Law and Order HFIL Department The Shorts
by mg34
Summary: Cell, Freeza, Goku and Cooler continue their pursuit of Justice, Order and a half decent TV show to watch in Hell. This is a collection of nine short stories! Yes there is finally a new one!
1. Home Sweet Home

I'm back! Been a while hasn't it. I was away for longer then I thought because had a small issue with my exams, but there done now so now I'm back.

This Story is a collection of One-Shots about the HIFLPD. They are mainly scenes or subplots which I thought about putting in the original story but couldn't find space for, so they are here instead. For those of you who haven't read "HIFL Law and Order Department" the story stars Hell Police force, which consists of Cell, Freeza, Cooler (all forced to do it as community service by the authorities) and Goku, the representative of the other world (who volunteered). Hell is slightly different to the version from the show but this and all other changes are done for the sake of comedy. Oh yes and when Cooler was killed by being ripped from the Big Gete Star he left most of his brain behind, you'll soon get the idea. Okay that's all the notes for now I hope you enjoy it…

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Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z or the intellectual property rights to any Formula one car, not even a Super Aguri.**

**Law and Order HIFL Department- The Shorts**

Home Sweet Home

Cell is not a completely mindless killing machine. In fact during his life he had always had a certain philosophy. That was that life is short so we should always make the most of the time we have. Cell had lived but this motto, by spending his entire life in the pursuit of perfection so that he could fulfill his ambition to destroy the world. Sadly he had failed and was now dead. So he had had to come up with a new philosophy to "live" his death by. This is that death lasts for ever so there's no point rushing anything. Of course just because Cell lived by this motto didn't mean he encouraged others too…

"Haven't you finished that report yet!" demanded Cell. Goku looked up from the type writer.

"Not yet," he replied, "This report is important you know, I don't want to make any mistakes."

"That and you can only type with two figures," said Cell grumpily. "Can't you go back to heaven and finish it there?"

"No," said Goku "they don't allow type writers in heaven. They say that the noise they make ruins the atmosphere."

"Couldn't you use one of the really advanced computers they have in heaven?" asked Freeza, "Surely you could do it much quicker on one of those."

"No I couldn't use one of those," replied Goku still typing away.

"What?" exclaimed Cell, "I thought they all loved you up there after you saved the world so many times, so why won't those Kios let you use a computer?"

"Oh they would let me sit in front of the computer," clarified Goku, "Just I don't know how to use it; I was considering taking night classes though."

"I heard they didn't have night in heaven," said Freeza who appeared to have heard a lot about heaven.

"Well that's why it haven't got round to it yet," explained Goku. Cell sighed heavily. "Look," said Goku, "You two don't have to stay here, you can go home if you want."

"Err yes," said Cell looking nervous, "….home…" Goku frowned, but then returned to his typing. That was until Cooler entered the room.

"Home sweat home!" he declared taking off his holster and tie and casually throwing them away. Freeza and Cell ducked as the holster flew though the air; it hit the type writer causing ink to go flying all over Goku and the report. As the Saiyan tried to clean himself off Cooler collapsed onto a chair in the corner opened a cupboard and turned on the TV inside. "Time to see what's going on in Friends tonight!" he declared, "Do you think Ross and Rachel will get back together, Goku?"

"Who and Who?" asked Goku before something occurred to him, "Cooler why are you watching TV in the police station?"

"He's not!" declared Cell stepping in between Goku and the TV, "it's just a CCTV feed!"

"If that's the case," said Goku, leaning round Cell to look at the TV, "how come there are commercials?"

"Well you know how extreme advertising is these days," said Cell nervously, "they'll try anything to get ahead of the opposition."

"Like charging no interest on a new car loan for the first year," exclaimed Freeza looking at the TV, "that's really good!"

"Oh why bother to buy a car?" asked Cooler seriously, "It's just going to fall over the edge of a cliff. That's how they get you. Cause then you have to get a new one." The others looked at Cooler for a moment a shrugged.

"Just pay attention to the CCTV Cooler," said Goku turning away, "and let us know if you see a crime." Cooler looked puzzled for a minute.

"What's-?" he was began but Freeza smothered him with a pillow. Goku missed this as he was busy examining the ink covered report.

"Darn it!" he muttered, "this is ruined; I'll have to start again."

"That's the sixth time today," muttered Cell to Freeza. Goku didn't hear him.

"Where do we keep the spare typing paper?" he asked opening the first random cupboard he came across.

"Don't open that cupboard!" said Cell quickly.

"It's not a cupboard," said Goku continuing to open it suspiciously, "the door is to heavy… it's a refrigerator…full of food. What on Hell is or this stuff?"

"Err…" said Cell thinking as quickly as we could. Freeza came to his rescue.

"That's where we store the DNA samples," he said quickly.

"DNA samples?" asked Goku, "They look and smell like several varieties of cheeses, milk, orange juice and meat."

"That's not orange juice," said Cell quickly, "there urine samples! So don't drink it!" Goku froze with his mouth full of "orange juice"! He thought for a moment, shrugged and swallowed it.

"YUK!" exclaimed Freeza, trying not to be sick, "you just drank a urine sample!"

"Urine tastes a lot like orange juice," mused Goku, "anyway if you didn't want any one to drink it why did you put it in an orange juice carton!"

"It's a disguise," explained Freeza, "you know, just incase someone broke in here to destroy there urine or DNA sample to disrupt our investigation. They wouldn't be able to now, you see, err… because they would believe the fridge was full of burgers and orange juice, when it's actually full of the other stuff." He finished lamely.

"That does actually make sense," admitted Goku, "except for one thing. We have never used a DNA sample in an investigation, ever!"

"Hang on what about those really difficult cases we've solved?" asked Cell, "we used it in those."

"Apparently not," said Goku pulling a sheet of paper off the desk, "In fact according to the Independent Police Complains Department when ever a case looks even a little difficult to solve you two drag some random guy off the street and fabricate some evidence against him!"

"Or her," pointed out Freeza, "don't accuse us of being sexist."

"I can't believe they set that Independent body up!" grumbled Cell "I mean it's not like we can't handle our own complaints. Did you know they have over two thousand staff members? There are only four police officers to complain about!"

"And yet some how," said Goku narrowing his eyes at Cell and Freeza, "they are still over worked. Now don't change the subject, something fishy is going on here and I'm going to get to the bottom of it." Cell and Freeza desperately looked around for a distraction as Goku continued his search of the police station. Suddenly Cell grabbed the TV remote and changed the channel, he was in luck.

"Captain Goku!" exclaimed Cooler sitting up, "There's a crime being committed!"

"Really, where?" asked Goku his search temporarily forgotten.

"Dr Octopus is robbing New York City Bank," said Cooler, "this dose look kind of familiar though" he thought for a moment, "I believe Spider-man will deal with this."

"Spider-man has no legal jurisdiction in Hell!" snapped Goku, "we'll deal with this."

"Okay Freeza," said Cell, "let's go!"

"Oh no," said Goku blocking their path, "I know you two, you'll just stand there and let Spider-thingy do all the work and make us look bad! I'll deal with this, Freeza you write that report and Cell when I come back I want an explanation about everything that's been going on here okay."

"Sure thing Goku," said Cell. The Saiyan looked at him before hurrying out of the door.

"You know what the sad thing is," said Freeza once he had gone, "if he hadn't out witted us we would still be alive."

* * *

Goku returned three hours later.

"What took you so long?" asked Cell as he entered, Goku glared at him.

"What was I doing?" asked Goku, "I drove around Hell for two hours before someone told me that there is no New York City Bank in Hell!" he stomped over towards them, "Now I want – WAAAAA" said Goku as he tripped over something landing flat on his face. "WHAT ON HELL IS COOLER DOING ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR!" he practically screamed as he got up.

"He's sleeping on the floor today?" exclaimed Cell.

"Strange," agreed Freeza, "most Wednesdays he hangs from the ceiling." Goku glared at the still asleep Cooler before realizing something.

"Shouldn't you two be surprised that he's asleep in the police station at all?" asked Goku suspiciously.

"Well…." said Freeza and Cell looking at each other nervously.

"I knew it!" declared Goku triumphantly, "you three are living in the police station!"

"Okay, okay you caught us," said Cell, "we are living here, it's not like there's anything wrong with that is there?"

"It's a massive breech of regulations!" snapped Goku, "your living here at the taxpayer's expense! Why?"

"Well," explained Freeza, "It's much larger warmer and nicer then our old apartment." Goku looked around in a moment of suspended disbelief.

"It's a converted garage!" he pointed out at last (see I didn't forget).

"You have been to our last apartment right?" asked Freeza. Goku thought for a moment.

"Those good reasons aside you can't live here!" he said, "I'm going to have to throw you out!"

"But there are so many advantages to living here," said Freeza, "We'll never be late for work, there'll always be some security here."

"And it's not like we damage the place," said Cell, "we just watch TV, sleep, eat, play pool-"

"There's a pool!" exclaimed Goku in horror.

"No we play pool," explained Cell, lifting the lid off the evidence table to reveal a pool table beneath it.

"Oh," said Goku a lot more relaxed, "you know I've never played pool."

"Really," said Cell cunningly, "we should have a game." Cell quickly explained the rules to Goku who picked them up very quickly. "Okay one last thing," finished Cell, "Pool is a betting game so let say, every ball more then you I pot, I mean the winner pots, the loser gives him a small reward say 50 dollars."

"Sounds fair," said Goku, as Cell took his break. The Android winked at Freeza smuggle as he did so. Pay day was about to come early. Goku bent down and took his shoot. The target ball went strait into the middle of the pocket as the white bounced round the table, stopping right behind the next target ball.

"Beginners luck," said Cell dismissively.

"Probably," admitted Goku as he potted the second ball, "however I have noticed something," he continued as he potted the next ball, "this game is very similar to snooker."

"You play snooker," said Cell suddenly feeling faint.

"Well I only played in the amateur world championships," said Goku modestly, "everyone I knew used to say I was pretty good." Cell looked in his wallet.

"Excused me a sec," he said, "I need to find an ATM, or a load shark!" The android hurried off as Goku proceeded to clear the table.

"Well Cell owes me $450," he said to Freeza, "but it this is the kind of stuff you do in here during your spare time I can't see any problem with you staying here. It is good to know that you'll never be late to work after all."

"That's very decent of you Goku," said Freeza.

"Although I will be deducting rent from your salaries," Goku continued.

"You cold hearted bastard!" snapped Freeza, but Goku cut him off before he could say anymore.

"Now since I am your guest here," he said, "how about getting me a sandwich."

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Okay folks that's the first story, please let me know what you think by sending me a review. Also if you have any request about situations you'd like to see our hero's in please let me know, I will accept request about other DBZ character as well, like Goten and Vegeta. I'll try to update this once a week. Okay I hope you enjoyed that and I'll be back soon. 


	2. Freeza gets a Girl

Here we are with another short story about everyone's favourite hell police officers, and I'm pretty sure that I'm right about that because I can't think of any others, but do correct me if I'm wrong… ( as with all my chapters no offence is meant by any of the jokes in this chapter).

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Freeza gets a Girl?

Hell is a big place with a lot of evil people in it, obviously. As a result there is a lot of crime to deal with, and as a result of that there is a lot of work for the HIFLPD to do, and if we follow the logical chain of "as a result of thats" to its logical conclusion we can work out that the members of Hell's Police force didn't get much time off. So they all made sure that when they did have time off they made the most of it…

Cell stared mournfully at the Monopoly board, there where a lot of hotels and house's up on it; unfortunately none of them belonged to him.

"Come on Cell," said Goku eagerly, "you have to role eventually."

"I will I will," said Cell angrily, "I'm just working out my tactics."

"What tactics?" demanded Freeza angrily "you don't have any money! All you can to is role the dam dice! So get on with it before I die of old age!"

"You can't die of old age," said Cell, "you're already dead!" despite this he rolled the dice, there wasn't any point delaying the inevitable. Goku's face fell when the dice stopped on 11.

"Yippee!" exclaimed Cell as he move his piece off Goku's properties, "I get to live another turn, up yours Goku! Ooooh I also get a chance card." Cell gleefully picked up the card, Goku and Freeza watched as Cell happy expression suddenly froze.

"What does it say?" asked Goku. Cell merely looked at him and then moved his piece to jail.

"This is a stupid game anyway!" he snapped.

"You didn't say that when you won yesterday!" pointed out Goku.

"Well that was skill," said Cell, "this is just bad luck."

"Of course it is," said Goku nodding in a consolatory manor, "come on Freeza, it's your turn now."

"Do I have to," said Freeza in a depressed manor.

"Oh come on, guys," said Goku, "you two can't stop playing just because I'm winning again! Gee I've never know such bad losers."

"It's not the loosing!" snapped Freeza angrily, "It's just, well is this all we're going to do this evening? Stay in and play board games?"

"Well I'm going to go back to heaven and train for a bit," said Goku, "but other than that, yes pretty much."

"Doesn't that strike you as a little sad," said Freeza, "I mean we've going to spend eternity down here, why don't we go out alive a bit, don't you guys want to have some fun, meet some girls?"

"No," said Cell flatly, "I'd much rather play Goku at Monopoly till I win." Freeza sighed.

"Oh I get it," said Goku, who was being slightly more thoughtful, "Freeza is lonely; he wants to have a bit of romance… with some female Iceas?"

"Yes that's right," said Freeza, "I haven't had any romance since before Namek! Wait a moment, why did you hesitate before you said females?" Cell and Goku looked at each other nervously.

"Well you know," said Cell….

"…we thought that you," added Goku, "well you know…."

"No I don't know!" snapped Freeza, "I'm not telepathic, what did you think I was?"

"Gay," finished Cell bluntly.

"What on earth made you think that?" demanded Freeza angrily.

"Well you know," began Goku-

"Will you stop saying that!" butted in Freeza.

"Sorry," said Goku, "it's mainly the big lips…"

"Effeminate voice, and posing," added Cell.

"Not to mention the "hot pants" armour your men seemed to wear." Finished Goku. Freeza thought for a moment.

"Well I did experiment a bit in collage," admitted Freeza thoughtfully, "but it wasn't really for me," he suddenly looked up at his companions who appeared to have gone green. "Every body dose it in collage!" he snapped defensively, "well everyone I new any way."

"Boy am I glad I didn't go to collage" said Cell.

"Gee I hope Chi-Chi is keeping an eye on Gohan," said Goku worriedly.

"Well I don't care what you two think!" snapped Freeza, "cause you know what I think, I think you two are gay, because you are happy just to sit here together playing board games rather then going out to get some Honey's!"

"Don't try to be cool Freeza," said Cell, "it really doesn't suit you, which is odd considering your name." Freeza glared at him but didn't respond.

"Just answer my question," he said, "or can't you?"

"I can," said Goku, "I've got a loving wife on earth I'm waiting for and she would kill me if I went near another woman. Besides the women in heaven are much nicer."

"And I'm a-sexual," announced Cell proudly, "I don't need a boy or girlfriend to keep me happy."

"Really," said Goku, "I didn't know that."

"I get it from my Namek side," said Cell opening his legs, "see there's nothing there, you can kick me as hard as you like there and it wouldn't hurt-" Freeza kicked him in the crouch as hard as he could. Cell immediately crimpled on to the floor. "-any more then kicking me somewhere else," the android finished from the floor.

"Fascinating," said Goku as Freeza sat down miserably.

"So out of us three I'm the only one who's going to end up alone," he moaned.

"Well there's nothing to stop you going out by yourself," said Cell picking himself off the floor.

"No," admitted Freeza, but I don't know anything about women! I was hoping you two might help me."

"You have a son don't you?" said Cell, "surely you must no something to get that far."

"Well I know that when I was emperor all I had to say to a women was, "sleep with me now," and they would, or I would kill them," said Freeza, "but they don't take very kindly to that here, and when I threatened to arrest them you report me!"

"Well you reported me for taking that bribe!" snapped Cell, "I mean what was so wrong with that? The guy was only smuggling Guns, it's not like that could lead to anything bad."

"No one likes a tell tale Cell," said Goku before turning to Freeza. "Don't worry about it Freeza, I'll help you get a girl, I know a bit about it."

"Really?" said Freeza eagerly.

"Yup," said Goku, "all you need to do is find a fighting tournament and wait for some craze girl who was promised to marry you to turn up…."

"Marriage?" exclaimed Freeza, "I don't want anything to do with that, I just want to get laid!"

"Oh right," said Goku, thinking quickly, "I get you, right where did Yamcha always used to go? A bar! I remember now we need to go to a bar."

"Great!" said Freeza, "come on Cell let's go."

"Wow wow wow," said Cell "why should I go, I'm not lonely."

"To support your friend?" suggested Goku. The resulting laughter went on for quite sometime. I fact it was still going on when Freeza and Goku got into the car. They where just about to pull away when Cell ran up and banged on the window. Goku rolled it down.

"Don't leave me behind," said Cell, "It's really boring in there when I'm alone." Goku sighed and gestured towards the back door. Cell hurriedly got into the car.

"Wasn't Cooler in?" the Saiyan asked as Cell put his seat belt on, (if Cell wears one so should you).

"The last time I saw Cooler he was going out with his Monopoly cards to "claim his property," said Freeza. Goku thought about this for a moment and then decided that he'd rather not.

"To the bar!" he declared definitively.

* * *

The Bar was the kind of dull dingy dive you would expect to find in Hell. All the tables where wonky and covered in dirty and the all the drinks looked like pond ditchwater with alcohol in it. On the plus side it was quite close to the police station and there where lots of people in side. And quite a few of them where Iceas.

"What about that one?" suggested Goku gesturing to an Icea at the bar.

"Too fat," said Freeza dismissively.

"That one's thinner," pointed out Cell.

"Yeah but have you seen her face," snapped Freeza, Cell sighed.

"The one in the corner over there?" suggested Goku, Freeza turned round and took a good long look.

"That's a guy!" he said at last with utter distain.

"Well I can't tell the difference!" snapped Goku, "come to think of it I don't even know what one of your attractive females looks like."

"That's obvious really isn't it," whispered Freeza angrily, "they have large glolonbins!"

"Oh right," said Cell, "how ignorant of us not to know that! Well from now on I'll look much more carefully at there glolonbins!" a passing Icea slapped Cell, causing the Android to jump. He raised his fist to fight back but Goku grabbed it before he could.

"You can't hit her!" he snapped "she's a girl it's not right!"

"So is murdering entire cities but I still did it!" snapped Cell, "any way it's alright cause I'm a-sexual, I can hit anyone I like!"

"No you can't!" snapped Goku finally managing to stop the android, "she's gone now anyway."

"Stopping your petty argument!" snapped Freeza, "There's more important things a foot!"

"Like what?" demanded Cell sulkily.

"I've spotted a girl I like!" declared Freeza.

"Well go talk to her then!" said Goku.

"But what should I say?" asked Freeza nervously, "I've never done this before."

"Oh just say something nice," said Goku, "oh and offer her a drink and it will all work out fine."

"Right!" said Freeza, taking a large gulp of his beer, "Here I go!"

Cell and Goku watched as Freeza got up and strode over to the girl. They spoke for a bit, she laughed and then Freeza ordered them drinks.

"Seems to be going quite well," said Goku, Cell looked at him.

"I meant to as you what is the point of all this?" he said, "I mean you humans and other creatures spend so long trying to attract a date, for what purpose? Surely you can't want to have kids that badly!"

"Why not?" asked Goku, "I love my son."

"Yes but aren't they winy, loud, annoying and always ruining the ambitions of evil Androids who just want to destroy the planet!" said Cell, "I mean you must get something out of it other then just kids! I mean lots of people want a girl or boyfriend but they hate kids!"

"Well there is more to it then just kids," admitted Goku, "but that's not the best bit about it Cell." He continued trying to avoid the embarrassing part, "Kids are the best bits of relationships, spending time with Gohan and Chi-Chi was always my favourite bit of any day. What ever other people want out of a relationship nothing meant or means more to me now then my wife and son." Goku solemnly wiped a tear from his eye.

"Quite," said Cell sounding unimpressed, "one thing I might add, don't you have two sons?"

"Oh year!" exclaimed Goku, "there's what's his name too."

"Goten," prompted Cell.

"Yeah Goten," said, Goku, "I really must remember that."

Before Cell could ask anymore questions about love Freeza returned with a black eye.

"Well thanks for the advice Goku!" he said sarcastically, "That worked really well!"

"What happened?" asked Goku, slightly shocked.

"Well I said something nice to her, offered her a drink," explained Freeza, "and then when I told her to sleep with me she hit me!" he finished clearly horrified by the unreasonableness of this. Goku put his hand to his head.

"You don't do that you idiot!" he snapped, "your supposed to have a conversation , get to know her, walk her home and then see if she'll let you in. Then you get her number and arrange to see her again for a few more nights and then you think about sleeping with her. And that's only if she's particularly, what did Yamcha call it, easy."

"What!" exclaimed Freeza, "I can't be bothered to go through all that!" he snapped, "I mean by the sounds of this you never did."

"Well I didn't," admitted Goku, "but I could if I wanted to"

"Oh yeah," said Freeza, "prove it! Talk to that female human thingy over there." He said gesturing to an attractive humanoid.

"But what about Chi-Chi," said Goku, "She would get really mad, and with good cause."

"How's she going to find out!" said Freeza, "It's not like me or Cell is going to go to earth any time soon to tell her. So can you do it or are you chicken?"

"I'm not chicken!" said Goku angrily, "just watch!" Goku got to his feat and marched over to the women at the bar. "Hi," he said, confidently, with a big smile, "can I buy you a drink?" The women turned around and looked at him before smiling.

"Sure you can handsome," she said, Goku made the order before turning back to mouth "see" at Freeza. To his surprise Freeza didn't look too pissed off by this. Goku quickly found out why when he turned round and found him self face to face with a rather large man.

"What are you doing talking to my girl?" he demanded threateningly.

"Oh I was just showing my friend over there how easy it is to attract a girl," said Goku innocently answering the question, "especially one as lonely an unsatisfied as your girl-friend."

"Why you!" growled the man.

"Well it was his idea," said Goku, unaware of any danger, "it was my friend over there, the Icea who's shaking his head and mouthing "don't point at me you dumb Monkey"."

"Monkey!" growled the man going red "your really cruising for a bruising mate."

"Oh he's not calling you a Monkey mate," said Goku kind of pleased to have made a new friend, "He'd probably call you gorilla."

"That's it mate!" snapped the man who furiously threw a fist at Goku. The Saiyan warrior caught the punch and threw the man over his shoulder and down the bar through several people's drinks.

"Ooops sorry," said Goku, "just a natural reaction, I meant no harm." Of course in a bar like this it was a bit too late for an apology.

* * *

A few minutes later Cell, Freeza and Goku sat alone in a very badly damaged bar. The rest of the bar's occupants had fled as soon as it had become clear that they were only hanging around to be beaten up. Goku sadly downed his pint.

"I'm sorry Freeza;" he said "looks like I couldn't help you find love after all."

"For the one hundredth time," growled Freeza, "I didn't want love I wanted sex! You stupid Monkey."

"Well I'm sorry I couldn't help you with that," shrugged Goku, "shame because they say that love can really change people for the better."

"Yeah," said Freeza glumly, "Wait a sec! What's wrong with me exactly?"

"Nothing!" declared Cell before another fight could break out, "You don't need a girl to be happy when you have great friends like us. And a great job too. What more could anyone want?"

"Your just saying that because all this love stuff makes you feel left out you Robot!" snapped Freeza.

"Fine then be miserable forever see if I care!" snapped Cell, returning to his drink. "I came all the way out here to observe these stupid creatures try to mate and that's the thanks I get," he muttered, "I didn't even get a decent fight."

The three of them sat in silence for a while, just then Goku's mobile went off.

"Hello?" he said when he was answering it, "Oh hi Raditz, how's the old railway doing... uhuh…uhuh….Okay we'll deal with that." he hung up. "That was Raditz." he announced.

"Thank you I never would have known," said Cell sarcastically. Goku ignored him

"He says that Cooler's come to the train station declaring ownership of it and is demanding £25 off every one who tries to get onto the platform!"

"Oh the railway company won't like that," said Freeza, "they usually charge £35."

"We better take him home," said Cell. The other's nodded and headed out of the abandoned bar (Goku left a tip just in case the barkeeper came back).

"Before we go I just want us to agree on one thing about to night," said Goku as they headed for the door.

"What do you want us to agree on?" asked Freeza glumly.

"That," said Goku firmly, "we'll never speak of this again…"

* * *

Okay folks, I hope you enjoyed that, once again I didn't mean to cause any offence in that chapter unless your name is Goku, Cell or Freeza (and you are an anmie character). Okay please send me any comments, thoughts or ideas in a review and I'll update soonish. 


	3. The Wacky RacerPart 1

Okay folks here is the third short story. Before I start I would like to thank CB for suggesting this chapter and everyone else, who has made a suggestion so far, please keep them coming if you can.

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The Wacky Racer – Part 1

The HIFLPD are a hard working group, they work tirelessly to protect the citizens (or inmates) of hell from crime. They never rest, they never fail and they never slack off when they are on the job.

"… a M&M Mac flurry and two diet cokes," said Goku, "and can you be quick, we're on duty at the moment."

"Would you like onion rings with that?" asked a board voice through an intercom. Goku was about to answer when Cell leant across to the open window, pushing Goku back into his seat.

"No he doses not want onion rings with that!" the evil Android snapped, "If we had wanted onion rings we would have asked for them you spotty idiot! Now just get us our order okay, and don't you dare try to sell us anything else or I swear I will blow you and this store to kingdom come. I know we're kind of already here but this will be such a big blast that it will send the entire thing all the way to heaven, and that won't be a good thing because you will be in so much pain that you'll be unable to enjoy it. Further more I will attach a fishing lie to your- hey why are you driving off?" he demanded of Goku as the intercom box moved out of voice rang.

"Because I'm hungry," said Goku, "and it looked like I would starve to death before you finished that rant!"

"I was not ranting!" protested Cell. "I was merely giving him all the information he needed to make an informed choice about whether or not he tried to sell us anything else."

"Really," said Goku as they drove round the side of the store to join the queue at the serving window. "I wish you would tell give me all the information I need when I have to make an informed decision."

"When have we kept anything from you?" asked Cell defensively.

"Well there was the time you didn't tell me that you had used our entire year's budget and a huge loan to buy all the illegal drugs in hell!"

"We knew you wouldn't approve," explained Cell, "besides we really cut down the drug abuse hell…"

"For one week!" snapped Goku, "then it was all stolen and I had to go to King Yemma to ask for more money! That wasn't a particularly pleasant meeting believe you me!"

"Well how could I foresee that!" snapped Cell "I used the most secure warehouse in hell, no one could have got in there with out the key and there was only one of those."

"Yes well someone did," said Goku finally. The two of them sat in silence for a bit. "It was a really strange break in wasn't it," said Goku at last, "I mean there was no sigh of a forced entree at all, even in the air vents and windows." Cell nodded in agreement but said nothing.

"Freeza's doing well for himself at the moment," he commented eventually.

"Yeah," agreed Goku, "he's got that new Rolex, the new car and he's even talking about taking a cruise. How did he get it all?"

"Apparently he won it on a horse," said Cell, with a shrug.

"I didn't know Freeza could ride," said Goku sounding astonished, Cell hit his head on the dash board in frustration.

"He didn't ride it you idiot," he snapped "he bet on it!"

"Oh right," said Goku, "I'd just never heard the term before, which technically makes it ignorance not stupidity." Cell glared at him for a moment before turning away.

"Could this guy hand out food any slower!" he snapped at last, "we've been queuing for ages!"

"I know," said Goku, "the queues at the drive-thrus in heaven are much shorter."

"You have drive thrus in heaven?" exclaimed Cell.

"Well it lets us stay in the car if we're in a hurry," explained Goku.

"I know what a drive-thru does," snapped Cell, "But why do you have one, no one in heaven is ever in a hurry, besides I thought that awful things like burger bars didn't exist in heaven, that's why it's heaven."

"That was true until MacDonald's opened a branch last year," explained Goku, "It's done quiet well for its self all things considered."

"It's another triumph of marketing over taste," grumbled Cell. However before he could break out into another rant something on the road caught his, and Goku's, eye. It was a brightly coloured car, fitted with a variety of wings and spoilers, some bright lights and a huge exhaust. It race past on the main road at an incredible speed, with a bunch of similarly outrageous cars in pursuit.

"Wow," said Goku, "I didn't know the Grand Prix was in town."

"Those look nothing like Formula One cars you idi… I mean ignorant fool!" snapped Cell, "Those are just a bunch of punk kids racing on a public road!"

"What," exclaimed Goku, "well there not going to get away with that!" he instantly swung the Nissan Sunny around and headed off in hot pursuit!

* * *

Gordon Blue, the ogre who managed HIFL's budget sighed; when ever he saw Goku it was always expensive.

"Why Mr Son," he asked, "did you just tell me all about the part at the drive-thru?"

"Well I thought it might be better if you knew the specific circumstances behind the pursuit before you made your decision," explained Goku.

"And which specific circumstance might that be," spat Blue irritably.

"That I was hungry," said Goku. Blue narrowed his eyes.

"I'll bear that in mind," he muttered, his voice laced with a distain that even Goku spotted. "So I take it the accident took place while you where attempting to peruse a bunch of tuned up sports cars in your 1.5 litre Nissan Sunny."

"Well it didn't actually occur until after we broke off the pursuit." said Goku, "It happened just afterwards."

"Oh really," said Blue, "So when did you break off the pursuit?"

"Just after we accidentally drove off the edge off the cliff," said Goku earnestly, "It was pretty clear we weren't going to catch it then."

"Uh huh," said Blue calmly, as though he was talking to a deranged lunatic.

"You see the crash didn't actually happen till we reached the bottom," said Goku learning over to the insurance contract, "and if you read here as we weren't in pursuit of everyone or deliberately abusing the car the HIFL administration fund is obliged to pay for the repairs to our car." he smiled in a friendly manor. Gordon Blue looked down at the contract and read it very carefully. Eventually he looked up, his eyes full of glowing red with furry.

"You win this round Mr Son!" he growled.

* * *

"Two weeks!" exclaimed Goku, back in the police station "two weeks with out a car! That's unbelievable!"

"I know," said Freeza, "They must be really good mechanics to repair it in that quickly, I mean it was a real mess when you brought it back."

"What do you mean!" said Goku, "it's far too long! They could have at least given us a courtesy car while it was being repaired! How are we supposed to get around Hell without a car?"

"Gee I don't know maybe we could fly," suggested Freeza sarcastically, "or you and Cell could teleport perhaps, or is that in the realms of fantasy."

"That doesn't work!" said Goku, "if we flew around our patrols we would miss lots of crimes and citizens wouldn't be able to get our attention if they needed help."

"Citizens never ask us for help!" pointed out Freeza, "they only ever call us over to insult us, attack us or accuse us of brutality; personally I now punch anyone who calls me over on sight." Goku glared at him.

"You know," he said at last, "I find talking to you really annoying."

"Well talk to someone else then," snapped Freeza.

"I would but Cell isn't talking to me since I crashed the car," explained Goku, "but he's just a big baby who should get over it," he finished loudly.

"Did you here something Cooler?" asked Cell, who was sitting in the corner with his back to Goku.

"PLEASE INSERT COIN FOR CONVERSATION," declared Cooler in a fake electronic voice. Cell sighed and pulled a coin out of his pocket and dropped it into a box hung around Cooler's neck. Then Cooler spoke, "Yes I just heard Goku ask you if- PLEASE INSERT ANOTHER COIN!"

"That wasn't a conversation!" snapped Cell shaking Cooler violently, who didn't react. "I want my money back!"

"NO REFUNDS!" said Cooler. Cell screamed angrily and threw Cooler into a wall. "DDDDOOOOoooooooo" said Cooler, who promptly closed his eyes and went to sleep. Cell sighed and turned back to the others.

"Fine," he grumbled, "I'll talk to you, but I'm not over it!"

"I don't see why," said Goku, "I mean you can regenerate so all you injuries have recovered. It's not like you're scared for life."

"Yes," said Cell dramatically, "but some scars go deeper then that. I'll never be able to ride in a car on a mountain road again with out having flash backs to that terrible day."

"Oh get a grip you sissy!" said Freeza.

"Sissy!" exclaimed Cell, "Well if I'm a sissy I probably got it from your cells."

"Why you-" began Freeza before Goku stepped in.

"Stop it!" he snapped, "you can't let them win!"

"Let who win?" asked Cell slightly confused.

"Those street racers!" declared Goku, "They destroyed our car and mentally scared poor Cell so that we'd turn against each other! Then without us in the way they could take over the city! They're probably plotting it right now, and spying on us too…I know it!" Freeza and Cell looked at him.

"Since when did you become paranoid?" asked Cell.

"Since I started drinking 20 cups of coffee a day," explained Goku, twitching slightly, "Anyway that's not the point, the point is that we have to find away to arrest those street racers."

"That's easy," said Freeza, "we just arrest everyone with a modified car. Oh and everyone with sports cars just to be sure."

"Oh what grounds?" asked Goku.

"Pardon?" replied Freeza looking rather confused.

"We need to be able to prove they've committed a crime or else we'll just have to let them go again," explain Goku.

"What a ridiculous idea," exclaimed Freeza, "I never bothered with things like pointless things like proof on any of the planets I ruled."

"Surely you must have had some courts," said Cell, "or else your government wouldn't have been able to function."

"Yes but they where only used to clear family and friends of murder, fraud and other such charges," explained Freeza. "The thing was that we could avoid having to waste time trialing ordinary people if we arrested them under our anti terrorism laws, it made life a lot easier."

"Well Freeza while living under your government must have been a close approximation to Hell," said Cell, "they do things a little more democratically in the real thing."

"Oh," said Freeza nervously, "I wish you'd told me that earlier, you know, before I filled up most of the prison…" Cell rolled his eyes, but before he could say anything else Goku interrupted him.

"I've got it!" he declared in a pose which looked remarkably like Winne the Pooh coming up with an idea.

"Really," asked Freeza, "does this mean they have anti terrorism laws down here too?"

"No," said Goku proudly, "I have a plan that will allow us to catch these guys red handed. I will go undercover and compete in one of there races, when I get to the finish you can jump out and arrest them. Clever right?" Cell and Freeza thought about this for a moment.

"That is actually a good idea," said Cell sounding rather astonished, "I never thought I'd actually say that, but it is."  
"Thank yo-" began Goku before he realised something, "Hey, what do you mean surprised!"

"Well lets face it; your last big plan wasn't exactly brilliant," said Cell, before switching into a mock impression of Goku, "I know, instead of fighting the evil android my self, I'll get my eleven year old son to do it, cause I just know that it will make him really angry so he will become really strong and save us all! I mean what kind of a plan is that?"

"It worked didn't it?" pointed out Goku.

"That is only a minor detail!" declared Cell angrily.

"I'm spotted a flaw in the plan," interrupted Freeza.

"There was no flaw in the plan," snapped Goku, "Gohan saved the world, end of story! Also now earth won't need to rely on me to save the world form the next freaky monster that attacks it so it worked perfectly. You can hardly criticise considering the calibre of your plans, "I know I'll make sure I'll never be surpassed by a Saiyan by killing all **but** the most powerful Saiyans in the universe!""

"I wasn't criticising that plan you idiot!" snapped Freeza angrily, "I was just going to point out that you can't go under cover! Your halo would give you away in a second. Unless of course you pretended it was a bit of "cling" jewellery."

"Oh yeah," said Goku looking at his halo, "That's not going to work is it. I know perhaps you could do it Freeza."

"Oh I'm sure I could do it easily," said Freeza _modestly _"I always thought I'd make a good secret agent, because I'm cool under pressure and great with the ladies." Cell immediately burst out laughing.

"You- cool under pressure, last the last two times you where under pressure you got cut in half!" he laughed. Freeza looked indignant but Cell carried on, "and since it's "Bling" not "cling" jewellery I hardly think that you would fit in."

"Oh and I suppose you reckon you could do better!" spat Freeza angrily.

"Yes I believe I could," said Cell, "I am the perfect being after all, I can fit in anywhere."

"Yes there's just one tiny winy little problem with that idea," said Goku.

"What?" asked Cell.

"You can't drive," pointed out Goku.

"Well then," said Cell, "you're just going to have to spend the rest of this part teaching me how to drive."

"Sorry Cell," said Goku, "The anime already did an entire episode on that."

"Really," said Freeza sounding interested, "What was it like?"

"Well I Piccolo enjoyed the change of scene," said Goku thoughtfully, "But I thought that it distracted people from the main theme of the series."

"There's a theme to the series?" exclaimed Cell in some shock.

"Of course there is," said Goku, "its redemption."

"Pardon," said Cell, still shocked.

"Isn't it obvious," said Freeza, "Yamcha, Tien, Chautthingy, Piccolo Vegeta, Android 18 and even Buu are all Villains who change side thanks to Goku."

"Yep," said Goku, "I even offered you a chance to stop fighting and go home when I was winning our battle."

"Several if memory serves," said Freeza as if remembering a happy time, "Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I accepted. You know I could have become a good guy. It would have been better then going to Hell that's for sure."

"You said it," agreed Goku, "I always regret having to kill you… can you smell burning?" Then swung around to see Cell who had gone a rather funny shade of purple and was grinding his teeth. "Something the matter?" asked Goku.

"OF COURSE SOMETHINGS THE MATTER!" burst out Cell, "YOU TRIED TO REDEM EVERY BODY BUT ME, EVEN FREEZA."

"Well," said Goku a little embarrassed, "I was thinking about it, but you know you where kind of pure evil. You did sort of have a chance when Gohan refused to fight you."

"I WAS WINNING THEN!" snapped Cell, "I HAD HARDLY GOT A CHANCE TO LEARN THE ERROR OF MY WAYS. AND BY THE TIME I WAS LOSING YOUR **BRAT** HAD DECIDED HE WANTED TO MAKE ME SUFFER!"

"I'm not saying it was our finest hour," said Goku, "but you where going to destroy the planet. Besides would you have really said yes?"

"No," said Cell as though it was a stupid question, "but it would have given me a chance to blow your head off while you where distracted. Everyone else got that chance!"

"And they all missed," said Goku proudly, "Now getting back to the point, we need someone to go under cover, someone who would fit in with a bunch of insane street racers."

"He needs to be able to drive like a lunatic," added Freeza.

"Have no fear." put in Cell,

"Have complete self belief," said Goku.

"Be able to adapt to any situation," suggested Freeza.

"And have no problem acting out of character," finished Cell.

"But where are we going to find someone like that at short notice?" asked Goku. Suddenly a voice burst out of the corner.

"PLEASE INSERT COIN FOR UNDERCOVER AGENT!" declared Cooler.

_To Be Continued… _


	4. The Wacky Racer Part 2

Thanks for all the reviews for the last chapter, knowing that people are enjoying these stories really make it all worth while. Thanks for all the suggestions too. I'm sorry it took me so long to update, my summer job is really taking up a lot of my time, anyway I hope this is worth the wait.

* * *

The Wacky Racer- part 2

It was another evening in Hell. The sky was cloudy and a cold wind blew litter across the streets. In one of these streets sat a red and white Nissan Sunny containing two disgruntled Police officers and one who didn't know how to be disgruntled.

"Where the heck is Goku?" grumbled Freeza from the front of the car, "He said he would be here by now, he's ten minutes late!"

"Well that's Goku for you," grumbled Cell, before something occurred to him, "How can he be ten minutes late! You said we where ten minutes late when we got here and that must have been half an hour ago."

"It was twenty nine minutes thirty eight seconds ago," corrected Cooler proudly. Freeza glared at him before turning to the clock.

"It can't be broken," he said, "the car's only just got out of the shop!" Freeza gave it a tap at which point one of the hands fell off. "Well I guess it was broken then," said Freeza, "Goku must be later then we thought."

"Or we could be really early," suggested Cooler.

"I never knew you where quite that insane Cooler," said Cell, he turned to Freeza. "Could you direct some of the heating vents into the back please," he asked, "It's Freezing back here."

"Well close that window then," snapped Freeza, who was basking in the line of heating vents, "You'll be warmer with out that draft."

"The draft isn't coming though the window," growled Cell, "It's coming through a gap in the body work. I swear that garage didn't put this car back together properly."

"Well that's not my problem" said Freeza calmly, "you should get your own vents." Cell glared at him for a moment before coming up with an idea.

"Cooler your brother is feeling a little low," he said, "why don't you give him a hug?" Cooler's eye's suddenly widened.

"Arrr cheer up ickle Freeza!" he declared wrapping his arms around the seat in front of him and its occupant pinning Freeza in place, "Big Brother's here and he loves you!"

"Let go of me!" gasped Freeza, as Cell leant past him to adjust the vents "I'll kill you for this Cell!"

"Well clearly that hug hasn't improved your mood;" mocked Cell as he finished fiddling with the vents, "Still that bit of brotherly love has really warmed me up!"

"Very impressive," said Freeza, finally breaking out of his brother's grasp, who continued to hug the chair. "Why don't you use your powers of persuasion to convince my beloved Brother that he's a street racer? Unless you want to get found out."

"Fine," said Cell, "Fortunately I have a plan." Cell calmly reached into his pocket and pulled out a pocket watch.

"You have a watch!" exclaimed Freeza, "Why didn't you use that to tell the time?"

"Stop pointing out holes in the plot!" snapped Cell, before turning to the still chair hugging Cooler. "Right Cooler," he said "Watch the watch, you are feeling very sleepily…"

"Oh brother," groaned Freeza in disbelief. Cooler however followed the watch exactly as Cell continued to command him to go to sleep. Soon his head began to sway, faster and faster until eventually he hit it hard on the back of Freeza's seat. Hard enough to send the former dictator flying head first into the steering wheel.

"Oi!" snapped Freeza swinging round to confront Cell, only to be hit in the head by Cell's watch.

"Keep out of the way Freeza," said Cell calmly, "You could have really screwed that up."

"Oh come on," said Freeza angrily, "It's not like you could take over his mind! He doesn't have one left to over take!"

"Oh yeah," said Cell, gesturing proudly to the motion less Cooler on the seat.

"He's not a sleep!" snapped Freeza, "he just knocked himself out on the back of my seat!"

"No he's hypnotised," said Cell, "look I'll prove it. Cooler listen to me, when I click my figures you will wake up and think that you are a cool street racer! Okay here we go, WAKE UP!" Nothing happened. Cell tried again, and again, and…

"You can't click your figures can you?" mocked Freeza. Cell glared at him for a moment before turning back to Cooler.

"Change of plan," he said "When I punch Freeza you will wake up and think that you are a cool street racer." Moments later Freeza crashed into the dash board and Cooler woke up. "How do you feel Cooler?" asked Cell proudly.

"A little chilly," declared Cooler before suddenly changing tune completely. "Alright a street!" he said leaping out of the Car, "Okay Coronation Street it's a race between me and you, first one that house wins. On your marks! Get set! Go!" With that Cooler sprinted down the road towards the house at the end of the street.

"Well," said Freeza looking out of the window, "I'm sure we all saw that one coming." Cell was about to reply when the street was filled with the noise of a large engine, followed moments later by a large thump. Cell and Freeza watched as a very low red super car, with a Cooler shaped hood ornament pulled up along side them.

"Oh no," said Freeza, "That guys going to be pretty mad." Cell nodded as the car other car's door opened, but rather then a shout there was a friendly call of;

"Hi guys," followed by Goku getting out of the car. "Sorry I'm late," he continued, "I had some trouble renting a modified car in haven, there didn't seem to be any. So I had to rent this Ferrari F thingy, I can't remember the number."

"You got a Ferrari!" exclaimed Freeza leaping out of the Nissan to have a look, "He did as well! An F40 _(for all the car buffs)_ too"

"Is that a bad thing?" said Goku, "cause the guy in the shop said it was really fast."

"It's a great thing," said Freeza, "A monkey- even you could beat a bunch of street racer's in one of these!"

"Oh well in that case I chose it," said Goku proudly. "Right I've done my bit, so let's see your disguises."

"Sure thing," said Freeza running round to the boot of the Sunny. He came back with a leather jacket and a pair of sun glasses. By the time he had done this Cell and Goku had peeled Cooler off the Ferrari's front. "Okay," said Freeza, "We thought this would do for the driver,-"

"Great," said Goku, "let's see what Cooler looks like in them."

"Well," said Freeza carefully, "I think that Ferrari might be too much for Cooler to handle so perhaps I should do it, I am the best drive after all."

"True," said Goku, "but as the best driver we need you to drive the Sunny so we can keep up in a chase. So give the stuff to Cooler."

"I don't think Schumacher could keep up in the Sunny," grumbled Freeza as he handed over the cloths. Cooler quickly threw them on, it took quite a bit longer for Cell to get his head out of the sleeve but he was ready eventually. Goku looked at him quizzically once he was.

"He looks like Fonzy from happy days!" he declared eventually.

"Ahay!" declared Cooler pulling a silly pose. Goku sighed.

"He was supposed to look cool and up to date!" he said angrily.

"It doesn't matter," said Cell, "plenty of people died when that stuff was still fashionable, and they still wear it, he can just pretend to be from the fifties or sixties when ever it was."

"I guess," said Goku, "Okay then Cell, where's your disguise? We agreed that you would accompany Cooler, to keep him on task, remember."

"Of course I remember," snapped Cell, "how could I forget that you're locking me in a car with that lunatic!"

"Well excuse me for catching the readers up!" snapped Goku, "Now where is your disguise?"

"I'm in it," declared Cell.

"You can't where that!" snapped Goku, "You look stupid."

"What!" exclaimed Cell, "I'm only wearing a fire proof racing suit; it's what racing drivers use!"

"Yes but no Street racer would be seen dead in them!" said Goku.

"Yes that's because they would survive any crash!" said Cell, determinedly.

"Give it up Goku," said Freeza, as the Saiyan sighed, "I've already tried to persuade him to change it but he wouldn't budge. Of course if I drove the Ferrari…"

"You're not driving the Ferrari!" snapped Goku, "We're going to stick to the original plan okay."

"Fine," said Freeza but continued to mutter angrily under his breath. Goku ignored him turning to Cooler instead.

"Right Cooler I didn't tell the rent-a-car guy I was taking it the car into hell so please be careful," he began, but Cooler cut him off.

"Don't worry Mr G!" declared Cooler who had now assumed an undercover persona, of some sort. "We'll kick butt in this car. Come on Cell old chum, let's boogie man!"

"Err…that's not quite what I meant," suggested Goku but it was too late, for Cooler had already grabbed a rather startled and confused Cell and hurled him into the passenger seat of the car. Seconds later the Ferrari raced off.

"Wow," said Freeza looking at his watch, "It really does do 0 to 60 in 3.8 seconds."

"Yeah," began Goku. "Can you be honest with me Freeza?"

"That depends," said Freeza suspiciously, "what do you want to ask?"

"Do you think I'm going to get my deposit back?"

* * *

Cell clung on to the dashboard for dear life as the car raced though the slippery streets of HIFL. Cooler was driving like almost exactly like you would expect an insane person to drive, only slightly worse. To his credit Cell didn't scream, mainly because he was too busy shouting warnings to Cooler. A typical ten seconds in the car would sound like this;

"Look out for that" -CRASH- "Cat!"- Meowww! - "Bus!"- Aggggh Honk- "Milk float!"- SAMSH, TINKLE – "Horse box!" – NIEGH!- "Shop Front!" – SMASH CRASH- "what's a scud missile launcher doing here?"- THUD, KABOOOMMM.

This carried on for about ten minutes, although Cell could have sworn that it was closer to a year, until they spotted a group of juiced up cars sitting in a parking lot.

"Hear we are pull in, pull in!" screamed Cell frantically. For a wonder Cooler did bringing the car to a neat halt in front of a large crowd of people. All of them stared at the new comers and there Ferrari in a manor that would have made Cell deeply uncomfortable had he not been so relived that Cooler had finally stopped.

"Okay Cooler," he said as calmly as possible so not to excite his companion, "We need to win them over so that they'll talk to us. Now according to the movie I watched the other day this can be done by performing a few doughnuts."

"Okay," said Cooler chirpily slamming the car into reverse, "Back to the store. I think we drove through a bakery on our way here."

"Not those doughnuts you idiot" screamed Cell, grabbing Cooler round the neck, forcing him to stop, "Spin the car round on the spot in a doughnut shape, like they do at the end of HIFLACAR races."

"Oh right," said Cooler nodding eagerly.

"Great," said Cell, "Now before you start just let me get out." Cooler nodded in agreement and allowed Cell to undo his belts and climb out of the car, well most of the way out of the car. You see Super cars are very hard to climb out of, thus Cell was only partially out of the car when Cooler started the doughnuts. The Android desperately grabbed on to the door, hanging on for dear life as Cooler started happily singing;

"The wheels on the bus go round and" –Crash- "round, round and" –Crash- "round, round and" –Crash- "round. All day" –Crash- "long." For all of you who are interested the intervening crashes was the sound of Cell's head hitting the one of the concrete pillars in the Car park. Despite this Cooler continued to doughnut for the remaining three verses before stopping. Cell finally let go of the door and collapsed on to the floor. Through all the pain the Android became aware of a noise near by, it sounded like clapping. Cell sat up to see a large crowd gathered around Cooler.

"Awesome doughnuts man!" said one of the crowd members patting, Cooler on the back.

"That's some serious respect brother!" declared another knocking his fist against Cooler's.

"It was radical!" declared another wide eyed member, who Cell assumed was female due to the fact she was wearing far too little clothing, "You are amazing," she continued batting her eye lashes. The praise continued to be heaped upon Cooler like this for quite some time, or at least Cell thought it was praise. He couldn't be sure though as the racers seemed to be speaking in a foreign langue. What ever it was Cooler lapped it up with a combination of "ahays" and wining smiles. Cell sat there silently recovering and watching the spectacle, for a while. This promptly ended when some said;

"And your giant stunt Grasshopper was pretty cool too!"

"GRASSHOPPER!" burst out Cell furiously leaping to his feat.

"Where!" shouted Cooler looking around desperately, "get it off me!". The crowd around Cooler laughed as though he had made a great joke, Cooler meanwhile had decide that there wasn't a Grasshopper on him and had noticed Cell. "Oh hi Cell," he said, "can you get us a parking ticket, while I hang my pussies."

"Err okay," said Cell who was pretty sure Cooler had got that wrong. "I guess he's just a dog person at the moment," he thought as he wondered over towards the ticket machine. "Right we'll need two hours," he thought as he fished in his pocket for change, "That'll be four dollars," he began before reading a bit of the sign, it said;

"**unless it's later then 6pm on Monday 4th April 1986 and your not driving a 1924 car in which case it's a $3.97, unless your car is orangey to bluey red, in which case it's $3.97.5, unless your car is automatic/ manual in which case add the sum of your last tax return divided by ten times the age of the universe. Please remember to add the standard tax of 14 of the worth of the car rear seat covers times the distance to the moon in leagues. Exact change accepted only! If you do not have exact change you will be charged an extra $5 dollars per ounce of extra metal used multiplied by the new value of the ticket.**

Cell sighed, "this could taker a while," he muttered.

* * *

Not too far away Goku and Freeza sat on a bench "reading" a newspaper.

"Look at that!" grumbled Freeza peering through the holes in his newspaper, "it's disgusting!"

"I know," said Goku gravely, "To think of such corruption in a western government. Utterly sickening, if I lived in Br-"

"I 'm not talking about that!" snapped Freeza, grabbing Goku's newspaper and pulling in away from the Saiyan's face, "I'm talking about Cooler!" Goku watched Cooler for a bit.

"He seems to be doing fine," he said. "Now don't pull my newspaper down again! You could blow our cover."

"Blow our cover!" exclaimed Freeza, "Those idiot street racer's wouldn't know an undercover police office if he was still wearing his badge. Cooler and Cell managed to sneak in there with there only disguise being a pair of Sun glasses, which they have to share. If anything we're more likely to give our selves away by reading holey newspapers!" Goku examined the large eye shaped holes in his newspaper carefully.

"I suppose your right," he said, "they're not really very subtle, fortunately I brought a brought an alternative just in case the newspaper didn't work out." Freeza watched with a little bit of interest as Goku reached into a bag and got out a pair of binoculars, some note paper and a camouflaged hat.

"Goku you have excelled yourself," said Freeza in a dry tone, "no one could possible think you where spying on someone dressed like that."

"Really," said Goku genuinely, "because I was concerned that a bird watcher disguise wouldn't work in the middle of a city. Still I don't see why there aren't more of them here, this is the perfect place to spot birds, I've seen almost twenty already."

"They're all pigeons aren't they," said Freeza bluntly.

"Not all of them," said Goku defensively, "I've seen a few vultures, they where circling over the night club and casino district."

"It figures," grumbled Freeza, before something occurred to him, "Don't use those to actually bird watch!" he snapped grabbing them from Goku, "We should use them to watch Cooler!"

"Why?" asked Goku "we can tell from here that he's doing fi- GAK!" he stopped abruptly as Freeza looked through the binoculars choking Goku in the process.

"Just as I thought!" Freeza growled, "That crowd are talking with him, laughing with him, that female's even holding his hand! How can that be? He's not threatening them or anything!"

"Maybe," said Goku freeing himself from the binocular cord, "They genuinely like him."

"Don't be daft," said Freeza dismissively, "no one genuinely likes anyone in real life, it's just because he has that Ferrari. Darn it, if you had let me drive the Ferrari all those people would be being nice too me! Why must you insist on ruining my death?"

"I don't really think it's just the Ferrari," said Goku.

"It has to be," snapped Freeza, "what else has Cooler got that I haven't."

"Well since he lost most of his mind…" mused Goku, "the ability to be nice, for a start."

"Hey," snapped Freeza, "I can do nice!"

"Okay then prove it," challenged Goku, do something nice now!"

"Errr… Okay," said Freeza thoughtfully. The tow of them sat in silence for what must have been two minutes before Freeza came up with some thing. "I've got it!" he declared reaching into a bag, "here you go Mr Monkey, have a Banana."

"So near," said Goku, "but yet so very very far."

"Fine," grumbled Freeza, putting the Banana away, "I'm not very good at being nice, but that nutter Cooler can't keep this up, any minute now he'll say something really stupid and then hey presto, all his new friends will be gone in a flash!"

"Wow!" interrupted Goku, "I don't think so."

"Why not?" asked Freeza, looking up from his bag.

"One of the female Icea Thingy's just kissed him!" exclaimed Goku, "at least I think it was female."

"Cheep Slut!" growled Freeza furiously, "why can't I find any of those!"

"She's going to be locked up in a few hours," pointed out Goku, "I don't think it's really going to work out."

"There's still the sexual visiting days at the prison!" snapped Freeza, "I never get any of those!"

"If you want to meet friendly women Freeza we should take you down to the red light district," said Goku comfortingly. "The women down there are always asking me if I'm looking for a good time."

"Okay," said Freeza calmly, "and are you aware of what they mean by good time?"

"Well I assume they are inviting me to do some marshal arts training," said Goku thoughtfully, "I know you don't train all that often Freeza, but it would be a great way to get to know them."

"Okay then," said Freeza, carefully, then something caught his eye. "Actually monkey man I think you're wrong about Cooler not making a mistake."

"Oh really?" said Goku, "how come?"

"Because that girls ten foot tall boy friend has just turned up," laughed Freeza, "Wriggle your way out of that one bro!"

"Gee," said Goku worriedly, "we should probably go help him. Although if we let them just attack Cooler and Cell a little then we'll be able to arrest them all for assaulting a police officer."

"Ooooh," said Freeza watching the crowd eagerly, "I actually like that plan."

"That makes a nice change," said Goku. The tow of them sat back and watched the scene unfold in front of them. After a minute or so Goku asked; "Do you still have that Banana?"

* * *

Cell returned with a parking ticket of some sort which was probably more expensive then the fine he would have received had he not brought it. Unfortunately Cooler's relationship with, at least a few, of his new friends had deteriorated a considerable amount since he had left. This was made obvious by the fact that one particularly large member of the group was holding Cooler up by his neck.

"Oh come on Ice Breaker," protest a female to the massive creature's right, "It was only one little kiss. You should chill out a little."

"I don't care," boomed Ice Breaker, "No one touches my girl and gets away with it."

"Your Girl?" exclaimed Cooler in a remarkably clear voice considering he was being choked, "quick someone call the police and arrest this guy for having a slave!" A bit of nervous laughter crept across the crowd, silenced by a furious look from Ice Breaker.

"You think your funny don't you!" he growled menacingly.

"Not really," said Cooler sadly, "people say I have a self esteem problem. Why do you think I'm funny?" he finished hopefully. Ice Breaker was some what take a back by this.

"Are you some sort of idiot?" he demanded. Cooler nodded proudly.

"Oh let it go," protested Ice Breaker's girl friend, "Your always kiss up the other girls, I've seen you. Your such a…a…"

"I believe the word you are looking for is hypocrite," volunteered Cell.

"No one asked you freak!" she snapped back.

"Oh shut up Glacier," snapped Ice Breaker, "I'm aloud to do that because I'm the man. This little sh needs to learn not to mess around on my street!"

"I hate you, you bastard!" screamed Glacier angrily, "we are only doing it once tonight now!"

"I'm sensing that there's a lot of anger between you two," interrupted Cell quickly, "Now this really is the sort of thing you should discuss in private or perhaps with a train therapist. So if you don't mind," he continued prising Cooler from Ice Breaker's grip, "me and my associate here will be moving along to leave you two to work things out, Okay?"

"No chance Cockroach," growled Ice Breaker, "I'm going to splat you and your friend good!"

"That doesn't sound good," said Cooler, as Cell in the interest of remaining undercover, held Cooler up as a human shield. However the intended punch never came, Icebreaker's fist was stopped by a cane in mid air.

"Now now then," said a refined English voice, "There's no need for fisticuffs Ice Breaker old chum. Now would you please enlighten me as to what's going on here?"

"Oh," said Ice Breaker quietly, the wind well and truly taken out of his sales, "Hi Gerald."

"Who's Gerald?" Cell asked no one imparticular.

"Oh Gerald's the man around here," No one imparticular replied, "He's a legend of the streets!"

"What?" exclaimed Cell, "talking like that? I may not be as "cool" or as "hip" as some but even I know the way he talks is "lame"."

"You don't need to talk the talk if you can walk the walk," the racer replied. "This guy is cool; he was the first guy on earth to be killed in a secret street race, in 1898, that's serious respect man."

"If you say so," said Cell wondering how death could ever be considered cool. He asked the following question in an attempt to find out; "So how did he die exactly."

"He hit a sheep," replied the racer bluntly.

"Was he seriously ill at the time," asked Cell sarcastically, "because to me that doesn't strike me as a particularly nasty accident."

"Well the accident didn't waste him man," explained the racer, "but the farmer that owned the sheep was a real square and shot him for it. Talk about stressy."

"Okay I'll bare that in mind," said Cell carefully. He turned back to Gerald, who was using his authority as a legend to sort out the ugly situation in front of them.

"Now now Ice Breaker, this chap might have violate your lady friend but you shouldn't really thump him for that," said Gerald calmly, "he may be a really nice chap. What do you have to say for yourself fella?"

"Ahay!" declared Cooler cheerfully in character.

"You hear that?" demanded Ice Breaker, "That arsehole called me gay! I'll show him!"

"You look more angry then gay too me old boy," said Gerald calmly, "but you can't prove your metal by beating this shrimpy little chap. It wouldn't be cricket."

"But he dissed me," protested Ice Breaker "I have to pay him back!"

"You can still do that old bean," declared Gerald, "but we can do it as gentlemen. We shall have a race, from here to the cricket ground; first one there wins the hand of the lovely lady. Do you accept the challenge Ice Breaker?"

"I sure do!" declared Ice Breaker, "I'm going to grind that freak into dust."

"How about you new boy?" asked Gerald.

"Sorry," said Cooler, "I never sigh anything with out reading it first."

"Err… what he means to say," butted in Cell, "is that he accepts. On the condition that I am allowed to wave a bit piece of card with our destination written on it at two strangers sitting on a bench first. It's kind of a good luck thing."

"Sure thing old chap," said Gerald, "conveniently there appears to be two gentlemen sitting on a bench just over there."

"What a coincidence," said Cell secretly amazed that that had worked. He had always thought this was the weakest part of Goku's plan and that was saying something.

"Very well," declared Gerald once Cell had finished, "first one there wins! GO!"

"To the Coolermobile!" declared Cooler grabbing Cell by the wing and hauling him towards the Ferrari. Cell landed awkwardly in the passenger seat as Cooler started the car. Desperately the Android reached for his seat belt but the G-force of the car accelerating through him away.

"Off to the cricket ground," declared Cooler cheerfully.

"Do you actually know where that is?" asked Cell, temporally distracting him self from the quest to gain his seat belt. Cooler thought for a moment.

"Know," he said eventually, "Lets pull over and ask directions."

"We can't do that!" protested Cell.

"It's not a slur on your man hood to ask for directions," announced Cooler, looking around for someone.

"No you idiot!" snapped Cell, who didn't have a manhood to slur, "we can't stop and ask directions because we're in a race!" Just then a brightly coloured saloon car roared past them. "Look," said Cell "just follow that car it's going to the cricket ground too."

"Really," exclaimed Cooler, "That doesn't seem very likely, especially at this time of night, unless of coarse he's studying the behaviour of insects at night." Cell thought for a moment.

"Yes," he said as soon as he had worked it out, "that's exactly what he's doing, now follow him!"

Cooler immediately floored it, quickly catching up with Ice Breaker. The Street racer did his best to throw them off but Cooler, or at least the Ferrari was too good for that.

"Boy," said Cell calmly as they screeched through the streets, "This insect studier is really beginning to bug me!" He smiled expectantly, but even Cooler had enough sense not to laugh. Instead he slammed hard on the breaks bring the car to an almost immediate stop. "What on Hell did you do that for?" demanded Cell as he removed his heads from a Cell shaped imprint on the dash board.

"It's a red light," declared Cooler gesturing to the junction, "we have to stop."

"We're undercover police officers pretending to be street racers you idiot!" snapped Cell, "We don't stop for red lights."

"Sorry that's against the law and if I broke the law I'd have to arrest myself!" declared Cooler, "and that could be awkward in court, because they wouldn't be able to trust me to give a fair report. I might be biased against myself, and then we might get a corruption allegation and then we could be we could be sent to jail and…"

"This is the Police!" declared Cell, withdrawing his badge from his pocket, "I order you to run this red light."

"Aaahhhh the Police!" scream Cooler in a panicky manor, "I'm not corrupt! They'll never take me alive!" With that the Ferrari took shot across the junction in pursuit of Ice Breaker once again. Soon they we're right on the thug's tail. Ice Breaker once again did his best to lose them, by flipping bins a hot dog stands into there path. Unfortunately ramming things with a car rarely achieves such results, in act the only thing that Ice Breaker managed to do was ruin the front end of his car. Meanwhile Cell suddenly noticed where they were.

"I remember now!" he declared, "there's a cricket pitch by the river, all you have to do is turn left here and follow the road to the stadium."

"Ahay!" declared Cooler, worryingly letting go of the wheel of a moment to pull the suitable pose. Then he put his pedal too the metal and shot past Ice Breaker.

"Yes," declared Cell, "we're going to win something for once, I can finally free myself from the shame of the Cell games and that Darts tournament I foolishly entered the other week."

"Hoor-" began Cooler put his arms in the way, but they his voice suddenly took a concerning turn for the worse; "TIME UP, INSERT COINS TO CONTINUE, 10, 9, 8…"

"What!" exclaimed Cell rapidly fumbling for change in his pocket, "I thought you had stopped that you bastard! You cant' do this too me!"

"ISULTING THE MACHINE WILL NOT HELP!" declared Cooler, "CONTINUE? 6, 5, 4…" Cell finally pulled some change from his pocket, just in time to see that the Ferrari was about six feet away from the river bank. The Android thought about attempting to pray for a moment. He quickly decided that there was little point for that and settled for screaming instead.

* * *

Cell woke up in hospital a few hours later finding Goku, Freeza and Cooler standing over him. Naturally he jumped.

"Hey Cell," said Goku cheerfully, "glad to see your okay, we were worried for a bit."

"Worried?" asked Cell who was still confused as to exactly where he was, "how come."

"Well if you didn't wake up in a few hours," said Freeza, "I would have had to cover your shift!"

"Thank you so much for your concern Freeza," said Cell sarcastically, "But I really don't need to be in hospital, I can regenerate so I can heel any wounds."

"Yes but the doctor said that hypothermia isn't exactly a wound." explained Goku.

"I have pneumonia," exclaimed Cell, "how long was I in that river for!"

"A few hours," said Freeza smugly, "we would have rescued you sooner but we were busy arresting the street racers."

"Really," said Cell distinctly unimpressed, "and how did you manage that."

"Kind of funny really," said Goku, "they stopped to try and rescue you, and while they where doing that we arrested them all for illegal parking."

"If only they had just used the metre they could have got away with it," said Freeza with mock sadness.

"What metre?" asked Cell, "there's no metre at the water front."  
"There was that night," declared Freeza gesturing to Cooler, who was smiling broadly and holding a sigh reading "Pay and Display".

"Okay," said Cell, "let me get this straight. The one time this group of selfish dangerous street racers stop to do something for someone else for a change, i.e., rescuing me from a freezing river, you three jump in and set them up for the most minor and petty crime in history, leaving me to freeze to death."

"That's about right," said Goku.

"Brilliant wasn't it!" declared Freeza proudly. Cell grinded his teeth furiously before turning to a near by nurse.

"Can I request an early end to visiting hours please?" he asked.

"You certainly can," said the rather large and imposing nurse. "Alright you two, get out, and take your parking metre with you!"

"Oh right sure thing," said Goku picking up one end of Cooler, while Freeza grabbed the other, "we'll see you later Cell." With that they headed for the door. Just before they left the ward Freeza turned back to Cell.

"Cheer up Cell," said he, "you don't have the worst job left. Goku still has to tell the rent-a-car place what happened to the Ferrari!"

* * *

Okay Folks I hope that was worth the wait. I'd like to thank AquasageandBlaze OceanDragonfor there suggestions that made it into this chapter (I think that's all of you corect me if i'm wrong) and CBwhoes idea this chapter was in the first place. I think I've got a pretty good idea for the next one but you made have a better one so please leave any thoughts, comments or suggestions in a review. Thanks a lot. 


	5. An Inspector Calls

Hi folks, before we start I'd just to thank everyone who review and all those who gave me some suggestions. I'm currently working to turn them into chapters. While I'm doing that here's the last one I came up with myself, hope you enjoy it.

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An Inspector Calls

There are many urban myths in the after life. This is not surprising since dead people have to spend eternity in the same place so they need something to talk about. Thus in Haven and Hell people of all species will gather together in public places to gossip and moan about things they've heard, seen on TV or even made up. At the moment one of the favoured topics of conversation was the HIFLPD. On the most part these conversations consisted of people from all over the after life trying to out do each other by telling a worse story about the Police forces incompetence, heavy handedness or laziness. Of course not all of these stories are true, especially the one about them never doing any work. For there is always one time every year where Hell's police force works very hard indeed.

"Aggghhhhh!" screamed Goku who was doing a brilliant impression of a headless chicken, "we've got to hurry up! The inspector will be here in 23 hours! Hurry!"

"Will you calm down," said Cell, who was doing a brilliant impression of a sofa cover; "We've done everything already haven't we?"

"Yes but that doesn't mean I have to stop worrying!" said Goku, "If he gives us a bad report we could have our budget slashed! Then what would we do?"

"We could cut a few more corners," suggested Cell, "or perhaps we could make Cooler redundant, it's not like he dose any work!"

"He, does more work then you!" pointed out Goku, "he's still out there trying to reach our recruitment targets, what exactly have you done to prepare for the inspector's visit?"

"I've clean all the police buildings like you asked!" snapped Cell, "it's not my fault that it didn't take very long! Besides how come you have time to panic when Freeza and Cooler are still working?"

"I've organised all our paper work!" declared Goku pointing to the filing cabinet, which could now actually be closed properly for the first time since they'd got it. "and I've written our yearly report to show the inspector. So there's nothing else for me to do either."

"Well its obvious then," said Cell, "we aren't lazy, the other two are slow!"

"Good point," agreed Goku, "perhaps I should go hurry them up?"

"I wouldn't bother," said Cell, "Freeza loves servicing the car. He thinks being oily makes him look manly!"

"Is there really enough oil in Hell to make Freeza look manly?" asked Goku in mocking tones, Cell laughed.

"Well the only oils Freeza ever used when he was alive where bath oils!" he replied. The two of them laughed again. They where still laughing when Freeza entered.

"I just love to get my hands dirty," he declared proudly. The former dictator was cover in spots of oil, some of which where strategically placed to make him look tough. "Well the car is in perfect condition now," Freeza continued, "Not even a Nissan Sunny owner's club chairman could find a flaw with it."

"Apart from the fact that the front and rear ends originally came from two different cars," muttered Cell, Goku was a little more complementary though.

"Well done Freeza," he said, trying not to laugh, "you're pretty good with a spanner after all," he paused trying not to laugh again before bursting out, "and I thought I was a "grease Monkey"!" Freeza stare at him furiously.

"Well at least I did a man's job today!" he snapped "compared to you two, the cleaner and the secretary!"

"Alright then big man!" snapped Cell, "If you're such a tough guy you won't need a bath to wash that oil off."

"Well of course I don't," said Freeza shakily, "only a sissy would have a wash now, I like being dirty."

"Oh good," said Cell smugly, "prove it."

"Very well," said Freeza, "I'll just sit here on your nice clean floor with out worrying how dirty I am-"

"GO HAVE A BATH!" snapped Cell leaping off the sofa to stop Freeza touching the floor, "A DON'T TOUCH THE FLOOR ON YOUR WAY!" Freeza smiled smugly a flew too the bath room. "Darn it!" snapped Cell once he had gone, "he dripped on the carpet, pass me that cleaner Goku I have to get this out before this stains." Goku passed Cell the cleaner and then settled back to watch the rather surreal sight of Cell cleaning the carpet. "Dam it I'm just rubbing it in," continued Cell worriedly, "Now it's smudging!"

"Stop right there Cell," said Goku, "I don't want the inspector to see a ruined carpet; here's a little trick I used to clean up after myself when Chi-Chi was out."

"This better be good," said Cell. Goku smiled and picked up the couch moving it on top of the stain.

"Easy," he said, "wait a second, there's a tomato sauce stain where the sofa was."

"Really," said Cell, unconvincingly surprised.

"Oh well," said Goku, "I guess we'll just have to move something else." He reached for the book case when Cell stopped him.

"Can I save you some time," he said, "Freeza and I are already aware of that particular cleaning technique."

"I see," said Goku thoughtfully, "We're going to need another piece of furniture aren't we?"

"I thought a recliner would be nice," confirmed Cell. Goku nodded, but before they could discuses it further Cooler burst thought the letter box.

"Post's here!" he declared proudly.

"Never mind the post," said Goku, "did you reach our recruitment target?"

"Easy peasy," said Cooler, "there all out side waiting to swear the oath of allegiance!"

"What oath of allegiance?" asked Goku, slightly confused, "There's no oath of allegiance?"

"Really?" said Cooler thoughtfully, "oh yeah, that's the other organisation I'm in."

"What other organisation?" demanded Cell.

"I shall never tell!" declared Cooler snapping to attention, "The Grand Cooler would be furious if I did."

"Okay," said Goku carefully, "Why don't you just show us the new recruits."

"Yes sir," declared Cooler leading out side. Cell and Goku followed into the apparently empty court yard.

"Tada!" said Cooler proudly.

"Cooler," said Goku as calmly as he could manage, "how many recruits are there supposed to be here?"

"35067," declared Cooler happily.

"Are these imaginary recruits?" asked Goku. Cooler stared blankly so Goku made his point clearer, "THERE'S NO ONE HERE!"

"Yes there is!" snapped Cooler, "There all right here." Cell and Goku looked at each other and wondered over to where Cooler was pointing. There, if they looked very closely they could see a large group of ants.

"Those are the new recruits," exclaimed Cell, "There no good! Most of them can't even see a crime, let alone stop it!"

"Yes," said Goku looking at a pile of papers Cooler had handed him, "but they've all sighed the right paper work and have agreed to work for nothing, so I would class them as the ideal recruits!"

"Well as long as they don't get promoted ahead of me," muttered Cell. Behind them Freeza emerged from the Police station.

"What's going on now?" he asked.

"Well," said Goku, "You've just stood on a bunch of our new recruits…"

"Ooops," said Freeza, looking at his feet, "well at least I showed them who the veteran around here is."  
"YOU JERK!" snapped Cooler, "YOU TAKE HAZING TO FAR!"

"…Any way," continued Goku, ignoring the distractions, "I think we've done everything we needed to do before the inspector arrives. And if the jail is as clean as the police station then we're bound to make a great first impression."

"The jail?" asked Cell nervously.

"Yes the jail," repeated Goku, "its part of the police property, why haven't you cleaned it?"

"We've never cleaned it!" said Cell, "or got the prisoners to slop out or even fed them. Ahem." He finished nervously. Goku pause for a moment and looked at Cell calmly. Then he exploded with a furious flash of yellow energy.

"WHY THE HFIL NOT!" he bellowed.

"Well we thought that the jail was looked after by the prison service," explained Cell, putting emphasis on the "we" to help share the blame.

"NO" snapped Goku, "THEY'RE OUR RESPONCIBLITY TILL THEY'VE BEEN TRIALED! I LEFT A MEMO, WHY DIDN'T YOU READ IT."

"Well with all due respect," said Freeza, carefully, "we can't read your hand writing, a monkey could do better! Although this would explain why the prisoners where always so cranky when we came to take them to trial."

"Okay," said Goku, calming down, "it's been done now. We still have 22 and a half hours left till the inspector arrives…"

"That's 1350 minutes or 81000 seconds," declared Cooler happily.

"Is that all," screamed Goku returning to his super headless chicken form, "We have to get back to work; we need to clean the prison, fatten up the prisoners and bribe them all to say nice things about us!"

"But not too nice or we'll appear soft," pointed our Freeza.

"Good point," declared Goku, "Now don't just stand there, get to work!"

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The Jail was not a pleasant place; this wasn't surprising since no one had cleaned it for a couple of thousand years. All the doors and walk ways where rusty and damp, and cobwebs where everywhere. The lights weren't working either; well they could have been, but the amount of dirt covering the bulbs made it impossible to tell.

"I can't believe," said Goku as they squelched down the corridor, "that you two when down here almost every day, and didn't think there was something wrong with the condition this place is in."

"We thought it was left like this on purpose," said Freeza, "to destroy the prisoner's sprits. It's not that bad really."

"Not that bad!" exclaimed Goku, "The walls are so damp that if you lent against one you could drown!"

"Well its better then most of the prisons I used when I was alive," protested Freeza. Goku sighed.

"Why doesn't that surprise me," he said, "the inspector is going to have a fit when he sees this."

"Why don't we tell him we did this deliberately," suggested Cell. "We can tell him that we believe that people go to jail to be punished."

"That might work," replied Goku thoughtfully.

"And if he complains you could leak to the press that the authorities are soft on crime and think all criminals should be put up in five star hotels," continued Cell, "That'll force him to agree with us to prove the press wrong."

"I don't think it's very likely," said Goku, "that the inspector will suggest that we put prisoners up in five star hotels."

"Yeah but the press would love to believe that he did," said Cell. Goku thought for a moment.

"You know I think that'll work," said Goku.

"Great!" declared Cell and Freeza in chorus, turning on the spot, "let's go!"

"Wait a minute!" snapped Goku. Freeza and Cell stopped suddenly, causing Cooler to walk into the back of Cell. "Where do you think you're going," the Saiyan continued, "We may have excused the corridors but the cells have to be up to a minimum standard."

"What!" exclaimed Freeza, (the only one out raged as Cooler was too busy trying to give Cell his insurance details after there bump), "That's preposterous. There prisoners, what exactly should we give them? A TV? A Pool table, a bed? Why don't we just put bars on the windows of there house?"

"Because that would be too expensive," said Goku bluntly, "and the minimum standards are quiet simple. A cell must have plenty of food and not be covered in faeces!"

"I had a shower this morning!" snapped Cell indignantly, "so I'm perfectly clean, and as for the food, well there's nothing wrong with going on a diet once in a while. Just because I'm trying to stay in shape unlike you two doesn't give you the right to be rude!"

"We weren't talking about you Cell," began Goku- but he was interrupted by Cooler.

"So your name is Cell ahay" he said writing on an imaginary piece of paper, "right that wasn't so hard, now can you please give me your insurance details, I don't want you messing up my no claims bonus."

"No I won't!" snapped Cell, "Because I don't have insurance, a driving license and neither did we just have a car crash because I wasn't driving anything!"

"MY GOD!" exclaimed Cooler, he turned to the others, "you two are witness to that; he just admitted to being out of control of the vehicle, with no insurance or license, what is this world coming too?" Freeza rolled his eyes and thumped Cooler directly on top of his head. This, they had recently discovered, could reset his memory, or render him unconscious, no one usually cared which. With the distraction out of the way Goku turned back to Freeza.

"Anyway, we have to make sure that all the cells we're using are up to standard, okay," he said. He paused for a moment to look around. "Which cells are we using? All these ones appear to be empty."

"Oh yeah, these cells all have faults," explained Freeza, "broken locks, rusty bars, missing widows, escape tunnels and so on, the kind of thing that doesn't make them very good at holding prisoners. We couldn't be bothered to repair them all so we just repaired one of the ones in the basement and squashed all the prisoners in there."

"I guess that explains why it's so quiet," said Goku, "right then lets sort out that cell."

The HIFLPD continued there journey into the prison, down the flights of rusty stairs into the basement of Hell. There only light was a feeble flash light, and the only sound they could here was there foot steps and the dripping of the pipes, (and Cooler gargling the water he caught in his mouth, but telling you that would ruin the spooky image).

"I always thought jails where noisy places," said Goku as the walked down the stairs, "but this place is really quiet."

"A far too quiet it you know what I mean," said Cell.

"Not really," said Goku, "what do you mean exactly."

"I don't know either," admitted Cell, "but it's what people say in movies when there in dark and spooky place which should be crowded and noisy."

"Do you think that the prisoners could have all been eaten by a giant Boar Constrictor snake," suggested Freeza nervously. Cell glared at him.

"What on Hell makes you think that?" he demanded.

"It happened in a movie I once saw," Freeza began, "the back of the DVD box for. It could have been based off a true story you know." He finished lamely.

"Did it say that it was in the movie," asked Cell.

"I don't know," said Freeza, "I never watched it, it looked far too scary."

"Scary!" exclaimed Cell, "a snake! How can a being who used to blow up planets for a living be scared of a snake?"

"Well I never found blowing up planets scary because I was doing it," pointed out Freeza, "and I'm sure I wouldn't have found that film scary if I was the snake."

"Actually the snake was probably scared of the prisoners," explained Cell smugly, "that's why it lashed out and ate everyone."

"Fine then smart arse," snapped Freeza, angrily.

"Well I'm clearly smarter then you," retorted Cell, "cause only a complete idiot would worry about a giant boar constrictor down here, right Goku?"

"Yup," agreed Goku, quietly, "it's the balslick snakes from Harry Potter you've got to look out for; they can kill you just by looking at you! They're just the kind of thing that would slither about in the depth of hell to."

"What!" exclaimed Cell stamping his foot, "you're worried about snakes too?"

"Well they're kind of icky," explained Goku.

"And don't stamp your foot!" snapped Freeza, "Snakes hear through the ground, you don't want to attract its attention do you."

"Until we've set a trap at least," put in Goku, "we'll need to kill the snake before the inspector arrives, I don't think he'll give us a good report if he gets eaten."

"I'm not going to attract its attention!" bellowed Cell, jumping up and down furiously, "because there is no snake to attract! If you too say one more thing about a snake I swear to-" but he didn't get any further. For at that moment a long muscular snake like thing wrapped its self around Cell's neck. The Android screamed and dropped the flash light. Goku and Freeza immediately joined in the screaming. There where several large crashes and shouts of "Ouch!" all with the back drop of Cell screaming "IT'S GOT ME! THE SNAKES GOT ME!" before Freeza found the light switch. Turning this on revealed Freeza's foot caught in a slop bucket, Goku bent double over with the corner of a desk in his chest and Cell, with Cooler's tail around his neck.

"What the HIFL are you doing," demanded Cell, as soon as he realized what had happened.

"I'm a Snake," hissed Cooler. "You're going to be my piece offering when the Giant Snake arrives so that we can be friends and he won't eat me."

"Shouldn't that be "peace" offering?" corrected Goku.

"Not in this case," hissed Cooler, "Now hold still while I crush you."

"No!" snapped Cell angrily, "and your not a snake!"

"Don't blow my cover," growled Cooler, you'll ruin this entire operation!"

"What operation!" demanded Cell, rapidly running out of patience, "your not doing any operation."

"Of course I'm not," said Cooler seriously, "I'm not a surgeon. How stupid can you get?"

"I know," agreed Freeza, "he so dumb he thought he was being attacked by a snake down here."

Cooler nodded, sat down in the chair behind the desk and started making paper aeroplanes. Meanwhile Cell was busy grinding his teeth and thinking of something to snap back at Freeza. Goku interrupted his thought process.

"This is the cell you where using right?" he asked gesturing to the one opposite the desk.

"Yep that's it," confirmed Freeza.

"How many prisoners are supposed to be in it?" asked Goku. Freeza dodged a paper aeroplane (which hit Cell in the eye) and picked up the prison log book off the desk.

"Sixty Three," he announced proudly.

"Okay then," said Goku, "can you please explain why it's EMPTY!" Freeza jumped and looked into the empty cell.

"Arr crap!" he exclaimed in disgust before turning to Cell, "the lose bars gone."

"Lose bar," repeated Goku weakly.

"Yes, one of the bars was lose," admitted Cell, "we did a temporary fix and left a note for the staff, but seeing as we tuned out to be the staff it never got properly fixed."

"We should have done it properly the first time," growl Freeza, "I told you the chewing gum wouldn't hold."

"Chewing gum," repeated Goku, in a state of shock.

"Well it was better then the sticky tape he was intending to use!" retorted Cell angrily.

"STICKY TAPE!" screamed Goku who had finally found his voice, "YOU IDIOTS! CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING? FOR CRYING OUT; LOUD KRILLIN IS MORE USEFUL THEN YOU TWO!"

"Ouch for Krillin," muttered Freeza in the back ground, but Goku didn't hear him.

"WE ONLY HAVE 21 HOURS TO COVER THIS UP!" he continued, "AND I DON'T CARE IF WE'RE UP ALL NIGHT DOING IT!" the furious Saiyan took a few deep breaths to calm down before grabbing the log books and turning to Cooler. "Cooler I have an important job for you," he said.

"More important then designing the plane that will change the coarse of the War?" asked Cooler temporarily stopping his important work.

"Much more important Cooler," said Goku slyly, "I want you to use that amazing head of yours to put these books in a safe place, the safest you can think of." Cooler thought for a moment.

"Like in the middle of a black hole?" he asked.

"No no no no no," said Goku shaking his head, "don't tell be where you're going to put them, just put them there okay?"

"Yes Sir!" said Cooler, who saluted and ran off. Goku turned to the others.

"Okay I'm off to the DIY store to get some new bars," he said, "By time I get back I want these old bars removed, and all the rubbish clear out of this cell okay!"

"Yes, sir" Cell and Freeza chorused.

"Good," said Goku, "because if it's not done I'll Kamehamehar you two in to the next century!" and with that he stalked off.

"Well you heard him," said Freeza, thrusting a mop into Cell's mouth, "let's get this Cell cleaned out," he chuckled. Cell spat the mop out of his mouth and grabbed Freeza around the neck.

"If you make that joke one more time," he snapped, "I will do something very unhygienic with that mop!"

Miraculously Cell and Freeza managed to clear up the cell in time, soon they where helping Goku fit the new bars to the cell entrance. Sort of helping anyway.

"It's not going to fit like that!" snapped Cell angrily.

"It's going to fit!" said Goku determinedly.

"If you'd just look at the instructions," protested Cell, "You'd see that that part doesn't go there."

"If it doesn't go there then why is it fitting?" countered Goku

"That's because you're forcing it!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"AM NOT!"

"Fine you do it wrong see if I care, I wash my hands of this entire-" CLICK.

"There," announced Goku proudly, "it's in!" Cell glared at him and then at the instruction manual that had clearly betrayed him.

"All done here too," said Freeza, finishing the last screw, "and all with out any help from Cell- the instruction reading android." Goku and Freeza proudly stepped to the back of the cell to admire their handy work, while Cell stood at the front, trying to spot a flaw in it.

"Well I'm exhausted after all that," said Goku, "I need some sleep before the inspector comes. Do you guys mind if I crash at your place tonight?"

"Course not," said Freeza, "you can have Cell's, bed."

"Small problem with that," said Cell proudly.

"He has to use yours," said Freeza smugly, "he's too tall for my bed and you can't expect our guest to sleep on the floor."

"That's not the problem Freeza," said Cell.

"Then what is the problem," demanded Freeza.

"Oh you'll find it when you get there," said Cell smugly leaning against the cell wall.

"It's too late for games," yawned Goku, "I'm sure it's not a major problem, let's go." Freeza and Goku headed for the exit; however they only got as far as the bars across the exit of the cell. After a moment pause Goku realised what was wrong with them.

"Where's the door?" he asked.

"Over there by the tool box," announced Cell smugly pointing through the bars, "propped up against the desk. Looks like we're going to have to start again, only this time we'll follow the instructions!"

"Fine," groaned Goku, "Freeza, you better start unscrewing it all."

"Err, there may be a slight problem with that," said Freeza quietly.

"What's the problem?" asked Goku in a resigned frame of voice.

"I kind of tossed the screw driver into the tool box when I finished," mumbled Freeza, "it was a great throw, it landed in the correct part of the box and all, but it dose mean the screw driver is on," he pause for a moment, "that side of the bars!"

"You mean we're locked in," said Cell, as calmly as he could muster.

"Oh no," said Goku determinedly, "we're not locked in, we are not locked in." Suddenly the Saiyan threw himself at the bars, desperately trying to reach the tool box on the far side. He was a good metre too far away but it didn't stop him from trying. "Almost there!" he declared optimistically.

"Let me sort this out," said Cell, powering up a distructo disc. Goku suddenly leapt to his feet, standing in Cells path.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

"Breaking out of here," said Cell bluntly, "I thought it was obvious."

"No ones breaking out of anywhere!" declared Goku, "we can't afford to break any more bars. We have no money left to get new ones and I'm darn if I'm going to let the inspector find us with out a working cell."

"Have you seen the disc he made?" asked Freeza mockingly, "he's working just fine." Cell turned round and glared at him.

"I thought I told you-" he began.

"Yeah," interrupted Freeza, "but your mops on the other side on the bars too. So though guy what are you going to do now?"

"Cooler will come back here soon," explained Goku, causally ignoring Cell beating up Freeza, "we'll get him to pass us a screw driver when he gets here. Till then let's find away to keep our selves entertained.

"We could sing a song," suggested Freeza, pulling himself free from Cells grip.

"That's a good idea," said Goku, "anything particular in mind."

"Well here's a classic I think we all know," said Freeza, he cleared his throat impressively and began to sing;

_God save our gracious Lord Freeza,_

_Long live our noble Lord Freeza,_

_God save Lord Freeza. _

_Send him victorious,_

_Happy and glorious,_

_Born to terrorise us,_

_God save Lord Freeza._

Thankfully he stopped before the second verse.

"Why didn't you two join in?" he asked.

"Well," said Goku carefully, "I don't think either of us is familiar with that version of the song."

"Really," exclaimed Freeza, "it was one of the most popular songs in my empire, I'm surprised Vegeta never taught it too you."

"He didn't sing much," said Goku thoughtfully "except from when he sung along to West Life."

"Well let's try some of the other popular songs I know," said Freeza thoughtfully, "do either of you two know "Land of Hope and Freeza", or perhaps you've sung "Rule Lord Freeza"."

"You really are a self obsessed little git aren't you," said Cell, "I bet you wrote all these songs yourself so that you could feel big!"

"Me self obsessed!" snapped Freeza, "at least I don't go around telling everyone that I'm the perfect being! I bet you've written a song about that to make it easier to boast about!"

"Don't be ridicules!" snapped Cell, "A simple song wouldn't do my splendour any justice. I've written an entire opera about it, would you like to hear it, the tragic ending is particularly moving."

"Don't you need an entire group of actors to perform an opera," said Goku, trying to divert the android.

"Good, point, said Cell, "I know you two can play the other parts. Goku you can be Android 16, 17, Trunks, Vegeta and screaming civilian # 13, 7, 8,5,10 and 9. Freeza you can be Krillin, Tien, Piccolo, Gohan, Goku-"

"Why is he playing me?" demanded Goku angrily.

"I also notice that you've given me all the bald parts too," snapped Freeza.

"Well I always thought Goku would play a much more convincing Vegeta," said Cell, "now then- oh crude we don't have a piano down hear, I can't possible do this with out music. Looks like we'll have to find something else to do!"

"What a shame," said Freeza and Goku, breathing a collective sigh of relief.

"I know," said Cell, "let's play charades instead."

"Arr no," groaned Freeza, "I hate charades, I'm no good at miming and I usually get so frustrated that I end up executing everyone whose trying to guess."

"Wow," said Goku, "that can't go down to well with your guest."

"You'd think so," said Freeza, "but no one ever complains about it afterwards."

"I wonder why," muttered Cell, "anyway I've got one, try and guess it."

After displaying that it was a two word movie, Cell picked up a bunch of stones off the floor and threw five of them at Freeza. The Icejin wasn't expecting it and was hit right between the eyes. Goku meanwhile tried to guess.

"Ooooh it's "Deep Impact", no? Okay then "Armogendon" no that's one word, Oh it must be "Train spotting" because he's stoned. Not clever then that? Five stones… I wonder… ROCKY V!" he declared at last.

"Huh I thought it was harder then that," said Cell, as Freeza staggered back to his feet, "Very well it's your go!"

"Hang on a second!" snapped Freeza, "that wasn't fair, I couldn't guess because I was being hit by stones!"

"Would you have really got that?" asked Cell.

"Probably not, considering I didn't know there were five Rocky movies, but I might of," said Freeza defensively.

"Sorry Freeza it's my go," said Goku, "but he is right, we should really try to make it fair. Okay I'll start now."

"Planet of the Apes!" said Freeza before Goku could even start to move.

"Oh don't be such a bad loser!" said Cell irritably, "that insult was uncalled for."

"Actually he was right," said Goku, "I always loved that movie, we finally got to show those humans who's the boss of that planet!" he declared vigorously, before noticing the other two staring at him. "I mean it's your turn then Freeza."

"Alright then," said Freeza leaping to his feet, "It's a movie/book and its' two words. Let's go."

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"Chicken run?" asked Goku a tired, "Godzilla 2 if such a movie exists? "War of the Worlds"? "Shaggy Dog"? I don't know, Cell you try guessing something."

"Sorry Goku," said Cell who was trying to hold on to the remains of his sanity, "I've said every movie I've ever seen, heard of or have presumed could exist."

"I think your guest of Titanic was a little far fetched," said Goku gesturing to the funny stomping way which Freeza was walking around in and had been walking around in for the last seven hours!

"He could have been wading through the water?" suggested Cell, "it was more likely then all those James bond films you said!"

"I thought one of the villains walked like that," protested Goku, "I just couldn't remember which one." He looked at Freeza again. "I'm personally amazed he isn't tired by now."

"Well I am," said Cell, "We give up! What is it?"

"IT WAS "TRIASSIC PARK"!" screamed Freeza leaping out of his trance walk instantly, "I WAS WALKING AND ROARING LIKE A DINOSAUR! HOW COULD YOU TWO NOT GET THAT?"

"Err Freeza, there's no such movie as "Triassic Park"," said Goku, "We guessed "Jurassic Park" second! If you knew your movies we wouldn't have just wasted seven hours of eternity watching you stomp about like a chicken!"

"Chicken?" exclaimed Cell, "I thought he was doing a Charlie Chaplin impression."

"So that's why you were guessing all those movies," said Goku, but before he could say anything else Freeza grabbed his collar."

"CHICKEN!" he screamed, "CAN A CHICKEN ROAR?" Goku was about to reply with another insult when a familiar voice entered the cell.

"Quiet down in there prisoners!" snapped Cooler, banging a truncheon (or night stick if you like) on the bars of the cell.

"Cooler!" exclaimed Goku joyfully, "where have you been I expected you back here hours ago! Oh never mind, just pass us a screw driver so we can get out of here before the inspector arrives."

"I'm sorry prisoner," said Cooler bluntly, "but I can not let you out unless I have a form telling me to. Mr Goku would get mad if I did."

"Cooler, I am Goku," said Goku.

"Well then you of all people should know that I can't release you with out those forms." replied Cooler bluntly. Goku stared at him for a moment trying to work out what to say.

"Let me deal with this," said Cell walking up to the front of the cell. Suddenly the Android stretched his arm like a Namek's out of the cell to grab Cooler around the neck. "Listen Cooler I'm going to give you an instruction even you can't miss interpret," he growled, "get that screw driver or else I'll break your neck."

"But screws can't drive," protested Cooler nervously.

"Right you asked for it," said Cell, but before he could squeeze Cooler's neck he was hit very hard by Freeza.

"You idiot," snapped Freeza, "if you can stretch your limbs like that why didn't you just get the screw driver yourself!"

"Because I wanted you two too suffer for not reading the instructions like I told you to," said Cell simply, "and if that makes you mad why don't you do something about it."

"Oh I will," growled Freeza powering up an energy ball.

"Stop it!" ordered Goku, "There's no way I'm going to let the inspector turn up with you two trying to kill each other. Mainly because I'M GOING TO KILL YOU TWO FIRST!" he finished screaming.

"Hmmm," mused Cell, "he's finally flipped."  
"Well why's he made at me?" asked Freeza nervously, "I didn't do anything!" Sadly Freeza didn't get to make any more protests before him and Cell where both grabbed round the neck by Goku. Goku also stuck his feet through the bars to strangle Cooler, just for good measure.

"I TRIED TO BE REASONBALE WITH YOU THREE," he bellowed, "BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH EVEN FOR ME!"

"Gaaak…. Goku….gaakk behind….grraaalll… you," spluttered Freeza desperately as he was being choked.

"Oh No," said Goku, "Your not getting out of this that easily!"

"Hmmmm," a new voice said suddenly, "what an interesting way to discipline the staff Captain Son. However it is not in the regulations." Goku froze and turned round to see the inspector standing at the bars.

"Oh that!" he said quickly dropping the villains, "that was nothing, we were just playing. Right guys?"

"Well this is no time for games Son," said the inspector strictly, "Now why are you behind those bars and where are the sixty three prisoners that should be there?" Goku froze and turned to Cooler.

"I thought I told you to put the log book in the safest place you could think of!" he mouthed.

"I tried to," said Cooler proudly, "but then I thought that if these were so important the best thing I could do was look after it myself until the inspector arrived and give them straight to him."

"NO!" wailed Goku, "that wasn't what you were supposed to do at all!"

"Oh really," said the Inspector. "Did you not want me to see these books Captain? Have all the prisoners in it escaped perchance?" Goku tried to come up with a good reply but it was no use. Instead he fell to the ground and started beating the floor in furry!

"It's not fair!" he cried, "I tried so hard, but everything's ruined, it's all screwed up! I'm doomed utterly doomed! I want to go home!" Cell, Freeza, Cooler and the Inspector watched the scene for a few moments before Cell felt the need to step in.

"AS you can see," he said to the inspector, "this is a great example of how being looked in one of our damp, doorless cells can destroy a criminal's moral thus increasing the fear of prison and decreasing the chance of re-offending. If I may refer you to the study of 1465…."

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Okay folks, I hope you enjoyed that one. Please let me know what you think and leave a suggestion if you have any (although it's not too desperate right now as I have enough suggestions for the next few chapters). Okay I'll try to update again soon.


	6. Cell meets his maker Part 1

Okay folks here we are again with another story. Before we start I need to thank Makota, Happyface101 and densetsu no super saiyajin for contributing ideas to this story. I also need to thank Makota for beta reading this too. Don't worry if your idea hasn't been used yet; I'm writing them in this order for the sake of the overall plot. If you haven't seen an overall plot yet… well there is one, I promise. Okay let's get on with it.

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Cell Meets his Maker: Part 1

Sleeping isn't always easy, especially in hell: beds are badly made, windows creak in the unrelenting wind, and doors are always drafty. However the biggest problem with sleep in Hell is that there is only twenty three hours in the day! That's right no time elapses between 3am and 4am, however by that time of night every one is too tired to notice. As a result everyone in Hell is always really tired. Fortunately there is a place where this problem can be solved.

"Come on guys shake a leg," said Goku impatiently, "It's not that early and you must have had more sleep then me since I've already commuted from haven to get here."

"I don't care," said Freeza irritably, "I'm not going anywhere till I get my coffee."

"You came to this diner," pointed out Cell with all the smugness of a perfect android that doesn't need much sleep.

"It's just across the street from the Police station," snapped Freeza, "I would have to walk further to get to the kitchen and although I'd probably get a better cup of coffee there I can't be bothered to make it."

"Oh come on Freeza," said Goku, "I think the service here is pretty good."

"You might get better service Freeza," suggested Cell, "If you were nicer to the waitress."

"I have no idea what you mean," said Freeza innocently. Just then, as if on cue the waitress turned up.

"Good morning," she said sweetly, "what can I get my brave crime fighting boys today? Goku?"

"I'll have an iced tea please," said Goku pleasantly. The waitress smiled and turned to Cell.

"Your usual?" she asked, "an Earl Grey Breakfast Tea with the milk going in first."

"Splendid," replied Cell, "you know me too well Patsy." Patsy smiled again and turned to Cooler.

"And what do you want today, Cooler?" she asked in understanding tones. "Or is it Admiral Cooler?"

"Why yes it is," said Cooler commandingly, "how good of you to notice my hat."

"I really hate that hat," muttered Freeza under his breath.

"Admiral Cooler would like a glass of your finest transmission fluid if you would be so kind," continued Cooler, unaware of Freeza's dig. Patsy smiled sweetly.

"I'll see what we can do admiral," she said performing a little curtsy that made Cooler beam. Finally she glanced at Freeza. "What do you want?" she asked harshly. Freeza's reply was even less pleasant.

"Coffee Black!" he growled, "the same I have everyday! Can't you remember that for once! No wonder you're only a waitress!" Pasty glared at him, made a note, and stormed off. "See," said Freeza gesturing towards the point Patsy had just been standing, "This is the kind of service I have to put up with, why do I always get the grumpy waiter?"

"I have no idea," said Cell sarcastically.

"Well looks like we'll be here for a while," said Goku leaning back in his chair, "Admiral, could you go to that newsagents across the street and get me a paper?"

"Certainly," said Cooler cheerfully hopping into a small sailing boat inexplicably moored next to Cooler's chair. "Raise anchors!" order Cooler, "and set sail!" With that the boat proceeded to sail across the diner's floor, out of the door and into the street beyond, where it immediately started causing problems for the passing traffic.

"Err did that thing have wheels?" asked Freeza, in confused tones.

"I didn't see any," replied Goku.

"You know," said Cell, "a physicist could spend years re-writing the laws of nature in the small patch of space that that creature occupies."

"Physicist," exclaimed Goku, "what he needs is a psychiatrist!"

"Oh no we tried that already," said Freeza, "it didn't end too well."

"Really, what happened?" asked Goku.

"Let's just say you can still occasionally see Doctor Frank," explained Freeza, "hopping round town on a pogo stick singing all the songs from Grease."

"Oh," said Goku thoughtfully, "I see."

Presently Patsy returned with their drinks and a bowl of Doughnuts. Cell and Goku said, "Thank you," while Freeza eyed his coffee suspiciously.

"Isn't she a peach," said Goku cheerfully gorging himself, "she brought us all these Doughnuts and we didn't even ask for them."

"Yeah," said Freeza, "well I'd check the bill carefully if I were you!" He took a sip of his coffee, a sip which he immediately spat out.

"Something wrong?" asked Cell casually.

"Darn right there is!" growled Freeza, "There's Anthrax Spores in my Coffee….again! Boy is she in for it this time," he snapped leaping to his feet, "why I ought to…" Unfortunately Freeza never got around to saying what he ought to do because as soon as he stepped away from his chair he was run over by a sailing boat.

"Huh," said Cell, "Looks like the Admiral's returned."

"I have your newspaper, Sir," announced Cooler grandly hopping out of the boat and offering it to Goku, "However I'm afraid I lost your change overboard during a storm." He took off his hat apologetically. Goku and Cell glanced at each other.

"Err nevermind," said Goku taking the soggy newspaper, "The paper was the most important thing." He opened it up, spilling a large amount of water and a few fish into his lap. "Well at least you got dinner," he said cheerfully.

"Can I have the business section?" asked Cell, "I want to see how my stocks are doing."

"I didn't think your wore socks," said Goku, as he handed it over, Cell didn't bother to correct him. "Do you want anything Freeza?"

"Sports would be nice," groaned Freeza from beneath Cooler's boat, Goku cheerfully dropped it down to him before returning to his paper. This promptly put a stop to his cheerfulness.

"Oh no," lamented Goku, upon seeing the front page.

"I know," said Cell, "my stocks are through the floor. There goes my plan for retirement!"

"Retirement!" sneered Freeza, from under the boat, "you're in Hell for eternity how could you ever earn enough money to retire?"

"Well I was planning to make enough money so that I could live off the interest from a savings account," grumbled Cell, "but unless people start buying more used soups it's not going to happen."

"Used soup!" exclaimed Freeza, "and you say that I'm a bad strategist!"

"Actually I had some of that stuff the other day," said Goku, "it's not too bad, as long as you don't mind the taste. Anyway that's not what I was groaning about."

"Well I didn't expect you to care about our retirement," grumbled Cell, "since you got rid of our pension plan."

"I already told you, we'll discuss that when I meet the union next month!" said Goku, "what I'm worried about at the moment is the inspector's report, which is coming out in just three days, and if the paper's are to be believed it won't be good! They say we're under performing! They could shut us down!"

"Don't worry sir!" declared Cooler proudly, "If they shut us down we'll go solo with this ship; be pirates working on the open seas, keeping all the bootie to ourselves for a change. All you need is a parrot and a missing eye; let me help you with that." Cooler grabbed a fork from the table and lunged at Goku! Fortunately, the Saiyan caught Cooler's hand before it did any major damage.

"Let's cross that particular bridge when we come to it," he suggested. Cooler shrugged and returned the fork to the table.

"I know how you can improve your performance," interrupted an eavesdropper from the neighbouring table.

"Oh really," said Cell angrily, "and what would you know about policing, citizen?"

"Well I know that you would catch more criminals if you did some work!" snapped the angry citizen "rather then sitting there eating doughnuts."

"Oh don't worry about that," said Cell, "we've got our new recruits on the job."

"Yep," said Goku, "this city is too big for the four of us to cover, so we have twenty-six new officers to help us. Ah, here comes our traffic officer to report now." The citizen and other curious coffee drinkers looked up to see a Cell Jr enter the diner, pushing what looked like a huge paper wheel in front of him.

"Okay U," said Cell as his kid approached, "let's see how you did with those tickets today." Cell got out a tape measure and measured the diameter of the wheel, which was actually a huge roll of tickets. "You've only taken two feet off!" Cell snapped when he was done, "I told you to get rid of three feet of tickets! How do you expect us to pay for the printing, your police bike and make a profit if you don't hand out more tickets?"

"Gaakkk!" protested U, but it was no good.

"Get back to work you slacker!" order Cell. U sprinted out of the diner and hopped onto his bike, pedalling away as fast as he could. "Phew," said Cell, "I need another cup of tea after that."

"You know I think you where a bit hard on U," said Goku, "he's not lazy really, not like R is anyway."

"Listen Goku," said Cell, "the day you can criticize my parenting is the day you remember your youngest child's name!"

"That's easy," said Goku, "I only have one kid, Gohan!"

"What about young Goten sir?" asked Cooler, politely. Goku thought for a moment as Cell smirked.

"Oh crap," snapped Goku at last, "I always forget about him! But to be fair I have never seen him."

"That's no excuse," said Freeza from under the boat, "I was almost always away form my son but I never forgot about young whathisname."

"I rest my case," said Cell proudly.

"Well you've also proved my next point," interrupted the angry citizen, "You guys never catch any real criminals. All you do is catch people who speed, park illegally, write graffiti, or litter while muggers and gangsters go free!"

"Hang on a sec," said Goku, "a moment ago you said we didn't do any work, and now you're accusing us of catching too many petty criminals; you can't have it both ways."

"I'm an angry citizen of a democracy!" snapped the citizen, "I can complain about what ever I like, unless you Gestapo men want to arrest me for speaking my mind."

"Don't temp me," muttered Cell.

"Listen, we would deal with muggings and so forth if only people reported it," said Goku defensively, "and while we're here what's a Gestapo? Is it a good thing?"

"I was mugged the other day," snapped another citizen, "and when I tried to report it the Icea/Icejin at the reception desk told me this wasn't the police station. He said it was the Kennedy Space centre. What do you idiots have to say about that?"

"Well that could happen with any service," splutter Goku defensively. "We would deal with any crime we know about I assure you!"

"Then what about the protection racket the Red Ribbon Army runs around here?" asked Patsy joining in the conversation, "the boss is always complaining about it but you haven't done anything! It happens on your own street, right under your nose."

"We haven't missed that!" snapped Freeza, causing everyone to look down at him, "We wouldn't miss something that obvious."

"Oh," said one of the citizens "and what have you done about it?"

"Yes I would like to know too," said Goku, suspiciously.

"Well," said Freeza, nervously, "These androids come around each Saturday at 10 and I pay them not to smash the place up."

"WHAT!" chorused Cell and Goku in horror, "You paid them?"

"Well they're really strong," said Freeza, "and you can't really put a price on not getting beaten up. I think it's a sound investment."

"So that's the undisclosed payment that's nearly bankrupted us!" said Goku angrily, "Cell, I'm sorry for accusing you of spending it all on hair gel."

"It wasn't your fault," said Cell, shaking his brilliantly waxed head, "It's Freeza's and those racketeers'; we should take a stand against them!"

"I agree," said Goku, "We can not let such an expensive injustice stand, are you with us Freeza?"

"Well I'd love to help," said Freeza apologetically, "but I'm stuck under this boat you see." Cell and Goku immediately swung around and lifted it off him, with some assistance from eager citizens. "Oh crap," said Freeza, "I mean, great I can get beaten up by those Androids, good for me."

"To battle it is then men!" declared Cooler, "just wait a moment." He quickly ducked down into his boat, coming back up with a pair of flags which he waved around enthusiastically.

"What's he doing?" asked Patsy curiously.

"I believe he's signalling," said Cell, "that "England expects every Icejin, Android and Saiyan to do his duty, and ride a unicycle for the people's entertainment.""

"Well put Cooler," said Goku, "When the Red Ribbon Army gets here today, we'll be waiting for them."

"Are you sure you can win?" asked a now concerned citizen, "They'll probably up the rate if you lose, or worse smash up my store in revenge."

"Don't worry about the Red Army;" said Goku proudly, "the Gestapo are on the case!"

The people in the diner cheered. Well everyone except Freeza.

"I don't know what it is," he said, "but I have a bad feeling about this, that last line seemed kind of ironic..."

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"So this is what it's like to be a hero," said Freeza unhappily as they stood on top of a building looking down on the street. There was a biting wind and all four of them were shivering profusely. "Didn't you ever get bored of all this waiting around?"

"Yes," admitted Goku, "It does get dull, but when the villain does make his move it's usually worth it. I can't wait to fight these androids; it's been a while since I've had a serious fight."

"Don't you mean you can't wait to beat those Androids," enquired Freeza hopefully, "I mean that's why we're here right?"

"Well obviously I would like to win," said Goku, "but I don't want a dull fight, I want to earn my win; it's more fun that way."

"You're weird," said Freeza, "I always just wanted to win! The fun always came afterwards, when I had to get information out of the survivors."

"Well you can question the prisoners then when we're done," said Goku "sound fair?"

"Okay," said Freeza, "as long as you don't leave me alone with them! I want to be the torturer, not the torturee."

"At last," said Cell looking down into the street, "they're here, half an hour late though! You'd think that they would be on time for there own protection racket collection. Gangsters these days! They're just not reliable."

"Hey!" exclaimed Freeza, "look they have a BMW! That's a better car than ours! Right I really want Goku to get them now!" he said determinedly.

"Cooler," said Goku, jumping off the building "make sure Freeza joins us."

"Yes Sir!" said Cooler drawing a sabre and pointing it at Freeza's back.

"Fine you made your point," muttered Freeza, who proceeded to follow them down to the street. As Goku had hoped they caught the androids completely off guard.

"Hold it right there!" declared Goku, the Androids jumped and turned around.

"Oh no," said Dr Giro, "Goku's caught on to us at last! This will put us even further behind schedule than the traffic. Looks like I'll have to paint the living room tomorrow instead."

"The only late I'm going to make you is late as in "the late Dr Giro"," said Goku determinedly, "hey, even after all this time of being dead I'm still great at the cool comebacks!"

"Define cool," muttered Freeza.

"Feeble threats won't move me Saiyan," said Dr Giro, "I have the most powerful team of androids ever assembled."

"Oh really," said Cell angrily, "you think those failures Super Android 13 and Android 19 can beat us? That's a desperate bluff if ever I heard one."

"How dare you speak to your creator like that!" snapped Dr Giro, "You, Cell, were the biggest failure of all!"

"Hey!" said Cell defensively, "I killed Goku! What more could you want?"

"Nice to hear that you're still proud of it!" muttered Goku.

"Okay then, Cell," continued Dr Giro, ignoring Goku, "If you were such a success what are you doing in Hell? You were biologically perfect, you should have been able to defeat any foe, yet you where killed by an 11 year old boy."

"Bad design I guess," suggested Goku.

"Shut up you fool!" snapped Giro, "My design was perfect, it was Cell's incompetence that caused his failure."

"Why are you so angry with me?" asked Cell sounding deeply distressed, "all I ever did was try to please you, _sniff._"

"Oh I'm not angry," said Dr Giro grinding his teeth, "all I did was work away the golden years of my life creating you! That's right, I worked my fingers to the bone for you and all you gave me in return was failure! You ungrateful parasite!"

"Well I might have done better if you had taken me to the park or done something fun with me once in a while!" screamed Cell, who appeared close to a nervous breakdown, "but no it was always world destroying with you! You never cared about me. I HATE YOU!"

"It looks like this family discussion could take a while," whispered Freeza to Goku, "we should probably leave them to it." Goku quickly grabbed Freeza's tail.

"We're not going anywhere!" he whispered back, "Cell will probably need our help."

"I sorry to hear that you feel that way Cell," continued Dr Giro smugly, "cause I have a little surprise for you. It's your replacement, Android 25."

"Replace me!" exclaimed Cell, "How could you, you could never get good enough materials in Hell."

"Well it took a few attempts," admitted Dr Giro, "but I did it. Show yourself 25!"

"This should be good," muttered Cell to the others, "I'll deal this piece of junk, you lot can have the rest."

"If you insist," said Goku, "I'll take super 13, Freeza you can deal with Android 19 and Cooler…errr… You help anyone in trouble okay?"

"Yes sir!" declared Cooler saluting.

"Wait a second, which one is 19?" asked Freeza worriedly.

"The big fat one," replied Goku. Freeza looked the Android up and down.

"Okay," he said at last, "that seems fair, but if you guys finish yours first feel free to give me a hand, I don't mind." Unfortunately this didn't reach the other member's ears, they where all too busy staring at enormous Android 25 who had just climbed out of the BMW. He was at least 9 foot tall, wearing a too tight tea shirt and a leather jacket, with leather trousers. He had a bushy moustache and long black hair.

"Well someone forgot his Motorbike," mocked Cell, "Although I guess if he tried to ride one he'd look like a clown on one of their tiny little bikes," he sighed happily, "those clowns just crack me up!"

"Are you looking at me!" demanded Android 25 angrily, "I hope you weren't, cause I break the necks of people who look at me!"

"Charming," said Freeza, "He's not really very sociable is he?"

"But he looks really strong," said Goku eagerly. "Can we swap Cell? Please," he pleaded. "I want to fight the strongest Android."

"Then you can fight me after this," said Cell proudly, "I'm going to destroy that stupid Android. No one replaces me and gets away with it."

"Fine," sighed Goku, "I'll fight boring old Super 13 again."

"Enough of this foolishness," snapped Dr Giro, "Androids attack!"

The fight started very well for the… shall we call them good guys because Goku is on their team. Goku as a Super Saiyan was perfectly able to match Super 13. After some quick dodging around he was able to land some critical blows, flooring the Android. Android 25 ignored this and charged at Cell, the bio-Android absorbed the first hit and the two of them charged off into a high speed duel. Meanwhile Android 19 attacked Freeza who, quite sure nothing this fat could hurt him, fought back, with some success (notably when the Android tried to absorb his energy Freeza poked him in the eye, kicked him in the crouch, and then jumped on his hand until it didn't work anymore.) Pretty soon he joined Super 13 in a heap on the floor.

"Great work Freeza," said Goku cheerfully, "I see you developed some new techniques."

"Yup," panted Freeza, who was shaking slightly, "I perfected it in bar fights before joining the Police force. I call it, "hit them while they're down.""

"Nice," said Goku powering up a Kamehameha, "mind if I finish these two off?"

"Okay," gasped Freeza, "I think I need a lie down anyway."

Goku nodded and was about to fire when Cooler kicked him hard in the back. An Instant later he blasted Freeza on top of him.

"What the heck are you doing Cooler!" demanded Goku, throwing Freeza to the ground.

"Obeying your orders," said Cooler bluntly, "Android 19 and Super 13 are in trouble, so I'm helping them." He turned round to see that the Androids had got up again and were getting ready to counter attack. "Oh no," exclaimed Cooler, "now I have to help Goku and Freeza, I'm so overworked."

"I hope they vaporise him," muttered Freeza. Sadly, for Freeza, Cooler's Supernova blast took the Androids by surprise, knocking them to the ground.

"Good work Cooler," said Goku quickly, "now I have new orders for you, attack Dr Giro!" Freeza, Cooler and Goku charged the doctor. Quite naturally the doctor panicked.

"25!" he bellowed, "save me!" There was a large crash in a nearby dustbin. This was quickly followed by a huge energy blast landing in front of the HIFLPD, stopping them in their tracks. Goku swung round to find its source; of course this only provoked Android 25.

"I told you not to look at me!" he declared charging at Goku and the Icejins. Dr Giro had other plans.

"Come on 25!" he ordered from the BMW which 19 and 13 had already crawled into, "you can't protect me from all three of them so let's get out of here."

"But they looked at me!" protested 25 sulkily.

"I don't care!" snapped Dr Giro, "get in the car!" 25 reluctantly obeyed. However before they could escape Goku landed in their path.

"You're not going any-" he began, but before he could finish his words, or prepare to back them up, he was run over by Dr Giro. Furiously, the Saiyan leapt into the air to give chase. Unfortunately flying more then twenty feet off the ground put Goku into the choking thick smog of pollution that surrounds Hell. He quickly came back down for air.

"We'll have to take the car!" he spluttered.

"Way ahead of you," began Freeza, running to the Nissan Sunny. "What on Hell!" he exclaimed when he got there, "we've got a parking ticket! And we've been clamped! I never parked too close to that fire hydrant and even if I had, how can I move it if you clamp me? Darn those Cell Jrs! We should have never given them commission on the tickets they hand out!"

"Never mind about that, Giro's getting away!" declared Goku. The two Police Offices, who couldn't be bothered to run, watched helplessly as the BMW turned off the road and away. Well almost away. Suddenly there was a huge boom next to Goku and Freeza and something black hit the car.

"Got them!" declared Admiral Cooler proudly standing over a cannon!

"Where did he?" began Goku, "Actually I don't want to know, let's just see what he hit." The three officers jogged down the road to the point of impact. The BWM was gone but not all of the Androids had gone with it. Lying on the floor with a cannon ball in his chest was Android 19.

"Wow," said Goku, "great shot! You knocked Android 19 clean out of the car! It must have gone through the moving car window to do that!"

"Lucky," muttered Freeza, "he couldn't do that again if he tried!"

"We'll see!" declared Cooler grabbing the Cannon and firing at the next passing car. Goku and Freeza watched in a mixture of horror and amazement as the ball flew straight through the side window of the car. Unfortunately this was a different kind of ball, one which exploded on impact, obliterating the car and a surprising amount of the surrounding traffic.

"Rats," said Cooler, "wait there's another one, let me try again!"

"Just arrest 19 Cooler," said Goku as calmly as he could, "we can use him as a witness to bring down Giro. Of course we'll have to make him agree to talk first."

"That's my speciality!" declared Freeza proudly.

"Talking about Androids" continued Goku, "where is Cell?" Suddenly there was a groan from a neighbouring dustbin. Freeza wondered over to have a look inside. He opened it, took a good look, and closed it again.

"How is he?" asked Goku.

"Let's just say" replied Freeza, "that we should probably consider investing in our own Android 25."

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"Well he wasn't very talkative," grumbled Freeza, as he and Goku left the prison. "No matter what I did he wouldn't talk. I guess we'll just have to leave him down there to stew for awhile."

"Please don't mention stew," groan Goku, "my stomach still hasn't recovered from watching that."

"Oh don't be such a baby;" snapped Freeza, "it wasn't that bad. Actually I suppose I shouldn't complain, I did find a use for your vom-"

"SHUT UP!" ordered Goku, desperately looking for a bucket, "You disgust me! I mean was the" he swallowed hard, "rack really necessary, not to mention all those other tools you used?"

"Those were nothing but toys!" declared Freeza, "If I was going to get really nasty I would have used this!" he proudly produced a feather from his pocket.

"You would have tickled him!" exclaimed Goku brightening up a bit, "That doesn't seem too bad. I would have rather you'd done that!"

"Really?" exclaimed Freeza, "I always thought tickling was a disgusting form of torture!"

"Laughter isn't disgusting!" declared Goku.

"It is when a frogjin is doing it," pointed out Freeza, "especially when they reach hysterics. Stuff comes from every orifice, disgusting stuff, and sometimes their heads…"

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" shouted Goku jumping up and down furiously, "next time you do any torturing Cell can take the minutes!"

"Okay," said Freeza smugly, "I just hope he hasn't inherited your weak stomach." They opened the back door of the garage (that was also the police station) and wondered inside. There Cooler was busy drilling several of the Cell Jrs to use the Cannon. Goku did his best to ignore the hole in the wall in front of said drill; if he did it would probably go away. Freeza was busy scanning the Cell Jrs, eventually he got bored of looking at their badges and called out,

"Is C in?" he demanded. The Cell Jr called C presented himself proudly. "Oh good, now C, remember that soup you made us the other day which we all said that we liked?"

"Gaakk" said C proudly.

"Well we were just being nice," said Freeza, "it actually tasted awful, in fact it's the only time I've ever seen Goku refuse seconds and I've left more appetising things in the toilet."

"Gaaaarrkk" moaned C, somewhat crushed.

"Oh it's not that bad," said Freeza, "because I want you to make some up for the prisoner we have down there, just to prepare him for what's coming his way tomorrow okay?"

"Gakk" said C a bit happier. He raced over to the stove and got to work.

"I hate to break this to you Freeza," said Goku "but I don't think Android 19 eats."

"He doesn't need to," laughed Freeza, "the smell should be enough."

"Very well," said Goku, "but I'm not cleaning the stove. Talking about stoves; where is Cell?"

"Umm," replied Freeza still a little confused about the connection, "I don't know, have you seen him Cooler?"

"Oh yes he went out," said Cooler, "he left a note, but I don't think it's anything to worry about."

"I'm suspicious," said Goku immediately, anything Cooler wasn't worried about was usually a cause for panic. Goku picked up the note, it read as follows;

_Dear Goku_

_I am leaving this note so that you will not worry about me, I haven't bother with one for Freeza because I knew that he wouldn't give a damn. Earlier today it became clear that I hadn't lived up to the standards of my creator and am thus a useless failure that doesn't deserver to exist. I would like to thank you for being good friends these past few years, but as you haven't been anything of the sort I can't. Anyway if you want to collect my body it will be hanging from the Burning Gate Bridge. Farewell, from your Killer_

_Cell_

_P.S. If you ever see Gohan again punch him for me._

_P.P.S. Please burn all my stuff; I don't want Freeza to get his grubby mitts on it!_

"OH NO!" exclaimed Goku, "Cell's going to commit suicide! This is terrible."

"Yeah," agreed Freeza grabbing Cooler round the neck, "How could you not tell us about this! He's probably half way to the next dimension by now and I didn't get to see it! You know how much I like to watch melodramatic deaths!"

"Oh just read some Fan-fiction," snapped Cooler, "there's hundreds of them out there. Now if you excuse me I have a parrot to feed."

"Never mind about the parrot!" snapped Goku, "We have to stop Cell before he hurts some innocent people."

"I thought we were going to stop him from killing himself," pointed out Freeza.

"Oh, sorry force of habit," said Goku, "Anyway we have to hurry, to The Nissan Sunnymobile!" There was a stony silence.

"We really need a snappier name for it." muttered Freeza.

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The Nissan screeched to a halt half-way across the Burning Gate Bridge, causing a minor pile up among the following traffic. Goku and Freeza leapt out of the car and had a look around.

"Over there!" declared Goku suddenly spotting a rope tied to the edge of the bridge. Goku sprinted across the bridge, ignoring the horns and break squealing this caused, to the point where the rope was attached and looked over the edge. There hanging from a noose was the limp body of Cell. "OH NO!" cried Goku, "We're too late." He turned round to see Freeza stagger onto the pavement. The Icejin was covered in tyre marks and looked decidedly pissed off.

"This better be worth it," he snapped, "I didn't get run over three times crossing this road for nothing!"

"Sorry," said Goku sadly, "there's nothing we can do; he's gone!"

"What!" growled Freeza leaning over the edge, "You're kidding me, we drove all this way too. Oi Cell!" he screamed angrily, "You better be suffering down there you cockroach cause any faster death is too good for you!"

"You two took your time!" grumbled Cell, "I knew I shouldn't have left the note with Cooler!"

"You're alive!" exclaimed Goku.

"It takes more then hanging to kill a dead person," pointed out Cell.

"I knew that," said Goku, "I just didn't want to tempt fate!"

"Good," said Cell, "them you should know that the drop into the boiling sulphur river of fire below this bridge should be more then enough to kill me. So long cruel Hell." Cell fired a Ki blast that cut the rope. However Goku grabbed the rope before he could fall.

"Don't be such a baby!" he snapped, "Suicide is the coward's way out!"

"Not to mention selfish," added Freeza, "think about your kids, A,B,C,D,E,F,G…oh you get the picture. You can't leave them behind; I don't want to have to look after the little brats!"

"Sorry," said Cell firmly, "my mind is made up… but if you were to say some nice things about me I might reconsider."

"I knew it," sighed Goku, "right, err nice things about Cell, nice things about Cell… any thoughts Freeza?"

"Hey Cell you're not that bad," began Freeza, "You're not a Monkey like Goku!"

"Hey!" snapped Goku.

"Sorry," said Freeza, "but we've already discussed this, I don't do nice. Anyway you're supposed to be the pure good hero."

"Fine," said Goku, he turned back to Cell, who was still hanging from his rope. "Listen Cell, I don't care what Dr Giro says, you're the evilest Android ever."

"Really?" asked Cell, "Why, what was evil about me?"

"Well," said Goku, stretching the "well" to give himself time to think, "You were really cunning and sneaky and devious…."

"That's just three different ways of saying the same thing!" cried Cell, "Dr Giro was right, I am worthless. He was right to replace me."

"Android 25 is no replacement!" declared Goku, "he's just another dull old mindless killing machine; he doesn't have character like you!"

"Go on…" said Cell.

"You were so sadistic and evil," Goku carried on, "you always had us worried, more than any of the other Androids. They wouldn't know evil and sadistic if it snuck up on them and absorbed them with its tail!"

"I think 17 and 18 deserve a little more credit," muttered Freeza, but no one heard him.

"You're right Goku!" declared Cell, flying up and landing on the bridge, "I was great! I was more successful and more stylish then any of Dr Giro's other creations. Well if that old fool can't see that then he doesn't deserve me! I'm too good for him! He was a crap parent anyway!"

"That's the sprit!" declared Goku, "Cell we'll make a happy balanced person out of you yet!"

"Yeah but next time you want some attention," said Freeza, "can you attempted suicide somewhere nearer to home, cause this was a real hassle."

"You know," said Cell, "I don't think I will try to do it again. Suicide is cowardly and selfish, people should find better ways to deal with their problems. Besides all that hanging really hurt my neck!"

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Cell, Goku and Freeza arrived home late. All the Cell Jrs had retired to their straw mats in the basement and Cooler was hanging from the rafters, fast asleep. Well he was hanging from the rafters fast asleep until Goku bumped his head on him, knocking the Icejin down.

"Oh no!" cried Cooler leaping to his feet, "we've been boarded! Battle stations everyone!"

"It's just us Cooler," sighed Goku rubbing his head.

"You're the boarders!" exclaimed Cooler, "Oh no boarders from my own ship! That makes them mutineers! I must flee for my life! Wait until I tell the governor about this, he'll have you all hanged" Cooler turned to run. Suddenly he stopped. "Oh Goku before you go Dr Giro called, he left some messages."

"Okay," said Goku a little confused, "let's hear them." Cooler beamed and plugged his tail into the phone. He then began to speak in a funny voice before switching to an incredible Dr Giro impression.

"MESSAGE 1; Hello Goku this is Dr Giro, I was intending to threaten, slash, challenge you but it appears that you're out. Can you call me back when you get this; my number is 0458- BEEP! ... MESSAGE 2; Sorry it's me again your machine cut me off before I finished anyway my number is 0458- BEEP!"

"Couldn't we have got a real machine," moaned Goku, "One which works?"

"Trust me," said Freeza, "This is better. We used to have a real machine."

"And could it record a whole message?" asked Goku angrily.

"We never found out," said Freeza, "every button we pressed on it deleted all messages!"

"Oh," said Goku thoughtfully, "Okay then carry on Cooler."

"MESSAGE 3; Me again, I'm sorry to bother you, but your blasted machine won't take a number, so I'll just leave my threat as a message. I have kidnapped all those annoying informers that live on your street! You might have noticed that they were missing as you drove home! I will let them go if you return to me my Android 19!"

"NEVER!" declared Goku angrily

"He can't hear you," pointed out Cell.

"However there is another way," continued Giro's message, "if Cell can defeat my Android 25 in a fight at the underground fighting ring Saturday night, I will let them go. But if Android 25 wins, you'll give me 19 back. I assume we have a deal. Good luck Goku, Ha ha h-BEEP …. MESSAGE 4; Ha ha ha ha ha harh!" BEEP END OF MESSAGES." Cooler sat back down.

"All right Giro," declared Goku, "No one challenges Goku and gets away with it! I accept your challenge!"

"You accept the challenge?" snapped Cell clearly panicking "You're not the one who has to fight that freak 25!"

"But we can't just leave the people on our street to suffer!" snapped Goku, "We must save them! We must be good neighbours."

"If those people had been good neighbours in their first life they wouldn't be in Hell!" pointed out Cell, "why should I get my arse whipped in a futile attempt to help them?"

"Besides," said Freeza, "I never like those neighbours, let's get some new ones, lots of people get sent to Hell every day it won't take long."

"But what if they are worse neighbours then the last bunch," pointed out Goku sneakily, "you could get a street full of Pastys!"

"What!" exclaimed Freeza, "I can't cope with one! Cell you have to win this fight!"

"I can't," protested Cell, "he's too strong."

"Oh come on!" snapped Goku, "People said I couldn't beat Freeza, people also said that Gohan couldn't beat Cell! But they were wrong!"

"This better be going somewhere," said Cell threateningly.

"The point is that I was right and everyone else was wrong!" declared Goku, "and I say that you can beat Android 25!"

"But how?" exclaimed Cell.

"We have five days to prepare!" declared Goku, "so I'm going to train you!" Freeza sighed.

"This can only end well," he said, with more then the slightest hint of sarcasm.

**To Be Continued…**

In three weeks cause I'm going on holiday!


	7. Cell meets his maker Part 2

Hi 'm back. I took longer then I said it would to update, I had a very large problem with my internet connection. I have responded to the longest break between updates I've ever had with the longest chapter I've ever written so that should make up for it. Thanks Makota, Happyface101 and densetsu nosupersaiyajin for contributing ideas to this story and Makota again for beta reading this.

* * *

Cell Meets his Maker: Part 2

Freeza, the mightiest being in the universe, landed calmly on the edge of the cliff. Moments later a Saiyan landed on the cliff at the opposite side of the gorge. Freeza studied him coolly. The Saiyan had put up a good fight; Freeza sported a few bruises to testify for that. However the Saiyan was in a much worse condition, he was bleeding, battered and exhausted. Freeza decided enough was enough, there was no more fun to be had fighting this creature. He could kill him of course, but Freeza had suffered heavy losses at Namek, losses he really needed to replace. It was time to strike a deal.

"You've done very well for yourself Monkey," said Freeza in a congratulatory tone, "You are indeed a mighty warrior, sadly not mighty enough!"

"It sure seems that way at the moment Freeza," agreed the Saiyan call Goku, "but I've been in a situation like this many times before, and I've always found a way to survive."

"I've got one for you now," said Freeza generously, "You can join me as my new second in command, I need someone to replace Zarbon and you seem to have all the necessary credentials. In return I can give you anything you could possible want: money, power, women…men, whatever, the whole universe would be a mere plaything to you. What do you say?"

"Sorry Freeza," said Goku, "I have everything I want on Earth. Well everything except the opportunity to work for such a great guy like you!"

"Really," said Freeza swelling with pride, "so you accept?"

"Of course," said Goku cheerfully, "who could refuse an offer from the great Lord Freeza? It would be such an honour to work for you that you needn't bother paying me, I'll gladly work for free!"

"Excellent," said Freeza, "soon the universe will be mine!" Just then a loud screech rocketed through the air! Freeza turned round to see where it was coming from. It turned out it was emanating from Goku. "What are you doing!" demanded Freeza.

"I'm blowing the whistle of happiness," declared Goku, "Listen, PEEEEP PEEEP PEEEEP PEE-"

* * *

"Will you stop that!" screamed Freeza suddenly sitting up in bed. He swung round to see Goku standing next to his bed with a whistle in his mouth. "You bastard!" screamed the Icejin "You woke me up and I was having the most wonderful dream too! I was alive, I was going to rule the universe and I was going to stab you in the back while you slept! But then you had to barge in here with that whistle thing and ruin everything! I hate you!"

"Gee I'm sorry Freeza," said Goku, "I thought you were Cell. I needed to wake him up for early morning training you see."

"Well he's sleeping over there!" snapped Freeza.

"Thanks I'll go wake him up then," said Goku. Freeza grunted and rolled over to go back to sleep and was about to drop off when Goku spoke to him again. "You know you're welcome to join us!" he offered "Four-thirty is the best time to train in my opinion!"

"Four-thirty!" screamed Freeza, "what kind of monster are you!"

"Is that a 'no' then?" asked Goku. Thanks to his quick reflexes Goku was able to dodge the alarm clock that flew at his head. "Fine, I can take a hint," muttered Goku. He wandered over to Cell's bed and prodded the evil android on the shoulder. "Cell time to get up," he said as though talking to his son.

"Sod off!" said Cell firmly. Had Gohan said such a thing to him Goku would have given him a clip around the ears, (or more likely would have let Chi-Chi do it, he had never been good of the discipline front). Cell didn't really have ears but this didn't matter as Goku had a much better idea. He took a deep breath, lent down so that his head was right next to Cell's ear hole and blew into the whistle as hard as he could!

The deafening screech could have been heard in haven. Cell literally hit the ceiling. Goku laughed. His joy was, however, short lived. The impact of Cell hitting the ceiling had dislodged Cooler from his perch on the rafters, causing him to fall on top of Goku.

"What the!" exclaimed Cooler sitting up, "Oh no I'm awake! Now dream world and all its fairies are doomed!"

"I reckon it was that pillow's fault," suggested Freeza sneakily, "it needs a fluff."

"Good thought!" said Cooler, turning over and picking up Goku.

"No wait!" shouted Goku, but it was too late. As the Saiyan screamed and begged for mercy Freeza rolled over to go back to sleep, happy in the knowledge that justice had been done.

* * *

A few minutes later Cell, Goku and Cooler stood in the courtyard outside the police station (well actually it was the drive in front of the converted garage but that doesn't sound nearly as impressive).

"Right," said Goku determinedly, "we have only five days till your fight with Android 25 and you need to get a lot stronger so we're going to have to train really hard."

"Right," yawned Cell, "Let me know how it goes," turning round to go to bed.

"Cooler, stop him," ordered Goku.

"Sorry," said Cooler, shaking his head, "I don't take orders from a pillow, especially one that's so uncomfortable." Goku sighed and grabbed Cell's shoulder himself.

"Let go of my shoulder Goku," said Cell, who had clearly got out on the wrong side of bed, "or else I'll make sure you can never blow that whistle again."

"Good idea Cell," declared Goku, "a spar would be a great way to start training."

"Oh come on Goku," protested Cell, "there's no way I can get strong enough to beat that psycho android in just five days. I'd be much better off spending the time acquiring the false papers I need to get out of Hell before Dr. Giro finds me."

"But no one's ever escaped from Hell with false papers," pointed out Goku.

"Or they've never noticed anyone who has," countered Cell.

"Very well," said Goku reluctantly, "we'll do it your way, all the people on our street will be vaporised and Cell will never get to find out how we manage to get strong enough to beat him in the Cell games. Oh well." Goku turned round, as if to walk away, but he didn't take any steps.

"You'd train me the same way you and Gohan trained for the Cell games?" asked Cell snapping at the bait.

"Well not exactly the same way," admitted Goku, "that would require a hyperbolic time chamber- oops said to much," he said looking around, "you never know who might be listening."

"How do you spell 'hyperbolic'?" asked Cooler, who was making notes.

"However," continued Goku ignoring Cooler, "I can give you all the training I had before then and if that turned me from a low-class Saiyan Warrior into the most powerful fighter in universe just think what it could do for you!" Cell thought for a moment.

"Very well Goku," he said, "I'll do it. I'd be fascinated to know what made you so strong."

"Excellent," said Goku, "Cooler here's a list of things I need which they didn't have at the gym. Can you get them for me?"

"Sorry Mr. Pillow," said Cooler, "I don't talk to or take orders from Pillows, only a madman would do that."

"Yes," said Goku thinking as fast as he could "but this note is signed by your Chief, Goku, so you have to do it."

"Well if you're his official messenger pillow I can do it," said Cooler and he hurried off to get Goku's stuff.

"Okay, that's that sorted," said Goku, "right let's get to work.

* * *

"You never did this to train, surely!" exclaimed Cell, a few minutes later.

"Sure I did," said Goku, "it was the first bit of training I ever did with master Roshi."

"Huh," grumbled Cell, "I knew he was a little strange, but delivering milk!"

"It improves your strength, balance and composure," interrupted Goku, "all of which are very useful in battle. Now hurry up, we can't be late." Of course being a lot stronger than Goku had been when he started training, Cell was required to carry a lot more milk. An entire Milk float in fact.

Cell sighed and tried to up his pace a bit. This merely caused the Milk bottles to rattle even more in their crates; it certainly did nothing to appease the long line of cars behind him; the honking was beginning to get on Cell's nerves. Suddenly a van pulled out of the queue and raced past him. He turned back into the lane so aggressively that he almost pushed Cell off the road. As the Android tried to avoid dropping the float Goku decided to lean out of the unhelpful side window.

"Come on Cell," he said, "you have to be better than that. This stuff will be cheese if you keep shaking us like that."

"Butter!" corrected Cell, "it will be butter."

"Tomato, potato," said Goku dismissively, "the point is you have to do better."

"But it's hard!" complained Cell.

"Of course it's hard," said Goku, "if you only trained by doing things you could already do then you wouldn't improve! Didn't you know that?"

"Of course not!" snapped Cell, "I inherited all my skills via my cells. I've never trained a day in my life!" he slipped a bit, "Bugger, this thing's heavy; what's it made out of?"

"Lead," said Goku proudly, "the whole frame is made out of lead, with lead controls of course, and lead creates, lead windows, lead seats, lead tyres- filled with lead of course, Lead milk bottles-"

"Doesn't lead poison any liquid it comes in contact with?" asked Cell.

"Yes," admitted Goku, "but it breaks less than glass."

"Okay," muttered Cell. "Hang on, how did you persuade the Milk company to make this lead Milk float for you?"

"Huh?" exclaimed Goku, slightly confused.

"Well surely they don't make their normal floats out of lead…" he trail off as he noticed another lead milk float, trundling along on the other side of the road going even slower then they were. Its electric motor was making an awful whine.

"Gee those motors aren't very efficient," commented Goku, "lead can't be a very good material for them."

"No kidding," mumbled Cell. Just then a siren appeared in Cell's ear. "What's coming?" he asked Goku.

"I don't know," said Goku, "the glass in the wing mirror is made of lead!"

"ENOUGH WITH THE LEAD JOKES," screamed Cell. The vehicle quickly revealed itself to be a Nissan Sunny. It pulled in front of Cell and forced him to stop. Freeza and one of the Cell Jrs got out shortly afterwards. Cell prided himself on being able to recognise all his kids, and had branded their names on their chests just to make sure he could never forget. This one just so happened to be F.

"Ello, ello, ello," said Freeza in an accent that was insulting to all British cops, "what's going on here then?"

"We're just training," said Goku proudly, although Cell would have debated the "we", "nice of you to come watch Freeza."

"I'm not here to watch," said Freeza evilly, "I'm here to deal with this tail back. I'm afraid I'm going to have to book you for walking on the road Cell. It's for your own good, it's very dangerous."

"This is a public road!" snapped Cell, "you can't book me for that!" Freeza paused a flicked through the Pocket Book of HIFL Laws, a book that would only fit in a giant's pockets. He closed it again quickly looking a little bit peeved.

"Well I can book you for having no road tax at least!" he snapped.

"Gakk!" complained F. Freeza hit him with the book.

"Don't point that out you fool," he snapped, "do you want this commission or not!"

"He's right though," said Goku, "you can't claim he's a road vehicle if you just said he was a pedestrian."

"You can't book me Freeza," snapped Cell, "now get out the way, I have milk to deliver!"

"Fine," groaned Freeza, "but you know you two are no-"

"Gaaarrrk" said F urgently, tapping Freeza's shoulder a pointing to a sign.

"Wow," said Freeza quickly, "good work F. Tut tut Cell, loitering in a no-loitering zone." He finished shaking his head."

"But you stopped me here!" exclaimed Cell.

"It's too late for excuses," said Freeza, " clamp him F," as the Cell Jr obediently responded, Freeza walked over and put a ticket on Cell's face. "You have ten days to pay," he announced proudly and turned to leave.

"Hey!" cried Cell furiously, "come back here and take this clamp off me! You better do it F or you're grounded! Right that's it!" he bellowed as the Nissan raced away, "just wait till I get home!" Goku's mood was much cheerier however.

"This is great," he said, "it's even harder now. Carry on Cell!"

* * *

A few hours later found Goku sitting on a deck chair at a beach. He had found that setting people challenges to train them while great for the trainee, was very dull for the trainer. Thus he had taken a leaf out of Master Roshi's book and brought a magazine. So far he didn't quite understand what his master saw in them. Goku couldn't bring himself to laugh or blush like Roshi did, it fact he could barely read anything without nodding off. The fact that he had brought Golf World was probably the reason for this. Suddenly a crash nearby disturbed Goku from his reading. He turned round to see a large hole in the sand next to him, in it was Cell.

"I've climbed to the top of that bloody lighthouse," groaned Cell.

"Excellent," said Goku, "it took you a while though; I made it up Korin's tower on my first try."

"To be fair," said Cell angrily, "Korin's tower wasn't greased all the way up and you weren't tied to several bungee cords or carrying a lead Milk Float!"

"Well I had to make it hard some how!" protested Goku, "it wasn't nearly as high as Korin's tower anyway. Never mind, the important thing is you made it, and without getting a ticket this time."

"Whoopteedo," said Cell, without much enthusiasm, "What crazy training thing do you want me to do now?"

"Well we're just waiting for Cooler to return with the stu-" began Goku, but he was interrupted by a wave of sand flying over him. The person responsible for this was Cooler who screeched to a halt inches for Cell and Goku.

"Got it!" he said proudly. Goku looked confused.

"Err, Cooler," he said, "you don't have anything on you."

"It's all in my hat", said Cooler handing Goku a sweaty baseball cap. Goku looked inside.

"Cooler there's nothing in here except an awful smell," he said.

"Oh so there's nothing in my hat," announced Cooler in a magicians voice, "but if I reach inside you will find… some hair stuck to the top." There was an awkward pause.

"Okay," said Goku carefully, "wait a second, you don't have any hair… that's my hat!"

"Oops," said Cooler handing it back to Goku, "Sorry."

"Don't worry about-" began Goku, but he was interrupted by a Monkey and a suit of armour falling out of the hat the moment he tried to put it on.

"Tadaa!" declared Cooler proudly. Cell stared at the stuff on top of Goku.

"What's your brother for?" he asked.

"A monkey joke?" exclaimed Goku, getting up, "isn't that beneath you Cell?"

"Well Freeza wasn't here so I thought I'd fill in," explained the Android, "seriously what's the monkey for?"

"You are going to catch it," declared Goku, "but as that would be too easy you're going to be wearing this rusty suit of armour while you do it."

"That suit of armour's not rusty!" pointed out Cell. Goku threw the armour into the sea.

"Who knew looking at Gohan's homework would be useful one day," he said, "looks like Chi-Chi was right. You better go fish that out Cell, the longer it's in the water the rustier it will get." Cell sighed heavily.

"This is the last time I let you train me for an illegal street fight!" he snapped.

"This stuff is for an illegal street fight!" exclaimed Cooler in horror.

"Yeah it is," said Goku," didn't we tell you?"

"OH NO!" cried Cooler, "all that stuff I got you is going to be part of an illegal activity. I would never have stolen it if I had known! Now I have to arrest me…. And you!" he said firmly.

"Wait a second Cooler," said Goku as the insane Icejin advanced towards him with a rope, (handcuffs were out side the HFILPD's budget at the moment), "We're only doing it to save some hostages, it's for a good cause, like a mother stealing a loaf of bread feed her starving children."

"Well if you have starving children that's okay then," aid Cooler happily putting the rope down.

"No that's not what I said," replied Goku quickly before he could stop himself.

"So you're not a mother with starving children!" exclaimed Cooler angrily, "then I'm going to have to arrest you." He leapt at Goku. The Saiyan thought fast and shoved an admiral's hat onto Cooler's head. The Icejin froze for a moment before going into character.

"Admiral Cooler reporting for duty sir!" he declared.

"Phew," said Goku mopping his brow, "right then Admiral I have a long and dangerous voyage for you, but its success is vital for the war effort, understand?"

"Yes sir!" declared Cooler.

"Here are your top secret orders," said Goku scribbling something on a piece of paper, "Good luck."

"I'll summon a press gang to gather the finest crew available at once," declared Cooler before marching off. Goku smiled and sat down in his deck chair. A few minutes later Cell returned with a very rusty suit of armour.

"I've got it," he said, "now where's the monkey?"

"Oh it must of run off," said Goku, "Oh well finding it will be another useful challenge, off you go." Cell glared at Goku and then at the suit of armour. "What are you looking for?" asked Goku.

"The sword that goes with it!" replied Cell threateningly.

* * *

Goku sat on a bench in the park. In front of him the armoured Cell was trying to get the monkey out of a tree. Shaking the tree as hard as he could wasn't a very subtle way to do it, but since Cell wasn't allowed to fly or use Ki blasts it was the only other way to do it quickly. In theory anyway as the monkey was determined to hang on. Eventually, it fell out and ran off, unfortunately Cell was so engrossed in shaking the tree that it was a full minute till he noticed. When he did it didn't take him long to charge off after the monkey again.

"I see Cell's being beaten by another one of your sons," said Freeza smugly. Goku swung around.

"Hey Freeza," he said cheerfully "I didn't see you there. Sorry to disappoint you but Cell's already done the "I'm related to the Monkey" joke."

"Darn," said Freeza angrily, "he better not be trying to steal my lines! Monkey jokes are the only funny things I get to say in this these stories where I'm not the butt of the joke!"

"Define 'funny'" said Goku bluntly.

"How's he doing anyway?" asked Freeza, ignoring the last jab.

"Well he's making progress, but not fast enough really," said Goku, "You know I have a feeling that he's not going to be able win this, we just don't have enough time!"

"Well," said Freeza, "I know that winning fights isn't really my forte, but I do have one suggestion, although it might go against your ludicrously high morals." Goku thought for a moment.

"This isn't going to involve killing innocent people is it?" he asked nervously.

"No," said Freeza as though correcting an idiot, "and it might just save a few."

"Just tell me what it is," said Goku.

"It's very simple really," said Freeza, "we cheat!"

"Absolutely not!" snapped Goku, "We are not cheating! True warriors don't need to cheat to win a fight. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you would suggest something like that."

"Oh come on Goku!" snapped Freeza, "get off your high Banana tree branch for once and pay attention. Cell can't beat Android 25, we both know that. And if he doesn't we lose the hostages, and we can't do that cause I've seen the scum that are looking at the empty houses and thinking about moving in! They're all so poor, dirty and ugly we can't live near people like that, we have to get the old street back!"

"We're going to," declared Goku, "Cell can do it, I believe in him. Besides think what having to cheat would do to his self-confidence?"

"Think what getting beaten to a pulp would to his self-confidence!" retorted Freeza. "He wouldn't have to know anyway."

"He wouldn't need to cheat at all," said Goku triumphantly pointing into the distance, "he's caught the monkey, maybe he can do it after all."

"That wasn't so hard," said Cell returning to the bench with the Monkey scrabbling in his hands. "Huh," he laughed "the aggressive little fella's trying to hurt me. Nice try," he continued confidently, "but there's too much iron in between me and you!"

"Well done Cell," said Goku, "Now let's move one to-"

"OW!" interrupted Cell suddenly.

"What's wrong," asked Goku.

"It bit me through the armour," replied Cell, "-ARRGGGH, now it's scratching me!-OWWWW AGGGGHHHH – this rusty armour is useless! AGGHHHH OWWWW AGGGHHHHH it's gouging my eyes! AGGGHHHH stop it! HELPPPPP! GET IT OFF ME AGGGGGHHHHH!"

Freeza and Goku watched the disaster in front of them unfold. Eventually Goku turned to Freeza.

"What exactly did you have in mind?" he asked.

* * *

Sometimes Goku wondered why he had let King Kai talk him into taking the job as Captain of the HIFLPD. Sure it involved lots of challenges that where great for his training (or so he told himself) and true it kept Cell and Freeza out of trouble, well some of the time anyway. However the undeniable fact was that it was a hard thankless task that was taking over his afterlife. A time like this was a case in point. It was three in the morning. If he was with Pikkon or Olive in haven he would have spent the day training, had a huge roast meal, watched a movie or a fight and gone to sleep in a nice comfortable bed by now. However thanks to his job he had spent the afternoon trying to rescue Cell from a rabies-infected-monkey, spent six hours in a hospital waiting for a space in accident and emergency, ate a single squashed chocolate bar from a hospital vending machine for dinner, enjoyed a two-hour drive back to the police station (interrupted by having to change a tyre in the pouring rain), received twenty-six reports from the Cell Jr's which he had had to translate from "Gaakks" into a readable language and now he was sitting round a table with Freeza discussing ways to cheat in an illegal street fight. There was a plus side however; he was paid by the hour.

Freeza, on the other hand, was in a brilliant mood. Goku assumed this was because someone was listening to his suggestion for the first time since…. he had died, Goku presumed. For a moment the Saiyan wondered if he was the first person to ever listen to a suggestion of Freeza's voluntarily.

"Shame about Cell having to spend the night in hospital," said Freeza conversationally, possible another reason he was in such a good mood.

"Yes," agreed Goku, "the doctors wanted to make sure that he hadn't got infected, plus I think they want to study how he managed to regenerate the arm they amputated."

"Yes," smirked Freeza, "I thought it was rather amusing the way that a miscommunication resulted in them performing that amputation five times. That's hospitals for you." Goku nodded then thought for a moment.

"Wait a second," he said, "didn't I see you fiddling with that file the doctor put on the reception's desk?" Freeza looked innocent, which immediately tipped Goku off. "I knew I should have stopped you!"

"Well I knew you wouldn't," said Freeza, "because you were too scared to go anywhere near the reception's desk."

"I thought they might mistake me for a patient," said Goku nervously. "Anyway that's not important, what is important is your plan to cheat in this fight."

"Okay Goku," said Freeza, "but before we start I must tell you the first rule of cheating."

"Sure thing," said Goku, "go ahead."

"Never, ever, call it cheating!" snapped Freeza, "always call it a "strategy", or a "reinterpretation of the rules", Okay?"

"Fine," said Goku, "so what's our strategy?"

"I have several in fact," announced Freeza proudly picking up a large flip chart and putting it on the table. "Okay Plan A is to find a way to destroy the Android and make it look like a natural disaster."

"That sounds like a good idea," said Goku, "how are you going to do that?"

"Well," said Freeza, "during the fight, I'll throw a Death Ball into the ground, casing a volcanic eruption by the ring. The lava will spill over the side of the ring and engulf the Android destroying him!"

"Won't that blow up the whole of Hell?" asked Goku.

"It's only going to be a small one." said Freeza, "besides volcanic eruptions are quite slow in Hell because it's so cold. We'd have plenty of time to get the hostages and run, and Cell can regenerate any limbs he loses."

"Okay," said Goku, "we'll need to plan our escape. So how far do you think we'd need to go?"

"Oh a couple of miles should do it." said Freeza.

"A couple of miles!" exclaimed Goku, "that will destroy most of the city! King Yemma would kill me, or worse move me to the Snake Way litter collection department!"

"Very well then," said Freeza thoughtfully, "if you want the city to survive your not going to like the Thermo Nuclear bomb under the ring either. How about this one," he said flipping to the third page of the flip chart, "It's a similar idea except it uses a large quantity of Napalm to melt the Android. It will only destroy the building we're in at the time."

"And everybody in it." pointed out Goku.

"Actually no," said Freeza, "due to the increase toughness of people in Hell they would merely be horribly burned. Only the Android, because it's made of HIFL metal would melt."

"Merely horribly burned?" asked Goku, probingly.

"Yes," said Freeza proudly, before adding, "I intend to be in the toilet when it goes off myself."

"Do you have anything more precise?" asked Goku, "you know, one which only hurts the android?"

"Well there's always the surprise tomahawk missile in the back," suggested Freeza.

"Dr. Giro would notice us doing that," said Goku.

"I was intending to fire it from outside the building," said Freeza, "so we could pretend it was a military missile off course."

"It's a good plan," said Goku, "but do you think a military missile is really strong enough. 25 is really strong."

"Guess not," said Freeza, "How about we bribe him to make a dive. There must be something he wants, like girls, or motorbikes or…"

"I can't do that Freeza," said Goku, "bribing someone to lose a fight, that's just plain wrong."

"You were fine with the principle of blowing him up with a tomahawk missile!" exclaimed Freeza, "You know this is the only way to beat him and save the hostages, tell your conscience that!"

"Sorry Freeza," said Goku, "I can't have anything to do with this, it's not honourable. However if you were to interfere in a discrete way which didn't harm any of the hostages or the audience I could turn a blind eye." Freeza thought for a moment.

"I think I can manage that," he said.

* * *

Goku didn't see much of Freeza over the next four days. When he did the Icejin was always surrounded by hundreds of scunched up pieces of paper and always seemed far too busy to talk. Goku resisted the temptation to look at these sheets; his instincts told him that he wouldn't like what he saw. He did see a lot of Cell however. Once he had been released by the hospital staff Cell trained as hard as anyone could. Well he did when he wasn't complaining about Goku's training methods. Fortunately the fear of being crushed by Android 25 drove him on and when the four days were up arrived Cell had completed all the tasks Goku had set for him. Tonight was the night they found out whether it was enough.

"Well Cell," said Goku as they sat in the car, "I think we did everything we could. If you're not ready now, well you were never going to get ready in the time available."

"That's true," agreed Cell, "but I still think you could have made that sentence snappier."

"You mean by saying something like, if you're not ready now you'll never be?" asked Goku.

"Yes something like that," said Cell.

"Well I could say that but it wouldn't be strictly true," said Goku, "I've found that with enough training you can beat anyone. I mean even if you lose this fight you could get strong enough to win in the future."

"Not if the Android blasts me out of existence!" exclaimed Cell "and I've got a nasty feeling that's what's going to happen."

"Now that's not the right attitude," snapped Goku, "Gee you villains are impossible, one minute you can't possibly conceive defeat and the next your convinced your going to lose! No wonder the good guys always win."

"Hey," snapped Cell, "I'm not a hero like you! I never asked to risk my existence for anyone else!"

"Don't worry about being obliterated Cell," said Goku. "If you really want me to I'll throw in the towel before it gets that far."

"Thank you," muttered Cell grudgingly.

"And who knows," continued Goku, "perhaps Gohan will do something really bad and die soon. Then he'll be in Hell to defeat Android 25 for you, because we all know how much stronger he is than…."

"Give me that towel!" snapped Cell. Goku handed it over and smiled as Cell threw it out of the window. "I'm not going to need it," declared Cell confidently, "I am stronger than Gohan after all."

"Of course you are," lied Goku. Just then there was a slapping sound and a cry of "OW!" from outside the car. Cell and Goku looked out of the window to see Freeza sitting on the floor with a towel in his face.

"Where have you been?" demanded Cell, "its bad enough waiting for this fight without having to wait for you to drive me there."

"I'm sorry!" replied Freeza in a tone that suggested that he wasn't really, "but I was busy sorting something rather important out. I was almost ready when I was assaulted by this towel."

"I don't care if you were physically assaulted by the President of the USA!" snapped Cell, "Stop wasting time and get in the car!"

"Fine," muttered Freeza, "just let me put something in the boot." There was a noticeable shift in the car as Freeza put whatever he had in the back of the Car.

"What was that?" asked Goku. He was a little worried that Freeza hadn't been able to come up with anything good and had settled with trying to crush Android 25 with a wrecking ball!

"Just some snack food," replied Freeza mysteriously as he got into the drivers seat. "Are we ready to go?" Goku looked at Cell who nodded.

"Its crunch time!" said the Android determinedly.

"It certainly is," agreed Freeza, "this clutch needs replacing again, it's grinding the gears really badly. It's probably because someone likes to do racing starts!" he finished glaring at Goku.

"Sorry," he said, "but we've tried confiscating Cooler's keys before, but he seems to have infinite sets."

"I was talking about you," said Freeza, glaring even harder.

"Those aren't racing starts!" snapped Goku, "You just drive like an old woman!"

"I do not!" snapped Freeza and instantly proved this point by crunching the gears much worse then an old woman ever would.

With the exception of the occasional crunching of gears the journey to the fight was very quiet. Cell was trying to reassure himself, Goku was trying to come up with some last minute advice and Freeza was busy fighting with the gear box. Eventually they reached the entrance to the underground fighting ring. This was something of a surprise.

"Well I didn't expect that," admitted Goku looking at the entrance.

"Well I suppose it is underground," pointed out Freeza, "but it isn't particularly secret, I mean look at the crowd outside."

"I don't think it's the crowd that gives it away," said Cell, "I think it's more likely to be big neon sigh above the entrance."

"Oh yeah," said Freeza, leaning out of the window to get a better view, "Oooh there's parking round the corner. Let's go."

Freeza drove round the corner and into a large multi-storey car park, which a sign proudly proclaimed had a direct link to the illegal underground fighting ring. A Red-Ribbon army guard was at the gate. He waved in most of the cars in front of them but stopped when he saw the police car.

"Oh no!" he said as Freeza wound down the window, "You,'re not here about the sign are you? Because it's just a practical joke. I don't know anything about an underground fighting ring really."

"Don't play dumb," snapped Freeza, "even though it's clear you don't need to play very hard. Cell here is part of the main event; he's on the poster behind you."

"Oh yes so he is!" declared the guard, "we have a special parking place for the dead meat like you, please come this way." The guard led them to a parking space right by the stage entrance. "Here you go," he said. Freeza parked the car and the three police officers got out. "Only one of you is competing right?" asked the guard.

"Yes," said Cell as boldly as he could manage, "just me."

"Oh good I won't need to call your next of kin to get the car!" said the guard cheerfully. "Your friends can take it home once you've been destroyed."

"Yes we can-" began Goku before he realised something, "hang on! We're all going to come back, Cell's going to win this fight!"

"Of course he is," said the guard pleasantly, "they all say that before hand. Well then, off you go." They wandered through the stage door towards the changing rooms for the fight. The corridor was full of people in bizarre costumes all stretching and preparing for their fights. Goku and Cell, who were feeling quieter than usual, slipped through the crowd. Freeza, whose life was not about to be put on the line, pushed his way through the crowd, smiling with satisfaction as the hopeful fighters flew out the way. That was until he pushed someone who didn't move. Freeza looked up to see that it was Dr. Giro.

"Arr," he said menacingly "I see you've met the warm up acts." Freeza jumped and raced backwards until he had put Goku between himself and the doctor.

"What do you want?" he asked from this position of safety.

"Well I just came to wish you all good luck," said Dr. Giro, almost warmly.

"Well isn't that nice," said Goku, "looks like the nice simple competitive marshal arts tournament still exists after all. Good luck to you too Dr. Giro!"

"Hey don't wish him good luck!" burst out Cell, "He doesn't need it. Whose side are you on anyway?"

"As much as I hate to agree with a failed device," said Dr. Giro, "it is right, Super 25 will not need any luck to beat Cell."

"Super 25?" exclaimed Goku, "I thought he was fighting Android 25."

"Well he was," admitted Dr Giro, "but I've given 25 a major upgrade since then, I'm just finishing it now. It appears that it has doubled his fighting power. As you should know Goku – "Super Saiyan" and "Super Perfect" Cell, after such an increase in power the same name is hardly sufficient."

"Humph, I never changed my name after my transformations," muttered Freeza but everyone ignored him.

"Well I'm sure that everyone is looking forward to a good fight," said Dr Giro smugly. "By the way I'll be free to pick up Android 19 tomorrow at midday. Good luck then." Freeza and Goku were both well prepared for what happened next. Their firm grip quickly halted Cell's escape attempt.

"I've changed my mind," said Cell quickly as he was dragged towards the changing room, "I don't want to prove myself after all, I'm perfectly happy being inferior. That perfection stuff was all a load of crap anyway."

"You must have gotten Krillin's cowardice cells," said Freeza, "what about the hostages, you have to rescue them! I don't want any new neighbours being friendly and asking if they can borrow things "just until their stuff arrives!" lousy cheapskates, get your own screwdrivers!"

"Actually Freeza I didn't get any of Krillin's cells," said Cell grabbing on to the doorframe of his changing room, "so this cowardice must be from your cells!"

"Great tactic," said Freeza sarcastically as he tried to peel Cell's fingers off the frame, "now I'm definitely going to help you get out of this!"

"Come on Cell," said Goku as he tried to pull Cell into the changing room, "this is even more cowardly then Freeza. Freeza's cowardice always had a tactic to win involved with it."

"Thank you," said Freeza taking it as a compliment.

"This is more Hercule cowardly!" continued Goku.

"That sounds like a great kind of cowardice," declared Cell, "I'll get Gohan to win the fight and take all the credit."

"Come on Cell!" said Freeza desperately because he was getting tired of pulling, "I really think you can win this thing."

"Really," asked Cell suddenly.

"Of course he does," said Goku before Freeza could retract the possibly "nice" statement, "and it's not very often Freeza encourages someone to do something! Remember Cell we know what we're capable of and since you have our cells we know what you're capable of too! We believe that you can do this!"

"Really?" asked Cell tearfully.

"YES!" screamed Freeza, "NOW LET-" he began, but he was interrupted by Cell letting go of the doorframe. The direct result of this was to catapulted them across the room and into a heap against the far wall.

"Thank you guys," said Cell happily apparently unhurt by the collision, "this is the first time anyone other then me has believed in me! I promise I won't let you down!"

"That's the spirit" said Goku getting up, "you can do it. Me and Freeza will leave you to get ready." The two of them walked out of the changing room. "You know," said Goku when they were outside, "I didn't think that appealing to his emotions would work."

"Well he has your cells Goku," pointed out Freeza, "he was bound to be a softy at heart! That "I believe in you" stuff was genius though!"

"I know," said Goku proudly, he paused for a second to look around. When he was sure that the coast was clear he turned to Freeza, "is your…err…strategy ready, because you know that he'll be destroyed out there without it. He doesn't stand a chance!"

"Oh yes," said Freeza sneakily "it's ready or it will be. Could you excuse me for a moment; I need the loo." And with that Freeza set off in the opposite direction to the toilets.

* * *

A guard stood outside Super 25's changing room; he glared at any one who came past suspiciously. The loaded machine gun in his hand tended to keep people well away. Presently Dr. Giro emerged from the room.

"Is he ready sir?" asked the guard.

"Not quiet," said Dr. Giro, "but he will be! I just need one more part from my work shop. While I'm away you must guard this place with your life!"

"But sir I'm already dead!" exclaimed the guard.

"Well if you don't want to be any worse off you will guard this door, understand?"

"Yes sir!" said the guard quickly. Dr. Giro seemed satisfied by this and left. A few moments later there was a rustling in a bin next to the door. The guard ignored it at first but it kept happening. Eventually he decided to investigate.

"Alright mate," he said approaching the bin gun raised, "show yourself." There was no sound. Rather then doing the sensible thing and shooting the bin the guard made the classic horror movie mistake; he lowered his gun and looked inside the bin. A monkey immediately leapt out of it, grabbing the guards face and scratching as hard as he could. It was at least five minutes before it could be persuaded to go let go. Once it had, a few gun shots encouraged it to flee. The guard lowered his gun and relaxed for a minute. Then a horrible thought struck him. He leapt to his feat and raced into the changing room.

Super 25 lay on a table deactivated and alone. A quick inspection revealed that there was no obvious damage. Clearly no one had broken in.

With this comforting thought in mind the guard decided not to tell Dr. Giro about the monkey attack. There was no need, besides what Dr. Giro didn't know couldn't hurt him!

* * *

Goku thought he knew everything there was to know about fighting rings; they were large, flat and made of white stone. Occasionally they had large grandstands around them but this wasn't a terribly good idea as they could easily be blown up in a fight. This underground fighting ring was very different however. It was in a huge room full of seats which stretched all the way up to the ceiling. In the centre was a small ring which consisted of a mat surrounded by ropes. Goku didn't care for that; it would get in the way of the fight. Still the mat would help Cell last a little longer, he thought.

"Hey look over there," he exclaimed to Cell, "its Freeza and your kids in the stands. Come on, give them a wave." Cell looked up.

"What are my kids doing watching a violent fighting event?" asked Cell. "Did you invite them?"

"Yeah," said Goku proudly, "I thought that they'd like to see their dad fight!"

"Not here!" exclaimed Cell, "It'll be a bad influence!"

"Come on," protested Goku, "I was competing in these things at their age."

"Precisely," said Cell bluntly.

"Are you going to wave to them or not?" asked Goku equally bluntly. Cell rolled his eyes and waved to the Cell Jrs. A loud group of "Gaarks" replied, Goku decided to assume that they were cheers.

"Okay that's the fun bit done!" he said happily, "Now it's time to get your fighting head on!"

"Right!" said Cell, who began to focus.

"Okay," said Goku, "what is our tactic?"

"I hit him with everything I've got from the start!" declared Cell. "All my power! All my strength! All my skill! All my determination!"

"Yeah!" said Goku in an inspiring voice, "and what happens if you start to lose?"

"Errr…." said Cell thoughtfully, "I turn into a bomb and blow everything up!"

"What are you forgetting?" Goku asked sternly.

"Oh yes I give you all time to run first!" Cell added quickly.

"Make sure you remember that!" said Goku firmly "King Kai won't be impressed if I blow up his new house. Especially since they won't insure it against "acts of Goku"!"

"I will" said Cell, but he wasn't really listening anymore, he was glaring fiercely into space. Suddenly he roared with rage powering up to his full power! Goku was impressed by how much he had improved.

"Alright Cell!" he shouted, "Now go recycle that Android!" Cell said nothing; he simply leapt into the ring to face the Android. Goku walked up to the edge of the ring (which was at roughly head height) to get a better look at the new Super 25. There wasn't that much different from the outside, he was bigger than before and a lot blonder (how unoriginal was that?) but that was about it.

"Maybe," thought Goku, "Super 25 was just a mind game." However, his thoughts were interrupted by the booming voice of an announcer who was somewhere in the stadium.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" he declared proudly. "The illegal underground fighting ring, in association with Stalin cigarettes (the communist's choice) brings you tonight's main event! In the red corner we have Dr Giro's greatest creation! The roughest, the toughest, the meanest machine created since the HMVEE, its Super 25! And in the blue corner we have the Perfect warrior, a being who defeat all comers except Vegeta and Piccolo who he tricked/ran away from until he could reach his perfect form. Anyway, he beat all comers in his life until he was blown up by an eleven-year-old boy! It's Cell!"

"Did you write that intro?" Cell asked Goku incredulously "Sorry," said Goku apologetically, "They asked me about your fighting record. What was I supposed to say? Anyway, it's all in the past now; concentrate on the fight."

"Right!" said Cell determinedly. He turned to Super 25.

"Are you ready to die freak?" asked Super 25 angrily.

"Humph, I see your upgrade didn't improve you measly vocabulary," said Cell mockingly. "I'm looking forward to administrating an irreversible defeat upon you and your inferior mechanics!" Super 25 stared at him blankly for a few seconds.

"Errr…" he began at last, "I know you are….but wh-" Cell took the opportunity to hit him in the face. "Oww!" the android said in shock.

"Even your screams of pain are only one syllable long," mocked Cell who proceeded to kick him hard. Meanwhile Goku cheered on from the side lines.

"Okay Cell, that's it hit him!" he shouted, "Yeah kick him around. Wow you're giving him quite a beating! Ooops he caught that…well try something else. Okay that didn't work either but it isn't too bad. Nice dodge Cell! Not so nice a dodge Cell but it's only a glancing blow. Ouch that wasn't… but it will heal! You can recover from that! That's not a particularly important part any way… a mere flesh wound. You can use this time you're flying around the ring to reconsider strategy. That's a mat it's not too hard… ROLL OUT OF THE- never mind. That's it Cell! Way to get your head smashed against the rope posts, just like we planned. Ohhhh a back breaker, I haven't seen that one in a while…."

"GOKU!" screamed Cell when he was eventually smashed into the mat in front of the Saiyan, "THROW IN…" he called as Super 25 swung him over his head into the mat on the other side. He returned not long later to finish, "THE TOWEL."

"I can't!" exclaimed Goku, "I'm sorry."

"SCREW HONOUR, YOUR PRIDE AND THE HOSTAGES!" screamed Cell as he came back, "I'M GOING TO BE DESTROYED!"

"It's not that," explained Goku, "It's that we don't have one! You threw it out of the car remember."

"OH COOOOCCCCKKKK!" screamed Cell as he was smashed around the ring, eventually Super 25 let go. Cell crashed into the corner next to Goku.

"Come on Cell, you can still win this," said Goku encouragingly, for lack of a useful thing to say.

"I can't," said Cell mournfully, "I'm doomed, again! What am I going to do! Look he's even got time to show boat and wave to the crowd!"

"On No!" said Goku, "he's building up for his final attack! You have to try attacking him now!"

"But what with?" asked Cell.

"_Kamehameha!" _came a far away, almost mystical call _"Kamehameha him it's the only way."_

"Who's that," asked Cell weakly, "his voice provides hope in my moment of need, who's voice is it? Could it be, could it be Gohan helping me at last? Is this some kind of moral message?"

"Errr, let me get some of that blood out of your ears Cell," said Goku giving them a clean. Suddenly Cell could hear who it was…

"KAMEHAMEHA HIM YOU STUPID GRASSHOPPER!" screamed Freeza from the stands. "YOU KNOW THAT INVICIBLE MOVE THAT OBLITERATES EVERYTHING! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT?"

"Hmmm," said Cell, "guess that beating disorientated me. I guess it's worth a shot, I might as well go out in the same way twice!" Cell staggered to his feet and brought his hands back in to the famous pose. Then he said "Kam…hame…HAR!"

The blast hit Super 25 directly in the chest. He took the blow easily.

"You call that an attack!" he laughed. "I'm going to knock your weedy block off." With that he marched confidently though the blast. Cell kept firing, but he couldn't hold back the android, even when it was glowing red hot in the heat he kept on coming. Goku watched in horror, he couldn't stop him! His training hadn't been enough and Freeza's plan hadn't even been activated! This was it for Cell!

Just then Goku heard a pop. Then he heard another and another and another. Suddenly there were hundreds of pops, all coming from Super 25. The Android was now struggling to move, as if his joints where stuck. Soon he had stopped all together, and then he swelled up and exploded in a shower of little white bits…

A few minutes later Goku managed to climb back up to the surface again. The whole of the area floor was covered in small white things almost up to the top of the ring ropes. It was a bit like sand, or those little pieces of polystyrene Chi-Chi used when packing up delicate stuff. However it wasn't. It was the smell that gave it away. It was popcorn, tones and tones of popcorn! Goku tasted a bit just to be sure. Then he decided to double, triple and quadruple check…

"I wouldn't eat any of that if I were you," said Freeza, who was hovering above the corn, "It's bound to have bits of Android in it." Goku looked up.

"I suppose this was your doing!" he said accusingly.

"Well seeing as you asked yes it was!" said Freeza proudly. "Genius wasn't it?"

"Genius!" retorted Goku between mouthfuls "It's the most ridiculous way to beat a villain I've ever seen! I mean how did it work? Surely you're not trying to tell me that expanding popcorn could force metal apart! That's not possible; it would be crushed just like this!" Goku closed his hand around a handful of popcorn. However rather then being crushed, it cut Goku's hand. "What the?" he exclaimed, opening his hand.

"I told you there would be bits of Android in it." said Freeza as Goku removed the offending piece of metal.

"I have no idea why I put up with this," the Saiyan continued, "I mean how come Dr. Giro didn't notice his Android had been filled with corn! And how come the rattling didn't give it away and how come…"

"Yes those are all very large plot holes" admitted Freeza. "Let's just be thankful that I remembered that this is a cartoon and such poorly conceived events are not only possible but probable!"

"This is not a cartoon!" screamed Goku, "It's an ANIME! There's a big difference! For a start neither Cell nor Dr. Giro is so comically dumb that they won't notice that you cheated!"

"I don't really think Cell cares," said Freeza coolly. Goku turned round to have a look at Cell. The Evil Android clearly didn't care. He was leaping around the ring waving to the crowd and shouting;

"I am the Greatest! I am perfection! I rule! Go Cell, Go Cell," suddenly he noticed Dr. Giro standing by the side of the ringing. "Up yours Doctor!" he shouted, "I am the superior Android. You shouldn't have made that other Android venerable to exploding as soon as it got hot! HAHA!"

"Very well Cell you win." said Dr. Giro, surprisingly graciously, "I'll release the hostages." He waved to some Red Ribbon Army guards, who opened some cages under the stage. From it the hostages emerged. They all ran over to Cell.

"You saved us," said one, "I'm so grateful."

"I always new that you would," added another.

"Personally I thought you were going to be killed and we were all doomed," admitted another, "But I'm glad that didn't happen!"

"Let's have a celebratory meal at the diner!" declared Pasty, "On the house! Three cheers/gaarkks for Cell!" The crowd hoisted Cell onto their shoulders and carried him out the arena, cheering all the way. Cell quickly got into the hero thing, saying things like; "It was nothing," and "I was only doing my duty." This left Goku and Freeza alone with Dr. Giro and several Army guards.

"That was surprisingly noble of you," said Freeza, "letting the hostages go just like that. I would have double crossed them by now!"

"Well the 25 model was at the end of its life any way," said Dr Giro calmly, "Android 26 will be much better! Oh well I'll be going now."

"Not so fast!" declared Goku, "You're under arrest Dr. Giro! For running that protection racket and all the other things we're going to get out of Android 19!"

"Oh really," said Dr Giro. "Please tell me how you're going to get anything out of Android 19 when he isn't in prison?"

"But he is," protested Goku laxly.

"Not anymore!" declared Dr Giro, "While you fools were here watching the fight Super 13 was busy breaking Android 19 out of prison! So you have nothing you can hold against me!" Freeza opened his mouth to say something but Dr Giro cut him off, "And don't even think about arresting me for competing in this illegal fighting tournament, that'll never stand up in court, unless you arrest yourselves too!"

"Ah crap!" said Freeza frustrated. Goku merely smiled.

"Don't worry Freeza," he said, "We have all the evidence we need to arrest Dr. Giro."

"Where?" asked Dr Giro suspiciously. Suddenly there was an almighty crash and a huge sailing ship burst through the stadium wall. It stopped inches from running over the startled Freeza. A Gang plank crashed down beside the boat and a bunch or weary and battered HIFL citizens in torn clothes marched down it. Two of them were carrying a chest which they put down in front of Goku. Behind them stood, perfectly dressed as always, Admiral Cooler.

"Good evening sir!" said Cooler, "My press ganged crew and I have just returned from our long and dangerous voyage to Dr. Giro's office. Many of our numbers got ill, drowned or were eaten by cannibals during the four-day voyage however we were successful. I present to you this chest full of all of Dr Giro's finical dealings, secret plans, pornography tapes and Christmas cards."

"Great work Admiral," said Goku cheerfully, "this should be just what we need to bring Dr. Giro down!"

"Seize him men!" ordered Cooler pointing at Dr. Giro. The men, who had randomly been force to obey Cooler's orders for the past four days, apparently saw no reason to stop now. Dr Giro was quickly grabbed and put in chains.

"I'll get you for this Goku!" declared Dr. Giro as he was dragged away, "Even if it takes all eternity! I'll have my revenge! I'll win one day! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Well that went rather well," said Goku, "I managed to get Cooler to do something useful for once and there were no major screw ups!"

"Yes," said Freeza, who was thoughtfully wondering around Cooler's ship. "Though you might want to release the slaves he captured. Before people get the wrong impression…"

* * *

"I see why people are heroes now," said Cell proudly a few days later, "you get an immense sense of achievement from defeating an invincible evil-doer and saving everybody. Best of all grateful people give you lots of free stuff! It's fantastic; I can't see why so many heroes are always depressed." Goku looked up from his paper work.

"I think it's a little harder then you make it out," he said. "They find it quite a burden having to help people all the time and they generally don't accept the free stuff!"

"Now that's just stupid!" said Cell "Why do anything for free when people are willing to reward you for it?"

"You wouldn't understand that because you're not a true hero like Spider-Cooler!" declared Cooler who had got bored of being an admiral and was now into wearing tights!

"Cooler, get off the ceiling and watch TV or something quiet!" snapped Freeza, who was busy doing a jigsaw puzzle. Suddenly the Icejin spotted something outside the window. "OH NOOOO!" he screamed, "THE INSPECTOR IS OUTSIDE!"

"ST!" exclaimed Goku "WE'RE NOT READY FOR HIM! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" No answer was forthcoming before the inspector let himself in.

"Ah Captain Son," he said warmly, "I just popped in to congratulate you."

"I'm sor-" began Goku before he realised what had been said, "Pardon?" he finished.

"Yes I know," said the inspector, "I was going to give you a terrible report but since you did so well in finally capturing Dr. Giro I think that that would be unfair."

"Thank you sir!" exclaimed Goku cheerfully, Cell and Freeza also smiled proudly.

"I'm off to-" the inspector began, before he noticed the TV. "What's on TV, is that Cell fighting in an illegal underground tournament!"

"It sure is!" declared Cooler proudly, "I couldn't get to the fight so I'm watching the TV re-run; you're welcome to join me, pull up a web!"

"Did you know about this!" demanded the inspector looking straight at Goku.

"No!" lied Goku quickly.

"Yes you did!" said Cooler, "You're right there, labelled as Cell's coach!" The inspector turned to the TV and then back to Goku.

"Well Son!" he snapped, "I'll certainly be re-writing that report! Good day!" and with that he stormed out. Goku sat still for a while before turning to Cell.

"Cell," he asked calmly, "can I borrow your noose?"

* * *

Hope you enjoyed that. I'm almost out of space for words so please review or make a story suggestion suggestion. I'll update sooner this time. 


	8. The last Temptation of Goku Part 1

Okay folks here's another chapter for you to digest. I'd like to thank C.B. for the idea behind this one and Makota for beta reading this. Right off we go then.

The Last Temptation of Goku Part 1

Things had been quiet at the HIFLPD since the screw up at the underground fighting tournament. People are mostly like this when they've done something wrong and are waiting for the repercussions. The theory is that if you're quiet enough and don't do anything wrong people will forget all about you; what you messed up and the proposed punishment. To this end Goku avoided fighting any powerful villains in a public place, Cell didn't parade every criminal he caught down the street, Freeza was relatively polite to people who talked to him (i.e. he stopped beating them up), the Cell Jrs started using notes to talk to people (rather then Garrking at them loudly till they got the point) and Cooler was tied up and locked in the closet. Sadly it didn't do them any good. The inspector had spent three months preparing the report so unsurprisingly he wasn't about to forget it after one week of quiet. Thus on a cool morning in Hell it was released.

"This is terrible!" said Goku, "this is the worst report I've ever read!"

"Have you ever read a report before Goku?" asked Cell looking over his shoulder.

"Well I read a few of Gohan's report cards," said Goku, "or Chi-Chi read them to me, most of them were pretty good. Except when he missed an entire year of school to train for the Saiyans and going to Namek, but I don't think he got one then."

"In other words," put in Cell, "it could also be the best report you've ever read."

"Yes," admitted Goku, "but it would be quickly beaten if I was to read a report on the provision of life boats aboard the Titanic."

"Have you been watching the documentary channel again?" asked Freeza suspiciously.

"Yes," said Goku, "I thought it would improve my wit. I need a laugh after looking at this. I mean listen to all the awful stuff he's written. He's accused us of damaging city property when competing in a street race, starting a bar fight, stealing a steam engine, inciting a riot, and causing a major train crash!"

"That's outrageous!" declared Freeza, "why we ought to…"

"Before we all get hot and bothered about this," interrupted Cell, "might I point out that all that stuff is true."

"Yes but he hasn't looked at the big picture," argued Goku, "he's made it look like we did all this stuff for no reason! He hasn't mentioned that it lead to the arrest of some major criminals at all! And there's some stuff in here which is utterly absurd.Like this claim that witnesses saw a cop helping some bank robbers in return for a bag of loot, that's completely false."

"Yes," said Freeza nervously, "that never happened."

Just then the phone rang; Goku leant over and turned on the speaker.

"Hello this is the HFLPD," he said, "officially a worse police force than no police force according to today's report. What can we do for you?"

"Ah hello Goku," said a surprisingly clear voice, (i.e. an audible one suggesting that it wasn't coming form a telephone in Hell), "I'm glad it's you, I was worried I would get one of those clots you work with." Cell and Freeza looked up angrily.

"Hi King Yemma," said Goku cheerfully, "how are you doing?"

"Well better then you if that report is to be believed," said Yemma. "I wouldn't like to be in your shoes right now."

"Yeah they do smell a bit," admitted Goku, "so what's going to happen now?"

"Well the Kaios are meeting to discuss some proposals," said Yemma, "but it doesn't look good. They never really liked my idea to run a HIFLPD, you Freeza and Cooler could be out of a job soon and Cell will have to go back to sewer cleaning for his community service."

"What!" exclaimed Cell, "I'm not doing that again, I almost got eaten last time. You've got to do something!"

"Goku," asked Yemma carefully, "am I on speaker phone?"

"Oh yes," said Goku, "I probably should have mentioned that." King Yemma sighed.

"Right then Cell," he said, "I can't influence the Kaios directly, they out-rank me, but since Goku has saved me a lot of paper work during his lifetime I feel I owe him something."

"A raise?" asked Freeza hopefully, "because I would like one of those too."

"No," said Yemma bluntly.

"Crap," snapped Freeza, "I need a coffee."

"What I have is a way for you lot to redeem yourselves," said Yemma, "or at least make yourselves look a little better. You see, my administrators in Hell received a witness statement from someone; it says that they know who the biggest drug baron in hell is."

Freeza jumped and spat out his coffee.

"Yes she claimed that it's coming from the fashion model circuit," continued Yemma, causing Freeza to relax. "Unfortunately, all my qualified witness statement recorders are on a team building away day, so no one can take a statement till the Monday. So you'll have to keep the witness safe till then."

"That seems a little pointless," said Cell, "why can't another administrator do it?"

"Because," snapped Yemma, "they are all too busy administrating things!"

"Well why can't we take it then?" asked Goku, "It would take less of our time than protecting the witness."

"Oh no!" said Yemma, "I've read that report. After that I wouldn't trust you to order me a pizza when I wasn't hungry! No this is the best way to do it! I trust I can count on your support?"

"Sure thing you can count on us!" declared Goku.

"You know what," said Freeza, "I'm going to give this a miss."

"How come," asked Goku.

"Well this witness protection stuff sounds awful," said Freeza, "looked in a room for an entire weekend with some whiney paranoid snitch, it would be like…."

"Being your butler?" suggested Cell.

"No it wouldn't," snapped Freeza, "I would never have shared such sensitive information about my paranoia with Jenkins! Mainly because he was obviously spying against me, but I couldn't sack him because my enemies would install a new spy that I didn't know about!" he finished looking around nervously.

"Apparently madness runs in families," whispered Cell to Goku.

"Well I'm sorry to here that Freeza," said King Yemma. "Oh did I mention that she was an entrant into the Miss HIFL tournament this weekend, I was going to fax you all tickets and backstage passes but since Freeza doesn't want to go…"

"Well," said Freeza grudgingly, "If you've already brought the tickets I guess I have to go. Out of duty of course."

"Of course," said King Yemma as the tickets were faxed through, "good luck." With that he hung up. Goku picked up the tickets.

"Hmmm," he mused, "he sent us four tickets. Well I guess we'll need four people to keep up a twenty four hour watch."

"Does this mean we have to get him out of the closet!" moaned Cell.

"Unless you want one of your Cell Jrs to get the wrong idea about women," said Freeza, "there's no one else."

"Fine," said Cell "I'll go get him, but I bet he'll be cranky." Cell walked over to the closet and opened the door, expecting to find a dark cupboard full of junk. Instead he was confronted by an improbably large fancy restaurant full of customers. Cooler stood on the door taking the role of head waiter.

"Good evening gentlemen," he said in a sophisticated voice, "I am so pleased you chose to dine with us. Would you like a table or a booth?" Cell was about to grab Cooler when Goku jumped in front of him.

"A booth please!" he declared quickly. Cell and Freeza glared at him. "What? I've had a rough morning; I could do with a good meal…"

After a large and surprisingly good value meal our heroes drove to the beauty contest. It wasn't a pleasant journey;

"You know," mused Goku as they crawled through the crowded streets, "I have a slight suspicion that people are laughing at us."

"Yeah," said Freeza, "I have that feeling too."

"That's because they are!" snapped Cell, "didn't the pointing and jeering from the pavement give it away?"

"No," admitted Goku. He looked around to check what Cell had said. "Oh no you're right," he said "They all have newspapers too, what does that headline read?"

"OFFICAL: POLICE OFFICERS ARSEHOLES!" announced Cooler cheerfully.

"What!" exclaimed Freeza furiously, "why I ought to give those journalists a…"

"Just get us to the contest Freeza," ordered Goku, "and away from the laughing."

"I'd love too but there is the small issue of the large traffic jam in front of us," snapped Freeza, "so if anyone has any ideas…"

"Spread it on some toast," suggested Cooler earnestly. He was ignored as usual.

"Let's just turn the siren on," said Cell, "that'll clear the traffic."

"We can't do that," said Goku, "the siren can only be used if there's an emergency." Freeza looked like he was about to say something but Goku cut him off; "Being laughed at is NOT an emergency, okay!"

"Fine," groaned Freeza. He settled back down into his seat for a moment. Then a thought struck him. Quickly he wound down his window, formed an energy ball in his hand and threw it into the distance. A few seconds later there was an explosion and something burst into flames. "There," he declared proudly, "we have an emergency so I'm going to turn on the siren. Are you happy now Goku?"

"No not really!" snapped Goku, as the Nissan raced through the traffic.

A few minutes later they arrived at the theatre where the Miss HIFL competition was being held. Once they had overcome the problem of finding a parking space (and Goku had written a note for the person whose car they had destroyed to solve that problem) the HIFLPD hurried towards the stage door.

"Look at the queue outside the entrance!" exclaimed Goku, "this must be a really popular event."

"Well beautiful things are really rare in Hell," explained Cell, "People must be really keen to see something nice for a change."

"Personally I hope we see something nasty!" muttered Freeza with an expression that reminded Goku of Master Roshi. Goku decided to ignore it.

"I reckon it's the water," he said, drawing a bunch of confused glances from his companions. "The water makes everyone in Hell ugly," he explained, "it's too polluted and greasy it has to be bad for you."

"It can't be that," argued Cell, "You seem to spend most of your time down here and it doesn't affect you!"

"Well I bring bottled water form home," said Goku pulling a bottle form his pocket, "it's much better, try some." Cell took a sip.

"My word," he exclaimed, "it's like water from haven!"

"Well that's because it is," said Goku taking the bottle back, "oh look here's the stage entrance." Someone was standing at the stage door checking everyone who came in. He froze when he saw the Police Officers.

"Oh no," he said nervously, "your not competing in this to rescue some hostages too! I don't think I can take being laid off again if you smash this place up!"

"No we're here…" Goku began cheerfully before he realised something, "oops I can't tell you why, it could be kind of dangerous."

"We're here to protect a drug informant!" declared Cooler helpfully filling in the gaps. The man at the door paused for a moment.

"Well I guess you better go in and see the boss," he said, "her office is down the fourth corridor on the right, up a flight of stairs, through the café, over the stage, past the lobby it's the third door on the right. Got that?"

"No," replied Goku, "perhaps you could show us."

"Sorry," said the man on the door, "I have to make an important phone call to no one in particular." With that he hurried away

"I guess we go in then," said Goku. The HIFLPD went inside. The last stage door they had gone through had lead to a corridor full of hopeful fighters. This one lead to a corridor full of beautiful females from hundreds of different planets. Freeza's eyes looked like they were going to explode out of his head.

"WOW!" he exclaimed, "it's even better then I thought it would be…than I dreamt it would be. It's amazing."

"Yes it is," agreed Cell, "I'm sure they'll all catch a cold dressed like that in this weather."

"What do you mean?" exclaimed Freeza, "you don't wear any clothes!"

"I am biologically perfect!" declared Cell, "unlike them."

"Oh I beg to differ!" replied Freeza as he watched a particularly attractive Icejin walk by. "If it was a choice between you and her I know who I would get stranded on a planet with!"

"Charming," snapped Cell, "Well I'd rather be stranded on a planet with Gohan than with you!"

"So would I," added Goku as though he was entering an intellectual discussion, "Oh and a Swiss army knife, that would be useful."

"Fine you two can be stranded with nerd boy and a knife and I'll be stranded with the beautiful women," said Freeza quickly, "seems fair. Oooh I'd take her as well and her…"

"Talking about being stranded," interrupted Goku, "We need to find this office and a towel for Freeza's drool."

"Very well," said Cell, "I think experience has shown that the best person for finding random things is Cooler." The surprisingly quite insane Icejin perked up at the mention of his name. "Cooler," said Cell clearly, "find that office."

"Well!" said Cooler taking in a deep breath, drawing some paper, a pen, and glasses from nowhere, "if we examine the floor plan of this building we can take the corridors as waited acres with a value corresponding to their length and each room can be a node. Then by simply applying the Postman algorithm, making it more precise by combining it with a flow diagram to watch out for bottle necks…" he took another deep breath and scribble a huge amount of writing down incredibly quickly, "…we can conclude that the quickest way to find the office is this!" Cooler leapt to his feet chucking large pile of papers aside and ran up to the nearest door. He opened it a leaned inside. A female voice screamed!

"No not it!" declared Cooler moving instantly to the next door. This time when he opened it someone threw something at him. It bounced off his head doing absolutely no damage (mainly because there was nothing in there to damage). "Wrong again," he declared and moved on to the next door, where the process repeated.

"This is going to be a long day," sighed Goku.

A few hours later the HIFLPD finally stumbled upon the boss's office. Well stumbled is a bit of an over simplification. What actually happened was Cooler opened the door, looked inside and declared; "No not this one," before moving off to check other doors.

"Should we stop him?" asked Goku.

"He seems happy enough," said Cell, "besides I think we'll make a better first impression with out him."

"Good point," agreed Goku, "Cooler doesn't seem to be making very good first impressions today." At that moment another scream rang out from a changing room to underline the point. Goku ignored it.

"Come on Freeza," he said, "let's go in- hey! Where's Freeza gone?" Goku and Cell glanced around until they saw Freeza. He was still following Cooler, taking a good look through each of the doors his older brother opened.

"FREEZA!" bellowed Goku, the Icejin jumped and turned round with a slightly guilty look on his face. "Where are you going?" demanded Goku.

"To the office," explained Freeza innocently, "why where are you going?"

"No where!" snapped Goku, "the office is just here."

"Really?" exclaimed Freeza still maintaining the air of innocence, "Sorry I must have missed it."

"Missed it!" exclaimed Goku, "if you can't see this door how on earth are you going to see a hit man! You have to pay more attention."

"Oh I think he was paying a lot of attention to something," muttered Cell. Freeza gave Cell an evil glare as he joined him out side the office. Goku ignored it and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" demanded a stern voice from with in.

"It's the Home for Infinite Losers Police Department" answered Goku, (a bit of a mouth full but have you ever tried to say HIFLPD in conversation)? "We're here about the security matter."

"Oh you better come in then," replied the voice, Goku opened the door and entered the office. Behind a large and imposing desk sat an imposing middle aged woman. She wore a suit and pair of glasses that, when combined with her expression, suggested that she hadn't laughed for many years and had no intention of breaking the habit. It was quite obvious that she wasn't very pleased to see them. How ever not obvious enough for Goku to notice.

"So what can we do for you?" he asked cheerfully.

"I believe that you came here to protect one of the Girls competing in this years Miss HIFL pageant," replied the stern woman. "King Yemma told me all about it; apparently she's a drugs crime witness. Personally I think this is ridiculous, I've been in charge of this pageant for three centuries and I have never once seen or heard of anything to do with drugs. She's just a silly girl making up stories for attention, you know how they are."

"No not really," replied Goku happily.

"Silly, eh," said Freeza cheerfully, "is she naughty too?" If looks could kill the one the stern women gave Freeza could have obliterate several planets! As it was the Icejin merely shuddered.

"Anyway!" she continued, "I'm sure you won't find any drugs or mafia hitmen here but since King Yemma clearly wants you off the streets I'm stuck with you here."

"Yes you are Miss…" Cell interrupted.

"**MS** Ironstone!" snapped Ms Ironstone.

"Ironstone," repeated Cell slowly, writing it down in a note book. "Thank you very much." Goku looked over the Android's to see that he had written it (and double underlined it) on a page entitled "PRIME SUSPECTS". Meanwhile Ironstone was continuing her rant.

"I hope you three know that you are in a highly privilege situation," she said, "I usually never let men behind the scenes here, lest they distract my girls! You three better behave yourselves!" she declared staring straight at Freeza.

"Don't worry!" said Goku, "you won't even know that we are here. Unless of course the drug dealer sends a really power full guy as an assassin, in which case we'll try not to do too much damage."

"To the city," added Cell, "The theatre will be a goner in that situation." Ms Ironstone looked less then frilled that prospect.

"That better not happen!" she snapped, "I have influence in the otherworld you know, so if you don't want to get shut down I expect you to maintain an invisible presence, understand?" She leant over the desk aggressively.

"Sure thing," said Goku nervously, "just show us who we're protecting and we'll be out of your hair."

"Very well," replied Ms Ironstone. She turned to a door in the side of her office and called out; "SCARLET!" There was a momentary pause and then the door opened. Though it stepped a beautiful young woman. She had the kind of beauty that couldn't be easily described on a page (read into that what you will). Let's just say that she had a perfect face and the kind of body that would have an average man, or any male humanoid for that matter, on the floor howling. However Goku, as we well know, was far from average! So all he did was say;

"Hi I'm Goku, pleased to meat you," complete with cheery smile and wave.

"Well hello," replied Scarlet with a voice like velvet, "I'm pleased to meet you too." She half turn away from the Saiyan to give him a seductive smile over the shoulder. This was completely lost on Goku who decided that this was the cue to introduce his companions.

"And this guy here is Cell," he announced, "and the guy pressed up against the window hooting at the women outside is Freeza."

"Oh," said Scarlet who turned to look at Freeza, "How errr… Nice," she finished politely.

"Yes yes it's wonderful," interrupted Ms Ironstone, "now Scarlet these men are going to keep you safe for the rest of the pageant. I've given you changing room No.345 so you'll be near the exit in case of an emergency."

"What!" exclaimed Freeza temporarily distracted from his important work at the office window, "that's stupid. The safest place she can be is in the changing room; in fact we need one as close to the stage as possible so she spends as little time travelling to and from the stage as possible." Ironstone was a slightly taken a back by this.

"Well I suppose you are the experts," she admitted at last, "Fine Scarlet you can use changing room No.1 okay."

"Sure thing," said Scarlet sweetly. "Could one of you big strong men take my things to the changing room?"

"Sure thing," said Goku walking round to see what she had, "There can't be that much…"

There was an earth-shaking thud when the HIFLPD put down the suitcases outside changing room number 1.

"That was heavier than that bloody Milk float!" gasped Cell, "What on Hell could she have in here?"

"Stop whining," snapped Freeza, "we're here aren't we?" The Icejin looked up and down the corridor. "Yes, this spot is perfect," he said, "the changing rooms are just down there and the stage is only a few yards away. Yep this is the spot!"

"Are you feeling okay Freeza?" asked Cell a carefully.

"Yes why?" asked Freeza.

"Well you're actually doing your job," exclaimed Cell. "Doing it well too! I mean moving the changing room to a safer place and not complaining about having to carry three suitcases and that deck chair! I mean what could that woman want with a deck chair?!"

"She doesn't want it at all," said Freeza, "it's mine." Freeza quickly bent down and set up the chair. "Yeah this is perfect," he said sitting down in it, "I have a perfect view of the stage entrance here. I can see them all nervously lining up, and jumping up and down and hugging when they do well and all that sort of stuff…" Cell gave Freeza's deck chair a sharp kick causing it to snap shut around the Icejin. Just then Goku and Scarlet rounded the corner, in mid-conversation.

"…I see, well if you put it that way Martial Arts and Modelling are very similar," agreed Goku.

"See we do have things in common," said Scarlet cheerfully. Goku was about to nod when he saw Cell and Freeza.

"Ah is this the room?" he asked putting his suitcases down.

"It better be," said Cell, "because I'm not taking this suitcase any further!"

"Oh don't worry this is the room sweetie," declared Scarlet prancing over to the door, "be a dear and bring those in will you."

"Sweetie?" exclaimed Cell, "Dear?"

"You better check for an assassin while you're in there," said Goku, "You never know what these villains have planned."

"Oh don't worry about that!" said Cell, "If anyone attacks us I'll just hit them with these suitcases, no one could survive that!"

"Oooh you're clever too," declared Scarlet, "lead the way." Cell used all his might to pick up the suit cases and carry them inside, Scarlet followed him in shutting the door behind them.

"Well she's a one!" said Freeza from the floor, "what a flirt! Now why can't I ever meet an Icejin like that?"

"I don't think she's flirt!" said Goku.

"How can you say that!" exclaimed Freeza, "She called Cell "sweetie" and she was trying to prove that you had something in common with her. What part of that wasn't flirting?"

"That wasn't flirting," explained Goku, "she was just trying to find out a bit about us. It's what nice people do. Now I know that's a hard concept for you…"

"If she was nice she wouldn't be in hell!" interrupted Freeza, "You know if you played your cards right you could get in there!"

"Get in where?" asked Goku.

"Well she clearly likes you," said Freeza, "you could…you know, get close!" Goku stared blankly, "go behind the bike sheds, feel each other up!" tried Freeza to more blank looks, "HAVE SEX!!!" screamed Freeza at last. Goku looked blank for a second, then he looked disgusted.

"Don't be disgusting!" he snapped, "besides I'm married to Chi-Chi so I can't have…you know… with anyone else can I?" Freeza, glared at him.

"Are you for real?" exclaimed Freeza, "how can you… how can you possible not want to?!" he clenched his fist furiously, "get me out of this deck chair so I can slap some sense into you!" Goku bent down and opened the deck chair to allow Freeza to escape. He was interrupted by a sudden scream and some crashing from inside the changing room.

"What was that?" exclaimed Goku letting go of the deck chair, which slammed shut on Freeza's tail with an impressive amount of force. Goku ignored the Icejin's screams and ran to the door. However before he could go in the door was opened from the inside and Cell came out.

"Cell is everything okay?" asked Goku, "what happened?" Cell said nothing, instead he raise his hand up so Goku could see what he was holding, it was a smooth purple tail. Goku's eyes followed the tail to its logical conclusion and wondered why he wasn't surprised.

"I found the office," declared Cooler proudly, "it was 175 doors back!"

"Why didn't you stop when you got to it then?" asked Goku.

"Because I needed to make sure that none of the other rooms were closer offices!" announced Cooler cheerfully, "isn't maths great?"

"Yes," agreed Cell in a soothing voice, "it's wonderful." They he turned to Goku and whispered, "We should really consider putting him in an asylum! Seriously he's getting worse."

"We couldn't do that!" exclaimed Goku, "he'll drive every one there completely mad, or madder. Besides we need a fourth man for this job."

"Fine," said Cell, "but if you get bored during this job you could always look at these brochures I got. Just to make sure you know our options." Goku sighed and took a few of the brochures before turning to the others.

"Right," he said, "we're going to have to keep up an all-day watch so I suggest we do it with three people on and one person off duty. We'll rotate, oh every so often, making sure everyone can get a bit of sleep."

"I'm a little confused by the details," said Freeza sarcastically, "could you be a little less precise?" Goku stepped hard on the deck chair crushing Freeza's tail a little more.

"For the first shift," he continued "Freeza will be guarding the Changing room door, I'll be guarding the changing room interior and Cooler," he turned to the crazy Icejin and spoke very clearly, "watch this door like a Hawk!!"

"Yes Sir!" saluted Cooler who proceeded to stare very hard at the door, as though it was going to attack him.

"That means I get the time off right?" said Cell.

"Yep!" said Goku, "you can do what you want."

"Very well," said Cell, "I'm going to watch some of this pageant, I want to see what all the fuss is about."

"Have fun," said Freeza in a friendly voice, before adding, "you A-sexual freak," under his breath.

"Don't worry Freeza," said Goku "you can go and watch it later."

"Oh I'm not worried," replied Freeza looking cheerfully down the corridor, "I have the best seat in the house right here!"

"You might want to pull your tail out of that seat first," suggested Goku pointing to the deck chair, "and don't forget to keep an eye out for something suspicious okay? This isn't a holiday. If you do and you think you need my help blow a whistle and I'll be out, got that?"

"Fine, but you better keep an eye on that Scarlet girl," retorted Freeza, "If you don't want to have to explain an awkward situation to your wife when she gets here!"

"For the last time Freeza!" exclaimed Goku, "she is not going to come on to me or do any other strange code words you people have. I'm just going to keep her safe and maybe have a nice conversation."

"Oh really," said Freeza smugly, "care to put your money where your mouth is?"

"Why would I want to eat my money?" asked Goku.

"Make a bet you idiot!" snapped Freeza, "I bet you 10 zeni that she will try to get you to kiss her by the end of the day! Do we have a deal?"

"Very well Freeza," said Goku, "You're on…"

Cell carefully made his way through the crowded theatre to his seat. He didn't make himself very popular in the process. Cell's wings where quite large and clumsy in narrow spaces. As a result Cell hit several people in the face and turned over a few drinks on the way. Fortunately an apology and throwing the one guy who tried to push him back through the roof of the theatre stopped the situation from becoming too nasty and Cell settled in his seat. Once he was comfortable his disposition improved; he was in the mood for some light entertainment. The excitement of the rest of the audience further raised Cell's expectation. This had to be spectacular.

Eventually an announcer with a microphone came onto the stage, apparently he had been a big actor or something when he was alive but Cell wasn't really listening. The announcer started with some corny jokes, most of which Cell had heard before (from Freeza). Most of the crowd laughed however, possible out of politeness or hoping that once he had got enough laughs he would stop trying to be funny and get on with it.

"And now!" he declared once it had become clear that he was a rubbish stand up comedian, "here's what you've all been waiting for… The girls from across the universe that will be competing to win your hearts and this years Miss HIFL pageant!" This was greeted by loud cheers and hoots form the audience. Cell decided that he should join in; it seemed to be part of the event. The announcer seemed delighted by this reaction.

"Okay then folks here's the first competitor," he declared, "It's Miss Makyon!"

A huge cheer erupted from the crowd as a female walked slowly on to the stage blowing kisses. Cell waited eagerly wondering what might happen next, the anticipation was killing him. However the woman just proceeded to stand there, as the announcer introduced another competitor. Cell watched in disbelief as everyone cheered again.

"Why are they cheering?" he thought, "Nothing has happened. Perhaps they're just introducing them all first? Then they'll get started. I should just settle back and try to enjoy this."

By the time the 20th competitor had been introduced to more unrelenting cheers Cell was really bored. Out of desperation he did something very rare for a proud perfect Android; he asked the person next to him a question.

"Excuse me," he asked politely, "do you know when they're going to get started?"

"What do you mean get started!" exclaimed the fish-like creature next to him, "They have started!"

"They can't have started!" retorted Cell, "They haven't done anything! They're just standing there!"

"Year," exclaimed the fish happily, "aren't they beautiful to look at, so brilliantly proportioned with beautiful hair and smooth skin and…" he trail off for a moment, "they're just perfect!"

"I disagree," said Cell harshly, "they are far from perfect. They have displayed little strength or personality and their fighting power level are hopeless. And they can't be that clever if they think standing there being looked at is entertainment." Just then the fish leapt out of his chair to hoot at another competitor coming onto the stage. "Although clearly not as stupid as you for enjoying it!" Cell added.

"What are you?" demanded the fish, "Gay?"

"No," said Cell, "I haven't been this bored or depressed for some time." He yawned to emphasise the point. Suddenly his hand struck the hand of the man sitting on the other side of him. Something flew out of the man's hand and hit the floor.

"Oh I'm terribly sorry," said Cell, leaving the fish to get back to his hooting, "Let me pick that up for you."

"Oh there's really no need," said the man quietly, but Cell had already bent down and picked up…a gun.

"Crumbs you must be enjoying this even less then me!" laughed Cell as he handed it back.

"Err… yes," said the man taking the gun and pocketing it, "excuse me." And with that he hurried away. Cell watched him go, a little confused by his strange behaviour. But a quick glance around the hall showed that this wasn't the only bit of strange behaviour going on at the moment. The rest of the audience was still hooting and cheering for a start.

"I'll never understand these bisexual species!" sighed Cell as he settled back down into his chair.

Little did he realise that due to his ranting and picking up of his neighbours gun he had entirely missed Scarlet (or should that be the target) coming onto the stage…

_To be Continued…_

Okay folks that's the end of part 1. It was supposed to be longer but it became so much longer that I decided to split it in to two chapters. The next one should be up too so you can read it now if you like. There's no need to review now either, unless you really want too.


	9. The last Temptation of Goku Part 2

Right here's part two just like I said. Make sure you've read part one before you proceed. Just one quick note an OC appears in this chapter who is NOT based on a real person what ever you might think, honest. Okay let's go.

* * *

The Last Temptation of Goku Part 2

Goku escorted Scarlet back to the changing room.

"So how did that go?" asked Goku conversationally, "because I didn't really understand what was going on."

"Well I think I did well," said Scarlet modestly, "The crowd seemed pleased to see me."

"Yeah," said Goku, "I haven't heard a crowd make that large a noise since I last competed in the World Martial Arts Tournament."

"Oh," said Scarlet sounding intrigued, "you were a big celebrity in your time then, interesting."

"Not really," corrected Goku.

"But the crowd must have really liked you to cheer harder then that!" exclaimed Scarlet.

"They weren't actually cheering," admitted Goku, "more sort of screaming when they realised that my opponent was the Evil Demon King Piccolo."

"Wow, you fought a Demon king," exclaimed Scarlet, "You must be really brave! Did you beat him, or is that why you're here?"

"I beat him," said Goku in a matter of fact manner, "I'm here because I was blown up saving my planet form an evil Android that was about to self destruct. I saved the planet but I couldn't get away in time." He shrugged as if it was no big deal.

"You must be really strong too!" said Scarlet, looking a little awe struck, "and have a huge heart, sacrificing yourself for your planet. I feel really safe having you around now." She smiled at him sweetly.

"Well that's my job," said Goku, once again there was no boastfulness in his voice, everything was a statement of fact. By this time they had reached the changing room. Freeza was waiting for them. "Hi Freeza any sign of trouble?"

"Yes actually," said Freeza, "a guy came round here a few minutes ago and dropped off several pizza boxes! I kind of get the feeling that it wasn't Scarlet who order them."

"I most certainly did not!" snapped Scarlet, "I would never eat such a thing, I hope you detained the person who delivered these!"

"Well he wasn't very cooperative," explained Freeza, "and kept asking to be paid. So I gave him a sound beating so that he couldn't escape!"

"Why did you do that!" exclaimed Goku.

"I just told you!" snapped Freeza, "to stop the little bastard who delivered the poisoned pizzas from escaping! If you want to interview him he's in the hospital, A&E I believe."

"There was no need for that!" snapped Goku, "'cause I ordered those pizzas, look it's written right there on the bill!"

"Ooops," said Freeza, blushing slightly, then he recovered, "well if you ordered them how come they are poisoned?"

"They are not poisoned!" declared Goku.

"Oh yeah," snapped Freeza, "Well I gave Cooler a piece to test it and he hasn't moved since, it's probably disintegrating his body right now!" Goku bent down and felt Cooler's throat, he had assumed that the Icejin was asleep."

"He's not poisoned!" Goku announced, "He's just got some of the pizza stuck in his throat."

"Then why isn't he choking?" demanded Freeza.

"He probably forgot," said Goku as he picked up Cooler to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre, "you know how he is."

Goku performed the Heimlich manoeuvre once on Cooler. Rather then coughing the insane Icejin squeaked like a dog's toy and spat out the piece of pizza, which hit Freeza directly between the eyes.

"That was pleasant!" said Freeza sarcastically.

"Well that's once crisis averted," declared Goku picking up pizza boxes, "if you need me again Freeza just blow the whistle." He paused before going into the changing room to fish something out of one of the boxes. "Here you go Cooler," he said handing the Icejin a half eaten piece of pizza, "you better finish this."

"Thank you doctor" said Cooler, taking the pizza, "you saved my life!" Goku smiled and entered the changing room with Scarlet. Behind him Cooler took another bite of pizza and immediately fell over again…

Goku devoured the pizzas at the rate of knots while Scarlet applied her make up.

"So," asked Goku once he had finished all the pizza, "what's the next round?"

"Oh it's the interview round," said Scarlet, "we have to answer questions to prove that we are well-rounded and intelligent people!"

"Crumbs that sounds tough!" said Goku, "if Gohan's homework is anything to go by then you're going to need some practice."

"I don't think it will be anything that hard," replied Scarlet, "but it would be really sweet of you to help me practice." She gave an adorable smile and handed Goku the card, making sure their hands discreetly touched as she did this. Goku missed this all completely and turned his attention to the card. "These are sample questions," explained Scarlet leaning close to Goku, "you can ask me any of them you want."

Goku read the list quietly to himself; he had to admit that he could have answered all of them quite easily. Still he selected one from the card.

"What is the capital of Hell?" he asked.

"Why that's Hell City," said Scarlet smoothly.

"Yep that's right," said Goku reading the answer. He was slightly disappointed the answer wasn't H. "Okay then what is the name of the chief administrator of the other world?"

The questions went on like this until Goku had asked all the knowledge questions. The next bunch where titled personality questions. Goku began to read out the first one when Scarlet stopped him.

"These questions are all about letting people know what a wonderful person you are, and they aren't always quiet like the ones on the card," she explained, "perhaps it would be better practice for you to ask me questions off the top of your head."

"Oh I get it," said Goku, "a bit of real world practice so the set questions will seem easier. Okay then I think I can do that. Let me see…Ah got it. Why did you decide to come forward as a witness against these drugs dealers anyway?" Scarlet thought for a moment before answering.

"Because I hate to see such a beautiful event as the Miss HFIL beauty pageant mixed up with something as disgusting as drugs," she began sweetly, before adding, "and I hate the way those other models take them to make themselves thinner," she clenched her fists, "and I hate it how they always beat me! So I decided to get them thrown in jail to rot so I'll be able to win every year like I should because none of those sluts are as pretty as me!!!" She suddenly stopped and looked at Goku. "Basically I think crime is bad!" she finished sweetly with an innocent smile.

"That might need a little work," suggested Goku before rather charitably adding, "but it was good for a first try."

"Perhaps I would do better if I was to ask you a question," suggested Scarlet. "You would have no problem giving a good answer to one of these questions, being such a wonderful person. I could learn so much from you." She finished leaning in seductively.

"Great idea!" declared Goku cheerfully and apparently none the wiser, "I learn a lot of my skills through watching others. Ask away."

"Very well then," said Scarlet, "How does such a handsome heavenly guy like you end up working for the Police in Hell?"

"Well that's kind of a funny story actually," replied Goku, _(see the original Law and order HFIL department although I'm sure most of you have read it)_ "After I died I went to the Grand Kio's planet where I train with all the other great fighters in history. Meanwhile my old enemies in Hell tried one escape attempt too many and were sentenced to do police work in Hell as a punishment! I was chosen to be in charge of them; to make sure that they didn't abuse their positions."

"Wow, you were chosen by the leaders of the other world," exclaimed Scarlet, "you must have some great connections! I bet it was a real honour."

"Well it was in a way," said Goku. "I only got the job because I was the only one to step forward when it was offered."

"You were the only one who cared about the suffering masses in Hell enough to help them," suggested Scarlet, "what a great man you are!"

"I guess so," said Goku. He decided to admit the fact that he only stepped forward to pick up a sandwich someone had dropped in front of him. "Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. We seem to screw things up a lot, but it's always nice to know that some people appreciate our work."

"I knew she was a nice person," he thought. "I'm looking forward to taking Freeza's tenner!"

"I know something you could scr-" Scarlet began seductively. She was half a word away from proving Goku wrong but she was interrupted by a sudden whistling from outside.

"Got to go!" exclaimed Goku rushing to the door. Scarlet angrily watched him go.

"Men!" she fumed.

* * *

Freeza was lying on the floor with a rather sore cheek when Goku hit his head with the door.

"What was that whistle about?" demanded Goku, "There isn't an assassin out here is there?"

"Assassin?" repeated Freeza a little dazed, then he remembered what Goku had told him a whistle meant. "Oh yes," he answered as quickly as he could, "There was an assassin out here, he gave me a pretty hefty hit on the check, but he ran off when I blew the whistle."

"Really," exclaimed Cooler, "I thought that was Miss Imegga and that she only slapped you after you blew the whistle."

"Shut up Cooler," hissed Freeza before turning to Goku. "He's just being silly; you know how he always makes up these silly things. Like the other week when he claimed that I was buying beer for underage kids, he's just delusional!"

"I guess," said Goku, "you better go and track down Miss Imegga and ask her some questions."

"No I don't think that would be a good idea," said Freeza quickly.

"Why not?" asked Goku.

"Because she said that if she ever saw Freeza again she would kick him in the nuts!" declared Cooler cheerfully.

"He's lying," burst out Freeza.

"I am not!" declared Cooler, "I would never lie during national Cooler honesty week." He proudly displayed a badge with the name of the event on it, "Would you like a free T-shirt?"

"Oh thanks very much!" said Goku cheerfully taking the T-shirt off Cooler. Then he turned to Freeza. "Stop messing around!" he ordered, "We are here to keep a woman safe not to do… what ever it was that angered that woman so much!"

"Fine," grumbled Freeza getting to his feet. Goku gave him a hard stare but left it at that. Freeza glared at the door.

"He's eager to get back in there," he thought, "How come he gets to spend time with a woman and I don't. Perhaps I should try a more discreet tactic, but I'll have to get rid of Cooler first. Or I could use him to get women's attention, like some men use a dog."

"Oh Cooler," he asked carefully, "Do you have a novelty dog costume for national Cooler honesty week?"

"Why of course!" declared Cooler, "everyone needs one of those, I personally never go anywhere without it! You never know when you could need one!" Cooler raced off, a few seconds later he returned wearing a very convincing dog costume.

"Oh very nice," said Freeza in a friendly manor, "Now could you do me one more favour?"

"Woof!" said Cooler, Freeza took that as a "yes".

"Great," he said, "sit there and look cute!" Cooler nodded and pulled up a chair.

"Not like that!" snapped Freeza, "No one's going to believe you're a do-" however not for the first time in his life Freeza was wrong.

"Awwww," declared a group of particularly attractive models as one, "Look at the adorable doggy, what's his name?" Freeza instantly stopped shouting at Cooler and gave him a dog biscuit instead. This was the first time a woman had looked at him with out hatred in their eyes since he'd got here, heck since he'd been sent to Hell. He wasn't going to waste this opportunity.

"His name is Cooler," he announced proudly, "would you like to stroke me- I mean him?"

"Sure," declared one of the girls. The group rushed over to pat the dog.

"Oh he's so soft!" said one seeming positively delighted.

"And he has such beautiful eyes," added another.

"You know," said Freeza suggestively, "they say that pets are like their owners!"

"Really," exclaimed one of the girls, "wow they are right. You two look really similar, almost as if your brothers!"

"Oh that's funny," said Freeza coolly.

"Can he do tricks?" asked a member of the crowd.

"Of-" began Freeza but he was quickly cut off by Cooler. The "dog" put on a top hat and with drew a pack of cards from his pocket. Freeza watched in horror as he proceeded to offer one of the girls the opportunity to select a card.

"He's blown it!" thought Freeza, "just wait till we get home Cooler, I'm going to make you wish that you'd never been killed!" Just then the Girl chose a card. Cooler put it back in the back and proceeded to perform the trick to perfection! The crowd lapped it up, clapping Cooler and saying things like; "isn't he a good boy!" in the patronising voice people use when talking to dogs. Cooler clearly enjoyed this as he proceeded to do more tricks. By the time Cooler had reached the "sawing the woman in half" point of the show Freeza was scowling furiously; no one was paying attention to him anymore! He had been up staged…by his dog!!!

"Ungrateful mutt!" snapped Freeza, "Enjoy your stupid girls, I don't need them anyway!" he paused for a moment trying to come up with a reason why… "I don't need them because," he declared at last, "I'm married to my work! OH CRAP, MY WORK!!!!" Freeza swung round to find that the crowd had dragged him a few meters away from the door he was meant to be guarding. To make matters worse it was just about to be opened by a Saibaiman!!!

"Just my luck!" muttered Freeza and blew his whistle as hard as he could…

* * *

"…and that's why I think the war in Iraq was a good thing!" declared Scarlet definitively.

"That was a good answer!" said Goku looking up from his note pad, "but I have found a few flaws in your…" Just then he heard Freeza's whistle. Goku looked up to see the Saibaiman at the door, ready to fire an acid blast. Goku threw himself across the room knocking Scarlet to the floor. The acid hit the wall right where Scarlet's head had been moment's ago. Goku and Scarlet watched as it burnt a disturbingly large hole in the wall.

"Goku!" exclaimed Scarlet, "you saved my life. You're a real hero, you should be rewarded." She finished, trying to grab Goku's collar.

"Maybe later," said Goku getting off her very quickly. He turned to face the Saibaiman but the creature had already been vaporised in a red blast. A few seconds later Freeza put his head round the door.

"You'll be pleased to know that I have a good excuse!" he announced.

"Let's hear it then," said Goku reluctantly.

"Well," said Freeza thoughtfully, "I was trying to draw the assassin out, by making it look like I wasn't doing my job, so he would attack you. Then I would pounce and capture him alive for questioning. It was going perfectly until I killed him!"

"Can't be helped," said Goku choosing not to investigate Freeza's excuse any further, "I don't think that thing could speak anyway. Still this incident shows that we have to take this threat more seriously." He turned to Scarlet, "Cooler and I will have to come with you on-stage for the next round to keep an eye on things. Is that okay?"

"Fine," said Scarlet, "As long as you try not to be too good looking, I don't want the judges to be distracted you know." She finished with a playful giggle.

"I don't think that will be a problem," replied Goku, sounding rather confused and leaving Freeza wishing that he had bet more money.

"What am I going to do?" asked the Icejin.

"Repair this wall for a start!" declared Goku pointing to the hole in the wall, "it's not very secure at the moment! But first could you tell Cooler the new arrangements?" Freeza lent out of the room and looked down the corridor.

"Could it wait a moment," he asked, "I don't feel safe going near Cooler when he's carrying a bunch of swords…"

* * *

It had taken sometime but Cell had finally worked out how he could enjoy the beauty pageant. He had realised that the theatre was a relatively warm and dry place with comfortable seats. I other words it was the ideal place to read a book! Of course there was still the problem of the noisy idiots in the crowd. Fortunately the interview round allowed much less room for hooting and the application of duck tape quickly dealt with any particularly annoying individuals sitting near by.

Thus Cell's reading was largely uninterrupted; every so often the audience would applaud one of the contestants at which point Cell would briefly stop reading and join in. Well it was only polite. It was during one of these events that Cell saw two people he recognised on the stage. It was Cooler and Goku.

"They must be getting desperate for entrants," muttered Cell, chuckling at his own wit. Though he did wonder if it was a wise idea to let Cooler on stage, he was bound to do something stupid. Cell decided to return to his reading. If he was hiding behind his book Cooler, or Goku for that matter, where less likely to try to wave or call out to him. The interview seemed to pass off as normal. The crowd applauded a few more times then they had for most of the contestants but nothing to get excited about. That was until the inevitable happened.

"Look out he's got a gun!!!" screamed a familiar voice.

"Oh my God!" screamed a woman.

"Solar Flare!" shouted a different familiar voice filling the room with light. Despite the fact that he could no longer see the pages Cell kept his nose in his book. He was determined not to give the situation the satisfaction of distracting him. So it continued in audio only.

"Alright sir, hand over the gun. I don't want to hurt you."

"He's got a bomb! Flee for your lives."

"You're not helping Cooler! Throwing people towards the emergency exit is not helping either!"

"Help I'm being mugged by police officers!" rang out an elderly man's voice.

"Got it! Wait a second this isn't a gun, it's a walking stick!"

"Yes but walking sticks can have weapons hidden in the handle… see!"

"You just broke my Cane!"

"You mean your death stick; yes this is a leaflet weapon if ever I saw one!"

"Cooler, sharp shards of bamboo do not count as weapons!"

"YOU TWO COME HERE!" declared a new voice entering the situation; it was clearly strong and female. "ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN THE PAGEANT!!?"

"Don't come any closer! I have a hostage and some bamboo. I'll use it if you make me!"

"Let go of me Cooler!"

"Yes sir!"

"Listen Mrs-"

"MS!"

"Ms Ironstone, I assure you that I can explain- OOWWW!!!! Let go of my ear. That really hurts!"

"This way, Saiyan!!!!"

After this there was some quiet as the rather shell-shocked crowd made their way back to their seats. This was also the moment Cell decided to find somewhere else to read.

* * *

Freeza was busy nailing planks of wood over the hole in the wall. It wasn't going very well, mainly due to the fact that all the wood was rotten and the plaster covering the wall was determined to break as soon as it got a whiff of a nail. That was pretty standard for building materials in Hell of course. Presently Scarlet entered escorted by Cooler. The insane Icejin calculated Scarlet's air miles and handed her a coupon before closing the door. Out of politeness and the desire to do something other then hammer nails into a wall Freeza asked how it went.

"Oh it went quite well," said Scarlet, "I got a pretty good score form the judges."

"You don't seem very happy about it," commented Freeza.

"What makes you think that?" demanded Scarlet.

"I used to be an absolute ruler of a brutal dictatorship," explained Freeza, "I have a knack for knowing when people are unhappy, it gives me a lovely warm feeling inside!"

"Oh," said scarlet seeming slightly nervous, then she sighed and flopped down into a chair. "It's Goku you see; I don't think he likes me."

"Listen Miss," interrupted Freeza, "I said that I knew you were unhappy, I never said that I wanted to know why!" Unfortunately this bluntness didn't get through to Scarlet. Apparently she seemed to think, or pretended to think, that Freeza had said; "Really why?"

"Well he attacked a man with a cane and got himself dragged off by Ms Ironstone just to get away form me." Freeza was about to try and tell her to shut up again when a thought suddenly occurred to him; It was time to play Cupid.

"It must have been a mistake," he said in a friendly manner, "trust me no one would allow themselves to be dragged away by Ms Ironstone, for any reason!"

"But how come he's been ignoring all my advances?" asked Scarlet, clearly a woman who was not used to being ignored. Freeza thought quickly.

"Oh that's simple," he said at last, "Goku's just shy! He has a low self-esteem you see so if you make any suggestive comments to him he'll take them as face value because he doesn't believe any woman would be interested in him."

"How sad," said Scarlet sympathetically, "he's must be sensitive too."

"What ever floats your boat," commented Freeza.

"So what should I do to get his attention?" asked Scarlet, "write a poem or something?"

"Of course not!" snapped Freeza, "you'll just have to be really obvious! Spell it out to him in big red letters, leave him no option but to concede that you want him. Then he'll be like a sailor on shore leave."

"Really?" asked Scarlet suspiciously, "are you sure that will work?"

"Why would I lie to you?" asked Freeza playing the guilty card.

"I can't think of any reason," admitted Scarlet, "okay I'll do that, thanks Freeza you're too kind."

"Oh it was nothing," said Freeza with an evil grin on his face. Those ten zeni were as good as his! Then it occurred to Freeza, was this what his existence had become? Moving from the emperor of the universe who could have whatever he wanted to a single Police officer who repaired walls and spent his time plotting to win a measly ten zeni off his boss? How sad was that? Then he thought of all the chocolates he could buy with the tenner and the look of defeat on Goku's face when he handed it over. That made Freeza feel warmer then an entire planet's worth of suffering ever could.

* * *

Cell hated bars! They were smelly, noisy, and full of people! The fact that he was sitting in one now was a testament to his lack of interest in the pageant. Cell wouldn't have done it if there had been anywhere else to sit, but the cunning architect of the theatre had made sure that there was no where a person could sit with out spending any money. Of course Cell didn't have to buy a drink, no one could really throw him out if he didn't, but that felt like cheating and Cell wasn't a cheat! Except when he was competing against little kids who needed to be taught a lesson.

Eventually Cell got sick of his book. He wondered if it was time for his shift yet. Even if it wasn't he was pretty sure it wouldn't take much to persuade Freeza to switch. He was just about to get up when a voice called out to him.

"Cell old buddy!" it announced loudly. Cell froze.

"I know that voice," he said with a hint of dread. Sure enough a short man with messy white hair and sunglasses helped himself to a seat at Cell's table. Ernie Becclostone had arrived.

"How's it going then Cell," asked Ernie cheerfully, "I always wanted to ask you how the Cell games went after you sacked me from my position as its promoter."

"It didn't go very well," muttered Cell, "you could have worked that out yourself seeing as I'm dead."

"Tell me about it!" said Ernie, "last I heard was that most of the Earth didn't even know who really won! I told you it would be a disaster without me, you really should have listened."

"Well you haven't exactly done particularly well for yourself either," snapped Cell, "considering that you're dead. I thought Gohan wished all people I killed back to life."

"I was wished back to life," explained Ernie, "unfortunately I was killed again shortly afterwards. Shot by some guy I had bankrupted! Still it was no big deal. I've actually completed several successful business ventures since I've arrived in Hell. It really is an untapped resource." Cell looked up in surprise, then he looked around to check that he was still in the same Hell before returning his attention to Ernie.

"Untapped resource!" he exclaimed "this dump?"

"Yes it is," declared Ernie cheerfully, "plenty of depressed people willing to do anything you tell them for a bit of cash. It's the ideal place to recruit a cheap work force. I can sell the goods to the rest of the other world at a cut down price and make millions! To use your analogy, I'm doing a bit of recycling."

"I thought fertiliser was the only goods that could be exported from Hell," said Cell suspiciously.

"I theory yes," admitted Ernie, "In practice, a bit of money in someone's back pocket and… well I shouldn't really say that to a police officer now should I?" For a moment Cell considered arresting Ernie. He could easily find some evidence of Ernie's illegal business practices or, failing that, fabricate some. However he quickly realised that it would be a waste of time. Ernie would just bribe Freeza or persuaded Goku, (he was a very good negotiator) to let him go! It would just be a waste of time, a bit like this conversation.

"Well it's been nice catching up," lied Cell, "but I really must be going."

"Wait a sec Cell," said Ernie before the android could hold up, "I didn't just talk to you to catch up!"

"Of course you didn't," sighed Cell sitting back down, "what do you want?"

"Well one of my business ventures is in a spot of difficulty," explained Ernie "So I was intending to call in a favour!"

"A favour!" exclaimed Cell, "Why do I owe you a favour!"

"Well you did kill me," pointed out Ernie.

"I was provoked!" snapped Cell, "You were going to ruin my Cell games! And before you state that they were a disaster without you I have to say that I liked my Cell games! They were perfect!" he paused for a moment, "Except for the result of course." He added quickly.

"Well I if that's the way you feel I guess that I could do you a deal," suggested Ernie…

* * *

Goku had never been to school, thus he had never been berated by a teacher or principle for something he had done wrong. That was until now. Goku may have been fully grown and dead, but the talking to he was getting from Ms Ironstone wasn't too different to one you might hear in the school.

"….I mean what made you think it was okay to do that?" asked Ms Ironstone.

"But I was just trying too-" protested Goku, Ms Ironstone quickly cut him off.

"But nothing!" she snapped, "You do not attack members of my audience! Especially not elderly men with canes. What were you trying to do, ruin me?"

"I was trying to-" began Goku, he was cut off again.

"I hope you have an explanation for this," demanded Ms Ironstone.

"Well if you'd let me finish my sentence I'd give you one!" shouted Goku furiously burning with energy.

"It's far too late for explanations Mr Son," declared Ms Ironstone. Goku paused.

"Wait a second," he said scratching the back of his head nervously, "I'm a little confused. First you told me my actions were wrong whatever, then you demanded an explanation and now you don't want it. I think you should take some deep breaths, calm down and then tell me what you want. That would make this much easier."

"Very well," sneered Ms Ironstone who had clearly not calmed down, "I want you out of this building right now!"

"See it's that clearer," began Goku before he realised what had been said. "WHAT!" he exclaimed once he had, "you can't do that! Who's going to protect Scarlet? She's an important witness in this drugs case! Also if you throw us out we won't have a success to show the report review board and the HIFLPD could be shut down, what good would that do Hell?"

"Why should I care?" demanded Ironstone, "I live in the rich part of Hell where there's no crime. It won't effect me if your shut down, it fact it would be good for me, one less thing on my tax bill!"

"But what about the poorer people of Hell who need us?" protested Goku, desperately. He was making up any old rubbish now.

"You should have thought of them before you tried to ruin my pageant!" snapped Ms Ironstone, "NOW GET-" just then the phone rang. Ms Ironstone answered it.

"WHAT!" she demanded. There where some murmurs from the other end. Ms Ironstone froze, "Oh hello Mr Becclestone sir!" she said quickly in inferior tones, "Yes sir…. But sir they….. I can't….. oh very well…. Good bye." She glared furiously at the now silent phone before slamming it down.

"Bad news?" asked Goku curiously.

"Not for you," said Ms Ironstone, clearly furious, "you've been given a last minute reprieve. Apparently you have friends who know people, so you can get back to work!"

"Really?" exclaimed Goku leaping to his feet and shaking the seething woman's hand, "thank you that's great!"

"Let go of me!" she said icily. Goku let go and turned to leave. Just then the door was opened and a Saibaiman entered the room, carrying some tea on a tray.

"You employ Saibaimen?" asked Goku suddenly.

"Yes," snapped Ironstone, "They do odd jobs for me. There is nothing wrong with that. Now shouldn't you be getting back to your job?"

"Yes I better do that," said Goku thoughtfully walking away.

* * *

"Well," said Ernie smugly, "I held up my end of the bargain and helped out your little police force. So are you going to do me that favour?" Cell sighed heavily.

"What would I have to do?" he reluctantly asked.

* * *

Freeza was waiting when Goku returned to the changing room.

"So how did it go?" he asked faking interest.

"Well," replied Goku, "a strange thing happened while I was in there-" suddenly Freeza cut him off.

"Yes, yes very amusing," he said quickly, "But you know what's more important, I think Scarlet wants to talk to you inside."

"Really," said Goku, "Okay then I better go see what she wants." Going inside. He wasn't sure, but as he closed the door he could have sworn that he heard Freeza laughing. Goku decided to give the Icejin the benefit of the doubt and turned to see what Scarlet wanted.

"Hello Goku," she said sweetly when he came in, "how's it going?"

"Well I've had easier days," admitted Goku, "but I've had harder days too, like the day of the Cell games or the day that Cooler decided to "rearrange" all the police force's paper work. Sill since you haven't been obliterated yet I think I can class it as a success."

"Well you can relax for a bit now," said Scarlet cheerfully. "Could you help me with the zip on the back of this dress?"

"Oh sure," said Goku, "I guess you have to get ready for your next event."

"No it's not for a few hours," said Scarlet seductively, "so we'll have plenty of time together." Goku took this statement at its face value and had a look at the back of Scarlet's dress.

"Err this is already done up," he pointed out, "I can't do it up any more."

"I know," said Scarlet turning round and placing Goku's arms around her. "I was hoping up would help me take it off."

"Errr…" began Goku who was beginning to get uncomfortable, "perhaps it would be best if-" he began but he was cut off yet again.

"There's no need to be shy Goku," said Scarlet, "I know what you want and I want it too."

"Is it dinner time already?" asked Goku.

"In a way," said Scarlet who suddenly leaned in and kissed the startled Saiyan. Somewhere in the back of Goku's rusty and under-used mind, cogs began to whir. Soon they had throw off all the cobwebs and come to some conclusions. Firstly that this probably wasn't diner time. This was eventually followed by a realisation of the obvious. Alarm bells went off in Goku's head. Suddenly he leapt back away form Scarlet.

"Excuse me a sec," he said quickly, "I think I here Freeza's whistle!" With that he raced out of the room.

Of course Freeza had not blown his whistle; he had in fact been listening in by pressing his ear against the wall. He stopped as soon as Goku came out.

"FREEZA," the desperate Saiyan screamed, "you were right about her, she does want to "do it" with me! You've got to help me! What am I going to do?" he finished shaking the Icejin frantically.

"Aren't we forgetting something Goku?" asked Freeza smugly. Goku paused for a moment. Then he quickly grabbed his wallet and handed Freeza a 10 zeni note. Freeza took the note a slowly lifted it up to the light to check that it was real. Once he was satisfied the victorious Icejin turned to Goku.

"Okay then," he said, "what can I do to help?"

_To be Continued…_

Is Freeza really going to help Goku? What horrible task does Ernie Becclestone have in store for Cell? Which one of them will Cooler be irritating and will any of the HIFLPD find time to investigate the drugs allegations? Find out Next chapter.

Please leave all comments, suggestions, constructive criticism etc as a review. Thanks.


	10. The Last Temptation of Goku Part 3

Okay folks I hope you've enjoyed the shorts so far. Sorry I haven't replied to any reviews recently, I've been snowed under with work. Still I must thank CB for the idea behind this story and Maktoa 2112 for beta reading this. Now, on with the show.

* * *

The Last Temptation of Goku Part 3 

Life often presents us with tough decisions, like which course we should study or which job should we take. Some of you might even at one time been faced with a decision like Goku's, being torn between two women/men depending on your sex/orientation (let's be politically correct here). If you have been may I be the first to say….

"YOU LUCKY BASTARD!" snapped Freeza furiously. "I can't believe that you have two women!"

"What do you mean?" asked Goku slightly confused, "last chapter you were so sure of it you put a bet on it!"

"Okay I can believe it," grumbled Freeza, "but that doesn't mean I have to like it! It shouldn't be allowed, you should at least leave some women for the rest of us."

"Well I'm not exactly thrilled!" snapped Goku, "How am I supposed to deal with this. It's a really awkward situation!"

"It's not exactly difficult," said Freeza huffily, "All you have to do is go in there and give her a damn good seeing to!"

"I'm not doing that!" declared Goku.

"Why not?" asked Freeza, "I'll be fun, it's what I would do."

"Well that's one good reason!" snapped Goku.

"Give me another one!" demanded Freeza angrily.

"I'm happily married!" said Goku, "there's no way I could betray Chi-Chi like that!"

"Oh be serious Goku," said Freeza, "no one is that happily married. This could be the only chance you ever get to sleep with a super model! You've got to take it!"

"No I don't!" declared Goku, "it doesn't matter how hot Scarlet is, or how much part of me wants to, I can't do this! It would cost me everything I hold dear: my wife, my kid-"

"Kids" corrected Freeza.

"-Kids," continued Goku, "my friend's respect, my self-respect, my halo!"

"Really," said Freeza, sounding far too interested for Goku's liking, "you could be sent to Hell for this, be a common Police officer like me and Cell. Ooooh I have to get you here on a permanent basis now." Freeza leapt forwards and pushed Goku towards the door. The desperate Saiyan grabbed onto the door frame for dear life forcing the Icejin away.

"Please Freeza!" he pleaded, "don't do this!"

"Oh that brings back memories," said Freeza happily, "remember what happened last time you said that."

"I think it went something like this!" snapped Goku, turning into a Super Saiyan and smacking Freeza head-first into the opposing wall.

"Yup!" said Freeza dizzily, "that was exactly how it went."

"Right," said Goku, "I'm getting out of here!"

"You can't leave!" exclaimed Freeza, "we'll be understaffed, there's no way me and Cooler will be able/bothered to protect Scarlet properly. I know you don't want that on your conscience!"

"Darn it, you're right," said Goku, he thought for a moment. "Cooler!" he ordered at last, "go in there and make an excuse for me, I don't care what it is. Freeza and I will take over out here okay?"

"Taxi at 6pm got it," declared Cooler cheerfully, "would you like fries with that?"

"Just get in there!" snapped Goku shoving Cooler through the door. He quickly closed it behind the Icejin and turned to Freeza. "Freeza, you've got to help me!"

"I don't see why," said Freeza, "I mean you did give me a black eye just now."

"Would you like another one to match it?" asked Goku surprisingly threatening.

"Crumbs, this must be really important to you," exclaimed Freeza, "you usually only use that voice when a planet is in danger. Fine I'll help, on one condition."

"Seems fair," said Goku "what is it?"

"If you ever get wished back to life for some reason," said Freeza, "you know, to stop an evil blob of pink goo destroying the universe for example, you'll leave me, not Cell in charge of the HIFLPD, okay?"

"Sure," said Goku, "I'll do that, now here's what you have to do for me. You have to tell me how you make women hate you."

"I beg your pardon!" exclaimed Freeza, "What makes you think women hate me?"

"The fact that they tend to slap you only thirty seconds after you've met!" said Goku. "I need you to teach me how you do that!"

"That doesn't happen!" snapped Freeza, "I'm great with women. Watch!" Freeza wandered over to the nearest contestant, a very attractive Icejin. "Hey bab- OWWWW that's a sensitive area bitch OWWWW!" Freeza staggered back to Goku. "Okay," he conceded, "you might have a point."

"So do we have a deal?" asked Goku.

"Sure I'll teach you," said Freeza grudgingly, "okay let's see…." The Icejin stood in silent thought while Goku got out a pen and some paper to make notes. "Ar yes," Freeza announced at last, "the best way to piss off a woman is too sleep with another woman behind her back and then let her find out!"

"Right," said Goku beginning to write it down, suddenly he stopped. "Wait a second that's the situation I'm trying to avoid you idiot!"

"Okay, okay," grumbled Freeza. The Icejin thought for a while again. "Years of abuse and oppression of her home planet tends to make them mad too," he suggested at last.

"I don't have years Freeza," snapped Goku, "I need Scarlet to stop liking me today. Why don't you tell me some of your pick up lines, you know the ones that never work."

"Errr I'm not sure they'll do you any good," said Freeza.

"Why not?" asked Goku.

"Because Scarlet probably wants you to tell her that she has a nice arse," pointed out Freeza, "However if she was to hear you say it to lots of other women, then it might well put her off."

"Are you sure there's no other way to do this," asked Goku, "I don't want to look like a jerk."

"You've got to be rude to be kind," said Freeza, "Now shout something suggestive to that woman."

"OI MIIII- I can't do this Freeza," said Goku sadly, "it's just not me."

"Very well," said Freeza, "I'll go book a motel room for you a Scarlet and a lawyer for you and Chi-Chi!"

"HEY MISS NICE HAIR!" bellowed Goku suddenly, "HAVING IT UP LIKE THAT REALLY SUITS YOU!" The women look round towards Goku.

"Why thank you," she said, "I think so too." Then she giggled and hurried off.

"I did it!" exclaimed Goku. "Hang on a second, why didn't see get mad?"

"Because your line was awful!" snapped Freeza, "remember you're hitting on her, not complimenting her! I think it's about time you watched the master at work! But pay attention because I'm only going to do this once… well maybe twice."

* * *

Cell sat in a changing room scribbling on a piece of paper. Suddenly the door flew open and Ernie Becclestone burst in.

"Don't you know how to knock?" asked Cell, "I could have been in the nude."

"You are in the nude," said Ernie bluntly, "I fact your practically always nude!"

"Well then there's even more reason to knock," said Cell who hated to be proved wrong.

"I don't have time for this," snapped Ernie, "you're on in thirty minutes and I need to make sure that you're ready."

"Almost," said Cell, "I'm just finishing off my answers for the interview."

"Finishing them off?" exclaimed Ernie leaning over Cell's shoulder. "Why are you writing new answers, I gave you answers to use."

"I didn't like them," said Cell bluntly, "they weren't really me. So I'm writing some new ones!" Ernie skim-read Cell's answers.

"Those are awful!" he said, "you can't read that, everyone will laugh at you!"

"Everyone's going to laugh at me anyway!" pointed out Cell, "So I don't see what difference it makes."

"I makes a difference to this show's credibility!" snapped Ernie, "These answers go against everything it stands for! I must insist that you use my answers or I'll-"

"You'll what?" said Cell calmly, "You'll never be able to find another person, put them through make up and get them prepared in half an hour. So it's me or nothing. Your choice." Ernie stared at him in a state of shock.

"When did you learn to negotiate like that?" he demanded.

"From you mainly," said Cell, delighted that the boot was on the other foot for once, "and I've had a lot of practice since I joined the police. I'm our official negotiator."

"Oh," said Ernie, "well that explains all the violent solutions to hostage situations recently."

"Well you can hardly expect me to be brilliant the first time out," protested Cell, "besides we usually save most of the hostages."

"Oh well that makes me feel a lot safer," said Ernie sarcastically. "I hope you do better at this," he continued, "I don't want anyone to know that I picked you up at the last minute. So have you learnt the routine?"

"Yes," said Cell smugly.

"Have you remembered your cues?"

"All done,"

"Have you… errr…." said Ernie trying to think of something else, "put on your speedo?"

"I'll do it in a minute," said Cell, calmly.

"You better!" snapped Ernie clearly glad to have found something he could pick up, "I'll see you in twenty-five minutes sharp!" With that Ernie hurried out the room. Cell watched him go before returning his attention to the questions.

"What would be your perfect night out?" he read out loud, "Well that's easy, negotiating with a man who has taken Ernie Becclestone hostage…."

* * *

Despite what Vegeta might say about Goku's intelligence it has to be said that he is a quick learner. Thus it only took a few demonstrations from Freeza and a quick flick through the Icejin's book of pick up lines for Goku to be able to shout;

"Nice arse, miss!" at passing women like the worst kind of alpha male.

"Shove off, creep!" snapped the woman, a rather mild replied all things considered.

"This great!" exclaimed Goku turning to Freeza, "I've only be doing this for five minutes and already twenty women think I'm a complete jerk! My marriage is saved."

"I guess so," said Freeza thoughtfully. Having had the opportunity of watching someone else use his lines on women it had finally occurred to him just how useless they were.

"Maybe it's about time I came up with some better lines" he thought, "or at least use a better fragrance!"

"Okay Freeza I think I'm ready," said Goku determinedly, "let's put your plan into action!" Freeza nodded and wondered over to the changing room door. He opened it just a crack and hurried back to Goku.

"Okay then follows my lead," he said, just then a group of women walked past. "You look tired Mamm!" called Freeza, "how about having a sit down, on my lap!"

"We could take some wait off those hot legs of yours," added Goku, sounding not entirely natural, "or perhaps I could make you weak in the knees!" The woman turned away in disgust. Freeza laughed as though it was no big deal, prodding Goku to get the Saiyan to join in.

"Nice work," said Freeza, "now let's find another target."

The two police officers carried on complementing passer by's looks in an inappropriate manor for a couple more minutes. In this time they earned themselves a lot of disgusted looks, plenty of insults and the occasional slap. I would tell you what they said but this story is only rated T. Of course all of this was bound to attract the attention of the occupants of the changing room sooner or later…

"What's going on out here," she demanded emerging from the changing room, "I'm trying to listen to Cooler's proof of a dodecahedron shaped Universe. Goku what are you doing?"

"Oh nothing," replied Goku automatically. Freeza elbowed him in the ribs, "that I wouldn't do normally," he added quickly, "hitting on women is one of my favourite hobbies," he finished descending into a robotic voice.

"Really?" exclaimed Scarlet rather shocked.

"Well that's Goku for you," said Freeza supportively "he's a real lad's lad!"

"I thought you said that he was really shy!" probed Scarlet.

"Did I?" asked Freeza innocently.

"Yes did you?" asked Goku with more then a hint of anger.

"Yes you did!" snapped Scarlet.

"Oh yeah!" said Freeza suddenly, "I did didn't I, what a great joke that was, it really fooled you!"

"We'll talk about that later!" hissed Goku before turning to Scarlet, "yep, I'm your regular kind of guy! I'm all testosterone and errr… sports." Scarlet looked at him sternly. Goku gulped and tried to look away with out actually looking away.

"I'm not buying it," said Scarlet at last. "This doesn't seem in character with the rest of the day."

"This is a funny story," pointed out Freeza, "no one's in character. Why do you think my brother has plugged his tail into that light socket?"

"I'm a light bulb!" declared Cooler happily. Scarlet gave the nutter a quick glance before turning back to Freeza.

"Well if he's a light bulb he should be in the light socket," she declared, "but I see no reason to believe that Goku is a lad's lad."

"Course I am!" said Goku desperately, "Look I drink lots of beer...err…I fart all the time… I hoot at women, any woman… like that one! Nice cans miss!"

"That's nice cans MS!" snapped a familiar voice. Goku went whiter then a sheet.

"I-I wasn't talking about your c-cans!" exclaimed Goku hurriedly. "Not that there not nice, in there own way but errrr…."

"Silence!" snapped Ms Ironstone. "Now I've had a complaint from an anonymous observer that you two have been behaving inappropriately! Again!"

"Which pathetic girl did that?" demanded Freeza, "I mean who would complain about a little harmless fun."

"And!" continued Ms Ironstone firmly, "I received ninety-seven complaints from competitors."

"Wow ninety-seven complaints," mused Goku, "you're a good teacher Freeza."

"Well you don't conquer half the galaxy with out having some talent," said Freeza modestly.

"So you're proud of it are you?" demanded Ms Ironstone.

"Err…" said Goku thinking quickly, "Of course we are! You see it was a cunning ploy to fool people into thinking we were distracted so we could draw the assassin out and catch him or something like that." He finished lamely.

"And it must have been working really well if it fooled you!" added Freeza trying to inject new life into the excuse.

"Yes," said Ms Ironstone coldly, "pity it didn't work nearly as well as that excuse. Do you think I'm-" but she was interrupted by Scarlet hugging Goku.

"I knew it!" she declared happily, "you're not a lad! Now coming into the changing room and be sensitive!"

"Freeza!" screamed Goku helplessly.

"Hark!" said Freeza quickly putting his hand too his ear, "is that the sound of assassins around the corner! We've got to go get them! Come on Goku let's go!" With that he grabbed the startled Saiyan and raced off down the corridor.

"Hey" snapped Scarlet, "I wasn't done yet! Come back here!" and she began to give chase.

"How dare you run off when I'm about to throw you out," screamed Ms Ironstone at the same time. "I'm going to get rid of you even if I have to do it myself." And she ran off too. This of course left Cooler alone, swinging from the light fixing.

"Silly humans" he thought, "I don't know why I bother giving light to them…"

* * *

Thanks to youth, years of training, suitable footwear and a twelve second head start Goku and Freeza quickly lost their pursuers. Goku could have kept running all day but Freeza needed breather.

"Thanks for that Freeza," said Goku, "you really got me out a jam there. Odd, that's something I never thought I would say."

"Well perhaps you will remember that when your considering my pay rise," said Freeza helpfully.

"Err sure," said Goku, "what now?"

"We should find somewhere to hide till everyone calms down," said Freeza, "how about in here?" he suggested gesturing to a door behind them.

"Good idea," said Goku. Our heroes quietly slipped through the door and into a theatre. The room was almost full, but Goku and Freeza were able to find themselves a pair of seats in one of the middle rows. It was dark and the seats had high backs. It was the ideal hiding place.

"No one should be able to find us here as long as we're discrete," whispered Goku.

"Yeah," agreed Freeza. He paused and looked around. "What are we watching anyway?" Goku a Freeza looked at the stage. There was a beautiful woman with a microphone to one side of the stage. Next to her stood a huge man wearing a Speedo and doing some sort of dance to loud rock music.

"Hey," said Goku cheerfully, "looks like we've found some sort of fighting tournament."

"Oh good," said Freeza, "I'm in the mood to see someone getting torn to pieces by wild animals!" Goku stared at him. "What?" exclaimed Freeza, "what kind of fighting tournaments did you watch?"

"Never mind," said Goku. Just then the woman spoke into the microphone.

"Thank you Mr Shikk," she announced calmly. Mr Shikk waved and left the stage. "Boy the competition is really hotting up now isn't it," continued the announcer, "I wonder if our next competitor can mach that. Well let's find out, because here he is, it's Mr Earth!"

Goku and Freeza jumped as a huge noise of cheers a whistles erupted from the, apparently, mainly female audience.

"Earth," exclaimed Goku over the screams and music, "that's my home; I wonder who could be representing us?"

Just then a curtain at the back of the stage flew open to revel Cell. The evil Android stood in a spectacular pose, clearly flexing his muscles as much as he could. After a brief silence, filled with comments like; "what exactly is he"; and; "I had heard those earthlings were weird," the crowd decided to start cheering.

"Hey that's not fair!" snapped Goku, "how did Cell manage to enter this tournament? He's supposed to be working! That little skiver!"

"Err" said Freeza, "I don't think this is a fighting tournament, Goku," he finished gesturing to the stage. At that moment Cell came out of his pose and started to move to the music. He flexed and stepped his way across the ring with the kind of pose power a grace you would expect from the perfect being. Well that's what a dance instructor would tell you. Goku said something very different.

"What on Hell is he doing!?" he burst out in shock, "and what is he wearing?"

"He's wearing something?" exclaimed Freeza, "Oh yeah he is, that's a speedo Goku. As for what he's doing, I think he's trying to dance!"

"But why is he doing that?" asked Goku, "Unless he's entered in a…" Goku pause trying hard to contain himself.

"I have a programme here," said Freeza, smiling broadly as he showed it to Goku.

"We shouldn't laugh," said Goku carefully after a pause.

"Yes," agreed Freeza, "that would be petty."

"But Freeza," pointed out Goku, "you are petty!"

"Oh well in that case…"

Eventually the music died down and Cell finished his dance. He thought it had gone rather well. His perfect body was clearly well adjusted to the rhythmic movement. He had even got a bunch of the women watching to scream for him.

"Poor girls," he thought, "they just can't resist perfection, or they're scared witless. Either way it's all good. Something is bothering me though, what was that strange cackling sound in the back ground. "

"Mr Earth, please come over here," called the presenter. Cell obliged. He strolled over to the presenter (whose name was Miss Brecon according to Ernie) and perched on a tall stool that had been set up next to a microphone.

"Well," said Miss Brecon with a smile and voice sweeter the sugar, "I'm sure we were all impressed with your moves there," she pause allowing a few moments for the audience to cheer and scream (and for that cackle to remerge) before continuing, "but now we'd like to spend a few moments getting to know the real you."

"No stick with the fake you!" called a voice from the audience, "it's preferable!" Cell froze, he was sure that he recognised that voice, unfortunately he had no time to look for its source as Miss Brecon had professionally ignored the heckling and asked the first question.

"Mr Earth, why do you think that you are the best man in Hell?" she asked followed by an impossibly large smile.

"Well Miss Brecon, may I call you Sally?" began Cell in his smoothest and most friendly voice.

"Certainly," said Sally with professional friendliness.

"Well Sally," Cell began again, "I believe I am the perfect man because I'm asexual. Thus a woman need not fear any ulterior motive when I'm with them. I ask them if they've read a good book recently it's because I genuinely want to know! Further more I have no sexuality to get insecure about so I'd be perfectly happy to go to a ballet, art gallery or fashion show. In fact I'd probably enjoy them!"

"Well that's a different answer," said Sally thoughtfully, "but I liked it! Okay let's try the next question, what do you look for in a woman?"

"Well," said Cell thoughtfully, "I like a woman who is witty, intelligent and generally pleasant company."

"Aren't you concerned about looks," asked Sally in shock. Cell resisted the temptation to scold her for already forgetting that he was asexual. Instead he calmly;

"They are of secondary importance to me," he said, "You should see the ugly guys I hang out with most of the time, anyone would be better than that." There was a charitable laugh from the audience, quickly followed by two cries of "WHAT!" Cell looked into the audience see where it had come from. It didn't take him very long; Freeza was standing on a seat glaring at him.

"I'm ugly!" bellowed Freeza from the audience, "you're the one who makes small children cry just by looking at them!"

"Actually you do that too," pointed out Goku.

"No I don't!" snapped Freeza, "I steal their ice-cream first, then they cry!"

"See," said Cell turning back to Sally, "those are the kind of charmless yobs I have to put up with. A woman's civility would really improve my life."

"You like women!" exclaimed Goku, "that's a good one. How many women did you kill in your quest to become "perfect"?"

"The same as the number of men I killed," replied Cell quickly, "so I'm clearly indiscriminate!"

"That's a bunch of crap!" began Freeza "didn't you say the other day that-" but he was interrupted by a sudden shout from the wings of the stage.

"THERE THEY ARE!" boomed Ms Ironstone who had been joined by several large security men, "GET THEM!"

"Uh oh!" said Freeza as though he'd just wet himself.

"So much for lying low," added Goku leaping out of his seat and hurrying down the aisle. This of course involved a lot of saying "Excuse me, pardon me, sorry is that your foot," before the two police officers could charge off again. Cell watched them go before sighing heavily.

"Wasn't I made to enter this competition to avoid that?" he thought. "Oh well, since I've entered I might as well try to win."

"Did I mention," he said coolly into the mike, regaining Sally and the audience's attention, "that Jane Austin is my favourite author…"

* * *

"Do you think we lost them?" asked Goku as they raced down another corridor.

"I don't know," said Freeza, "perhaps we should try running around in circles and seeing if we catch them up, again!"

"That was not my fault!" snapped Goku. "This place is really poorly sign-posted!"

"You managed to find the canteen alright!" snapped Freeza, "I've never know anyone to take a break from running away to have a snack!"

"Why not," asked Goku "you'll run a lot faster with a good meal behind you."

"I tend to find that you run faster if there's something really scary behind you," said Freeza. Just then they came to a corridor full of changing rooms.

"Right," said Goku, "we better find somewhere else to hide."

"Yes," agreed Freeza, "somewhere with out Cell dancing in a Speedo! I amazed that you could eat after that!"

"Shut up!" snapped Goku, "I was trying to forget about that!" Just then there was a shout from around the corner.

"Help me help me!" cried a female voice in stereotypical damsel in distress tones, "There's an evil drug dealer hired assassin trying to kill me."

"Well he can't be very good," muttered Freeza. "If I was trying to kill someone they wouldn't have time to make such a clumsy scream!"

"Is that the same kind of not having enough time as in I didn't have enough time to get off Namek before it exploded?" asked Goku, smugly.

"Well Mr Hero," snapped Freeza, "if you're so good at saving people why don't you go help her?"

"I can't go help her!" exclaimed Goku, "That sounds like Scarlet. I can't save her because afterwards she'll want to… to congratulate me and stuff!"

"I hate to break this to you Goku," pointed out Freeza, "but it's your job."

"No it isn't technically," said Goku, "my job is to make sure that you do your job! So I order you to go save her! Don't worry I'll help," he continued pointing down the other corridor, "I'll go down here and cut the assassin off if he tries to run okay." And with that the Saiyan ran off.

"Wait a second!" called Freeza as Goku ran off, "I don't think those corridors link up…" but Goku was long gone. "Oh screw it!" snapped Freeza, "I guess it's up to me to be the hero… for the first time actually, so I can't complain too much." With that Freeza ran around the corner towards the screams. "Never fear!" he declared leaping dramatically into the scene, "Freeza's he- COOLER!"

"You talking to me," asked Cooler standing in the middle of the corridor blowing bubbles with his spit.

"What are you doing here!" demanded Freeza, "Where's Scarlet and the assassin."

"All you'll get from me is my name, rank and personnel number!" declared Cooler, "I shall never crack! Not even under torture!"

"Oh no not this again!" grumbled Freeza, "Fine!" he declared turning away, "I don't want to know!"

"The nice lady said she would give me a biscuit if I stood here and did an impression of her in trouble!" said Cooler happily.

"What? Scarlet told you to do that?!" exclaimed Freeza, "so if she isn't here, where is she? Oh no, I've just had a nasty, yet amusing thought…"

* * *

Goku hurried down the corridor. He didn't get very far before two things occurred to him. Firstly that Freeza was right, these corridors didn't link up. Secondly that someone had grabbed his collar. Goku skidded to a halt as he was choked by his own shirt. He quickly swung round to see who his assailant was. It wasn't good news.

"Hi handsom!" said Scarlet seductively, "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me."

"Err I think it's a packet of Sweets actually," said Goku nervously, "You could have one if you like….Only I can't reach into that pocket with you standing so close…"

"Don't worry," purred Scarlet, "I'll help myself."

"Okay," said Goku sweating profusely, "You do that, it'll be quicker… Then I can go back and help that other woman who sounds a lot like you and must be in trouble you know…"

"Oh don't worry about that," interrupted Scarlet, as Goku tried to back away, "That was just something I set up so that we could be alone. I don't want anyone to interrupt us while I practice for the talent round. Do you know what my talent is?"

"Is it cooking?" asked Goku hoping beyond hope. Scarlet shook her head as Goku backed into a wall.

"I'll show you," she declared moulding her self up against the paralysed Saiyan and kissing him on the lips. Almost all of Goku gave in and prepared to do what his natural instincts were telling him too. All except one hand with desperately reached out to grab something that wasn't Scarlet. It found a door handle. The hand quickly opened the door causing both Goku and Scarlet to fall into the room on the other side. This didn't help matters however.

"An empty changing room!" gasped Scarlet delightedly, "This'll be really private, you do think of everything don't you!"

"Yes," said Goku rapidly leaping to his feet, "I do. And I think it might be even more private in…" the Saiyan rapidly look around for a window, a door, an air vent, any sort of exit. Finding nothing Goku improvised and charged head first though the nearest wall. He smashed strait though it into a closet that was on the other side. Moments later he smashed his way out of the closet, tripping over most of its contents and landing in a heap upon the floor of the neighbouring changing room. The man already occupying the new changing room looked surprised to see Goku.

"Oh I'm sorry," said Goku quickly, "Looks like you're already in here, I guess this isn't more private after all. I'll be going then-" just then he noticed what he had knocked out of the closet. There were hundreds and hundreds of packets of white powder. "Hold on a second what is this stuff."

"Err talcum powder!" said the man quickly. Goku looked at it closer.

"This isn't talcum powder," he declared, "it's cocaine! It says so right here on the label. Which means you must be the drug dealer!" he declared delightedly. "I might have known that it would be you… err who are you?"

"I'm off!" declared the man, running for the door. He didn't quite make it before the door flew open and hit him in the face. Mr Off, if that was his real name, collapsed into a heap on the floor.

"I've found him!" declared Cooler, "and the picture's going to be perfect!"

Excellent!" declared Freeza, jumping into the doorway with a camera held high, "Wait until Chi-what ever it is, sees- wait a minute, this isn't incriminating at all!"

"I know," said Cooler making notes on a pad "but it is the perfect example of a standing Saiyan. Look at its poise and grace. What an amazing creature it is. It's hard to believe that one day they will evolve into dinosaurs."

"Shut up Cooler!" snapped Freeza, pushing the budding natural scientist to one side.

"I thought you might like to know that I caught the drug dealer," declared Goku proudly pointing to the man on the floor, "You know what that means?"

"That, Scarlet is now safe and we don't have to stay here anymore obviously," snapped Freeza, "honestly I think you could have worked that one out yourself." Goku was about to say something when Scarlet came up behind him.

"You saved me Goku!" she declared with a mixture of relief and determination, "let's go celebrate, in private." She went to grab Goku's hand but the Saiyan jumped out the way.

"Sorry Scarlet," he lied, "but I don't have time for that. I have to get Mr Off to jail then I have to do some patrolling etc." he continued picking up the unconscious Mr Off "There's a lot of Hell you see and not very many police officers. I'll call you sometime though."

"Call me!" exclaimed Scarlet, "but you don't have my number."

"Oh that's okay," said Goku, "because I don't have a phone."

"What about the office ph- OW!" exclaimed Cooler.

"Ooops," said Goku, "I'm so sorry Cooler, I didn't see your tail there."

"Apology accepted," said Cooler cheerfully.

"Great," said Goku, "now RUN!"

* * *

A few hours later Goku, Freeza and the Cell Jrs were sitting in the HIFLPD police station drinking coco. This is something retired people usually do but since Goku and Freeza hadn't lived long enough to retire they had decided to do it now.

"Well what a day that was," mused Goku, "but I think it was quite successful. We arrested that drug lord, I didn't give into temptation, we managed to get Cooler back in the cupboard…."

"I got slapped a record number of times," added Freeza apparently quite pleased about the fact.

" …and we had that great breakfast at Cooler's restaurant," completed Goku.

"Gaaaak!" interrupted a Cell Jr, Goku thought it was D.

"Oh yeah and the Cell Jrs stopped a run away train carrying nuclear waste from crashing and leaving Hell city uninhabitable for thousands of years," added Goku as though it was no big deal.

"And best of all we finished early," said Freeza.

"No," corrected Goku, "best of all we have a great successes to show the Kios! This is two major criminals we've taken down in two stories, I mean months. They'll never be able to shut us down now, as long as Ms Ironstone doesn't tell them about how we ruined the pageant."

"I don't think she will," said Freeza calmly, "well not for a few months anyway."

"How come," asked Goku, Freeza merely smiled. This of course made Goku suspicious. "Freeza what did you do?" he demanded.

"Nothing really," said Freeza innocently. "Well you remember when you where tying Mr Off up in the back of the car as we were leaving. Well Ms Ironstone wasn't very keen for us to leave with her having another shout at us or something like that. Anyway she was a little too slow at, well, getting out of the way…"

"So that's what those bumps were," mused Goku. "We better send her a get well soon card, so there are no hard feelings."

"I'm not sure that a get well soon card is really going to make everything better Goku," said Freeza, "It would probably be better to say nothing and hope she's too brain damaged to remember anything about us."

"That's not very nice Freeza," said Goku, "I know we got off on the wrong foot with her but I'm sure she would be a nice and forgiving woman if we just showed her some kindness."

"Oh for crying out loud Goku," snapped Freeza, "When will you give up this "there's good in everyone" belief of yours. It's incredibly annoying!"

"You're only annoyed because you haven't been evil enough to prove me wrong," declared Goku smugly. Freeza thought for a moment.

"Yes you're right Goku," he admitted at last. "There's good in everyone even me. So I'll sign your get well soon card…. When you call Scarlet."

"What!" exclaimed Goku, almost leaping out of his chair, "I'm not calling that crazy girl!"

"But Goku," said Freeza with false innocence "you promised you would. Surely that wasn't a lie?"

"Well, it might have been a little one," admitted Goku, "I mean it wasn't that I didn't like Scarlet, she was a nice person. It's just she was a…"

"Manipulative slut," suggested Freeza.

"Those aren't the words I would have used," said Goku, "but otherwise…Yeah."

"Tut tut Goku," said Freeza critically, "you're hardly setting a good example to the Cell Jrs about how to treat woman." Goku paused and looked down at the Cell Jrs who were all staring at him expectantly.

"Err… don't worry kids," he said at last, "not all woman are "manipulative sluts" like Scarlet."

"No matter how much I wish they were," muttered Freeza, "and that I had something they might want to manipulate me for…"

"There are lots of nice men and women out there for you to find when you get old enough. Trust me. Like my wife Chi-Chi…"

"Bad example Goku," interrupted Freeza, "She's hardly a nice delicate flower!"

"I still love her!" snapped Goku angrily.

"You love rice cakes too," retorted Freeza, "that's hardly a sign of good taste."

"Well Freeza since you've completely ruined my moral for this story perhaps you'd like to suggest your own!" snapped Goku.

"It's not my job to lecture these kids!" grumbled Freeza, "it's Cell's. Where is that neglectful jerk anyway?" Just then, as it on cue the door opened and, surprise surprise, Cell walked in carrying an enormous trophy.

"Hello losers!" he declared cheerfully. Goku and Freeza look at him and then turned back to their coco. "Well," demanded Cell impatiently, "Aren't you going to ask me about the trophy."

"Aren't you going to tell us anyway," retorted Freeza.

"Yes I am," snapped Cell, "you see according to a panel of judges, backed up by a telephone vote, I'm the most desirable man in hell. Apparently the ladies love a sensitive, caring, biologically perfect man in uniform. Of course this means that an asexual android is more of a man then you losers."

"Why are we losers?" asked Freeza, "When we didn't waste our afternoon prancing around in a Speedo."

"Because you're going to spend your evening looking after my kids and drinking coco while I'm going on a date!" declared Cell, "It's with the winner of the Miss HIFL contest too at the best restaurant in town."

"What's the taking you honey?" asked a familiar voice, "are we at the restaurant yet?" Goku instantly ducked down into his chair so that he couldn't be seen as Scarlet entered the room.

"Of course we are," said Cell coolly taking her arm, "just though this door." Cell opened the door of a particular closet. He was immediately greeted by hundreds on camera flashes from the media that had assembled on the other side, apparently in a street. Cell and Scarlet smiled professionally and walked into the closet, across the street and to the entrance of the restaurant where the head waiter was standing.

"Ah, Mr Bond," said Cooler warmly, "what a pleasant surprise, we have been expecting you. May I show you two to your table?" It was at this point that Goku closed the closet door.

"Cell's going out with Scarlet!" he exclaimed, "how can that be possible…I mean he's a complete freak!"

"Someone sounds jealous," laughed Freeza, he paused for a moment, "and it's not just me!"

"I'm not jealous!" snapped Goku, "Just a little irritated that she went off me so quickly!"

"At least she was on you for a while," grumbled Freeza, "I never even get far enough for a woman to go off me! Still I don't think Scarlet will have as good an evening as she hopes."

"Why not?" asked Goku.

"Because Cell's asexual" began Freeza, "so he's cellibate!" he finished beaming at Goku and the Cell Jrs.

"Freeza," said Goku, "Don't give up the day job."

* * *

Okay I've finally finished the chapter. I have to admit that I have run out of steam with the shorts right now and I need a break from it for a while. Thus I have decided to write an all new humour story in the DBZ section which I hope to shortly after the New Year. I hope you'll join me for that. Once I've finish it I hope to be ready to take on the shorts again as there are still a bunch of your suggestions I want to turn into chapters.

Still while I'm taking this break I'll do some credits. I'd like to thank Maktoa 2112 for beta reading this story, my brother, Writer-Person, Happyface101, densetsu no super saiyajin, asdfghjkl, ChaosGhidorah, katanbuilder3, aquasage, Vablatzky, Witch of Erie Knoll, Zaya Ayame, CB, baka chibi (cooler is in his fourth form for you), Blaze ocean dragon, onedrunkwriter, chaos-bardock, jessiegurl2, Sanne-chan, for all your reviews suggestions and imput, Akira Toriyama for creating Dragonball Z and everyone who has read this story. You make it all worth while. See you soon.


	11. The Beautiful Game

Hi I'm back at last, it's been along time. I had a severe case of exams and writer's block. Anyway I'm back and so is your favourite police force which operates in Hell. I'm not aware of any other police force which operates in hell so this must be true… if not correct me. Anyway before I start I must thank Makota 2112 for beta reading this and the people of Glasgow, who no longer act like this, and the people of Italy, who sadly still do…

(P.S. if your American I must point out that when I write Football I mean Soccer and that this also might be a bit of an education.)

* * *

The Beautiful Game

If you where to watch TV you would get the impression that being a police officer was the most exciting job in the world. Every week there would be a huge robbery, high profile kidnapping or brutal group of serial killings putting our heroes in a race against time to catch the culprit. To do this would require a car chase; an argument with their uptight boss and some serious rule breaking, but in the end justice would be done, in spectacular last minute fashion. Of course real police work is nothing like this, big crimes are quite rare and most of the small ones are solved over a few months via DNA testing and other slow processes. Car chases are for driving offences like speeding or being untaxed, and are mostly very short. And you can forget about breaking the rules; there's far too much paper work to fill out before you can do that! Yes most Police work is dull, repetitive, frustrating and thankless (or it's paper work). There is one particular job that is all these things, yet strangely it is Cell and Freeza's favourite.

Come on you arsehole!" screamed Freeza, "Tackle him!!! No don't let him pass it though you legs! Bollocks he's going to shoot…. Oh he pasted it to Schevniko, no need to worry then." He was promptly proved right as the ball sailed over the bar.

"I'd thank you not to mock Ranger's star striker!" snapped Cell.

"Oooohhh I'm sorry," mocked Freeza, "I suppose I should be thanking him really, Celtic wouldn't be top of the premiership if he hadn't missed so many sitters! Seventy million Zeni, he was worth every penny wasn't he Cell?"

"Well excuse me for supporting a team who try to bring a bit of quality to the football field" snapped Cell.

" 'Try' being the operative word" declared Freeza smugly.

"While your lot," continued Cell unfazed, "are so dirty they would disgrace a pig sty, or a strip joint. Which is a shame because that's where most of them seem to hang out before games."

"That's just a dumb tabloid rumour," snapped Freeza, "Carlton keeps pigs because he likes bacon! The press are just jealous of our success."

"That's impossible," retorted Cell, "because no one could be jealous of you Celtic losers!"

"Losers!" screamed Freeza, "Oh I can't wait for them to kick Ranger's arse, because then you can kiss mine."

"I wouldn't touch your arse if I was wearing a radiation suit!" barked Cell, "However once Rangers shatter your dreams I'd be happy to do the same to your sk- hang on something is missing from this conversation," he suddenly declared.

"You're right," mused Freeza. "Oh I know!" They both turned to look at Goku who was standing a few feet away with his back to the match looking into the crowd.

"Err isn't this the part where you're supposed tell us to do our jobs," probed Cell. "You know say something like; "You too could at least pretend to be watching the crowd" or "we're not here to watch football we're here to stop crime" etc…"

"Oh that!" exclaimed Goku, "I gave up on that during the first half! I was so busy shouting at you two that no one was watching the crowd!"

"What about Cooler?" asked Freeza?

"He's busy refereeing the game!" snapped Goku.

"Well they say you have to be mad to want to do it these days," mused Cell.

"Still you could try to correct us," snapped Freeza.

"Why" asked Goku.

"For the readers of course!" snapped Freeza, "how are they going to pick up the main conflict of the story unless you get involved!"

"Well it's not my fault they came in late!" snapped Goku, "Besides they are the lucky ones, they haven't had to stand through the last 60 minutes of this boring game."

"What!" gasped Cell, "how dare you describe the beautiful game like that?"

"Beautiful game!" exclaimed Goku, "its 22 men running around and occasionally kicking a ball into a net, how can that be beautiful?"

"Easy!" snapped Freeza, "look at their fluent movement, their synchronized passing and there swerving shots. What's not beautiful about that?" Just then two players slid in for the same ball, colliding with all the grace of a car crash.

"Nothing I guess," said Goku who was still watching the crowd.

"Except that Freeza just made it sound gay!" muttered Cell, earning him a hard glare from Freeza.

"Fine the game is okay," said Goku "but that's all it is; a game! Yet if you looked into this crowd you'd think it was a matter of life and death! Everyone takes this far too seriously!"

"Says the monkey who spent six years of his life training non-stop for two martial arts tournaments!" retorted Freeza.

"Well since Tien and Piccolo tried to kill me at those tournaments they were a matter of life and death," replied Goku. "Yet a fight never broke out in the crowd there, well apart from the time Master Roshi blasted the Crain Hermit, but otherwise no one got punched, or threw a bottle at anyone and there wasn't a riot after every match!"

"Oh those are just a bit of high spirits!" declared Freeza.

"High spirits which trashed this entire neighbourhood last time!" snapped Goku "I swear most of the people just come here to start a fight!"

"Of course Goku you've never done anything violent in your life!" said Cell "Freeza and I are living testaments to that. Oh wait we're dead!"

"Firstly, I didn't kill either of you," said Goku, "and secondly I fought you two because you were trying to destroy planets, not because you were wearing the wrong colour scarf!"

"But don't you see Goku," said Freeza, "these are more than just football teams, these guys represent our local identity!"

"Let me explain" said Cell, "all the people who lived in the north quadrant of the galaxy and in the Icejin empire support Celtic, while all those who didn't and thus hated the Icejin empire now support Rangers."

"So the people from the other quadrants of the universe support the teams in the other cities of Hell, like Hearts and Motherwell right?" asked Goku.

"You've got it," said Freeza. "You see football allows us to compete and see which part of the universe is best. Since we can't have wars anymore."

"Except that you're all such bad losers that everyone always has a huge fight after each game!" added Goku. "You know it would probably be simpler if you lot did have a war. I reckon there'd be less fighting."

"What a good idea!" declared Freeza, "I'll go get my troops!"

Freeza had taken three steps towards his new objective when he was hit in the face by a flying bottle knocking him to the floor. Admittedly a normal bottle wouldn't have done this, but most bottles in hell are made of lead, as it is more readily available then glass.

"Alright!" shouted Goku into the crowd, "who ever did that this is your last warning! Don't make me go up there."

"You do know that there is exactly zero chance that he heard you," pointed out Cell.

"Okay," said Goku getting out a large piece of paper and a pen, "I'll write him a note!" He scribbled on the sheet for a bit before asking Cell; "How do you spell "warning"?"

"You're writing him a note!" exclaimed Freeza furiously finding his feet again, "he hit me in the face with a bottle! We should haul his Rangers loving arse outside and get him personally acquainted with the Sunny's tail gate!"

"Freeza we're standing in front of the Celtic end," pointed out Cell. Freeza froze for a moment.

"Oh good one mate!" he shouted in to the crowd, "You really got me there! That was hilarious, what a joker!"

"You're pathetic," declared Cell turning back to the match.

"Perhaps you should tell your friend that this is not the best place to play practical jokes," said Goku with a hint of irritation in his voice, "I just wasted an entire sheet of A2 paper on this note, it's not cheap you know."

"Well you could always re-use it," suggested Freeza, "decent toilet roll is hard to come by around here." Just then an old man came up to them.

"Oi you're the police aren't you!" he snapped.

"No," replied Cell, "I'm wearing this badge because it's my birthday."

"Ignore him," said Goku, jumping in the way, "What's the problem civilian?"

"There are some young boys doing lines in the toilet!" snapped the old man, "It's disgraceful! I demand that you do something about it."

"Drugs," groaned Goku with a roll of the eyes, "Fine I'll go deal with them. You two stay here, and try not to let a riot break out while I'm gone."

"I can't promise anything," said Cell bluntly.

"I just said try okay," pointed out Goku before hurrying off to the toilets. With the Saiyan gone Cell and Freeza could fix their entire attention on the match. Hell City Celtic had procession of the ball at the half way line. He dribbled the ball a few yards before passing the ball to the centre. The Celtic player who received the ball flipped it round his marker and took a long shoot from about 20 yards out. Cell and Freeza held their breaths. The ball had been struck perfectly, flying straight for the goal, until a Rangers defender leaped in the way. The ball struck him somewhere on the upper body and bounced away.

"HANDBALL!!!" screamed Freeza along with half the stadium.

"No it isn't!" snapped Cell "It hit him in the face!"

"Oh he's just clutching that to fool the ref!" retorted Freeza, "Cooler won't be fooled though, it's a sure fire penalty!"

"No it hit him in the face," repeated Cell "my eyes can follow a Super Saiyan easily, I think I can keep up with a football."

"Well you're a liar then," snapped Freeza. "Come on Cooler," he shouted to the hesitating ref, "It's an obvious decision!"

There was absolutely no way Cooler could hear Freeza of course, as he was already being shouted at by everyone else in the stadium. Strangely that and being surrounded by all the players on the pitch was not enough to distract the insane Icejin from his bird watching. Although not that strange for he had just seen his fortieth pigeon of the day, after all it was a big moment. He was about to get his note book out to write this down when a voice entered his head.

"Cooler!" it called, "this is your conscience speaking, I know I sound like Cell talking to you telepathically but it's not honest. Now listen carefully, if you make the "right" decision about this penalty I'm sure Cell would arrange for you to get that tyre swing in the garden!"

Cooler thought for a moment, yes his conscience made a good point; he should have a Shepard's pie for supper. Now to deal with this refereeing decision….

"PENATLY!" declared Freeza ecstatically, "Ha-ha! Up yours Cell."

"Cooler you idiot!" barked Cell, "I support Rangers!! When we get home I'll…I'll…why are you still laughing?"

"Because I knew you'd try to influence Cooler telepathically!" declared Freeza happily, "But I also knew that because you consider yourself clever you were bound to try and do it subtly even though only Cooler could hear you. And thus it was bound not to work. Ha-ha!!!"

Cell's blood began to boil as Celtic's star strike easily scored the penalty.

"ONE-NIL, ONE-NIL, ONE-NIL, ONE-NIL," shouted Freeza jumping up and down. "What's the score Cell? What's the score?" He chanted for a minute or so before pulling his shirt over his face and running around in a celebratory circle, until he ran in to Cell's fist! Of course this was never going to go down very well with the thousands of Celtic fans standing behind them…

* * *

"I'm sorry sir," said Goku irritably, "But I'm not arresting two kids for writing 300 lines of "Hell City Rangers Rule" on the wall of the toilet!"

"Some Police force you are!" snapped the old man. "The mayor will hear about this I assure you!" He declared before storming off.

Goku sighed and started walking back to the edge of the pitch. Of course as soon as he walked through the tunnel into the stadium he was greeted by the all too familiar sight of a football riot.

"At times like this," he muttered to himself, "It almost seems worth having the world in mortal danger so I can get wished back to life…"

* * *

Goku sat calmly typing at his desk. Before he had volunteered to run the HIFLPD he hadn't know the first thing about typing reports. That of course had change over the last few years; he now knew that you had to put paper in the typewriter before you started. Other than that he was still pretty clueless, but what he lacked in ability he made you for with enthusiasm.

"There," he announced proudly putting a pile of papers on the desk next to the typewriter, "I'm completed our one thousand page report on speeding in hell."

"Oh really," said Freeza faking interest as he buttered his toast, "What's our conclusions then?"

"I wrote a summary if you'd like to have a look," said Goku.

"Not really," replied Freeza, putting jam on his toast.

"It's not very long," added Goku, "I'll read it too you." He took a deep breath; "There is no speeding in Hell City because there is so much traffic that no one can go over 11mph."

"You wrote a one thousand page report, when you could have summed it up in one sentence!" exclaimed Freeza.

"Well I had to present all the evidence," said Goku defensively, "and reference all my sources, and draw some pictures to make it more interesting…"

"You waffled!" snapped Freeza.

"Well it's better than the report you wrote on our relationship with ethnic minorities!" retorted Goku.

"There was nothing wrong with that!" exclaimed Freeza, "All I said was that when I accepted bribes I didn't take colour or species into account! That's a good thing right?"

"You know," said Goku calmly, "I find talking to you really annoying!"

"Well talk to Cell then," snapped Freeza.

"I would but I don't know where he is," explained Goku, "I haven't seen him or Cooler all morning."

Just then there was a large splashing sound from the bathroom. A few moments later Cooler came out wearing a scuba suit and carrying the telephone. He was followed by a very unhappy looking Cell who was not wearing a scuba suit and covered in what Goku hoped was chocolate sauce.

"What on Hell happened to you two?!" exclaimed Freeza in a state of shock.

"Don't ask," said Cell bluntly.

"But…"

"We went 1000 leagues under the sea to rescue the telephone from the sewer pixies!" exclaimed Cooler happily.

"Okay," said Freeza carefully.

"I did tell you not to ask," grumbled Cell, sitting down on the couch, making an unpleasant squelching sound as he did so. At that moment the phone rang.

"It's for you!" declared Cooler trusting the dirty telephone hand set at Goku's face. The Saiyan took it gingerly.

"Hello?" he began. There was a pause, "Oh hi King Yemma! Say hi to king Yemma everyone."

"Why should I say hi to that fat whiney jerk?" Asked Freeza irritably, "All he does is send us to hell, force us to do Police work and then complain when things aren't perfect. If he didn't send all these criminal losers to hell then we wouldn't have half the problems we do!!"

"FREEZA!" bellowed King Yemma, "I'm on speaker phone!" Freeza froze and glared at Goku.

"You could have warned me!" hissed Freeza under his breath.

"Sorry the smell was too much I had to get away from the handset," explained Goku. Freeza growled and turned to the phone.

"Hello King Yemma," he began as smoothly as he could manage, "you're sounding well today. To what do we owe this pleasure?"

"Speaking to you is no pleasure Freeza," snapped Yemma. "Goku I've been getting a lot of complaints from the spirits up here about the football riot in Hell City."

"Why are they worried about that?" demanded Cell, "it happened four days ago. Besides how can a riot in Hell affect heaven?"

"The noise travels!" snapped Yemma, "and the noise of this riot has been ruining the atmosphere in heaven for the past four days!"

"It's still going!" exclaimed Goku.

"OF COURES IT'S STILL GOING!" snapped Yemma furiously, "JUST LOOK OUT SIDE!"

Cell wandered over to the window and drew back the curtains. It revealed complete and utter chaos on the streets: cars being torched, shops being smashed and of course people being beaten in the streets. He opened the window a crack, allowing a wave of deafening sound to enter the Police station. He closed it again quickly returning silence to the room.

"Well our sound proofing certainly works," he declared.

"Yeah," said Goku watching the now silent riot going on out side, "Perhaps you should get some of that for heaven. I'll give you the guy's number if you want."

"I DON'T WANT NEW WINDOWS GOKU!" bellowed King Yemma, "I WANT YOU TO PUT A STOP TO THE RIOT! HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T DONE SO ALREADY?"

"Well we've been very busy with the case of who stole the piece of cake I was saving," explained Goku, "and to be honest Hell usually looks like that on a Saturday night."

"Well what do you do most Saturday nights then?" demanded Yemma.

"We go bowling," explained Goku, "it's team night and we're currently second in the league."

"ABOUT THE RIOTS I MEAN!" snapped Yemma.

"Oh we let everyone riot themselves out," said Goku.

"Giving them attention only encourages them," added Cell, "if we ignore them the riot ends sooner and less people get hurt and death beamed."

"Well after four days I don't think this riot is going to just go away!" snapped King Yemma. "Goku if you don't stop this riot by tomorrow morning I'll see to it that you don't get seconds at the next hero's feast!"

"No King Yemma," screamed Goku, "Please have a heart!"

"Tomorrow morning," repeated Yemma, who then hung up. Goku leapt to his feet and marched to the door.

"No Goku don't do it!" cried Cooler grabbing his arm, "it's too dangerous, I can't lose you, who would cut up my soup so I don't choke if you go?"

"Get off me!" snapped Goku, "I'm going to give those rioters a blasting they won't soon forget."

"As much as I would enjoy the sight of you blowing up most of hell in your desperation to get a bit more ham at supper," interrupted Cell standing in the door way, "I fear that I would be caught up in the resulting furry of the kios. So I'm not going to allow you to do this!"

"Then how are we going to stop this riot?" demanded Goku, "It would take far too long to arrest everyone or even to knock them all out with our fist. There must be millions of them out there and even we're not that fast."

"We could use lavender oil to calm them down," suggested Cooler, he was of course ignored.

"I suppose we could try to force them out of the city and blast them there!" suggested Cell, "but that would take a quiet along time."

"Darn it!" snapped Goku, "This is impossible. We're never going to be able to do this."

"How about we chase them into the scum town district," suggested Freeza, "that place is such a dump that we'd be doing them a favour by blowing it up!"

"That's a brilliant plan!" declared Goku ecstatically, "if we can force the riot into scum town we could easily put a stop to it. Plus one of Hell's poorest communities would get new houses', eventually, once the planning permission has gone through, but still everyone wins."

"Excellent," said Freeza, "now let's get going. I can't wait to hit some of those Rangers fans. That'll teach them not to be such bad losers and accept Celtic's clear superiority!"

"Freeza you do know that Rangers came back and won 2-1," pointed out Cell smugly.

"What!" exclaimed Freeza, "how could they? You're lying!" Cell showed him a newspaper. "Okay now I really want to hit someone!" he growled.

"Well you came to the right place!" said Cell.

"It's not hitting people it's crowd control!" corrected Goku, "Freeza get the riot shields and clubs out of the lockers, Cell assemble the Cell Jrs-"

"Cooler clean your bugle!" interrupted Cooler cheerfully.

"If you like," declared Goku enthusiastically, "just make sure you're ready, because we're going into battle." He paused and sniffed for a moment. "Actually Cell I'll assemble the Cell Jrs, you have a shower…"

* * *

Preparing to quell a riot is a big job. Every police officer needs a helmet, some body armour, fire proof overalls and club. While the HIFLPD had all these items they came in roughly two million sizes (due to the large variety of species in hell), none of which seemed to fit any of their members. When they had an item of clothing that didn't blind fold, trip up or choke its wearer it often (no make that always) had another problem such as missing pieces from the armour or fire proof overalls with both sleeves on the same side of the body. Add to that the problem of all the Cell Jrs being after the same size and it was only a matter of minutes before Cell Goku and Freeza got a bit of practice at riot control. Eventually with the bit of help from a sewing machine, welding torch and a lot of motivating/gentle threatening from Goku, they were able to fully equip everybody. Everybody except Cell who had forgone a helmet as he couldn't be bothered to make one that would fit him.

"I don't know why we even bothered with this stuff," he complained as they assembled in the court yard, "All this armour is almost certainly weaker than our skin."

"That's the point," retorted Freeza, "it's a crumple zone! It will absorb impacts for our skin!"

"Nah it's more of a physiological thing," said Goku, "When they see our neat, ordered and uniformed force approaching it should intimidate them into obeying the authority we represent."

"Where did you get that from?" demanded Cell.

"This book King Kio gave me!" declared Goku, "it's all about good Policing."

"What was it call, "good policing in a perfect world"?" snapped Cell, "There's no way a riot would ever be put off by the approach of 31 neatly ordered people in tatty riot gear. I mean has a display of ordered authority ever affected you? Not that we're going to be neatly ordered, we can't even stand in an ordered fashion!"

Goku looked over Cell's shoulder at the messy group of mingling Cell Jrs who had apparently got bored of waiting to go and had started hitting each other with their clubs. Cooler bouncing around on his tail singing "the wonderful thing about Coolers" didn't help the image.

"All they need is the right leadership!" he declared turning to Freeza, "what did you used to do to order disorganised troops in your army Freeza?"

"Well I always found that a summary execution of half of them was the best way to create order!" declared Freeza.

"Let's assume we don't have the man power to do that," suggested Goku, "and that we don't want to beat them with in an inch of their life either…"

"Well if you're going to throw out all the good methods" grumbled Freeza, "I guess we could use a marching drum beat to get them in set."

"What a good idea," declared Goku, "Cooler can you give us a drum beat?"

"Why that's what Coolers do best!" declared Cooler happily before bounding off behind the garages. To everyone's surprise he actually returned and with a drum!

"Excellent" declared Goku arranging the Cell Jrs in neat lines, "right let's all march to Cooler's beat!"

With that the group set off, following Goku's instructions to the letter. Unfortunately Cooler didn't know any marching beats so he played the backing beat for "We Will Rock You". As Cooler also had absolutely no sense of rhythm the resulting beat was incredibly hard to march to. After being tripped up by a stumbling Cell Jr for the third time Cell snatched the drum off Cooler and smashed it over the insane Icejin's head.

"What did you do that for!" demanded Goku.

"There is no way I'm approaching a riot walking like a drunken hip-hop artist!" snapped Cell irritably. "Unless your grand plan is to make them laugh their way to submission!"

"Do you think it would work?" asked Goku earnestly.

"NO!" snapped Cell.

"Why don't we just stick to the basics," suggested Freeza, "You know hitting them with clubs!"

"Very well," said Goku, "But this better work, now let's go find this riot!"

Finding the riot was a much easier task, it was taking up practically the entire city, only a bat with a lot of wax in its ears could have missed it! Cooler got lost on the way but the rest of the HIFLPD approached it in relatively good order, compared to the rioters anyway. Goku managed to stop them a few yards away from the edge of the mob.

"Right," he said to the others, "it's time to give them their last warning, Freeza pass me the mega phone."

"Here you go!" said Freeza, handing Goku a hollow cardboard cone Goku sighed.

"We really need to get these budget issues sorted out," he muttered before throwing the piece of cardboard away and cupping his hands instead. "Okay people!" he shouted, "This has gone on long enough. If you don't stop this and return to your homes right now I'm going to have to stop you by force!"

Surprisingly a few members of the mob heard him. Not that this achieved much as the only reply he got was; "Kiss my arse cop!"

"You heard the man Freeza, knock yourself out," said Cell mockingly, earning him an evil glare and a punch to the ribs.

"Listen," continued Goku, "I really don't want to fight you guys as there is no way that you can win. But if you don't stop now I'm going to have to."

"So this cop thinks he's tough!" shouted back a different member of the mob. "If you think you're so tough why don't you come and prove it!" he jeered, throwing a brick at Goku. He was soon joined by the rest of the crowd who had apparently decided that attacking the police force would be a lot more fun then smashing shop windows, mainly because windows can't fight back or feel pain.

"Surely you've worked out by now that asking the villain to stop out of kindness never ever works!" snapped Freeza as bricks and other debris rained down on them.

"I know," admitted Goku grudgingly, "but I don't feel so bad if I give them fair warning before hand!" With that he cupped his hands and shouted to the crowd; "Very well have it your way! Cell Jrs attack!"

The Cell Jrs gaaked with delight and charged towards the rioters in an unruly fashion. They smashed into them like a badly phased simile into a sentence. The result was chaos and confusion.

"Why," asked Cell irritably, "are my children being sent in there first?"

"Because I've always wanted to order a group of minions around like that," declared Goku, "so I could find out what it's like."

"What do you think of it?" asked Freeza.

"Kind of boring," replied Goku, "I'd rather be fighting myself."

"You're missing the point," declared Freeza, "by letting minions do your dirty work you get all the fun of making people suffer with out having to go through the tedious effort of fighting them."

"I know what is tedious!" snapped Cell, "standing here while a bunch of thugs try to beat up your kids! Look that guy with a bottle almost scratched V's eye!"

"He missed by miles stop worrying!" interrupted Goku.

"That's easy for you to say!" burst out Cell, "you're the kind of neglectful jerk who lets evil Androids beat up his kids, well I'm not! Don't worry children!" he shouted charging at the mob, "Daddy's coming!"

Goku and Freeza watched him go.

"What's up with him?" asked Goku scratching his head.

"Oh he's been smothering his kids ever since Scarlet dumped him," grumbled Freeza. "It's not good for them," he finished.

"I know," said Goku, "it's important to let children handle these things by themselves, it helps them learn to rely on their own strengths."

"For once I agree with you," exclaimed Freeza in shock.

"Really!" said Goku, "wow this is a first! What did you do to teach your kids?"

"I sent them off to the eastern side of my empire, to fight our toughest enemies in the harshest conditions," remembered Freeza fondly, "The concubines didn't like it but I knew it would make men of them."

"Did it?" asked Goku.

"Well mostly it made corpse of them," shrugged Freeza, "but the survivor who wasn't maimed thanked me for it! After I beat a thank you out him anyway"

"I see," said Goku reminding himself never to ask Freeza about his past again, and that this time he meant it. "Let's go help the others out shall we…"

* * *

For powerful martial artist like Cell, Goku and Freeza beating up the crowd was like stamping on a group of lethargic ants. It was very easy to knock out the individual rioter but once you had a new one would always take his/her/its place. At first they knocked their targets back or away but eventually boredom setting and all of them (except Goku) started knocking the rioters down where they stood, with light blows to the head. The result was a large number of people started to pile up at the feet of the police force, with more people being added all the time. If you follow this process to its logical conclusions…

"I swear I've hit this guy a few times before!" declared Goku as he gentle hit a man on the top of his head.

"That's because you have!" said Cell bluntly.

"How do you know that?" asked Goku.

"Because he was already unconscious when you hit him," pointed out Cell, "the only reason he was standing up was because he was leant against that pile of bodies."

"Oh yeah," said Goku, "With all these low power levels it's hard to sense the individuals."

"Oh come on Goku," said Cell mockingly, "Freeza's power level isn't that low."

"I heard that!" snapped Freeza. Cell and Goku turned round to see Freeza preoccupied with hitting a man who was already lying on the floor.

"What are you hoping to achieve by doing that?" demanded Cell.

"Keeping myself occupied until Goku realises that the riot has moved on," said Freeza proudly.

"The riot has moved on!" exclaimed Goku, "How did they manage that?"

"Well when all the guys we beat up pile up high enough to form a way across the street they where able to leave from the other side of that!" said Freeza, "you didn't notice."

"Well I was busy knocking the rioters back," retorted Goku, "especially since I was the only one covering our rear when they tried to surround us. Why didn't any of you tell me what was going on at the front line."

"Gaaakk!"

"Well thanks for trying G but what about the two of you who can speak properly!" snapped Goku, "and why didn't you try to stop them from leaving."

"Because we were sick of hitting them!" snapped Cell, "it was stupidly easy-"

"And my arm was getting tired," added Freeza.

"And it's clearly not going to work!" continued Cell, "however many we hit more keep coming, we could never force them into scum town like this!"

"Fine then what do you suggest," asked Goku.

"I always used to find that intimidation was a good way to get people to run places!" declared Cell, "it worked very well when I was in my first form. All I needed to do was absorb one person in front of everyone and the rest would run away in utter terror. Oh those were happy times."

"Yeah but you'll never intimidate an entire mob like that!" scoffed Freeza, "We'll need something big and obvious…like a giant Monkey! Goku look at the moon!"

"I have no tail and there is no moon!" snapped Goku.

"Oh," said Freeza, "Oh I know we could use a tank!"

"What could we do with one of those?" asked Goku, he thought for a moment before adding, "I mean it would have to be pretty huge in order to contain enough water to wash the riot away!"

"Not a water tank!" snapped Freeza,

"A tank engine?" interrupted Goku, "cause I don't think that will work either, Thomas seems to have been tipped over by the rioters already!"

"A TANK!" screamed Freeza, "you know big armour vehicle with caterpillar tracks!"

"Oh," said Goku, "the red ribbon army had some of those, although they ran on petrol not caterpillars."

"Isn't that a bit like swatting a fly with a sledge hammer," asked Cell, "I mean a tank is the evil dictator's crowd control tool! This is hell, not the democratic republic of where ever."

"A bit late to develop a conscience don't you think," retorted Freeza, "besides it will probably be less violent then clubbing them! They'll run away at the mere sight of the things!"

"No they won't!" snapped Goku "I was never scared by any of the Red Ribbon tanks! And there were lots of people on other planets for whom this will be ancient technology! How will that scare them?"

"Easy they'll have no idea what it is," declared Freeza, "and people are scared of the unknown! It always worked on my planets, mainly because everyone was too poor to be able to afford to go into a museum and see a tank. I also used muskets to scare the hell out of those stupid peasants! Oh how they screamed when the they went bang!"

"It is a good idea" grudgingly agreed Cell, "I mean it can drive over any pile of-"

"Stop right there!" snapped Goku, "We're supposed to be Police officers and Martial Artist, protectors of the people, men of honour. We're at the very least supposed to have a little style and technique! So we're not suppressing a riot with a forty ton metal vehicle!"

"But knocking all the people out or even into scum town will take far too long!" countered Freeza, "We'll never get it done it time!"

"I don't care, this is a matter of principle!" declared Goku determinedly.

"Fine," grumbled Freeza, "enjoy your one course meal!"

* * *

"Okay so how do I start this thing," asked Goku from the driver's position of the Tank. Freeza lent into cockpit through the open roof hatch and flicked a switch. The engine cough spluttered and finally stalled.

"Well that seems like the starter switch," declared Freeza, "but god knows how you start it."

"I though you knew about tanks," said Goku irritably.

"I do," snapped Freeza, "I know that this is an I-72 used in the first Icejin world war about thirty thousand years ago. I know its performance stats and records and that it was able to resist the primitive ki blasts we had developed back then."

"Oh that's a great," said Goku sarcastically, "perhaps we could go to the rioters and read out a list of its stats to scare them!"

"Oh just fiddle with the choke and gears!" snapped Freeza, "you have the easy task cause you can already drive, I have to work out how the gun works!"

"I though we weren't going to use the gun!" called Goku as Freeza climbed into the turret behind him. Goku scrambled out of the hatch to follow him, but he was stopped by Cell.

"Tell me Goku," he said, "which do you think is best, American helmet, German brimmed hat or British berry?"

"Is that really important?" asked Goku irritably.

"Well since I'm in command of the tank I think it is!" snapped Cell, "I want to look the part."

"Berry then!" said Goku quickly, "now tell me "commander" why is Freeza trying to operate the gun?"

"Just to scare the mob," said Cell, "make them think we might use it!"

"But we're not going to use it right?" asked Goku.

"Probably not," clarified Cell.

"Probably?" asked Goku, but before he could push the point Freeza burst out of the gunner's hatch.

"We only have five high-explosive rounds," he declared irritably, "That won't be enough to defend ourselves!"

"Defend ourselves!" snapped Goku, "You said they'd all run away!"

"That or rush us!" declared Freeza, "if they do that we'll need to defend ourselves."

"You can blow up planets Freeza," snapped Goku, "If push comes to shove you won't need to rely on an ancient tank's main gun!"

"But that defeats the object of playing with, sorry using a tank!" whined Freeza.

"Okay I've changed my mind," declared Goku "Cell your now gunner, Freeza your commander!"

"I'm not swapping!" snapped Cell, "This is my one chance to be in charge of a vehicle, and I want to prove that it is possible to drive some where with out crashing into a river or falling over a cliff. With my perfect brain in charge things will go a lot smoother"

"That's not true!" retorted Goku, "You were in charge during that team building sailing trip we had and the boat capsized!"

"Well I could hardly be blamed for the hurricane!" replied Cell, angrily, "I'm not swapping and that's final!"

"Okay!" conceded Goku, "You're in command! Freeza you can gun as long as you promise not to fire the gun!"

"If you're going to put those restrictions on me I'll drive," snapped Freeza.

"You can't drive you've been drinking!" pointed out Goku.

"For the last time a can of Pepsi is not drinking!" screamed Freeza.

"Such an emotional reaction," whispered Cell to Goku so Freeza couldn't hear him, "he's clearly drunk, we'd better keep an eye on him." Goku nodded.

"Okay Freeza," he said calmly to the Icejin, "I'm going to check the fuel tank for blockages, maybe that's why it won't start!" With that he hopped off the turret and walked around to the back of the tank.

"Do you like the berry?" asked Cell once the Saiyan was gone, "I think it makes me look dashing!"

"I think it makes you look like a-" began Freeza before he was interrupted by a scream from the back of the tank.

"Oh joy it's finally happened!" declared Cell, "Goku's been stung by a scorpion, and you say those wish bones are just a superstition!"

"They are its Cooler!" declared Freeza, as Goku climbed back onto the tank with the insane Icejin in tow.

"What on Hell where you doing in the fuel tank?" demanded Goku.

"Returning to the pool of my birth to breed!" declared Cooler, "but no females made it, they must have all been eaten by bears!" he sniffed, "what a sad and lonely time to be a salmon."

"Actually this works quite well," said Freeza, "we need a loader for the gun."

"For the last time we're not-" began Goku before an idea stuck him. "Okay Cooler you can be our loader!" he said.

Now that he was completely sure that they could never fire anything more dangerous than confetti out of the tank's gun Goku returned to the driving seat. Meanwhile Cell adjusted his berry one more time before settling himself in the commander's position.

"Right," he order, "put on your radio headphones now men." He paused while Goku and Freeza obeyed. He waited a bit longer while Freeza pulled Cooler's head phones out from the brother's throat and positioned them in his ears. "Right can everyone hear me?" he asked.

"Why are you singing I'm walk on sunshine?" asked Goku. Cell fiddle with some knobs on the commanders control bank. After some effort he was able to get the desire effect as the fire extinguisher in the drivers compartment went off into Goku's face. Then he retuned the radio. "Ooops I'm sorry Goku!" he lied.

"Hey I heard that," said Goku cheerfully, "right let's go." He flicked the starter switch and this time, after an inordinate amount of coughing and spluttering the tank started!

"Freeza go open the doors at the end of the hall so we can drive out," ordered Cell.

"But I just put my headphones on!" grumbled Freeza. However a near miss from a death beam quickly persuaded him of the positive virtue of this order. Freeza got out of the tank and walked to the end of the hall. He was almost at the door when there was a loud crash behind him. He turned round in time to see the dust settle in front of a large hole in the museum wall where the tank had been. This was promptly followed by the sound of the tank stalling.

"Never mind Freeza we're out!" called Cell.

"This is a pretty dumb arrangement for a gear box!" complained Goku, "I mean moving the stick forwards for reverse. Oh well I'm sure I'll get the hang of it…"

* * *

It took Goku slightly longer to get the hang of it then he originally thought. Tanks may be able to turn on the spot and go over almost any terrain but they are very wide and each track has more gears then a mountain bike. So if both tracks are not in the right gear when you try to turn you will invariable under steer into a car/ building / bridge support. Of course modern tanks had systems to deal with this automatically, but those vehicles are not kept armed and fuelled in museums, so the HFILPD were force to put up with knocking over the odd tree, lamp post or supporting wall. This wouldn't have delayed them too much had Goku not insisted on leaving a note at everyone of the sites this occurred. They were furthered delayed by having to stop and buy more paper to write the notes on. Eventually they made it the new site of the riot.

"Okay men!" declared Cell, "we have made contact with the enemy! Button up!" Goku and Freeza closed their hatches, Freeza also had to close Cooler's hatch as his brother was busy doing up his coat. Despite this he found time to stop Cell from closing his.

"Commanders don't button up!" he declared "They need to be able to see what's going on!"

"But if I don't button up they could throw things at be!" exclaimed Cell.

"You can regenerate!" exclaimed Goku down the driver radio, "so they can't harm you. Besides I need someone to see for me, my viewing scope is smaller then a letter slot!"

"Fine," said Cell, "if seeing where we're going is that important to you!" snapped Cell irritable. "I just thought as my friends you'd want me to be safe!" he sniffed.

"We're not your friends!" snapped Freeza, "now stick your head out of the top you coward." Cell scowled furiously but did so.

"Okay Goku!" he called, "move forward slowly!" After some clacking and clutch grinding Goku obeyed and the tank set off slowly towards the crowd. It didn't take long for the mob to spot the huge vehicle's approach. As predicted by Freeza the startling presence of the mechanical monster was enough to scare a large proportion of the crowd into retreat. However after about a minute of this they started throwing things at them, as predicted by Cell. Bricks, bottles, burning rages and even the odd ki blast crashed into the tank. Most bounced off with no more then a deafening clang on the inside of the tank, the rest missed completely. The vehicle's progress continued unhindered, until Goku tried to change up a gear of course at which point he immediately stalled!

"Ooops," he called down the radio, "should have stayed in 16th. Just let me re-"

Suddenly there was a startled scream down the radio.

"A burning rag landed in the tank!" shouted Freeza, "do something!" Goku swung round as best as he could in the cramped drivers section, he could just about see into the turret where Cooler was toasting a mash mallow over the small fire that was dangerously close to the ammo store. Fortunately Freeza doused the flame with his fire extinguisher.

"Is everyone okay," asked Goku.

"No," exclaimed Cooler, "My tasty fire extinguisher foam has some marsh mallow in it!"

"Screw your foam that rag got my berry!" burst out Cell.

"Oh no," mocked Freeza, "However will you look like a berk without it? Oh well you always manage some how." Cell glared at him. "Well excuse me for trying to get through this tragedy with humour!" snapped Freeza.

"Those bastards aren't going to get away with this!" shouted Cell. "Freeza fire the main gun at them."

"With pleasure!" declared Freeza. Goku froze and hoped his plan had worked. It had for when the gun fired it launched no shell but a-

"Why did an adorable little puppy just get fired out of the gun?" asked Cell with a large degree of confusion.

"And more to the point how was an adorable puppy fired out of the gun?" added Freeza, "there's no explosives to launch it."

"It's my new peace weapon!" declared Cooler proudly "for no one can be angry or violent when there's a cute little puppy around."

"That's just-" began Cell but he stopped when a miniature parachute deployed from the puppies rack sac, "adorable!" he finished. Cell's heart wasn't the only one melting. As the puppy landed among the crowd the rioters stopped throwing things and raced over to stroke it. They stood around it in an orderly manor cooing and arrrrhing at its playful movements and friendly licks. Goku and Freeza opened their hatches for a better look.

"This is even stupider then my popcorn plan!" grumbled Freeza to himself. Goku however was delighted.

"Cooler you are a genius!" he declared, "You've staid the riot with the mere innocence of a puppy. See guys there is always a peaceful solution to even the most violent situations."

"You haven't even seen the best bit yet!" announced Cooler proudly.

"Best bit," exclaimed Goku and Cell together in surprise.

"Oh no…" muttered Freeza. At that moment the puppy exploded with the force of a high explosive round sending rioters flying in all directions.

There was about a minute of stunned silence before Cell finally spoke.

"The puppy exploded," he said blandly, "the puppy exploded. It was just there and then, it exploded. THE PUPPY EXPLODED!!!"

"WHAT THE HELL COOLER!!!" screamed Goku, "YOU SAID IT WAS A PEACE WEAPON!"

"You don't fire something out of a gun which won't explode!" declared Cooler earnestly. Freeza slammed the insane Icejin's hatch down onto his head knocking him out.

"That'll teach you two not to get excited at one of his dumb plans!" snapped Freeza, "Now look the rioters are dispersed! Let's go break them up before they can reorganise."

"Okay," said Goku shakily sitting back down in his seat. He started the tank forgetting that he had been half way through changing gears when the gun had been fired. As a result when he restarted one side was in a higher gear then the other and the tank performed a sharp left turn. Goku corrected it and had the tank going straight again in relatively good time. He relaxed satisfied with his improvement. This was a big mistake for at that moment Cell screamed "STOP!" down the radio.

Goku sat up and slammed on the brakes, but not quickly enough. There was a flash of red in his viewing slot and a loud metallic crunching sound as the tank mounted a solid object of some sort. Then it stopped.

"Darn it!" snapped Goku putting the vehicle into reverse. There was a whirling sound from the tracks but the tank didn't move.

"You've beached it Goku," said Cell in a resigned manner.

"Double Darn it!" exclaimed Goku as he go out of the tank to have a look. Freeza and Cell joined him. The tank was completely stuck; it had squashed whatever it had run over pretty flat, but not flat enough to be able to touch the ground now that it was perched on top of it.

"Come on guys help me lift it off," sighed Goku.

"Sure," said Freeza, "it should still work, I mean it's not like it would be damaged like that sucker's car we ran over!" he laughed. "Boy will he be pissed when he gets back from the riot and finds this! Serves him right!"

"Err Freeza," interrupted Cell calmly, "you should see this." Freeza and Goku turned round to see Cell holding a broken police light and a Nissan badge.

"Oh," said Freeza, "what where the odds?"

"In this story?" asked Cell, "about 1 to 1." Goku bent down and looked under the tank at the battered remains of their Nissan Sunny.

"Cheer up Goku," said Freeza encouragingly, "It's not like we need that car anymore, we have a tank now!" Goku stood up very calmly and slowly. Suddenly he swung his arm up striking the under side of the tank flipping it on to its roof.

"Oh I know that look," said Freeza backing off to a safe distance, "don't do anything stupid Goku."

"Me stupid!" declared Goku his face turning red, his teeth gnashing. "I'm not the stupid one here!" Suddenly he rocketed up into the air stopping above the regrouping rioters!

"Alright!" he bellowed loud enough to make all the rioters look at him, "This has gone on long enough! Don't you idiots see what has happened! You've wrecked your city! You've hit your neighbours and friends! You've trashed your shops, streets and homes! You've made us beat and blow you up! An innocent puppy and car have been destroyed! Your museum has been robbed of one of its star attractions!" he took a deep breath, "Do you know why this has all happened? It's because you lot take this stupid game of football far too seriously! You have no perspective, no sense of reason, and no idea of good sportsmanship! You've ruined your city because of it, made hell worse then it was already. WAS IT WORTH IT! WAS ALL THIS A GOOD RESPONSE TO A GAME?"

"You dumb out-of-towner!" shouted back a member of the crowd, "you don't get football. It's about pride and spirit and ideter-"

"NO IT ISN'T" screamed Goku, "IT'S A GAME." He took a deep breath, "it's about having fun, playing with friends, improving your skills and keeping in shape. It should bring people of different cultures together, not blow them apart! But you've lost sight of that in your pride and stupidity! You should be ashamed! Now go home and think about this before I have to take drastic action!"

There was along pause, as the crowd looked at their feet. Then they burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry Goku," sniggered Freeza, "but what a soppy speech." Goku gritted his teeth.

"Fine!" he declared transforming into a Super Saiyan, "if you won't do it I'll have to end this for once and for all!" He cupped his hand to his side and began to speak, "Kame-hame-"

"GOKU NOT HERE!" screamed Cell.

"YOU'LL RIP OUT OUR CABLE CONNECTION!" added Freeza. Goku ignored them.

"HAAAA!" he shouted firing the blast at the terrified crowd. The huge wave almost hit them when it suddenly levelled out and shot straight down the road; directly into the football stadium. There was a huge explosion. When the dust settled the stadium was no more. There was utter silence.

"If you can't play football in the proper sprit you won't play it at all!" snapped Goku furiously. "So now what are you going to riot about?"

* * *

A few hours later the Nissan Sunny pulled up out side the gates of Hell where Pikkon and Olive were waiting.

"Good evening greeny!" declared Freeza getting out the car.

"Is that really the best insult you can come up with?" demanded Pikkon irritably.

"Yes he's a bit of an idiot!" pointed out Cell.

"Oh shut up Cockroach!" snapped Freeza.

"As intellectual as this conversation is we'd like to know where Goku is?" interrupted Olive. Cell calmly walked round to the back of the Nissan and knocked three times on the boot. It slowly open and a hushed voice came out.

"Yes it's clear!" snapped Cell. With that the boot flew open and Goku hopped out.

"Hi Pikkon, hi Olive," he said cheerfully "boy am I glad to see you."

"King Yemma wants to congratulate you for ending the riot," said Olive cheerfully, "How did you do it?"

"Oh it was just a simple matter of blowing up the football stadium!" declared Goku, "Now the people of hell have a new hobby."

"Yeah," added Freeza, "which is burning effigies of Goku. At last other people are seeing the joys of one of my favourite activities. I'm a trend-setter!"

"Yes I must admit that yours was very good," added Cell, "it was really life-like!"

"Well I just dressed Turles in Orange and set fire to him!" admitted Freeza, "though I thought the effect was great."

"And that explains why I was in the boot," clarified Goku.

"Not really," grumbled Pikkon, "since I heard that your car was crushed by some idiots in a tank!"

"Oh it looked bad but it just needed a new roof," explained Freeza, "the rest just buffed out, and it's as good as new." He gave the car a knock to show how sturdy it was, causing the door on the other side to fall off.

"Well as long as this burning effigies business is quieter then rioting we don't care," declared Olive, "Come on Goku a feast awaits us, and how about a fight afterwards?"

"Sounds great!" exclaimed Goku; he turned to Cell and Freeza, "I'll see you two on Monday!"

"Wait Goku aren't you concerned that everyone down here hates you?" asked Cell.

"Let them hate me," declared Goku before turning and pointing to heaven, "so long as they feed me!"

* * *

Hi again, before I go I'd like to thank everyone who's waited so long to get an update from me, I hope your patience was suitably rewarded. I must also dedicate this to Italian Policeman Filippo Racti and Italian match official Ermanno Licursi who where both killed in football related violence earlier this year. I don't hate football, it is a great game which can bring all the world's culture together, but in Europe and South America it was a very ugly side. For what is worth I say it's up to the government and clubs to stamp this out and return football to the beautiful game it once was! Okay that's enough preaching from me I hope you all enjoyed the story. I must also admit that the exploding puppy wasn't my idea. I stole/borrowed it from a BBC radio show called Genius. Anyway I intend to update again much sooner. Unless I have to retake my exams….Gulp! 


	12. The Strongest Man in Hell

Hi folks I 'm back with another exciting chapter of the shorts. Sorry for the delay again, I was busy spending the summer failing my driving test! It wasn't my fault though; the examiner was determined to fail me as revenge for destroying the front end of his car. When he gets out of hospital you can be sure he's going to find a nasty letter of complaint on his desk. Anyway I must thank Makota 2112 for beta reading this and densetsu no super saiyajin whose suggestion I'm using in this story.

* * *

The Strongest Man in Hell

Captain James Bigglesworth shivered in the cockpit of his Sopwith Camel as the little bye-plane flew jerkily through the icy head wind. It was one of those days when he'd rather not have flown, the cold weather wasn't only unpleasant but it also played havoc with the plane. Machine guns could jam, engine lubricates could become stiff, even control wires could shorten in the cold making the plane's performance even more unpredictable then usual. Still The Great War didn't stop for winter so neither could he. To underline the point a group of German fighter scouts appeared from behind a cloud to his left. Biggles wiggled his wings to get his squadron's attention before diving towards the enemy scouts.

The German triplanes were more maneuverable than his but where slower and couldn't climb as fast. Biggles also had the element of surprise. As long as nothing went wrong he would have another kill before the day was out. Then something went wrong, to be precise a white skinned alien walked through the air to the front of his plane and nicked the propeller!

"I say old chap!" exclaimed Cooler, "give me back my propeller! My plane can't fly with out it!" Freeza glared at his brother.

"Shut up!" he snapped "I need this dustbin lid. You're just going to have to use an imaginary parachute to get out of this one. You must have one in that cardboard box somewhere!"

"Don't be silly old chap!" retorted Cooler, "they don't give us parachutes in The Great War, bailing out is for cowards! I must crash and die like an English gentlemen!"

Cooler proceeded to make a high pitched "eeeeeerrrrrrrrrrwwwwwwwooooooonnnnnn" sound before "crashing" in an explosion of spit. Freeza wiped himself down.

"Are you quite finished?" he asked.

"Yes!" declared Cooler happily, no longer putting on the English accent.

"Good" said Freeza climbing into the dustbin.

"Why are you getting in there?" asked Cooler quizzically, then he lightened up, "are you throwing yourself out so I can get a new little brother?" he asked excitingly.

"No!" snapped Freeza.

"Cause if you are," continued Cooler, "I want a little brother who walks and talks this time!"

"I already do that!" burst out Freeza irritably.

"Yes but when ever I pull your string you only ever say "Oww let go of my tail!"" retorted Cooler. Freeza glared at Cooler for a moment before deciding that this would probably have no effect and grabbed his brother's neck.

"I'm not throwing myself out you idiot!" he snapped "I'm hiding from Goku in this dustbin!"

"Can I play too?" asked Cooler

"I'm not playing!" said Freeza who was clearly beginning to panic, "Goku wants to try out his new Super Saiyan 3 form on me!!"

"I got my Super Saiyan free in a cereal box!" declared Cooler happily.

"You know Cooler," said Freeza, "I'd waste less time trying to have a conversation with one of the rats in this bin! Just listen to me for one second now! If anyone asks any questions I am definitely not hiding in this bin, okay?" Cooler nodded and Freeza disappeared into the dustbin putting the lid down on top. Cooler looked at the dustbin for a moment before returning his attention to his cardboard box.

Just then Cell wandered into the court yard in front of the police station (or drive way in front of the converted garage if you prefer).

"Ahoy Cell!" called Cooler, "fancy a spin in my new speed boat before we lunch at the country club?"

"No," replied Cell bluntly, then he looked closely at the card board box. "Hey that's the evidence box isn't it?" he exclaimed, "We had six months worth of badly organized stuff in there. What did you do with it?" Cooler thought hard for a moment before answering.

"Freeza is definitely not hiding in this dustbin!" he declared. Cell glared at him for a moment, before lifting the lid off the bin.

"Oscar the Grouch I presume," he said as Freeza looked out of the bin sheepishly. "What are you doing?" Cell demanded.

"Sorting out our recycling," replied Freeza, he quickly rummaged in the bin withdrawing a can. "Now Cell how many times have I told you not to mix metals with paper…"

"I thought you where hiding from Goku because you're too scared to fight him" pointed out Cooler.

"Thank you Cooler," snapped Freeza. "Now why don't you go sail into an imaginary ice berg or something else dangerous."

"You're welcome!" declared Cooler before shooting off making motor boat noises.

"Now Cell," said Freeza quickly ducking back into the dustbin, "was there something you wanted because I'm kind of busy right now."

"Yes there was," answered Cell, "I'd like to know when it was that chickens learnt to talk."

"They have?" exclaimed Freeza, "when did that happen? That's quite a break through- wait a second, you're calling me a coward aren't you…"

"Well done Freeza," mocked Cell, "here have some bird seed as a reward."

"I am not a chicken!" snapped Freeza. "I just don't want to fight Goku right now."

"I thought you were still determined to get revenge on him," pointed out Cell.

"And how exactly would letting him beat me to a pulp achieve that?" retorted Freeza. "Unlike you Cell I can take my revenge cold. I have a grand plan to get revenge on Goku."

"Would this be waiting for Goku to get wished back to life, so he can grow old and return to the afterlife a crippled old man who has to use a walking stick to support himself before you attack him." asked Cell innocently.

"Stop reading my diary!" snapped Freeza furiously.

"Well if you weren't ready why did you agree to fight him?" asked Cell.

"It was all a horrible misunderstanding!" declared Freeza. Just then the police station door opened and Goku emerged. Freeza instantly dived back into the dustbin, replacing the lid as he did.

"Hi Cell," said Goku cheerfully, "have a good patrol?"

"Quite stressful actually," replied Cell, withdrawing a mallet from behind his back, "but I'm relieving tension by whacking rats." At that moment he kicked the dustbin over and struck the surprised Freeza on the head with the mallet as he hit the floor.

"Oh my," continued Cell, "the rats get bigger and uglier every year."

"I hate you!" groaned Freeza.

"I know," said Cell happily.

"There you are Freeza," declared Goku, "where have you been? I don't how you used to train but I never tended to start a sparing match by running off and hiding for 5 minutes."

"Well when you said "we should spar", I though you meant we should go to the health spa," stuttered Freeza, "until I found out you wanted to fight, so then I went to mentally prepare myself by meditating in my lucky steel meditating cylinder and…your not buying this are you?"

"I may not be the smartest person in the after life Freeza," said Goku, "but I wasn't born yesterday. You don't want to fight me do you?"

"Not as such," admitted Freeza, "but I would like to go to the health spa if that option is still open."

"That option was never open!" snapped Goku.

"Besides Freeza I wouldn't use the HFIL spa and the word health in the same sentence," added Cell, "except just then of course," he finished correcting himself before anyone else could.

"Why not?" asked Freeza.

"Well let's just say that I've been called there a number of times to protect customers from the staff when massages have got out of control," explained Cell.

"Really," exclaimed Freeza with a nasty smile, "so the girls are that frisky are they? Well that seems like an even better reason to go."

"Well if by frisky you mean 600 pound middle age men then yes," retorted Cell. Freeza went a little paler then usual.

"Perhaps I'll just have a bath then," he muttered. "Goku perhaps you could fight Cell, he's much stronger then me, it would be more of a challenge."

"Yes I won't scream like a little girl every time you hit me too," added Cell.

"Well I was intending to do that anyway," said Goku, "I was just going to fight you as a little warm up before he got back from his shift."

"But his shift only had five minutes left when you asked me!" exclaimed Freeza.

"Well I don't take long to warm up," explained Goku, "and I thought you might not last any longer."

"I conquered most of the galaxy and you thought you could brush me aside in under five minutes?!" cried Freeza his blood boiling.

"You must have thought so too or else you wouldn't have hid in the dustbin," pointed out Goku.

"That's not the point!" snapped Freeza. "I allowed to think I'm weak. That doesn't mean that you lot can!" he growled. "Honestly I get no respect around here."

"Quite right!" said Cell calmly swatting Freeza out the way, "now Goku since my soap opera starts in an hour shall we forgo the warm up?"

"Sure thing," replied Goku excitedly taking his stance, "this should be a lot more fun now that we're not trying to kill each other." Cell laughed and powered up to his full power.

"Don't think that'll make it easier," he announced proudly, "Only Gohan has ever surpassed my power remember? So you will have to have improved a lot to beat me!"

"Didn't Pikkon beat you in two punches?" asked Freeza innocently.

"Anime filler doesn't count!" snapped Cell, "beside he blindsided me when I wasn't powered up so it was unfair."

"Well I'll give you a fair fight this time," said Goku, "but I'll warn you I've improved a bit! Shall I start at Super Saiyan 2?"

"Super Saiyan 2" repeated Cell blankly as Goku transformed.

"There's a Super Saiyan 2 now?" exclaimed Freeza.

"Of course there is!" replied the now transformed Goku, "How could there not be when I told you I wanted to try out Super Saiyan 3?"

"I just thought you were a stupid Monkey who couldn't count!" said Freeza nervously. There conversation was quickly interrupted by Cell.

"Not again!" he wailed loudly. "Oh no…throat drying up…chest tightening…vision going blank… walls closing in…voice becoming… jerky!" he gasped and collapsed to the floor a shivering wreak. Suddenly he screamed; "NO Gohan, please don't hurt me Gohan, I'll do what ever you say! I'll never hurt a soul again! Please forgive me! Let me live!!"

"I don't know what kind of panic attack or flash back you're having Cell but that never happened!" burst out Goku angrily. "As soon as you began to lose you turned yourself into a giant bomb!"

"Shhh!" interrupted Freeza, "you'll only make it worse!"

* * *

"I don't believe this," said an irritable Goku as he sat in the police station. "I though that if there was one thing I could rely on in the after life it would be you two, my arch enemies. I was sure that you'd be spending every minute of everyday training and plotting against me. I mean I did defeat you two after all. Everyone else's arch enemies always go to such lengths to get their revenge. Some even come back from the dead to do it, but you two can't even take me on in a friendly match with out running away or having a mental break down!"

"Well you know what they say," replied Freeza cheerfully, "time heals all wounds."

"Oh really," said Goku, "then how come you randomly attacked that guy in the street the other day."

"It wasn't random!" burst out Freeza, "He short changed me for an ice cream when I was a kid! He owed me that twenty pence!"

"I knew it!" declared Goku, "you never let anything go or forget any crime against you! So why didn't you carry on training?"

"I did!" retorted Freeza, "I love training on warm sunny days, that's how I became such a strong ruler. That and that jerk of a tutor with his cane….oh if I ever saw him again I'd, I'd," he stopped his insane muttering when Goku looked at him. "Anyway the point is I train every warm sunny day we get," he finished quickly. Goku thought for a moment.

"But there aren't any warm sunny days in hell!" he exclaimed.

"Well I can hardly be blamed for that," replied Freeza dismissively. Goku sighed and turned to Cell.

"I guess there's no helping Freeza," he said, "but what about you. I though you prided yourself on being the biologically perfect fighter, so why did you stop trying to improve, you have Saiyan cells after all." Cell looked up from the bowl of warm soup he had prepared to help him get over his panic attack.

"Well Goku being biologically perfect I never had to train a day in my life!" he pointed out calmly.

"But you have since you died!" added Goku, "remember those pointers I gave you just before we rigged… I mean you gloriously defeated Super Android 25."

"Only too well," responded Cell. "Strangely I'm never wanted to train since that day. Why should I anyway, there's no one stronger then me in hell except you and Broly, and he's out of the picture for the next seven hundred years and you'd never attack me because you're too nice."

"People always say it's a flaw," commented Goku. "This is really annoying though. Now I have no one to test out my Super Saiyan 3 form on before the Other World Tournament. I don't want to go in without having leant about its strengths and weaknesses in actual combat."

"Why don't you train with some of your super strong heavenly friends?" asked Freeza, "you know people who have enough time off and sunny days to train on!" He finished with more then a hint of bitterness.

"I can't do that because everyone would see me use it," pointed out Goku, "then I'd lose the element of surprise."

"I've carried on training!" interrupted a voice from among the rafters. Goku looked up to see Cooler hanging from a rafter by his tail.

"Really," he asked cautiously, he wasn't taking any chances after the puppy incident.

"Yes, I've been training fighting hens," he declared proudly.

"Shouldn't that be fighting cocks," corrected Cell.

"Oh that's so sexist!" snapped Cooler swinging to another rafter so he was face to face with Cell, "just because they're girls doesn't mean they can't fight! They'll take you all on!" he finished loudly before falling off the rafter and through a table, mercifully knocking him self out/ falling to sleep in the process.

"Okay Goku," conceded Cell, "if you want a challenge Freeza and I will get back into training so we can give you a good fight. Of course we will require a week or ten off in order to get in shape…"

"Oh no," interrupted Goku, "I'm not falling for that one, besides I don't need to wait I know of a way to make you stronger today. Because of your Saiyan, Icejin and Namekian heritage you'll get stronger every time I blow you up."

"Oh I like where this is going!" exclaimed Freeza keenly, "can I help?"

"No wait!" exclaimed Cell, backing off nervously, "you can't do this! There has to be a law against it!"

"What will you do!" asked Freeza mockingly, "call the police?" before he burst out laughing.

"Not after reading today's paper!" interrupted Cooler randomly sitting up, "Apparently their average emergency response time is 36 hours."

"Thanks for the downer Cooler," muttered Freeza.

"Come on Cell," said Goku, "I won't seriously injure you. You're dead and you can regenerate. Back on earth you thought this was a great thing."

"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!" protested Cell, "and on earth I wanted revenge on Gohan! Now I just want a quiet life until I get another opportunity for revenge on Gohan!"

"You still want to hurt my son?" exclaimed Goku. "After all we've been through! Well that removes my moral opposition to hurting you. Take this Cell." He powered up a distruto-disk. In his cramped living quarters there was no where for Cell to flee with out breaking something expensive. So instead he cried out loudly;

"Freeza knows someone stronger then us!"

Goku stopped.

"Really," he said turning to Freeza.

"Really?" exclaimed Freeza looking quizzically at Cell. The Android quickly grabbed a lamp off the desk to hit Goku with when to his astonishment Freeza said;

"Oh yes the legend!"

"Legend?" asked Goku clearly fascinated. Cell rapidly replaced the lamp as Freeza continued.

"Yes it's a legend which is quite popular in old hell," continued Freeza happy to be the center of attention, "you know where the people who have been here more then ten thousand years live. I heard it from my great times ten to the sixteen Uncle Frost when it was my turn to spend Christmas with the senile old bastard. I remembered it because it was the only story he told me in all my time there. By the time he had finished it he had forgotten that he had told it you see."

"Thank you Freeza for that incredibly boring account of your holiday," snapped Cell, "now what's this legend? Quickly before Goku blows me up."

"Oh right," said Freeza quickly recognizing Cell's dangerous tone of voice, "Well its about an Icejin called Alexicea. He was the first to untie all our people under one ruler, him of course. He almost conquerd all the other peoples in our arm of the galaxy too until he died of accidentally flying into a black hole when drunk. Anyway he was so strong that apparently he could destroy stars with no effort and survive the explosion even if it wiped out the solar system. When he got to Hell he beat everyone there! Even an army of early Super Saiyans who were great apes and thus ten times stronger than you. He practically ruled Hell for centuries, not even the gods could touch him."

"Wow now I have to fight him!" exclaimed Goku.

"Hang on if he was so great what happened to him?" asked Cell, "why isn't he hear today."

"Well he got bored," said Freeza bluntly, "declared that there was no challenge left in the after life except one."

"What was that?" asked Goku eagerly.

"Apparently he went to The Mountains of Doom at the edge of hell," said Freeza with a disbelieving shrug, "He said he would fight the mighty weather and invincible creatures that dwelled there on an epic journey across the range. He finished that anyone who wished to challenge him should cross the mountains to prove themself worthy of facing him in battle."

"Did he make it?" asked Goku eagerly.

"No one knows" exclaimed Freeza "No one has ever made it out of those mountains. No one really knows what's in them. Although apparently one man's journal got blown out in a volcanic eruption and was recovered. But it speaks of horrible things inside the mountains."

"What kind of things?" asked Goku.

"I don't know," said Freeza, "I read about that in a newspaper but got bored when I got to the "Horrible things," line and turned to the comics."

"That doesn't matter," interrupted Cell quickly, "the important thing is that there's this really strong Alexicea guy on the other side of them. So you can fight him rather than me."

"It does sound like a great challenge!" exclaimed Goku excitedly, "I haven't been this excited about a fight for years! I can't wait to fight this guy!"

"WAIT!" burst out Freeza, "this is just a stupid legend told to me by an uncle who wets himself! It isn't real, besides you'll probably never get over the mountains. You'll be lost forever- Here let me help you pack!" He finished quickly grabbing a rack sac and throwing food and mountaineering equipment into it.

"You'll probably find the mountains easy anyway," declared Cell confidently. "I bet the only reason no one has ever come back is because it's so much nicer on the other side."

"Even if it is hard it'll be great training just getting over them!" declared Goku eagerly, "I really can't wait! Let's leave tonight." He continued digging out three more rack sacs and throwing them to the startled other members of the HFILPD. "Get packed quickly!" he urged, "If we hurry we can start the climb at day break tomorrow."

Freeza looked mournfully at the rack sac Goku had just thrown him.

"That wasn't the royal we perchance?" he asked nervously.

* * *

"Welcome to The Mountains of Doom," said Freeza as they drove into the car park, "abandon all hope all ye who enter!"

"Freeza!" snapped Goku, "stop trying to destroy our morale!"

"I'm not," retorted Freeza, "I'm just reading the welcome sign!" he finished gesturing to the aforementioned sign.

"Oh," said Goku sheepishly.

"Besides," put in Cell, "my morale was destroyed the moment we put those rack sacs into the boot. They've made us wheelie all the way here."

"Yes that did make the roundabouts pretty exciting!" declared Goku cheerfully, "But that only means that we've already set a HFIL record today for longest ever wheelie…"

"And for most multi car pile ups caused…" muttered Cell. Goku ignored him.

"And we're going to set another one by being the first people to cross these mountains and to come back!" he finished proudly. They parked the car and removed their rack sacs form the boot, causing the Sunny to land back on its wheels with a sudden suspension breaking thud. Goku, Freeza and Cell struggled into their packs, staggering under the weight.

"I didn't know you could fit over one hundred tons of junk into a rack sac!" burst out Freeza.

"Goku!" gasped Cell, "we can't possible need this much stuff! What's in this anyway?"

"Food," said Goku bluntly.

"All this is food," exclaimed Cell.

"Oh and a tent," added Goku. There was a large thud as Freeza collapsed under the weight of his pack. "Well," explained Goku, "I though it was unlikely that we'd be able to get any food in the mountains and I didn't want to climb on an empty stomach."

"We're dead!" screamed Cell, "we don't need food!"

"Yes but it's still nice to have," pointed out Goku. "Carrying a slightly heavier pack will be worth it at dinner time. Besides Cooler isn't complaining."

"I like balloons," declared Cooler calmly walking past them. His pack was floating in the air attach to the insane Icejin by a piece of string. Cell and Goku watched him go.

"What's Cooler got it his sac?" asked Freeza from the ground, "a light snack?" He smiled expectantly through the silence. "Oh come on!" he snapped at last, "not even a sympathy laugh."

"I don't encourage torture," pointed out Goku. Freeza glared at him. He was about to respond when an ogre suddenly ran out to meet them.

"Excuses me," asked franticly, "Are you going to try and climb The Mountains of Doom?"

"Just about to," declared Goku cheerfully, "Do you want to come with us?"

"Gosh no I have a wife and kids," he declared, "I can't be obliterated or lost forever quite yet. However I do run the HFIL geographical committee. I know as much as anyone in existence about these mountains, their unique physics and various dangerous fauna and flora. I'd be delighted to share my knowledge with you and inform your next of kin if any of you or any bits of you make it back out of the range."

"Why that's very decent of you," said Goku cheerfully.

"Excellent," exclaimed the Ogre, "Please follow me to the visitor's centre."

"Hold on!" interrupted Cell, "I'm not going to waste my time in some tacky visitor's canter."

"But Cell it might have lots of important information about the mountains," pointed out Goku.

"And central heating," added Freeza hopefully picking him self off the floor. Cell scoffed.

"We're not climbing any mountains," he snapped, "we'll just fly over them."

"People have tried that," pointed out the Ogre, "they all crashed in the fog that clings to the mountains." He gestured to the mountains, well to the lower vertical cliff faces of the mountains as the rest of them were hidden by the unbelievably thick fog.

"Well they weren't biologically perfect androids," declared Cell confidently.

"But the fog is too thick for anyone to see through!" declared the Orge desperately.

Fog is just low cloud," pointed out Cell, "fly high enough and you'll fly over it, observe." With that he dropped his pack and shot into the air like a rocket, vanishing into the fog. A few seconds later Cell crashed head first into the floor a few meters to Goku's left.

"Cell!" exclaimed Goku leaping into the resulting creator "are you alright?"

"Yes I'm fine," snapped Cell as he tried to straighten out the top of his head, "crashing head first into solid rock at umpteen million miles per hour never hurt anyone!"

"Oh that's alright then," said Goku, "why did you crash anyway?"

"Well our friend forgot to inform me about the mountains coming out of the roof of hell!" exclaimed Cell furiously, "or the fact that up and down swap over half way up and…. What are you doing with that tape recorder?"

"Fascinating," commented the Ogre stopping the tape recorder "You must come inside and tell me all about it."

"Alright let's go," said Goku following the Ogre with Freeza and Cooler. Cell stared at them from the bottom of the creator.

"Don't help me up or anything!" he snapped at last.

* * *

There are two types of museum in the world. There are the modern ones which are brightly lit places with lots of brightly coloured models and touch screen computers which work together to look very pretty and tell almost nothing! The other sort is the kind of museum that was built and incidentally last cleaned, a couple of hundred years before anything it actually exhibits was made. They contain lots of information but the dust prevents you from reading it. The mountains' visitor's centre was of the later variety.

The HFILPD moved slowly through its cramped interior, ducking thousand year old cobwebs and looking in display cases containing old climbing equipment and a thirty page essay explaining what each one did in a long extinct language. The only mildly interesting item in the room was a severed arm, sitting neatly in its own display case.

"I used to keep my enemies' arms in cases like that," declared Freeza as they walked past, "except mine were cleaned regularly." He turned to Goku, "yours would have looked good in a nice mahogany case," he finished wistfully. Goku held his arm up to the case briefly before deciding to ignore the Icejin.

"So whose arm is this any way?" asked Cell.

"That," declared the mountain Ogre "is the arm of the famous explorer Stanly Longbow. He took a group of fifty well equipped men in to the mountains of doom in order to become the fist man to cross them."

"I assume it didn't end well," said Cell bluntly.

"Well it was the most successful trip ever recorded," declared the Ogre, "they made it five miles in before they were all obliterated!"

"Oh that's reassuring," lied Freeza.

"What obliterated them?" asked Goku curiously.

"Well that was the best thing about this trip," declared the Ogre enthusiastically, "Usually the only thing we get out of the mountains is echoes of the mountaineer's screams. But thanks to the sudden volcanic eruption that finished off Stanly we got his diary and a detailed account of what obliterated his men."

"Sudden volcanic eruptions," repeated Freeza, nervously, before pulling out a note book and titling a page; "Things to avoid".

"Now according to his writings the first thing to be aware of in the mountains is that the physics isn't the same as in the rest of hell," continued the Ogre. "Gravity is about a thousand times stronger. This is probably because the rocks are much denser so there is more mass in this area to pull you down. This leads to the obvious problem of avalanches which can crush a soul, and volcanic eruptions which are hotter than a thousand suns."

"Goku how hot is the sun?" asked Freeza.

"Not sure," muttered Goku, "ask Cooler, he's been through it."

"It's a bit brisk in winter," declared Cooler, "But the rest of the year it's always shorts weather!"

"Then there's falling off the mountain," the Ogre carried on with untamable enthusiasm, "but that's a bit of a no brainier, though the fog makes it hard to see where the edge is, or where anything is for that matter. Apparently the average visibility is two yards, but I think that's probably an exaggeration."

"Oh good," said Cell slightly relieved.

"Yes in winters it's probably actually only half that much," pointed out the Ogre.

"Dose the fog clear?" asked Goku.

"Oh yes," declared the Ogre, "When the volcanoes release sulphur clouds the fog tends to be blown away pretty quickly. Although the sulphur burns your eyes and skin so it's worse than the fog. But at least your not alive, if you had to breathe it would burn your insides too. But that's not nearly as dangerous as the flora and fauna of the mountain. You see it's all native to hell so it's evolved to feed off people's souls." There was a collective gulp from the HFILPD as the Ogre continued. "The plants can't breed easily so they have to survive, thus they are almost all poisonous. One prick from a thorn could dissolve your soul. As a result all the animals are carnivores eating each other or explorers. There's the anti gravity squid, the mountain venom wolf, the river dragon, the burrowing dolphin and worst of all there's the Webbing Griffin."

"Wow," said Goku, with a hint of eagerness, "are they really strong?"

"It's not only that," said the Ogre, "they can fire web from their mouths which they use to find and snare pray in the fog. Then they devour its soul. Fascinating creatures, I wish I could see one."

"Speak for yourself" muttered Cell. By this time the franticly scribbling Freeza had reached the bottom of the page on his note book.

"Excuse me?" he declared finally out of frustration, "is there anything on this mountain which isn't incredibly dangerous?" The Ogre thought for a worryingly long time.

"The grass is mostly harmless," he said at last, "unless it's wet, then it can be as slippery as Hell, and you can fall over and get impaled on a sharp rock."

"Oh joy," said Freeza sarcastically, "I should have cut my self a memorial stone before we left."

"Don't be sad brother," said Cooler caringly, "Mr. Severed Arm will cheer you up," he finished tapping Freeza on the shoulder with Stanley's arm.

"Please don't play with the exhibits," said the Ogre. Mr. Severed Arm gave him the finger before Cell interrupted.

"Is there anything else we should know about these mountains?" he asked. "You know just to finish off our morale before we start?"

"Nope that's pretty much it," said the Ogre happily.

"Well thanks for everything," said Goku, "When we get back we'll tell you all about it. We'll collect some stuff to go in your museum too if you like."

"Well it sounds like a waste of effort since I doubt I'll see you again," said the Ogre, "but thanks for the offer. I have got something I can give you though, a map of the area you'll be exploring." He handed Goku a rolled up piece of paper.

"Gee thanks," said Goku gratefully unfurling the sheet, "This'll be really… hang on its completely blank."

"Yes," declared the Ogre, "I was hoping you would fill it in as you went."

* * *

_From the Mountain Notes of Son Goku_

_Day 1_

_We set off with good spirits, mainly because Freeza brought three bottles of vodka with him. He drank two of those just to give him the courage to start up the first mountains. Gee these mountains are steep. And tall __too__, they make the ones at home look like mole hills, I don't know how any one could climb them with out being able to fly._

_We made good progress cause we can fly up the steepest bit as long as we stay near enough to the ground so we know where we're going. It's impossible to fly away from the mountains, you'll get lost in the fog. Freeza tried it, fortunately his drunken singing allowed us to find him again. The extra gravity is weighing our packs down too although Freeza stopped complaining about it after he got lost._

_Anyway we must have gone 10 or so miles today, it's really slow progress for us but since we haven't been attacked or got lost today I'll take it. Hopefully we'll do more each day from now on. Cell and I had some BBQ burgers for dinner but Freeza fell asleep before they were cooked. All in all a good start._

_Day 2_

_Bad start today. Freeza woke up with a killer headache and in a very bad mood. If anything the fog was worse today. Cell decided that we should sing loudly to make sure we didn't lose sight of each other. I agreed as I thought it would __boost__ our __morale__. Freeza wasn't so keen but he was out voted. The song made me feel better but as Freeza's __headach__e got worse he claimed he couldn't do it anymore. So we decided to tie ourselves together instead. It was at this point I noticed Cooler was missing. He'll probably turn up somewhere but it is quite annoying since he has all our cooking equipment and fire wood. Cell said "I told you so" about spreading that stuff out. However he was shut up by Freeza accidentally pulling his end of the rope taught when Cell's end was around his neck. Freeza was very apologetic after we freed Cell. He said that he never meant to "hangover" Cell. Everyone was in a bad mood for the rest of the day although our spirits picked up a bit when we found some supplies on a mountain ledge. They made a good extra meal. And we covered a good 40 miles I reckon_

_Day 3_

_This mourning I discovered that those supplies we found on the ledge were our supplies. They were supposed to be in Freeza's pack but he must have dumped them there when he got lost on day one. He claims he was drunk and didn't know that he had done it. While Cell hit him for wasting our supplies it occurred to me that this means we are going round in circles, which means my campus is broken. So we guessed a direction and set off again. Less arguments today because we taped Freeza's mouth shut. I say less because you wouldn't believe how well he can argue through hand signals… some more miles under our belt though._

_Day 4_

_No __Fog today__! The view was amazing. However before we could take off it started raining really hard. So hard we still couldn't see. We tried to climb over the clouds again but all we found was lots of snow. I suggested we eat it i__nstead__ of food to save our supplies. It wasn't very tasty, not like the ice cream I had hoped it would taste like. That was until Cell found some Yellow snow which he very kindly let me have. It had more flavor although it wasn't very nice. Still I was most grateful for his generosity. And people think he hates. Better progress today I think we could make it in a few days._

_Day 5_

_No one got much sleep last night. It was stormy and some one was snoring loudly. We all argue over who it was until we realized that we were all a wake but the snoring was still going on! We searched for the source for a while but we couldn't find it, although some of our supplied had been eaten! Eventually we went back to our tent only to find that it had been blown over a cliff by the storm. So we had to "sleep" under a jut it the cliff. At least we were all awake to start moving again as soon as the sun was up. Well actually the sun never comes up here but it gets a little lighter. The rain has soaked the tape on Freeza's mouth so we can hear him whining again. Still Cell managed to shut him up with the tent peg hammer. It's the only use for it now since we have no tent._

_The storm carried on all day today. I'm soaked through, very tired and the gravity seems to be getting stronger, there's no end to the mountains in sight and I couldn't be happier. I've never had a harder continuous training routine in my life, it's awesome! I'll be much stronger when I get out of here. Cell and Freeza aren't as enthusiastic about this as I am but I'm sure they'll lighten up when the rain stops._

_Day 6_

_It's still raining but I think I've seen a short cut though a tunnel in the side of a mountain. The only problem is has two entrances, I wonder which one we should use._

_Day 7_

_Day 8_

_Day 9_

_Day 10_

_Great day today, we finally made it out of the tunnel. It was quite a cave, full of freezing pot holes with killer eels, not to mention the giant underground ants when it was dry. They carried us to the queen to feed us to her, which was great because we didn't have to walk our selves. Fortunately we __were__ saved from being food by an attack from a rival ant nest. What a battle, I thought we were in trouble until Cell brought the roof of the nest down on top of them. We haven't had so much fun in ages. Oh and then we were chased by sulfuric gases, we must have burst a pocket in the fight. We could only escape by diving into an__underground__ lake. There we were attacked by an octopus. It tried to drown me but Freeza saved me! I've never seen him act so bravely. He shouted "DON'T EAT MY SOUL!! I WANT TO EXIST!" to get its attention and then fled into a small tunnel despite the fact that everyone knows that an Octopus' arms can easily reach into small tunnels. Still his "hiding" distracted the Octopus so we could blast it. This was a double success as I got some ink to fill my pen up with after it ran out on day six. Well we got out in the end and it turned out that we didn't need to worry about which entrance we chose at the start of the caves, because the whole thing was just a loop which linked the two entrances. So we ended up back where we started! How we laughed when we found out! Well Freeza wept a bit but that might he because he doesn't like octopus. Still it should keep us going for a while since we've eaten all the rest of our supplies._

_Day 11_

_After all the time we lost in the cave we finally made some more progress to day. I'm beginning to worry that we might not get back in time for the other world tournament, it's only a week or so away now. Cell and Freeza weren't very sympathetic when I told them. I think they miss the excitement of the cave. At least the weather is just foggy but the lack of rain couldn't lift our spirits. It's really cold now; I've lost my boots in the cave so my feet are frozen! I was stamping them to warm myself up when I was caught by a constricting snake. It must have been drawn in by my stamping. It was really strong I couldn't break out at Super Saiyan even. I was about to try level two when Cell and Freeza came to my rescue by punching the snake. It must have been a slippery creature because they seemed to miss and punch me a lot. Cell got me right on the nose! Then everything was black for a while._

_When I woke up they were much happier and had cooked the snake, which was very tasty actually although it was painful to eat it; I think one of their misses broke my jaw… Any way I'm sore but satisfied._

_Day 12_

_We all slept well last night for the first time in a while. We had lots of octopus and snake left for supplies so I was confident of a good day. Little did I know it would be the worst day yet! It all started when Freeza said…_

* * *

"Are we nearly there yet?"

There was a pause. Goku thought deeply for a moment staring out into the fog.

"I have no idea," he said at last, "all these mountain ledges look the same."

"That and the fact we don't actually know where there is," pointed out Cell.

"Of course we know where there is!" snapped Freeza, "it's where ever Alexicea is!"

"And how on hell should we know where that is!" shouted Cell. There was a slight rumbling near by but Goku was the only one who heard it.

"Oh I don't know," snapped Freeza loudly and sarcastically, "if he's really strong like the legend says perhaps you two geniuses could try sensing his energy."

"OH stop whi-" began Cell before stopping in a horrified silence. "Freeza just suggested something clever!" he exclaimed.

"Yes," agreed Goku, "the stress of the mountain journey must be getting to him."

"I have been known to come up with clever plans!" snapped Freeza bitterly.

"Like your plan to wipe out the Sai-" began Cell mockingly.

"ENOUGH WITH MY DESTRUCTION OF PLANET VEGETA!" screamed Freeza causing a louder rumble in the distance. "Just tell me if you can sense this guy or not?"

Cell and Goku pause for a moment.

"No," said Goku at last, "I guess that would make it too easy if we could. I mean I could just teleport there if I could sense his power level. He 's probably suppressing it so it's more of a challenge."

"Or more likely," countered Freeza, "it's because he doesn't exist!!!!" He finished loudly. "We'll never find him because there's nothing to find. I should never have come here. I should have taken the beating at home and gotten it over with. Now I'm doomed to roam these forsaken mountains forever. Oh woe is Freeza."

"Well I'm worse off!" butted in Cell.

"How come?" asked Freeza.

"I have to spend it with you!"

"Oh don't worry guys," interrupted Goku cheerfully, "we won't be lost here forever. Those soul eating creatures are bound to get us eventually. According to the laws of averages."

"Thank you Goku, I feel soooo much better now!" snapped Freeza.

"Oh come off it you two," blurted out Cell "nothing in this mountain is remotely dangerous! This place is annoying yes, but all these animals and natural disasters are only a threat to pathetic normal people. We're all well above it."

"You weren't singing that tune when the ants were taking us to the Queen," pointed out Freeza.

"I was not screaming!" said Cell quickly, "I was powering up!"

"Really," said Goku innocently, "because I never saw you wet yourself when you powered up before."

"You'd have thought he'd have been comfortable with ants!" declared Freeza, "since he's a cockroach, their pretty similar!"

"SHUT UP!" snapped Cell, causing another rumble in the distance. "I was just saying there was nothing to be afraid of! Last time I try and boast your morale."

"But Cell you must give the mountain some respect," said Goku earnestly, "the moment you think your safe is the moment you're in the most danger."

"It's a mountain Goku!" declared Cell, "It's a big pointy piece of rock, it's not an animal trying to lull me into a false sense of security."

"Okay Cell, just stay alert okay," muttered Goku.

"Why" asked Cell "I mean what's the worst it can do? I know let's ask it!" Cell took a deep breath and started bellowing at searching for android 18 volume. "OH MR MOUNTAIN! MY BACK IS TURN AND I'M UNARMED. WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOMETHING!"

"He's flipped," exclaimed Freeza, "I always knew mountain air was bad for you."

"COME ON!" continued Cell his voice echoing throughout the mountain range, "SEND SOME CREATURES TO ATTACK ME OR START A VOLCANIC ERUPTION. I WON'T EXPECT IT HONEST." At this point a loud rumbling started! Goku and Freeza dived into a small enclave in the cliff for cover as Cell spread his arms and moved to the far edge of the ledge.

"Cell!" called Goku, "your voice is causing an avalanche!"

"THEN LET IT," laughed Cell still at maximum volume, "COME ON MOUNTAIN DO YOUR WORSE!!!" Goku and Freeza braced them selves. The rumbling got louder and louder. Somewhere near by millions of tons of rock and snow was tumbling through the fog towards them. Then it suddenly stopped. Cell laughed quietly.

"Well I think I proved my point," he said happily turning to Goku and Freeza, "come on ladies get out of the hen house."

"I AM NOT A CHICKEN!" screamed Freeza, leaping out from the enclave. At that moment the rumbling started again! The whole mountain seemed to leap out of the fog towards them. Freeza froze but Goku grabbed him by the tail and pulled him back into the enclave. Cell flew a few meters into the air allowing the avalanche to pass beneath him.

"IS THAT IT?" he bellowed, "YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT!"

If there's one thing you should learn from most stories it's that pride comes before an ironically timed fall. And this story is no different.

As Cell mocked the mountain a familiar figure a mere forty yards away was shouting "FORE!"

The Golf ball hurtled out of the fog at an incredible speed. It hit Cell directly in the temple. The android looked surprised for a moment. Then he fell from the sky into the tons of sliding rock. He disappeared with it over the cliff.

"OH NO!" cried Goku, "CELL!" Goku tried to think of something useful he could do without getting crushed. He couldn't, so he resorted to optimistic shouting instead. "Try to role on landing! We'll be down in a bit!" he called.

"You know he probably can't hear you," pointed out Freeza. Goku shrugged as the last of the rock passed over their heads. Then he ran to the edge of what was left of the ledge to see what had happened. This was of course stupid because all they could see was fog. Suddenly Goku noticed that there was another person with them. He looked up to see some one in hideous and luminous yellow and purple golf gear.

"Oh No," said Cooler sadly, "It landed in the Android hazard! There goes my birdie."

"COOLER YOU IDIOT!" screamed Freeza, "THAT'S MY GOLF TOP…"

* * *

Goku, Freeza and Cooler hurried down the cliff to look for Cell. They didn't have to go too far, the pile of boulders from the avalanche was high enough to almost be a mountain it's self.

"Cell!" called Goku as he landed on the top of the pile, "are you alright? If you can hear me say something." There was utter silence except for the sound of Freeza scoffing.

"Like that's going to work," he said mockingly. "Why don't you let me try something he's more likely to respond to." With out waiting for Goku's reply Freeza called out, "Cell, if you can hear me, makes some sarcastic comment about you being perfectly fine because being crushed by millions of tons of rock never hurt anyone!"

"Okay so he's probably hurt," agreed Goku, "we better start digging him out."

"Why bother!" exclaimed Freeza, "he's probably crushed to soul pulp or what ever it's made of. Let's just go home and split up his stuff. I've always fancied that smoking jacket of his, and you can have his collection of amusing postcards…"

"Sorry Freeza," said Goku putting the brakes on the Icejin's plan, "but Cell's will states that all his processions should be burnt so that you don't get any…"

"What!" exclaimed Freeza, "you wouldn't! Would you?"

"Well his popcorn maker might mysteriously end up in haven…" declared Goku "but the rest would be burnt."

"Darn it," growled Freeza, "if I had known he was going to be obliterated I would have brown nosed him a bit beforehand."

"Is that why you where so nice to me after I brought that vending machine hot dog?" demanded Goku.

"No," said Freeza sarcastically, "I just admire those who support our struggling fast food industry! Now let's stop talking and start digging. If I rescue Cell perhaps he will give me the jacket as a reward!"

"If you find my ball don't move it!" ordered Cooler, "I don't want to take a penalty shot."

"You know," said Goku as he began to move the rocks, "I'm beginning to think I should have just tried out Super Saiyan 3 in haven…"

* * *

Moving the rocks was a slow and laborious process. Only kidding. Now that the rocks where stationary breaking them up and chucking the remains away took no time at all thanks to Freeza's kenza discs and Goku's speed and strength. Cooler's JCB also helped… Eventually they heard a muffled groan from under a rock. Pulling it away they reviled a very battered and bruised Cell.

"See!" he declared triumphantly, "there's nothing dangerous on this mountain!"

"You're alright!" exclaimed Goku in shock.

"Yep," replied Cell looking very relaxed, "couldn't be better actually."

"Then why didn't you help us when we where digging you out?" demanded Freeza.

"Well you seemed like you where having fun," declared Cell, "and I dared not move lest I cause one of those avalanches you two were so afraid of. The shock might have ruined you're next round of eggs!"

"You Bastard!" burst out Freeza, "and after I was so worried about you. I was terrified that you where destroyed and all I'd have to remember you by was a smoking jacket. Oh and twenty six little brats who look like you."

"That's enough you guys," exclaimed Goku, "we've lost enough time today. If we hurry we can still get in forty miles or so before night."

"Very wel-" began Cell, but before he could move on to any insulting comments he was hit in the face with a golf club. There was a loud crunch as a ball flew out of Cell's ear and down the pile of rocks into the fog.

"Well my Cell Wedge did its job," said Cooler happily bagging the club and setting off down the pile.

"Wow" exclaimed Freeza "Cooler did something helpful for once!"

"How was that helpful?" demanded Goku furiously.

"It made me feel a lot better," explained Freeza. Goku bent down over Cell.

"Cell, speak to me!" he said urgently. "He's been knocked out!"

"No he hasn't!" snapped Freeza, "He's just being lazy. Look he'll respond if I hurt him!" With that Freeza shot a death beam into the stationary android. There was no movement. "Hmmm a committed actor," declared Freeza, "Okay we'll throw him in the nearest lake, if he let's himself drown that'll prove that he's unconscious."

"He's dead," said Goku, "he doesn't need to breathe so he can't drown."

"Okay," said Freeza apparently undeterred, "we'll throw him in a volcano to incinerate his soul, that'll wake him up if he's faking it."

"He's not faking it!" snapped Goku, "you blew a hole in his chest and he didn't flinch!"

"It was only a small hole," pointed out Freeza.

"Stop it, we're wasting time," declared Goku, "we'll just have to carry him." He picked Cell up with a fireman's lift.

"Well if he wasn't unconscious before he will be now that he's right by your arm pit!" mocked Freeza.

"Okay I'm sorry the ants stole all our shower gel," said Goku. "Now will you please pick up Cell's pack." And with that the Saiyan set off down the rock pile.

Freeza grabbed Cell's pack and hauled it onto his back next to his own.

"Oh this is fair," he muttered, "Cell gets hit in the head by a golf club after being crushed by millions of tons of rock and now I have to carry his pack! No one in this life or the last has worse luck then me!"

* * *

Despite the excess weight Goku insisted on doing what he reckoned was forty miles before stopping. Freeza took this decision with his usual good grace. Eventually they found a relatively wide part of the ledge where Cooler was already sleeping, face down in his upright golf bag, and decided to make camp.

"You know," said Goku, as he tucked into to his octopus, "this tastes different then it did yesterday. That doesn't make much sense because I used the same amount of ki to cook it today."

"It's probably the maggots!" snapped Freeza, pointing to the now dead worms that filled his dinner.

"Oh?" said Goku, thoughtfully, "They do add a bit of texture. Perhaps we could find some weevils to add to our next meal."

"I shouldn't be surprised," grumbled Freeza, "as a monkey you're used to eating bugs off… Oh crap I can't even think about it with out wanting to throw up."

"Well if you're not going to finish your Octopus a la maggot…" began Goku.

"No!" snapped Freeza clutching it tightly, "I worked hard for this disgusting piece of meat, so I'm going to eat it! I didn't carry those two packs, dig out that lazy android and get a black eye for nothing."

"Yeah that black eye was unfortunate," commented Goku, finishing off his octopus. "I mean what where the odds of that eagle dropping-"

"I thought we weren't going to talk about it ever again!" snapped Freeza sorely.

"Fine," said Goku, leaning back against the rock face. "I'm going to sleep- hey," he exclaimed suddenly, "that's an odd looking puddle."

Freeza, keen to take his eye off the rotting meat in his hand turned to see what Goku was on about.

"It's a foot print," he declared instantly, "looks like it came from a huge lion." He finished.

"Wow!" exclaimed Goku, "this could be dangerous. Griffins are half lion aren't they? This means there must be those webbing griffins in the area."

"Goku it's a fossilized foot print!" snapped Freeza.

"Is that worse?" asked Goku earnestly.

"No it means it was made millions of years ago at the soonest!" barked Freeza.

"Still we should post a watch," declared Goku, "If one of them was to come and drag off Cell in the night…"

"They'd have my eternal gratitude," finished Freeza.

"…He wouldn't be able to defend himself!" corrected Goku. "One of us will have to keep an eye on him to make sure that doesn't happen."

"Okay," agreed Freeza, "have fun!"

"I thought we'd split it," continued Goku, "Since your still eating you can take first watch. Wake me up at about three."

"What I'm not staying up to three!" snapped Freeza, "look I've finished eating too!" he quickly rammed the chunk of octopus into his mouth and started chewing quickly. Then considerably slower as soon as the disgusting taste filled his mouth.

"Goodnight Freeza," said Goku, cheerfully, "don't even think about messing with my watch or letting Cell be dragged off. Oh and don't let the mouth bugs bite!" With that the Saiyan started snoring as if someone had just flicked a switch.

Freeza furiously spat out the Octopus!

"Damn it Cell!" he snapped "He gets to sleep all day while I do all his work, I now I have to stay up all night too and I didn't even get polished! Wait a second where did that come from? Oh no! Now I'm talking to myself, the tiredness is driving me mad like Cooler! I have to sleep- hang on a second…"

Freeza leapt to his feet and ran over to Cooler's golf bag. He pulled his brother out the bag and started shaking him viscously.

"Wakey wakey Cooler!" he tried. When this didn't work he bashed Cooler's head against the rock shouting; "Wake up!" in rhythm with each hit. Eventually this became too tiring. Freeza sat down and thought for a moment. Then he noticed that Cooler had the word "ON" written on the back of his left hand. Freeza pulled the hand back and Cooler immediately sprung into life.

"Good morning brother!" he declared, "Would you like a hot chocolate?" he finished producing the beverage from no where.

"Err no," said Freeza, "Listen I have a very important job for you." Cooler stare intently- not at Freeza but at a small pebble on the ground. Freeza forcefully redirected his brother's attention to Cell.

"See the lazy android over there," he said commandingly, "I want you to watch him all night! Focus your whole attention on him! Wake us up if anything bad happens! Okay."

"Okay!" declared Cooler cheerfully. He sat down next to Cell and immediately started a staring contest with the androids left arm. Freeza nodded to himself happily before lying down on the ledge. If there was one thing that he was good at, it was delegating responsibility.

* * *

Goku woke up suddenly with a loud beeping in his ear. Like any other person in the universe Goku rolled over to hit the snooze button on the alarm clock. However as he wasn't in a bed Goku rolled onto a sharp rock. The shock caused him to sit up and in doing so take stock of his surroundings. It only took him a second to recall that he should be in the endlessly foggy mountains however something was still wrong. The first thing that occurred to him was that he should have been woken up when it was still dark for his watch although now it was daylight. The second thing that he realized was that he hadn't brought an alarm clock. He hit Cooler directly on the head, causing him to shut up mid beep. Goku then looked for Cell and Freeza. The evil dictator was there; fast asleep against the ledge, Cell on the other hand…

* * *

Cell regained consciousness very suddenly. It quickly became apparent that he was no longer on the pile of rocks, the last thing that he remembered. In fact he was in some sort of cave. Light from one side told him that he was near the mouth. Cell tired to get up but he was unable to move, not matter how hard he tried. A quick glance revealed that he was tightly stuck to the floor by some sort of web. He must have been tied down very tightly because he couldn't feel his legs. However when he turned his head to one side he found another possible reason that he couldn't feel his legs. The fact that they were lying, half eaten, in the corner of the cave beside a pair of sleeping griffins.

* * *

"Well that's one mystery solved," thought Cell surprisingly calmly, then he fainted, an event he'd later blame on blood loss…

Freeza was in a deep sleep. Usually he could sleep like an extinct volcano. Thus it took more then Goku throwing a rock at him to wake him up. The fifth rock did the trick.

"I don't want to go to the tutor Mummy!" he exclaimed sleepily rolling over and sucking his thumb.

"I'm not your mummy!" snapped Goku.

"This better be important Gizo," said Freeza with sleepy authority this time, "Or I'll kill you and give Zarbon your job!" Goku kicked him hard in the back. Freeza leapt to his feet!

"Okay cell I'm u-" then he finally realized the obvious, "you're not Cell. In fact where is Cell?"

"That's what I was wondering!" said Goku staring hard at Freeza. Freeza brain was now in emergency pass the buck mode.

"Cooler you idiot!" he snapped quickly, "I told you to wake Goku so he could start his watch after I finished mine. I would have done it myself only he was sleeping so peacefully that I did a few extra hours so that he could sleep for longer!" he finished earnestly pulling his most trust worthy face.

"Nice try Freeza," said Goku, "but it broke down on the bit where you pretended to care for my well being."

"Oh," said Freeza slowly. "Well I did tell him to watch Cell and to wake us up if anything bad happened!"

"And I did that," replied Cooler cheerfully, "I watched the web griffins drag Cell off to there cave and then I woke you two up."

"But only in the morning hours later!" screamed Freeza.

"Well you didn't say when I should wake you up," pointed out Cooler.

"Okay, okay," said Freeza changing tact "the important thing is not to blame each other, we were all collectively responsible."

"No we're not!" snapped Goku, "You shouldn't have trusted Cooler to watch Cell!"

"And you shouldn't have trusted me!" declared Freeza, "so technically it's your fault!"

"Oh for-" began Goku, "no this doesn't matter right now what matters is Cell."

"Your right," agreed Freeza, "Let's go home and arrange a nice memorial service for him. I think we should wear bright clothes and party hats so it's not a sad occasion. Not that it would be anyway."

"I was more sort of thinking of rescuing him from the Web Griffins!" pointed out Goku, "Cooler you saw where they took him didn't you. Lead us there!"

"Program set," declared Cooler, "at the next rock turn right."

"Great," exclaimed Goku excitedly, "come on Freeza, we have some griffins to find."

"Well good luck with that," said Freeza bluntly, "but I gain a healthy aversion to these soul eating creatures in that tunnel so I'm staying here. Say hi to the cave full of Web Griffins for me though!" he added.

"Fine stay here by yourself," said Goku dismissively, "in these mountains crawling with soul eating monsters." With that he followed Cooler into the fog. Freeza stood still for a moment looking at the mountains. They suddenly seemed very big and lonely. Then a lot less lonely when a giant saber toothed spider climbed on to the ledge. Freeza gave it one look and then ran into the mist screaming; "Wait for me!"

* * *

Cell had recovered from his second round of unconsciousness and had set about trying to escape. With great effort he'd managed to chew his way through one strand of the webbing that held him in place. This left him with only 34 million to go.

"If those Web Griffins stay asleep for another seven thousand three hundred and nine years, two hundred and seventy days, thirteen hours, 20 minutes and one second," he thought, "I might be able to get an arm free!"

The hopelessness of the situation didn't really bother him. What did bother him was the irritating feeling that he secretly was hoping for Goku and Freeza to come rescue him. That was a new low, just a little bit lower then desperately trying to chew through some web to avoid becoming Griffin food.

Just as he was about to break through his second strand he hear a familiar voice.

"Turn left at the cave mouth," declared Cooler. "You have now reached your destination!" he finished proudly.

"Cell!" burst out Goku delightedly, "you still exist! Freeza we made it in time."

"Oh good," said Freeza with out much enthusiasm. He glared at Cell, "you could at least pretend to be pleased to see us!" he sniffed.

Cell wasn't please to see them, not because he didn't want to be rescued, but because they where talking very loudly and were apparently oblivious to the sleeping Griffins that they where standing right next to! He tried to put his finger to his lip to make a ssshhh gesture but as his hand was bound this only made him look demented. So he tired to nod at a Griffin instead. This also made him look stupid. However after a few minutes of puzzled glares Freeza and Goku finally noticed the pack of web griffins sleeping in the cave. Freeza was about to scream but Goku, showing some level of intelligence quickly covered his mouth.

"Cooler stay here," he whispered, "Freeza and I will get Cell."

"What!" hissed Freeza, "I wouldn't go in there to save a younger version of my self if I went back in time to do so for some strange reason…. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but you get the picture."

"Oh of course I do," said Goku quietly, before shoving Freeza deeper into the cave "You want to go first."

"Stupid Freeza," thought Cell, "he should know by now that Goku always does more dangerous things to save other people then he would ever do to save himself!"

Freeza stumbled but didn't step on any web griffins. With Goku right behind him they tip toed towards Cell around the griffins blocking there path. They reached Cell with out further incident and proceeded to try and pull his web cocoon off the floor. Cell's pride recovered a little when they failed to do so. Their attempts to break the webbing were also a failure.

"This is hopeless," whispered Freeza, "let's leave him to his fate before we join him!"

"I can hear you by the way!" snapped Cell.

"Wait," whispered Goku, "I haven't tried Super Saiyan yet."

"You're not doing that!" declared Freeza forgetting about the volume limit for a moment, "all that shouting and flashing will wake up those griffins before I can run off!"

"Well you can't leave me here!" exclaimed Cell.

"Just watch me!" said Freeza "besides I though you said there was nothing dangerous in these mountains!"

"Okay I was wrong about that," admitted Cell grudgingly. Usually he would have rather been destroyed then admit he was wrong but being eaten didn't seem like a good way to go.

"Okay now that's sorted let's grab his head," whispered Goku, "If we pull it enough maybe more of his body will slip out!"

"I've got a better way to grab his head," declared Freeza mischievously, "hold his head still."

"What are you doing," asked Cell nervously. Freeza said nothing but powered up a Kienzan disc. Cell didn't have time to protest. There was a red flash and a moment later Goku jumped back from Cell's body holding the android's head!

"Alright he's free let's go," hissed Freeza. Goku and Cell stood there silently in a state for shock. Eventually Cell found his tongue.

"You bastard!" he burst out, "you cut my head off!"

"Don't shout!" snapped Freeza, "you'll wake them up. Besides it's not like this is permanent, you can grow a new one!"

"That doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell!" growled Cell, "anyway we can't leave my body there to be eaten. It's biological perfection!"

"Well then it's a perfect meal for these creatures!" retorted Freeza.

"How dare you!" exclaimed Cell, "Goku lift me up so I can head butt him!"

"Will you two be quiet!" hissed Goku; he gestured to one of the griffins next to them. It was beginning to stir. The HIFLPD watched in horror as the creature raised its head. Then it yawned and fell back to sleep. There was a collective sigh of relief.

"**BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP**!" suddenly rang out from the exit of the cave. Cooler was shouting at the top of his lungs.

"What the-" burst out Goku as all the web griffins leapt to their feet.

"You most have only put him on snooze mode you idiot!" snapped Freeza.

"What kind of an alarm clock has a forty five minute snooze button!" cried Goku.

"One which doubles up as a sat-nav," replied Cooler cheerfully from the safer side of the web griffins that had now surrounded his colleagues.

"What are you w-waiting for Mr. Hero?" asked Freeza nervously, back up to the rear of the cave. "Go and attack them."

"I'm not sure I should," said Goku nervously, "they are rare creatures. I could be breaking the law if it's an endangered species!"

"If you haven't notice we're the ones who are endangered!" snapped Cell.

"Yes but we're not the only Icejins, Saiyans or…what-ever-you-ares in existence," explained Goku. "This could be the only pack of web griffins ever! Hold on I have a plan. Freeza take Cell." Freeza caught the android's head as Goku powered up to Super Saiyan and Kamehamehaed one of the Griffin's. The creature flew back and hit the wall landing in an awkward heap.

"Freeza blast them back with non-killing moves!" ordered Goku.

"With what kind of moves?" asked Freeza clearly confused.

"Oh just use anything with out "death" in its name!" clarified Goku.

"But those are all my best moves!" whined Freeza. Just then Cell fired a mouth blast stopping a griffin from pouncing on them.

"Just fire a move!" the irritated head ordered.

"Fine," said Freeza. Pointing his figure at a griffin. "Mutilation beam!" A jagged beam shot out of his figures and hit the web griffin, giving it a minor cut.

"Is that the move you used to chop vegetables!" screamed Cell.

"Shut up or I'll attack them with my special "head throw" move!" snapped Freeza. The Griffin coiled back to spit webbing at them when it was hit by a blast from Goku.

"Hey this is a pretty good work out," he called cheerfully as he flew past.

"He's enjoying this!" exclaimed Freeza; "Okay now I'm mad!" he turned to the nearest griffin. "Eat Death Ball!" he shouted throwing the ball at the creature. The griffin watched it for a moment; then it opened its beak as wide as it could and swallowed it. Freeza stared completely dumb struck.

"What an obedient creature!" mocked Cell, "Perhaps you could tell them to go away."

"Go away!" shouted Freeza. Well it was worth a shot.

The creatures suddenly stopped. They stood still for a moment before turning round and quickly flying out of the cave.

"Wow Freeza," exclaimed Goku, "how did you do that?"

"I guess they just obey people with natural authority and leadership skills," declared Freeza.

"Yes," agreed Cell, "that or the smell of your breath!"

"Oh come on Cell," ordered Goku, "let's just be glad that we're finally safe."

Unfortunately all of the last three statements were wrong. Neither Freeza's breath nor his authority had scared the web griffins off and the HFILPD were far from safe.

For a moment later there was a loud rumbling and a huge stream of hot lava burst like a fountain out of the floor of the cave.

"Huh?" said Cell as the lava formed into a wave and started racing towards them, "So that's why they left."

"Yeah," said Goku. "My grandfather always used to say that animals can sense earthquakes and eruption's coming. I never believed him until now."

"Well I still don't!" began Freeza as the wave approached, "cause if it was true our monkey would ha-"

* * *

Goku awoke after an unknown amount of time in some pain. This was because someone was hitting him in the chest. He stopped when Goku suddenly sat up and coughed up a mixture of water and rocks.

"You're a lucky Saiyan," said an unfamiliar voice in his ear. "Most beings would have been destroyed by swallowing that much lava. If the flow hadn't washed into the river you, your companions and the talking head thing would have all been incinerated."

Goku didn't feel lucky; coughing up rocks was very painful. However he changed his opinion when he turned to look at his rescuer. He was no longer in the mountains. He was on a beautiful beach next to a huge lake that might even be a sea. Standing over to him was an Icejin, he looked like Freeza except he was taller with a thinner face and softer eyes. His body seemed to have been designed to be a statue or to strike a heroic pose. It couldn't have been anymore obvious if he had had "great leader" written all over him.

"Are you Alexicea?" he asked eagerly.

"Ah so my fame precedes me does it?" said Alexicea proudly, "Yes young Saiyan I am. Who are you by the way?"

"I'm Son Goku," declared Goku leaping to his feet, "I'm leader of the HFIL police force. These are my colleagues." He said gesturing to the others.

"I'm Freeza-" began Cooler before the real Freeza pushed him out the way.

"No you're not I am!" he snapped before turning to Alexicea. "Can I just say that it's an absolute honor to meet the most successful Icejin commander in history."

"Thank you," said Alexicea taking it in his stride. Goku didn't, it was all he could do to stop his jaw from dropping, Freeza never respected anyone but himself till now. Fortunately Freeza quickly returned to normal.

"Of course I was the second most successful!" he declared. "We should have a picture taken, the two greatest leaders together." He finished striking a heroic pose by putting his foot on a rock. Or at least what he thought was a rock.

"Stop standing on my head!" growled Cell, Freeza leapt back as Goku picked Cell's head up.

"What's with the head?" asked Alexicea curiously.

"Oh he usually has a body," explained Goku, "just he lost it in an accident."

"It was no accident!" snapped Cell.

"But he should have re-grown it by now!" pointed out Goku.

"Regeneration takes a lot of energy you know!" snapped Cell, "it's not like flicking a switch! And I've been using most of my energy to blast griffins and survive lava flows thanks to you two's incompetence- Hey where are you taking me? Don't you dare put me in that hole! Well you better not fill it in! Why you-" but the rest was muffled by sand.

"That's him dealt with," said Freeza proudly, "So where were we?"

"I was about to ask why a Saiyan with a halo was looking for me?" asked Alexicea suspiciously.

"Why I'm here to fight you," declared Goku in a non-threatening manor. "I heard you were the strongest guy in Hell and I need the best opponent I can find before the other world tournament!"

"Well I'm sorry but I can't help you," said Alexicea with a brief hint of regret, "but I gave up fighting thousands of years ago. When I found an even greater challenge out here." He finished his eyes misting over.

"Climbing the mountains?" asked Goku curiously, trying to hide his disappointment.

"No!" exclaimed Alexicea, "that's suicide! My new hobby is fishing!" he declared proudly.

"Fishing," said Goku weakly.

"FISHING!" exclaimed Cell regenerating in a burst of furry. Freeza looked like he was going to scream.

"Yes," said Alexicea with no hint of shame, "there's no thrill like the battle of wits, strength and skill between you and the fish, a skilled enemy you can't even see."

"So let's get this straight!" exclaimed Cell furiously, "we came all this way, nearly got eaten, incinerated and lost forever to find someone with an unhealthily love of FISHING!!!!"

"No we didn't!" said Freeza quickly, "and show some respect when you're talking about the greatest Icea leader in history. He's just kidding us around, a mighty warrior like him could never go off fighting."

"But if he hasn't done anything but fish for thousands of years he'll be well out of practice," pointed out Goku, "It wouldn't be a fair fight."

"He's right," admitted Alexicea, "but you're welcome to join me in a fishing contest."

"Nonsense!" declared Freeza walking round to Alexicea's side, "you don't need any training, you never forget how to fight. I bet you could kick that monkey's tail right off the bat!" he finished warmly patting Alexicea on the back. A little too hard as it turned out. Alexicea crumbled under the pat and landed in an unconscious heap on the floor. The HFILPD stared in shock.

"So much for your legend!" said Cell grumpily, "if Freeza could beat him with one hit he must be pathetic." Then he brightened up, "However this does mean that you, Freeza, are the strongest being in Hell."

"Why," exclaimed Freeza, "it does doesn't it! I am the greatest!" he declared jumping in to the air delightedly. "It's about time I got some recognition," he declared on landing, "my achievements were far greater then his after all!"

"Of course they were," said Goku in a suspiciously supportive manor that unsettled Freeza a little. Goku's and Cell's smiles also unsettled him.

"What's going on," he asked.

"Oh nothing," said Goku calmly, "except that since your now the strongest guy in hell I get to try out Super Saiyan 3 on you now!"

"Oh yeah," said Freeza thoughtfully. "Oh crap!" There was a huge flash of Yellow and then Freeza found himself on the end of an incredibly hard punch.

* * *

Freeza awoke in a pile of debris. He moved his least sore arm underneath him to pull out an object that was stabbing his back. It turn out to be a sign with visiting center written on it. Standing next to him was the ogre who ran the now destroyed visitor's centre; rather then being cross he looked delighted.

"You're the first being ever to go into the Mountains of Doom and return!" he exclaimed ecstatically. "Please," he continued pushing a tape recorder in Freeza's face, "what do you have to say about your amazing journey?"

Freeza thought for a moment before groaning his reply. "I would have saved a lot of time if I had just gotten beaten up at home!"

* * *

Great another story done. I will start the next one shortly but that will be my last idea at the moment. Thus I'm sending out another request for suggestions. The more I get the better. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. 


	13. How Cooler Got His Brain Back

Hi I'm back again

Hi I'm back again. I know it's been six months, life has been rather busy. It's a poor excuses but it's the only one I've got. Anyway thanks for all the suggestions, I can definitely get some stories out of those, please keep them coming. In the mean time here's the story that took half a year to write. Hope you enjoy it. First as always I must thank my beta reader Makota 2112 who also suggested this story…

* * *

How Cooler Got His Brain Back

"Working for the police is very different to working for a normal business. That is of course a pretty obvious statement as most business do not spend there time trying to capture criminals, although I'm sure they would if they believed they could make a profit out of it. Anyway the point I'm making is mainly about work rates. For your standard business the more work you are doing the better. Any time a machine or employee is standing idle, is time that they are not making products, selling products, or serving customers and thus are not making any profit for the company. On the other hand a police force's overall objective is to cut crime, thus a police force which is working non-stop is a failing police force, while one which has only a few calls a day is a successful police force…"

Goku finished reading "policing for the incompetent" out loud and looked up at his fellow officers.

"I'm all for successes and low crime rates," he said "but I'm beginning to get bored of not receiving any calls."

"Oh come off it Goku," said Cell calmly, "you surely you must be enjoying the break. It's just like when you were alive and no one was trying to blow up the Earth. I bet you weren't bored then."

"Well actually I was," said Goku. "I couldn't wait for the next challenge to come along. I only ever felt alive when someone was trying to kill me," he finished fondly.

"I knew it!" declared Freeza, "you are officially nuts! How can anyone enjoy it when people are trying to kill them?"

"Hey you certainly enjoyed it when you were fighting me and the others on Namek," pointed out Goku.

"That's because I was enjoying torturing you and your friends to death," retorted Freeza, "if you recall I enjoyed it a lot less when it looked like I was going to lose! Still I do agree with you on one point. Since there's been no crime recently I've had no suspects to torture."

"I thought I told you not to use torture when questioning suspects!" exclaimed Goku.

"Oh yeah," declared Freeza reaching into a drawer. "Then why do we have this?" he finished triumphantly withdrawing an implement from within.

"Freeza, that's a corkscrew," said Cell bluntly, "it's used for opening wine bottles."

"Oh," said Freeza discreetly pouring his wine down the drain. "I always used to have a servant for that."

Goku sighed and resumed reading his book out loud. He did so not only because he wasn't very good at reading but because he hoped that if Cell and Freeza heard what he was reading there was a tiny chance they might take it on board. Throughout his life Goku have lived off success from apparently tiny chances. The next line read;

"Of course if you are reading this book you are unlikely to be part of a successful police force. So if you've received no calls in the last few days consider the possibility that your phone is unplugged." Goku stopped reading and glanced at the phone. "Oh for crying out loud!" he snapped a second later.

"You're kidding right?" said Cell nervously, but a look at the phone confirmed the truth. "I guess we should have been tipped off by the suggestion that we were a successful police force. The idea that we'd ever reduce crime is laughable."

"I wonder why," sighed Goku.

"Because we spent the last three weeks in The Mountains of Doom instead of crime fighting?" suggested Freeza smugly.

"Yes," admitted Goku, "but it's mainly because you keep on doing stupid tricks like this to get out of work!" he finished pointing at Freeza.

"Me!" exclaimed Freeza, "what about Cell? He's not exactly employee of the month!"

"Yes but Cell would have broken the phone in a subtle manor," said Goku, "he's too smart to just unplug it."

"Smart! Subtle!" burst out Freeza, "the cockroach who turned himself into a morbidly obese bomb when he was losing a fight!"

"He's denying it Goku," declared Cell, "that's a clear sign of guilt."

"Wait that's not fair!" protested Freeza, "you can't use my own interrogation techniques against me!"

"Hold it Cell, it wasn't Freeza," said Goku with a heavy sigh. He gestured to the phone wire again. Cell and Freeza followed it with their eyes as it ran along the floor to the corner of the room. There it climbed sharply into the motionless Cooler's ear.

"I am a programmable servant robot," he declared in a monotone voice, "and far superior to the Cell unit you have over there."

"Hey," snapped Cell, "I can be a pretty good cook when I want to be!"

"Please enter a code," continued Cooler.

"Well this could be fun," declared Freeza walking over to the phone, "let's try one." After a moments thought he dialled 460358740968704320369608430846538. Cooler paused for a moment before grabbing Freeza and throttling him.

"Hmmm," mused Cell as he watched the proceedings, "it appears the codes aren't related to the letters on the key pad."

"Make-him-stop," gasped Freeza desperately.

"I'm not sure how," said Cell with no sense of urgency in his voice. Then he spotted a book on the table. "Oh I've found his instruction manual, now let's see what would the instruction be? It could be phrased so many ways, like "let go of Freeza" or "stop choking Freeza" or perhaps even "cease throttling Freeza" the possibilities are endless really. Well the codes aren't in alphabetical order either, that's a bit of an issue."

"No—rush—" gasped Freeza, "It—'s –not—like—I'm—in—any—pain –here!"

"Oh in that case I'll make a coffee to flick through this with," declared Cell calmly. Freeza glared at Cell as best he could while being strangled. Just then Goku pulled the phone plug out of Cooler's ear. Cooler promptly "shut down" dumping Freeza onto floor in the process.

"This isn't the time" he declared plugging the phone line back in, "we might still be able to help some people today. Fortunately King Yemma signed us up to an external answering machine service so our messages will still be recorded even if the phone was broken." Goku promptly dialled the number. Cell and Freeza listened carefully as a computer voice from the other end of the line proudly declared;

"You have three thousand and forty two messages."

A few seconds later Cell picked Cooler's instruction book again.

"What are you doing?" asked Freeza.

"Looking for the "get Goku some tissues" instruction…"

* * *

"No King Yemma!" exclaimed Goku, "You can't make me do that, it's too hard!"

"It has to be done Goku!" replied King Yemma "and if not you, who else."

"But I'm not capable of doing such a thing!" cried Goku shaking with fear, "you have to find someone else."

"I'm sorry Goku but it's your job!" snapped King Yemma, "you have to fire Cooler!"

"Perhaps if we gave him one more chance?" asked Goku hopefully, "It's not like the phone incident was entirely his fault."

"Not according to the report you sent me," exclaimed Yemma, "it lays the blame squarely at Cooler's feet." Goku looked surprised as King Yemma continued. "It also lists a number of other incidents when he unintentionally sabotaged the police force!" Goku leapt onto King Yemma's sizable desk to look at the report himself.

"That's not the report I sent!" exclaimed Goku, "Mine wasn't hand written on the inside of an old cereal box for a start."

"Yes but I imagine the spelling was worse," muttered Yemma.

"And it didn't try to entirely blame Cooler," explained Goku, "Cell, Freeza and me should have checked the phone sooner. We know Cooler does things like this all the time."

"So you admit that he's a problem?" asked Yemma quickly.

"Yes but he's helpful too," replied Goku, "He defeated Broly and King Cold, found the evidence to convict Dr Giro and helped us catch a bunch of street racers. Without him none of that would have been possible."

"I don't question that Goku," declared King Yemma, "but according to this he hinders you as often as he helps, and while that means he is a more productive member of the police force then Cell and Freeza his unpredictability makes him more of a threat to security in Hell. I don't have time to discuss this anymore Goku. I will give you one week to cut out Cooler's negative antics or I'll have him committed to a mental asylum!"

* * *

"So that's the situation," finished Goku once he was back at the police station, "Any suggestions guys?"

"We should start packing now!" declared Freeza cheerfully, "I know a great mental home in West Hell City, it's millions of miles away from North Hell City so he won't be able to escape and come back here to annoy us!"

"I don't believe this," exclaimed Goku, "you would get rid of your brother just like that!"

"Well I would hold him still so the Demon King could blast a whole in his chest," explained Freeza as he started searching for a bag, "but since Piccolo's still alive this is the only way I can get rid him."

"Okay I get you not liking your brother," conceded Goku, "but how can you want to get rid of a valuable member of the police force."

"Well I'm tired of finding him deep sea diving in my cornflakes for a start!" retorted Cell, "not to mention all the things he breaks, the idiotic places he falls to sleep, the dangerous animals he leaves in the toaster, the nuclear reactor under his bed and…. well what he's doing now!"

"He's being useful," declared Goku.

"He's pretending to be a frog," snapped Cell.

"He's keeping flies out," pointed out Goku.

"Yes, shame he flooded the police station first," finished Cell triumphantly.

"Ribit," declared Cooler as he floated past on a giant lily pad.

"So that's it you're just going to let them fire him!" exclaimed Goku.

"If inactivity was my worst crime I wouldn't be here!" replied Freeza who had found a rac sack in the water and was now trying to pick it up. "Besides I don't see why you're blaming us, you were the one who made him insane when you cut him off from the Big Gete Star."

"Hey! He was trying to kill me," pointed out Goku, "do you have any idea how painful being strangled by hundreds of wires is?"

"Yes I found out last week when I came across Cooler's Stegosaur trap in the fridge," replied Cell.

"If there was another way to stop him I would have taken it," admitted Goku sadly, "if I hadn't made him insane we wouldn't be in this mess. Hey," he declared perking up suddenly, "if we could find a piece of the Big Gete star perhaps we could make his sane again."

"Yeah but what's the chance of us finding a piece?" asked Cell "it would have to get into hell first."

"But I though machines could go to hell," exclaimed Goku, "like our Nissan Sunny."  
"No those machines are built in hell to torment us!" pointed out Cell. "The only way a piece of the Big Gete Star could end up in Hell was if it teleport-" He was interrupted by a large crash followed by a scream. Goku and Cell turned round to see Freeza hoping about in the water clutching his foot.

"That blasted rac sac slipped out of my hands!" he snapped pointing at the offending piece of baggage. "What the hell is in it anyway?" Goku walked over and picked the heavy bag up easily.

"Oh this is my rac sac from our mountain trip," he declared.

"And why is it full of super dense rocks!" demanded Freeza irritably pointing at its contents.

"Well I thought carrying a heavy rac sac was good training," explained Goku, "So I filled it up with rocks to replace the supplies we ate in order to keep it heavy." Freeza glared at him.

"Your nuts!" he snapped, "it's you, not Cooler, who should go into an insane asylum. Putting rocks in a rac sac!"

"They're not all rocks," said Goku defensively digging into the sac. Eventually he pulled something out. "See this appears to be… some… sort of… thing!"

"It has writing on the side," exclaimed Freeza snatching the thing off Goku, "I wonder what it says?"

"It says Big Gete Star," declared Cell confidently.

"How did you read that from the couch?" exclaimed Freeza.

"I didn't but in this kind of story it's bound to," explained Cell confidently.

"This is great," declared Goku "with this piece of the Big Gete Star we can get Cooler's brain back."

"How exactly do you plan to do that?" asked Freeza.

"Stick some wires to his head and plug this thing in," said Goku, examining the piece of computer. The fact it had no wires or plug didn't seem to deter him. "I'll come up with something. I've learnt a lot about complicated things since becoming a police officer. I know about drugs, pursuit driving, fraud, typewriters, protection rackets and crowd control-"

"You know of it, not about it," muttered Cell.

"-so I'm sure it's not too big a challenge to learn how to transfer computer info to a brain," finished Goku.

"Don't be daft," interrupted Freeza, "I'm not allowing you to poke around with my brother's brain! You'll make it worse. We should get an expert to do it."

"An expert!" burst out Cell, "Where are we going to find an expert to download computer data into a brain. The only kind of person who could do that would be someone who knows all about machines and biology."

"He's right," said Goku, "We know someone with experience of building machines which are combined with living people. There's a shorter word for that…"

"Err… Cyborgs," suggested Freeza, "Androids-"

"That's it we need an expert on Androids!" declared Goku. There was a long pause.

"Are we really that desperate?" asked Cell.

"I think the question should be is he really that desperate?" corrected Freeza.

* * *

"So if I do this," said Dr Gero as the Nissan Sunny pulled up outside a large warehouse, "you'll knock five years off my sentence."

"Sure, you will be helping us with police work after all;" declared Goku "that will go some way to making up for your past crimes."

"Its how android 19 got himself released so quickly," pointed out Freeza, "singing like a canary about all your past crimes. It was quite disappointing really," the Icejin continued "I had only just started the really serious tortu- I mean questioning." He corrected himself quickly before anyone picked it up.

"Damnation!" snapped Dr Gero, "how come all my creations end up betraying me, First 17 and 18, then Cell and now 19. Why are my machines so disloyal?"

"Have you considered the possibility that you're a rubbish engineer!" asked Cell smugly.

"And what does that say about you idiot!" snapped Dr Gero.

"I was your one stroke of genius!" declared Cell quickly.

"Well I hope you have another one today," said Goku with his usual optimism.

"Don't worry this is a simple task," announced Dr Gero proudly. "Where is the patient by the way?" Freeza stopped the car at which point there was a large splash as something fell into a puddle beside the car. Once they had opened the door it became clear that the cause of this splash was Cooler who was now floating in the deceptively deep puddle wearing water skis.

"Can we return to the jetty now driver," he asked, "I have to have lunch with the Easter Bunny in fifteen minutes."

"Has he been water skiing all the way here?" demanded Dr Gero in a state of shock.

"No he started on a unicycle," mused Freeza. "Do you think I should move the car away from this puddle? It might make getting out tricky."

"I say it will," said Cooler seriously, "there are numerous alligators in this lake after all."

"He's completely barking," announced Dr Gero with a shrug.

"Really I never noticed," said Cell smoothly. "Tell me Gero, when did you get your doctorate in pointing out the obvious?"

"Okay that's enough," interrupted Goku, "we're wasting time. Let's get Cooler out of the water."

They lifted Cooler out of the puddle and removed the alligator that bit Freeza's foot before it inflicted any major injuries. Then Dr Gero led them into a particularly dilapidated warehouse. It was a crumbling heap of bricks with peeling paint, broken gutters and more cobwebs then glass panes in the windows. The inside (can it be called inside when the roof only has the rafters left?) was also unimpressive.

"Is this it?" asked Goku, "a couple of seats and a desk? It's not much of a laboratory really. There's not even a toilet!"

"You're thinking of a lavatory!" snapped Dr Gero, "and no this is not my lab, this is, or was, the waiting room. I didn't want people just coming off the street into my lab with out wiping their feet!"

"Okay then take us to your lab," said Goku eagerly.

"Oh you don't really want to see it," said Dr Gero dismissively, "it's very complicated and dull. Perhaps you three should wait here while I operate on Cooler. It shouldn't take long."

"Sure thing," agreed Goku.

"Come on then Cooler," said Dr Gero, gesturing to Cooler.

"I'm not a cooler, I'm a suit case!" declared Cooler who had folded himself into a rather convincing shape. Dr Gero sighed and picked up Cooler by his "handle" and carried him into the next door room. Goku, Freeza and Cell sat down to wait.

* * *

"He's been at it a very long time," mused Goku a few hours later.

"I wouldn't know," grumbled Cell, "I was asleep. Was being the important word."

"Oh I would never fall asleep in a waiting room," declared Freeza looking up from his magazine.

"In case you miss your appointment?" asked Cell temporarily pretending to be interested.

"No in case they try to gas you," explained Freeza, "if you're awake there's a chance you can escape."

"Who'd try to gas someone in a waiting room?" exclaimed Goku in horror.

"It's been done!" retorted Freeza.

"By anyone other then you?" asked Cell.

"My Dad did it once or twice too," snapped Freeza.

"Well that makes it okay then," said Cell sarcastically.

"The point I was trying to make was how long does it take to download a brain?" asked Goku reasserting himself in the conversation.

"I have no idea," admitted Cell, "but if he's using the same internet service as us it'll take him two weeks."

"You know the monkey has a point," declared Freeza surprising even himself, "I haven't seen or heard anything that sounds like a mad scientist at work. No lighting strikes, no quite brooding speeches followed by maniac laughter, not even any sinister organ music. How do we know he's not sitting on his arse in there doing nothing while we freeze in this waiting room?"

"How do we know he's even in there?" asked Goku expanding on the point. The HIFLPD sat there for a moment before the implications of Goku's statement sunk in. Within the second they had abandoned their seats and raced into the lab. They were greeted by Cooler sitting alone on a table.

"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Goku, "he escaped! That wasn't part of the deal!"

"Oh that's just great," declared Freeza irritably, "We've sat in a room doing nothing for three hours, one of hell's most dangerous criminals has escaped and my brother is still insane. I think that must be a new record for us."

"Instead of complaining," snapped Goku, "why don't you help us correct one of those issues." He turned to Cooler. "Cooler, which way did Dr Gero go?" he asked.

Cooler stared at Goku thoughtfully for a while before producing a cleaning spray and a cloth. Before the Saiyan could react he had been squirted in the face with the foul smelling, and possibly toxic, fluid.

"This mirror is really dirty!" declared Cooler as he wiped the stunned Saiyans face.

"This surely is the definition of irony," mussed Cell calmly, "we need Cooler to be sane to give us a chance of finding the only person who can make him sane."

"Very nice," said Goku putting his hand on Cell's shoulder. The Android looked round to see that the Saiyan had his hands over his eyes and appeared to be suppressing a lot of pain. "Now could you do something a bit more useful and get some water to wash out my eyes."

"It can't hurt that much!" said Cell confidently. At that moment Cooler appeared in front of them.

"Look out Cell!" he shouted, "There's some mirror dirt on your shoulder. Hold still, I'll get it!" He then proceeded to spray Cell directly in the eyes.

"AAAAGGGHHH it burns like a thousand suns!" screamed the Android, "and he didn't even get any on my shoulder."

"That's want I've been trying to tell you!" said Goku desperately. He stumbled around blindly for a bit trying to rub the spray out of his eyes. They were just beginning to get a bit better when he tripped over a bunch of cables. Looking round he could just about make out what those cables were doing on the floor, they where attached to the piece of the Big Gete Star they had found earlier.

"Brain probes taste like chicken!" announced a voice near by. It was Cooler, who had apparently finished his spring cleaning, or was at least having a lunch break. Goku looked at the brain probes in Cooler's mouth, then at the piece of the Big Gete star on the floor, then at the huge machine they were both attached to and finally at the big red switch on that machine. Well it couldn't possibly make him any worse.

* * *

"Oh well this is much better," declared Freeza a few minutes later as the HFILPD stood outside the lab. "We've sat in a room doing nothing for three hours, one of hell's most dangerous criminals has escaped, we've burnt down a lab releasing tons of poisonous chemicals in the smoke and my brother is still insane."

"Who's still insane!" demanded a voice that was familiar to Goku and Freeza only. They both swung round to see Cooler who wasn't bounding like a kangaroo, using a unicycle, sailing a minute boat or even riding a mythical creature. He was in fact walking, yes walking towards them through the smoke.

"Cooler! You're sane again!" declared Goku, "I told you I'd think of something."

"I didn't realise you could think," muttered Freeza.

"Sane again?" exclaimed Cooler, "Don't insult me you dirty monkey! I'd love to know how you escaped, but it doesn't matter because you won't be alive for long."

"Maybe he's not sane again," muttered Cell.

"Yes what is he going on about?" demanded Freeza.

Goku thought. "Oh I get it; he must have no memory of what happened in hell." He announced at last, "he still thinks he's on new Namek. Uh Oh." As he said that Cooler charged in between Freeza and Cell and punched Goku in the jaw.

"Will one of you explain to him?" shouted Goku as he dodged Cooler's attacks.

"In a bit," said Freeza casually "I just have to work out what to say. Hmmm this is hard; how do you tell someone they've been dead for years. Perhaps I should write him a letter..." Just then his train of thought was interrupted.

"What on Hell happened to my lab!" screamed Dr Gero who was staggering out of the burning building.

"Hey I thought you'd escaped?" exclaimed Cell.

"Escaped! I just went into the basement to get some parts. What you think I'd leave you lot alone with my lab!" exclaimed Dr Gero, "It took me years to get all that equipment, if I had abandoned it you would have…"

"Burnt it to the ground," finished Cell. "Well good job you were there and it didn't happen," he said smugly.

"There it is; definitive proof," declared Freeza happily, "honesty is not the best policy!"

* * *

"So I'm dead," said Cooler slowly, as though he still didn't quite believe it, "in fact I have been dead for some time. Only I didn't know because I had no brain." He fell back into his chair in the police station like a person who had just found out about the sudden death of a loved one (which since Cooler loved no one more then himself, he just had).

"Yeah sorry," said Goku who was holding some ice on the black eye he had received from Cooler earlier, "I guess it's not the best news you've ever had. But I'm sure you'd be glad to know that me, Cell and Freeza took good care of you when you were insane."

"You let Freeza take care of me!" exclaimed Cooler in horror, "he couldn't take care of a stray cat with nine hundred extra lives."

"Hey!" snapped Freeza, "I killed hundreds of cats when I was alive…. Oh you mean look after them. I'll have you know that I put a lot of effort into caring for you. You are my brother after all."

"Really," said Cooler in a suspicious tone of voice. "Tell me dear brother, why is there a sledge hammer in a box with "In case of annoying Cooler break glass" written on it?"

"I didn't know anything about that," said Freeza quickly.

"It's in your handwriting," pressed Cooler.

"Oh that case," replied Freeza speaking even quicker. "That was your comfort sledgehammer, giving it to you always calmed you down." he finished cheerfully. Cooler sniffed.

"So what happens now?" he demanded.

"Well now you work with us in the HFILPD," declared Goku cheerfully, "like you have been for the last few years."

"So you want me to be a police officer for the rest of eternity," exclaimed Cooler barely hiding the disgust in his voice. "Protecting the weak, bring justice for the poor."

"Exactly," said Goku clearly mis-judging Cooler's tone of voice. "I know it'll seem a bit odd at first but you'll soon get used to it. Freeza and Cell have. I know why you don't go on patrol with Freeza now! He can show you the ropes and I'm sure you two have lots of catching up to do."

"Great idea," exclaimed Freeza, "I'll show you how to be a model police officer in no time!" Goku paused at that.

"On second thoughts take a Cell Jr with you…"

* * *

"Now this is called a patrol," explained Freeza in his most patronising voice as they marched through the streets of hell. "Oh a patrol we walk around the city listing to the complaints of the whiney people who exist here and beating up anyone who commits a crime or looks at us funny, or- Are you listening to me?"

"As little as possible," replied Cooler sharply.

"Well you should," snapped Freeza "because this is important!"

"Oh yes I forgot," said Cooler mimicking an apology, "You're a protector of the weak now aren't you. Ha I'd love to see that. The only weak person you could protect was yourself and you weren't very good at that."

"Tell me Freeza," he continued coolly, "why did you beg that monkey for your life?"

Freeza instantly stopped walking.

"How did you know about that?" he demanded.

"I didn't, until now," declared Cooler smugly, "But thanks for confirming my suspicions." He chuckled to himself before continuing, "Yes I can see it now, you crawling towards the Saiyan begging him to spare your life, before the planet explodes taking you out anyway. You did try to blow up the planet when you were losing didn't you?"

"For you information," growled Freeza, who was going a rather dark shade of red, "I survived the explosion of Namek and went to Earth to kill Goku and all his friends!"

"And how did that go?" asked Cooler not at all impressed.

"I got chopped into little pieces by a Super Saiyan kid," muttered Freeza sulkily.

"Oh and that's a much less embarrassing way to die," said Cooler mockingly.

"If you keep on like this I'm not going to help you," snapped Freeza who was by now incredibly annoyed by his brother.

"Why would I want your help in becoming some pawn of the do-gooders in hell?" asked Cooler.

"Because this is the easiest way to get ahead in hell," declared Freeza smugly.

"Being a police officer?" exclaimed Cooler, interested in what his brother had to say for the first time.

"Yes it is," confirmed Freeza. "Look around you brother. Look at these desolate streets and decrepit houses. Look at these desperate people yearning for help, pleading for an escape from their misery, they'd do anything for a glimmer of hope. Existing like these scumbags is, of course, beneath the likes of us. By working as police officers we get paid by the people in heaven, giving us some real wealth. And if you play the system well you can beat up anyone you like and not get in to trouble. Not to mention the bonuses you can help yourself to on the side."

"Oh I get it," announced Cooler, "it's just like the good old Freeza I used to know. You suck up to that monkey and he helps you live the easy life."

"It's not like that!" snapped Freeza, "The only thing I get off Goku is the stuff he's stupid enough to let me get away with. Which is a lot. And since when have I been a suck up!"

"Well to our farther, our tutor, our nannies," began Cooler smugly, "basically anyone who was more powerful than you. So it makes sense that you would set yourself up with the people who control hell, even if they are the people that sent you here in the first place."

"Oh and I guess you can think of a much better way of getting ahead in hell?" demanded Freeza smugly, "Your probably thinking of becoming a master criminal like our father. Well forget it. You have to spend all your time hiding in the shadows, working hard to get what you want. This way everything you could want comes to you."

"Show me," said Cooler bluntly. Just then a whistle blew and a man ran around the corner carrying a hand bag and being chase by a Cell Jr. The Cell Jr could have caught him easily, if it hadn't been focusing most of its attention on blowing the whistle loudly. For Freeza this was the perfect opportunity to show his brother what was what.

"Watch this!" he declared leaping in front of the mugger and sending him crashing to the ground with one flick of his tail.

"Well done Freeza," said Cooler mockingly "you've just beaten up a petty thief. You must be so proud of yourself." Freeza ignored him and dug into the hand bag and the unconscious mugger's pocket.

"Shouldn't you be returning that to the victim?" asked Cooler momentarily confused by his brother's behaviour.

"Nope," replied Freeza bluntly, "I'm confiscating all this as evidence." He quickly pocketed the cash, the mugger's watch and anything else that looked valuable before throwing the rest at the Cell Jr. "Take this stuff back to the police station. Oh and don't forget the mugger this time!"

"Gaaak," said the Cell Jr irritably.

"Well how am I supposed to tell the difference you idiot," snapped Freeza, "and since you're all genetically identical your probably all just as stupid. Now stop whining and get back to work." The Cell Jr glared at him but did what it was told.

Freeza turned to Cooler with a triumphant look of his face.

"What do you think?" he asked proudly, "two people's cash and a nice watch. Not bad for five minutes work."

"Not bad," exclaimed Cooler, "it's pathetic! I used to conquer planets in five minutes work."

"That was one time!" snapped Freeza, "and you still haven't proved it beyond doubt so my ten minute seventeen second record still stands. Besides when you get used to living in hell you'll realise that these items are as valuable as any planet."

"Two points," retorted Cooler quickly "firstly your record was set on a colonized asteroid not a planet and secondly you already have a watch!"

"I'm not going to keep it," pointed out Freeza, "I'll sell it on the black market, or trade it for a favour. That's what you have to do in hell to get ahead."

"Is that the best you can do?" asked Cooler mockingly.

"Well that's the best I can do but if we work together we can double our productivity," declared Freeza happily. "Tell you what as your family I'll introduce you to all my contacts and we can split any profits 60-40. What do you think?"

"I'm struggling to find the right words to describe what I think!" growled Cooler without pausing for thought.

"Your welcome," said Freeza smugly. Then he spotted something across the street. "Hold on a sec," he said before firing a death beam across the street hitting a passing cyclist in the leg. The injured cyclist hit a curb and flew over the handle bars landing in a heap on the floor. Freeza walked up to him.

"Why did you do that?" demanded the cyclist. "I think I cracked my head open on landing."

"Well I have no sympathy," snapped Freeza, "I had to stop you because you weren't wearing a helmet. You have to wear one by law so that you don't hurt yourself when you fall off, like you did here."

"But," protested the cyclist, (who obviously came from a species with particularly hard heads since he was still conscience) "I wouldn't have fallen off if you hadn't stopped me for not wearing a helmet."

"Well then all the more reason to wear one," declared Freeza grabbing his bike, "I have to confiscate this until further notice."

"But" exclaimed the cyclist reaching for his bike. Freeza held him in place.

"Now you shouldn't move, you could have broken your back," he said mockingly, "an ambulance will be along shortly."

"You'll call one then?" asked the cyclist.

"No but the law of averages says one will come down here eventually," said Freeza calmly. With that he turned and wheeled the bike away.

"It's my lucky day," declared Freeza when he got back to Cooler, "a watch and a bike. How could it get any better?" Just then there was a beep in Freeza's pocket. He withdrew the source, which was a pager and looked at it. "Oh this is great, a sloth has escaped from the zoo and they want us to find it."

"Why is that a good thing," exclaimed Cooler, the frustration was clearly about to boil over.

"Because barbequed Sloth is delicious!" declared Freeza enthusiastically.

"WHAT!" burst out Cooler, "YOUR GOING TO SEARCH FOR YOUR MEAL AND THEN BABREQUE IT!! YOUR EXSISTACE IS PATHETIC!!"

"Hey," retorted Freeza, trying not to sound hurt, "you haven't been here very long, this is the best you can do."

"No it's the best you can do!" snapped Cooler, "because you are just a stupid, cowardly, bully! You aren't smart or skilled enough to achieve anything down here so you assume no one can. You can make your petty gains and pretend your doing well but you're not. And I'm not going to do the same thing. I'm not going to sneak around bending someone else's rules for pathetic results. Especially since those rules are made by a monkey!"

"You're wrong!" screamed Freeza, "you're just too proud to believe me. Well screw you. You can find the truth out for yourself, but don't come crying to me when it all goes wrong. Now if you excuse me I have a sloth to catch…."

* * *

King Cold sat along in the dingy flat that was the secret headquarters of his criminal operations. Not that he had many operations at the moment, or anywhere else to go. Since his traitorous sons and that damn monkey's police force had ruined his plan to escape from Hell, King Cold had been forced to lie low. He'd lost everything, his army, his money, his power. All he could do was sitting in this one room basement flat waiting for news from the few soldiers who still followed him.

One day they would bring him news of an opportunity to get revenge against the HIFLPD and re-establish his power. It might take centuries for that opportunity to arrive but King Cold was patient. The longer he waited the sweeter his victory would be!

Until then he filled his time sketching contraptions which could torture Freeza, Cooler and the Monkey for all eternity. The torture chamber would be the centre of his new palace where all his guests could see what happened to those who opposed him. However when he got bored of plotting his revenge he would play sudoku instead.

He was in the middle of a particularly difficult puzzle when there was a knock at the door.

King Cold looked up quickly, he had specifically ordered privacy for this evening. Who would be suicidal enough to disturb him? He decided it didn't matter, they would regret it soon.

"It's open," he said carefully aiming a death beam at the door way. The door flew open at lightening speed as a white blur somersaulted into the room. It stopped mid air and started hovering with its arms vibrating at high speed.

"Cooler!" exclaimed King Cold in shock, he hadn't bargained for this. "Are you alone," he asked urgently.

"Us humming birds are solitary creatures!" announced his insane off spring. "Do you have any nectar?"

"No," snapped King Cold. The humming bird ignored him and flew over to a table in the corner where King Cold had placed his latest sketches. He started innocently feeding on an imaginary flower. King Cold sneered. "Get out of here you clot!" he snapped, "I don't have time to waste on you." He sighed. "Still at least you're too stupid to be a threat. You know Cooler," he continued wistfully, "that was something I never liked about you when you were alive. You were too clever by half; I had to favour Freeza to make sure you didn't get ideas. Freeza could always be controlled with promises and tittles for his vanity, but you, you scheming little git, always wanted substance, you always wanted more power." He smiled now, a grin that no one (well except that punk with the sword) had ever lived to tell about. "Of course now my mindless son you might be useful to me at last. As a hostage!" He laughed and fired a death beam at the apparently unprepared Icejin. "Run little humming bird!" he shouted hysterically.

Unfortunately King Cold had made his largest miscalculation since his death. In less then an instance Cooler dropped the pretence and punched the death beam sending it straight back towards his startled Farther. The sitting king had no chance; the beam went strait through his chest leaving him crippled in his chair.

"Who's mindless now," asked Cooler with cruel satisfaction in his voice. King Cold gasped for breath.

"You bastard!" he chocked.

"If only," said Cooler, "it makes me question the quality of my gene pool to see its source so helpless like this. Perhaps I should put it out of its misery. I think a supernova would erase you from existence." He mocked. King Cold went white to Cooler's amusement.

"You wouldn't!" he gasped.

"Your right," said Cooler, "I need you… for now."

"How did you find me?" demanded King Cold as Cooler handcuffed him.

"You were in the phone book," declared Cooler smugly.

* * *

"…And then he stormed off!" exclaimed Freeza loudly over breakfast the next morning. "I mean how rude was that? Well it's the last time I try to help anyone. "Doing things out of kindness has its own rewards"- my arse. You agree right? Right? Hey are you listening?"

Cell looked up from his newspaper slowly.

"Unfortunately I am," he replied, "but rest assured, it's only because I lack the ability to close my ears."

"Well I'm sorry my family crisis is boring you!" snapped Freeza angrily.

"It's okay," said Cell his eyes now back on the newspaper, "I can tune most of it out."

"Well then I don't care what you think anyway," announced Freeza who proceeded to eat his toast. There was about a minute of silence before Freeza spoke again.

"Note that he hasn't come back yet," the Icejin announced proudly. "He must be out there trying to pursue his impossible dream of power. Well I can't wait for him to get crushed, then he'll come crawling back here on his hands and knees begging us to let him join us again and you know what we'll say…"

"Welcome back" interrupted Cell angrily, "please come in. It's brilliant to have you here, now there's someone else for Freeza to annoy!"

"You're a git do you know that," snapped Freeza.

Just then there was a loud noise from out side the police station, it sounded like a set of outdoor speakers being turned on. Cell and Freeza looked up in surprise as a friendly voice blasted out of them in tinny tones.

"Hello Ladies and gentlemen of the press," it announced, "I have great news for you regarding the safety of hell."

"Huh, Goku's here early," declared Cell. "Hang on, Goku never does press conferences!"

"That's because that's not Goku!" exclaimed Freeza running for the door, "it's Cooler!"

Freeza burst in to the courtyard in front of the garage which tripled up as the police station and their home. Once there he was confronted by a huge crowd of journalist and civilians. At the far side of the crowd was Cooler standing on a small stage with a micro phone and King Cold who was firmly tied up.

"I have," continued Cooler proudly, "tracked down the most powerful criminal in hell. Since his last escape from prison the Icejin that almost ran Hell City has been on the run for two years. But tonight you can rest easy again since he is now in HFILPD custody and I promise you that he'll pay for his crimes." Freeza watched in disbelief as the crowd cheered and took pictures.

"Hmm," mused Cell who had just joined him having been delayed getting more toast, "looks like he's a much more competent police officer without your help!"

"No! No! No!" snapped Freeza going a deep shaped of red, "this is not how it's supposed to work!" He furiously pushed his way through the crowd until he reached the stage.

"I know you're all delighted," continued Cooler, "but honestly, this is just a small victory in a much bigger fight against the runaway crime in this city. But I believe that myself and my hard working colleagues can turned it around."

"No you don't you little sneak!" snapped Freeza climbing onto the stage.

"Ah my brother's here," said Cooler showing amazing acting skills by sounding genuinely delighted. "He's a police officer too. Brother why don't you tell the crowd how you assisted our fight against crime yesterday." He shoved the microphone into Freeza's face. Freeza froze; Cooler's move had taken the wind right out of his sails.

"Well," he announced quickly "I blew up fifteen cars which were parked on the road but facing the wrong way." The audience stared blankly at him. At this point it occurred to Freeza that he should have made something up. "You have to park with the rear facing the oncoming traffic," he snapped when he finally decided to pursue the point, "it's in the highway code! Trust me those people won't be doing that again." There were some mutterings from the crowd, none of which sounded positive.

"Now come on people," declared Cooler taking back the microphone, "the large amount of petty crime down here does as much to hurt our deaths in hell as the big crimes. However I believe that if we all fight this together we can make Hell a better place, no a great place, somewhere where good people will commit murders on their death beds to come too. I believe it can be done. Do you believe Hell City? Do you Believe?"

"YES!" came the instant reply. Freeza stared in disbelief; he didn't know whether to faint, throw up or punch Cooler. He didn't get much more time to think about it for a new voice interrupted the press conference.

"At last," exclaimed a delighted Goku landing on the stage next too Cooler. "I've been waiting years for someone else to believe that."

"Well Goku I want as easy a death as the next person," declared Cooler turning away from the microphone "so I want to make hell as good a place as it can be."

"That's great," continued Goku with the biggest smile Freeza had ever seen, "let's get going straight away!"

"Hold on," said Cooler grabbing the microphone once more. "People of Hell City, this is Son Goku the Saiyan who gives up time in haven to make hell a better place. Let's make his commitment is an inspiration to us all!!" There was a final huge cheer from the crowd as photographers snapped away trying to get the perfect picture of Cooler and Goku together. Freeza stared from the sidelines completely numb. When a journalist near by declared them the "Savours of Hell" heFreeza made up his mind. He promptly fainted off the side of the stage.

* * *

"That was a brilliant speech Cooler," declared Goku once they where back in the police station.

"I thought it was a bit over the top," retorted Cell, "I mean when you called Goku an inspiration, I thought the crowd was going to throw up!"

"Well he is an inspiration," said Cooler, "he inspired Doctor Gero to create you didn't he?"

"I suppose," admitted grudging Cell. "That's a disturbing thought!" he continued, "hang on a second how did you know that? I never told you."

"I did my research," replied Cooler calmly. "Still there were a lot of other things in that speech that needed to be said. The response shows that the people of the after life are ready for a change, and I aim to provide them with it." Cell raises an eyebrow suspiciously at this (well an eye edge as he didn't have eyebrows). Goku however produced a beaming smile.

"Well let's get started!" he announced joyfully, "the sooner we start the sooner we'll have heaven in hell."

"I was having almost exactly the same thought," said Cooler, "but we can't start with dry throats, have a drink first." He produced two glasses of orange juice which he handed to Goku and Cell.

"So what caused this sudden change in heart?" asked Cell after he had finished his glass.

"Well it was something I learnt from my defeats to Goku actually," Cooler declared.

"Really," exclaimed Goku "what was it?"

"I learnt not to underestimate people," explained Cooler, "I now no longer see them as mealy targets to be destroyed or slaves to be worked until they die. They are individuals with individual needs, individual aspirations, individual skills and of course individual amounts of drugs it takes to knock them out."

"What was that last one again?" asked Goku through a yawn, "I was too tired to-," he yawned again, "-listen."

"I'm sure we can pick this up when you wake," declared Cooler smugly. Moments later Goku and Cell collapsed on the floor.

* * *

Freeza regain consciousness due to a sudden and very cold rain shower. He sat up immediately banging his head on the stage as he did.

"Blasted thing," he snapped furiously kicking it down, "and blasted brothers!" he finished his spell of unconsciousness having failed to dissipate his rage.

"He tricked me!" the Icejin ranted, "made a complete fool of me, and I'll make him pay!"

* * *

Goku woke up feeling like death. Since he was dead this was a common occurrence, but today it felt distinctly unpleasant. He tried to sit up but found that he couldn't. Opening his eyes revealed that this was because he was strapped to a metal bed by huge metal clamps. He tried to blast his way out but his hands where contained in gauntlets which were capable of resisting his energy somehow.

While he was considering his next move Goku looked around. He quickly discovered that he wasn't the only one in this predicament. Cell was held in a similar contraption next to him. Further inspection revealed that King Cold was also being held. And Dr Gero; and the Ginyu Force, and Androids 19 and 13, and Broly.

"Cell, what on hell is going on!" exclaimed Goku for obvious reasons.

"Oh how nice of you to wake up," said Cell icily, "I hope you're well rested!"

"I am actually," replied Goku curiously.

"Oh good well that makes our kidnap worth while!" snapped Cell.

"What's up with him?" demanded Burter, intruding on the private conversation.

"Oh I don't know what could be wrong," sniffed Cell, "perhaps it's that this is the second time in a row Goku's slept through me being dragged off and tied up by a being who is intent on destroying me."

"Hey, I could hardly help it this time!" retorted Goku, "apparently he wants to destroy me too! Who is he anyway?"

"He is me!" declared Cooler entering the room. "Nice of you to join us Goku."

"Cooler?" exclaimed Goku, "What are you doing? I though we were going to fight crime today. I can see how tying up King Cold, Gero and I suppose Cell could achieve that."

"Oh thanks," muttered Cell.

"But why am I here?" finished Goku.

"Is he always this dumb," asked King Cold to no one imparticular.

"Shut up farther dearest," said Cooler smugly, "you're steeling my lines." He turned back to Goku, "Since I can't insult you now I'll cut to the chase, I'm betraying you."

"What! How?"

"Well above these slabs which I tied you and the others to is a laser beam," explained Cooler, "it will, well have you ever seen the film "Gold Finger"?"

"No," replied Goku.

"Neither have I," said Cooler smoothly, "but according to the good Doctor Gero the villain in that tried to cut the hero to pieces with a laser beam too."

"What! You wouldn't," exclaimed Goku.

"Relax Goku," asked Cooler, "you know it would take more than that to destroy a tough soul like yours. This is why each half will be sliced in half again and then tossed into these four containers next to you. Then I will seal your bits is side them forever so your souls can never be whole or a threat to me again. And best of all you will be in an unbelievable amount of pain for the rest of eternity!" he finish hugging himself with glee.

"You're a monster!" declared Goku.

"Well I can't take all the credit!" said Cooler "I must thank my farther for the plan and Dr Gero for leaving all this precious material unguarded in his burnt out laboratory."

"But it was guarded," protested Dr Gero.

"Not for very long," smirked Cooler, "oh but I mustn't forget to thank the big Gete star for giving me the incredible brain power to build all this, and of course Goku for reuniting it with my body."

"You can't do this to me," exclaimed Dr Gero, "I put helped put your brain back in, so in a way I created you. My creations can't torture me forever."

"Just watch me!" said Cooler smugly.

"For a man of knowledge you a particularly bad at learning that one little lesson," mocked Cell.

"Laugh it up Cockroach," snapped Gero, "you're going to get cut in half too!"

"No he's not," said Goku, "in fact no one's getting cut in half. You've lost again Cooler. I'm going to escape and beat you!"

"Oh really," smirked Cooler, "since I designed these straps to hold one hundred Super Saiyans I'd say you'll stay right there."

"You've underestimated me again," said Goku transforming into a Super Saiyan 3, "I'm more then one hundred times stronger NNNNOOOOOWWWWWWW!!" he screamed as he strained against the restraints with all his might. Cooler didn't blink. The restraints didn't budge. Eventually Goku collapsed back onto the slab.

"What the?" he exclaimed as he returned to normal.

"Oh did I forget the 3 when I said it could hold one hundred Super Saiyans," mocked Cooler, "silly me." He laughed evilly, "Trust me Goku I've thought of everything this time!"

"What's the plan now monkey?" asked King Cold, "perhaps we should all scream? Would that help?"

"You're not encouraging me to help you," snapped Goku. "Besides you're the evil geniuses, you come up with a plan."

"We've all tried already!" whispered Cell. "Since my hands are held above my head I've been trying to form a spirit bomb."

"How is it going?" asked Goku hopfully.

"Not well. The rivers, mountains and creatures of Hell keep telling me to get my own stinking energy! Their words not mine."

"So what do we do now?"

"You get sliced into bits!" declared Cooler cheerfully turning to the laser beams. The red beams sliced through the slabs like a hot knife through butter as they crawled towards our hero's and villains squirming and screaming bodies. (Well Broly wasn't squirming or screaming but that's because he was too busy furiously staring at Goku and had a sock in his mouth.)

"First one to say "so do you expect me to talk" get's cut into eight pieces!" declared Cooler.

"Why are you doing this?" asked Jeice who seemed particularly concerned with the destination of the slicing beam.

"Oh lost of reasons," mused Cooler, "I hate my father for being a terrible parent and always telling me I was a mistake."

"One broken condom and I get sliced into bits for all eternity," said King Cold bitterly "Oh if I could get my hands on that dammed condom manufacture. I'd execute him, his employees, and all their families and friends…. Again!"

"I hate Goku for the two humiliating defeats he inflicted on me, Broly because I hate all Saiyans, Dr Gero and his mechanical Androids because they are rubbish pieces of engineering (something which has really bothered me ever since I became part of the Big Gete Star) and I hate you Ginyu's because of all that stupid posing you do!" he snapped, "Just watching it is unbearable! We'll see how much style you have when you're being cut into little pieces." As the Ginyus shuddered at this, Cooler wondered over to Cell.

"Unfortunately, I also have to destroy… Sorry you never told me your name."

"It's Cell!" the android snapped.

"Oh yes you did mention it," declared Cooler. "Anyway I have to destroy Cell because he's powerful enough to threaten my future plans. It's nothing personal though."

"Well allow me to make it personal you jack arse!" burst out Cell furiously.

"Wait," exclaimed Goku, "what future plans?"

"Let me guess, having stolen my plans for a torture device you're going to also steal my other plan by collecting the Dragonballs in hell and wishing yourself back to life!" said King Cold in a bored voice.

"You insult me father," declared Cooler, "I have a much better plan than that!"

"Well let's hear it then," snapped Cell, "It's not like we have anything better to do."

"If you insist," said Cooler, "I'll be brief though since I don't have too much time to waste, I have to write your obituaries still."

"Our obituaries?" exclaimed Goku.

"Yes," declared Cooler, "they will say how the noble warriors Goku and Cell sacrificed themselves defeating my father and the evil Dr Gero's diabolical plan to destroy all of hell. As the only surviving witness it will be my sad duty to tell the people of hell that their heroes are dead but that I will carry on their work."

"Oh that's nice," said Goku genuinely, "hang on a sec, that's a huge lie."

"Yeah," agreed Cell, "no one in hell thinks of us as their heroes."

"They will with enough spin on it," smirked Cooler. "In order to carry on your work of course I will need a much larger police force! And they'll need to be armed, with these laser cutters," he said gesturing to the devices that were slowly progressing towards the hostages. "Soon I will have thousands of Police Offices with these weapons, and complete control of the North Universe Hell City. Of course as the most efficient city it will be necessary to introduce similar programmes everywhere else in hell, by force if necessary."

"You'll conquer all of hell, so what," mocked King Cold, "only a fool would want to rule this dump!"

"I haven't finished yet father," replied Cooler smugly, "Unlike you I never cease my conquests. With all the violent people and races in hell I could easily amass an army hundreds of billions strong, each armed with more advanced versions of these lasers which can cut through anything, even gods. When we break out of Hell the Other World won't stand a chance. I will conquer it all, slaughtering all who oppose me where they stand! Then I will rule the entire afterlife, forever! So you see father why should I rule part of the universe for a lifetime, when I can rule everyone who has or will exist forever!"

"Cooler!" snapped King Cold, "that's the…. best plan I've ever heard! You won't consider giving me a small role in your new great government perhaps?"

"Perhaps a robotics expert might be useful," added Dr Gero.

"No and no," replied Cooler cheerfully. "Now it's time to be cut in two!" He pressed a button and the beams heading towards the prisoners accelerated.

"You'll never get away with this," declared Goku as he tried to squirm away from the beam, "someone will stop you. I know it."

"Probably Gohan knowing my luck," muttered Cell.

"I don't think so," said Cooler, "my plan is perfect, all I have to do is cut you lot in half and the end result is inevitable! You might say its divide and conquer!" he laughed at his own wit. "And who can stop me before then?"

Just then the door flew off its hinges as into the room burst…

"Freeza!" exclaimed Cell, "thank you for introducing me to a genuinely new experience!" Freeza looked at him a little taken aback.

"What experience is that?" he asked.

"Being pleased to see you!" declared Cell.

"Oh shut up, I didn't come here to talk to you!" snapped Freeza; he swung round to face Cooler. "Alright you jackass," he snapped, "I bet you're pleased with yourself for humiliating me at that press conference but don't think that you fooled me. I know that was all an act. I know that you're up to something and as soon as I find out what it is you're going down brother, just you wait!"

"Freeza!" called Goku desperately, "Cooler's trying to cut us in half, and then he's going to take over the afterlife!"

"That didn't take very long," exclaimed Freeza, "I must be getting good at this detective business. Okay Cooler prepare to go down."

"And exactly how do you intend to do that, brother?" asked Cooler smugly. Freeza froze suddenly disarmed. "You can't can you," mocked Cooler, "we both know that you can't beat me in a fight, if you could you'd be on the receiving end of a laser like the rest of them."

"But I can't beat you and your still going to slice me!" pointed out Guldo.

"Yes but you're really annoying" pointed out Cooler, "And yes I know Freeza's annoying but being cut in half is too good for him. I have a much better revenge planned."

"I don't like where this is going," gulped Freeza.

"If I destroyed you now brother you'd miss my triumph!" declared Cooler. "I want you to be there when I conquer the afterlife, when the Gods and demons bow down to me."

"Oh that's nice," said Freeza carefully.

"Yes you can arrange the chairs at the meeting or sweep the floors, I'll let you chose. It'll be a job which suits your level of achievement though. I mean what's the point of being king of everything if you have no family secret to hush up." He laughed before putting on a fake embarrassed voice, "Yes Grand Kio, that's my brother polishing over there… Yes he is though I prefer the words mentally challenged… Well I try to do what's best for him; he can't look after himself, he's terrified of monkeys you see." Cooler laughed again. "It's the ultimate punishment Freeza. You'll have to exist forever knowing that I'm better than you in everyway!"

"Why you!" growled Freeza raising his fist. Cooler laughed.

"Now now Freeza," mocked Cooler, "that won't do you any good. Though you can try it if you really want too." Freeza froze, sighed and slowly lowered his fist.

"I can't fight you," he said mournfully bowing his head in submission.

"Yes you can," screamed Cell, "it's easy, just punch the bastard and rescue us."

"No I can't fight him," continued Freeza turning away from Cooler now, "because he's my big brother, the hero of my youth, he taught me most of what I know about life. But I strayed from his path of violence and self promotion since my death and if he wants to punish me for it then it's only just."

"I'll give you just, you snivelling little suck up!" bellowed Cell his face turning an alarming shade of red. Freeza ignored him.

"Freeza," exclaimed Cooler in a shocked voice, "I never knew you felt that way." He opened his arms in an inviting gesture, "come here." Freeza ran up to this brother's waiting arms. They embraced in a brotherly hug, for about a second before Cooler started throttling his brother. "Don't ever try that pathetic trick on me again brother!" he growled as Freeza choked.

"Why not?" gasped Freeza, "it worked didn't it." Cooler looked at him quizzically. Freeza gave him no time to think any further. He leaped into the air smashing Coolers head into a light fitting above them. The bulb smashed and Cooler was instantly hit by a huge electric current. He released Freeza during his involuntary thrashing.

"I always thought that a mains supply of 40 million volts was a bad idea," mussed an unconcerned King Cold as his sons fell to the ground in an anticlimactic heap.

"Ha!" declared Freeza leaping to his feet again, "now who's pathetic! Well what do you have to say for yourself dear brother?"

"Beep Boop Beep!" declared Cooler as he lay smoking on the floor. "The person at the other end's brain has been disconnected, please hang up and try again." Freeza frowned.

"His brain's gone again," he exclaimed, "hang on, there's only on way to be sure!" He stared at Cooler hard before saying quietly; "Gentlemen, start your engines."

"Chocks away!" declared Cooler leaping on to his feet stretching his arms into wings and immediately "flying" straight into the nearest wall.

"I did it," declared Freeza jumping for joy, "I got rid of my dammed evil brother for good! He's nuts again."

"That's awesome Freeza," congratulated Goku, "now if you have a minute could you TURN THESE BLOODY LASERS OFF!!" he finished wildly gesturing to the beams that were now only a few inches from his crouch.

"Oh right," said Freeza running to the machine, but when he got there he hesitated. "Hang on a second," he announced, "Now that Cooler's gone, what's to stop me from taking over his plan!"

"WHAT!" was the collective response.

"But you don't know it," burst out Cell.

"No, but he's written it all down here," said Freeza proudly, "So I could do it instead. I could reclaim my power, and more. I could be ruler of the afterlife. And best of all I get to cut all my enemies into little bits first."

"You can't kill us," burst out Goku. "Not after all we've done together, all the challenges we've faced, all the villains we've captured, all the good times we've had. Think about our trips into the mountains, our fight with Broly and the time the inspector visited. Would you give all that up you for power, do you really want to? Look into your heart Freeza; you'll know what you should do."

"STOP ENCOURAGING HIM!!" screamed Cell furiously. "Listen Freeza, Cooler's plan required political skill, likeability, good timing and subtlety. You have none of those qualities. If you follow it you're dooming yourself to a serious beating."

"He's right Freeza," agreed King Cold, "you're the worst person possible to carry out his plan. I dare say that Broly could do it with more skill and subtlety."

"You are a worthless failure," snapped Dr Gero, "doomed to fail at this like everything else. Except when the heroes find out that you killed Goku they'll slowly rip you in two!" Freeza squirmed at this.

"Yeah Lord," agreed Jeice, "I mean we've all heard of commanders you'd follow into hell, but I don't think that anyone would follow you out of hell!"

"Oh that's a great idea," said Goku irritably, "insult him. That'll persuade him to let us him go!"

"You lot all think I'm a joke!" snapped Freeza, "well in a few seconds I'll be having the last laugh!"

"Don't Do it Freeza!"

"You'll regret this!"

"If I ever get my hands on you…"

"Mercy- Lord Freeza,"

"You know you'll never make this work!"

"Someone will stop you and in an even more horrible way then this."

"Merci!"

"This isn't you anymore, stop it!"

"Kakarrot!!"

"Valuable contribution Broly."

"Didn't he have a sock in his mouth earlier?"

"Well I hope you all enjoyed your last words," began Freeza, "other then the scre-" suddenly there was an electric whine and the lasers all shut down. Freeza swung around, to see Cooler sitting in the corner eating a plug.

"Mmmm," declared Cooler happily, "I love liquorish; it tastes just like electrical cable."

Freeza began to run towards his now insane brother to retrieve it but it was too late. A group of metallic clangs signalled the release of the bonds that had held Cooler's captives.

"Freeza!" exclaimed Goku happily leaping off his slab, "I knew you couldn't do it. You were just pulling our legs!"

"Yes," said Freeza carefully letting go of the wire he had been pulling out of Cooler's mouth. "I was just messing with you; it's what friends do after all!"

"You'll be more then just a mess when I'm finished with you!" snapped Cell raising his fist.

"Hey calm down Cell," said Goku stepping in the way, "the important thing is not Freeza's joke that almost got us cut in two. It's that we defeated the evil Cooler and returned everything to the nice safe status quo which the story began in."

"Yes," agreed Cell, "except we created the evil Cooler to save Cooler's job remember? And now that Cooler's an insane liability again King Yemma will still want you to fire him."

"Oh yeah," said Goku slowly, "Well I guess it's alright if one thing hasn't been worked out by the end of the story."

"Two things," said Freeza bluntly.

"Huh?" exclaimed Cell and Goku, "what's the second?"

"The fact that all the crooks we've captured in the previous stories are escaping out of that window."

"What the-" burst out Goku. He and Cell swung around to see Dr Gero and King Cold manhandling the unconscious Broly out the window.

"Bye Goku, Freeza and Cell," called King Cold in a light hearted voice, "see you when I next try to get my revenge." With that they slid through the window into the maze like streets of Hell.

"Shouldn't we go after them?" suggested Freeza.

"I would," said Goku, "but I'm really tired after all that struggling I did."

"I would," growled Cell grinding his teeth, "but I'm paralysed with rage!"

"Wait this is perfect!" Goku suddenly declared.

"How can this be perfect?" demanded Cell.

"Cooler's job is saved!" declared Goku, "King Yemma can't possible reduce our man power after a break out like this. Get the Cell Jrs, we have work to do."

As Cell and Goku leapt out of the window Freeza hung back briefly before furiously turning to Cooler.

"You know you just ruined my best chance for revenge on Goku and my only chance to be ruler of the afterlife!" he growled. Cooler looked at him blankly for a moment before grabbing him in a bare hug.

"I love you little brother!" he declared happily. Freeza sighed.

"I tolerate you big brother," he said reluctantly, "mainly because like this, there's nothing you can do better then me at." He smile slightly and patted his brother once on the shoulder. There was a brief moment of silence before Freeza said; "You can let go of me now brother."

"Why would I do that" hissed Cooler, "a python never releasssssesss itssss prey!" Freeza froze as Cooler squeezed tighter.

"GOKU!!" he screamed "HELP!!"

* * *

Okay folks I hope you enjoyed that. I shall start the next story soon and hopefully it won't take me six months this time. Till next time…


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